Unhealthy cycle

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm not sure where to start I'm stuck in an unhealthy cycle of trying to break away from someone whom I love but can not be with because our relationship is toxic.

[Hazel2]

I'm not sure where to start I'm stuck in an unhealthy cycle of trying to break away from someone whom I love but can not be with because our relationship is toxic.

[enlighten me]

Hi hazel

I was there myself. I kept making my mind up to leave and then getting sucked back in. I was hoping for her to just say something or do something so I could justify leaving her. I was so caught up in the crazy that I justified the hurtful things she did.

[Hazel2]

I was with a man a year and a half. I'm not a doctor or therapist so i'm not comfortable actually labeling someone with BPD but the descriptions on this web site and reading some other posts hit the nail right on the head. Its all familiar and in relation to what I have experienced.  I've never been in love before with someone so much but the relationship became a disaster and it is still a disaster even though we are broken up now for seven months. He broke it off with me but from almost day one he would accuse me of being cold and mean and uncaring. Of course that hurt. He always talks about his feelings and how he was wronged whether it be by a look or a comment from me it could be anything and he would flip out over it. Yet he would pledge and swear his love for me like no other man I ever met. I'm here now because i'm stuck in an unhealthy cycle with this man. I know now that there is likely going to be no closure nor reconciling with this man.  Even when it seems we get along something always triggers a negative feeling that streams right back into his dialogue about he was hurt and he was wronged and how he was the best thing I ever had and how i ruined it and how I have problems and on and on. I'm tired, exhausted and mentally drained. I blame myself only for not having the strength to ignore this person and let go but I am caught in the war between my head and my heart. I've put my heart on the line many times in the last seven months to see if we could reconcile the relationship but his response is always to ___ off. He is verbally abusive.  He tells me he cares about himself only now and that he has to look out for him alone because no one else will.  He also has this die hard attitude about love being full of hurt and pain but that has been since day one.  In hindsight, I'm angry with myself for not having paid attention to the red flags but I so wanted to be in love with this person and get married and have a family.  It's sad really and i'm becoming a basket case racking my brain over all it that i'm not even sure my post will make sense. Anyway i'm here to see if I can gain some insight and help in learning the best way to cope with this situation now and in the future. Days and weeks pass and I hear nothing from this man until a random email gets sent with an "I love you and miss you" and i get sucked right back into the cycle again.  I was doing well for a few weeks as I blocked him from being able to text message me but now he contacts me through email. I've tried reasoning with him, I've apologized, I've gotten angry and I've told him i'm seeing someone else but I still interact with him and its unhealthy. I need to break away and if anyone has any good suggestions or techniques I can use to help myself out of this unhealthy pattern i would gladly like to hear them.  Thank you for reading my post. Sincerely, Hazel.  

[peiper]

We have all been there. Unfortunately there's no quick fix other then doing it and going through the pain. I guarantee there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Hazel2, Your tale is quite familiar, as pieper and enlighten me note.  Like you, I was stuck in the toxic soup.  To paraphrase Dante, I was lost in a dark wood with no clear path out.  I forgot who I was for a while there, which is no fun, believe me.  Rather than getting angry at yourself, however, I suggest being kind to yourself.  Sit with you feelings and think about what you really want.  On some level, it seems like you already know in your gut that this r/s is unhealthy for you, yet like a lot of us you are finding that there is an addictive quality to a BPD r/s that makes it extremely hard to leave.  That's why we're here on the Leaving Board, to help.  I can confirm that a day will come when you will be grateful that you got out when you did.  In the meantime, I know it's painful.

Hang in there,

LuckyJim