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Author Topic: New member intro: walking away from a BPD ex gf  (Read 481 times)
krinaker

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 9


« on: November 20, 2014, 04:48:06 PM »

Hello everybody!

I am new to this forum, and wanted to share a summary of my story with my BPDgf ex. The whole thing lasted almost three years, with two recycles and nearly a third one, so I will try to keep sweet and short.

After spending countless hours reading about BPD in this website and others, I am fairly sure my ex was a textbook case of BPD even tough she was never diagnosed as such (at least as far as I know). I met this girl through dancing (I am a semi-professional salsa dancer... .lots of drama always going on in this environment) by early 2012 just after losing my Dad to cancer. She took the initiative and got me to commit for a relationship fairly quickly, even tough I was dating another girl at the time (now I know mentally healthy and with high self-esteem). I must accept that her attention, sweet gestures, mirroring actions and of course, the amazing sex (which happened pretty fast for my standards) got me hooked and made me commit very quickly.

As always, we had a honeymoon that lasted 6 months or so. The sweetest and most attentive girl ever, best sex in my life, very wild and creative. I saw a couple red flags during this time (extreme sensitivity, some jealousy) but I ignored them since I felt we were doing so great. After this time she started to show some extreme jealous behavior towards some of my closest female friends, and fights started to happen more and more frequently. I broke up with her towards the end of our first year, but it only lasted for three weeks or so. At this point I was (and I think I am still) a codependent, and my emotional attachment was too strong. I was too afraid of being alone... and I must accept, I missed terribly the intimacy as well.

So I reached out again after three weeks and she received me with open arms, no questions asked. Again, another honeymoon phase of about a couple months and then 8 more months of misery. Extreme jealousy, rage attacks, public dramatic shows, emotional blackmail (guys flirt with me all the time) and a very extreme episode of her leaving her place in a rage outburst, taking her car and driving like crazy out of her apartment, me following her in my car trying to stop her from having an accident of hurting somebody. At this point, I was scared of her hurting herself... .but I didn't leave immediatly. Our sex life deteriorated in frequency and quality, I must accept even tough I still found her attractive my drive was very low and it was hard to focus on our good moments... .which were shorter and more sporadic as time passed in 2013. By the end of this year, and after other episodes of jealousy and lies (at this point I am fairly convinced she cheated on my during a business trip, but I never found conclusive proof), I broke up with her again.

This time it lasted 7 months. Towards the summer of 2014 I discovered this website and others (but didn't join the community, big mistake) and started therapy as I felt I was struggling to stay away from her. I dated other girls, but nothing worked out as I was constantly thinking about her. The information I found here and elsewhere pretty much described accurately the progession of my relationship, and even tough it became clear to me that I had made the right choice, by the end of the summer I reached out to her again. Huge mistake.

This time around she didn't commit to try it again. There was a possibility I had to leave town for another job, and since I was honest about this from the beginning she claimed she didn't want to invest too much. However, her behavior turned erratic, with her words she would tell me she loved me, that I was still the man she fell for, and that if we took it slow she would consider trying for a third time. Her actions didn't match tough, and she started with the typical push/pull behavior, sharp mood swings and individualization of her bad feelings towards me.

We didn't have a relationship, in fact we didn't even kissed during the last 4 months regardless of the significant time we spent together doing everything as a couple, but without sex or other physical manifestations. From my side, even tough I had already figured out that nothing had changed and she remained the same person (she never acknwledged any responsability for the previous break ups... .she claimed her defense mechanism was not to think about it), for some reason I went on trying to prove her my love. I treated her like a princess and was very supportive, but it seemed the more I tried tget close the more she would push me away.

I caught her lying to me several times, cancelling plans last minute because of non-existant illnesses (just to find out later she went out with other people) and getting busier and busier over time. Of course, she would always play the victim card and soften my frustration with "sincere" apologies and short moments of sweetness. I tolerated all these things, and more hot/cold behavior, extreme negativity towards me (but happiness for everybody else) and let her undermine my self esteem to very low levels. I witnessed her flirt with waiters in front of my eyes (but I could not say a thing since we had no relationship), but whenever I demanded her to be honest and tell me once and for all if she was still interested in me, if she still loved me, or if there was anybody else, she would deny it and tell me I love you, there is nobody else. Even more confusing, besides telling me these things she would still get jealous about me going out with my female friends or being in contact with exes... .which somehow I used to convince myself that she still cared. It seemed she wanted me but at the same time... .she didn't.

So it comes finally to the last couple weeks. I took her to a show and cooked her a meal to celebrate her birthday (she was in this funky, cold mood all the time), and after that she disappeared. I sensed something was off, she would reply to my calls with a very negative a pessimistic attitude, telling me that she didn't want to do anything else for her birthday, while I would find pictures and videos the next day of her having a blast with everybody. I realize that she has untagged herself from all our pictures in fb (very painful experience) and finally... one night at a party I realize she is partying and accepting drinks from the waiters she was flirting with a couple months ago in front of me. I ask her to meet to communicate my decision to take a job on the west coast (I live in the east) but she declines claiming she is too busy to meet.

After all this I am very confused and hurt, since it is clear that her actions never matched her words. Nothing can keep from thinking that all this time she has been dating around, while telling me she wanted to try it again with me. I have taken plenty of negativity, I feel like I am begging her to spend time together, and that my self-esteem is lowest. I feel insecure and obssesed over her behavior. So I decide to go NC radically and forget about her for good last weekend.

So I know... .this is pretty much 100% on me, since I was the one that broke up with her twice and then tried to get together again for a third one. Something made it really hard for me to let go. As I have read in this page and elsewhere every succesive break-up and recycle make the relationship more disfunctional, and I am sure her resentment for me leaving her in the past was always there. So I am pretty sure she feels entitled to retribution, and me suffering right now seems fair from her perspective.

Of course my ego is hurt because it seems she has moved on and she is seeing other people already. But I can honestly say that what I am grieving about is the fact that she was not honest with me from the beginning when I reached out. Had I known she was not interested, even tough still difficult, I would have walked away, no questions asked. But since she kept telling me she still loved me and was considering trying it again, I sticked around until the pain was unbearable. By the end she was extremely cold and negative, and her actions were clearly asking me to leave her alone. So I did, quietly and without explanations from my side. It hurt me big time to see her behave differently with me, while she was being nice and flirty with everybody else. Still I took it, and came back for more every time.

I know I have plenty of work to do... .I am clearly codependent and struggle to be alone for too long. I know she is not healthy for me, and now I know she does not even love me (if she ever did) anymore. But I still miss her and I am experiencing great pain now. I am responsible, I should have stayed away from her.

I feel moving to the west coast is the best that could happen to me, so I don't have to see her anymore. I have blocked her from all devices and platforms, and I am planning on removing myself from the social environments (dancing) where I can run into her. I decided to leave before she told me to do so, or before seeing her making out with somebody else in front of me. I won't be moving out of the state until January, so it will be two very long months. I am back in therapy, and trying the get back on my feet.

My expectations for joining this community is to get insight about my case and find support to walk away from good. I thank you in advance your help and time.
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DangIthurts
***
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 181


« Reply #1 on: November 20, 2014, 05:09:08 PM »

Text book from what I see around here may not be BPD exactly but its some form of personality disorder most people here experience.

I too dealt with

-VERY fast beginning

-infatuation at unprecedented levels

-then the roll down the hill to avoidance, canceling, distancing

-only ever a full month apart but spoke everyday

I am curious you said you broke up fro months 3 times did that happen with no contact or were you still maintaining contact?
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krinaker

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 9


« Reply #2 on: November 20, 2014, 05:48:29 PM »

We maintained some contact... .we share the same social circle because of dancing. But I was the one initiating contact most of the time, including reaching out to try it for a last time.
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camuse
****
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 453


« Reply #3 on: November 21, 2014, 02:59:02 AM »

Im still amazed at the similarity in stories here. mine was almost identical right down to the birthday meal. you will probably be hurting for a good while, months or even years, but it gets easier. understand this was not about you at all.
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