Our children (D14, S12, S9) are starting to see it...

[Mr. Solo]

Starting about six months ago, D14 began having run ins with my dBPDw (separated). When we would all be out together, my wife would end up creating a situation where she was arguing with D14 about something miniscule and it was eventually escalate until both of them were crying. Once it was something as simple as we were out to eat and D14 didn't want to eat her meal. My wife told her to send it back. D14 then decided to go ahead and eat it. My wife went nuts telling her she was just eating it because she didn't want to send it back. D14 kept saying that wasn't the case and she just changed her mind. By the time we left the parking lot afterwards, they were both crying. We went to get doughnuts late one night and by the time we got back from that they were both crying (after arguing).

S12 has started having run ins with my wife the last couple of months. Tonight my wife texted me and said S12 got in her face and told her she was a neglectful mother. It was almost 8:30pm and she hadn't fed them anything. She smacked his mouth. Then she fixed INSTANT GRITS for supper. Our children were not pleased so she just got even more mad.

What is starting to worry me is, our children are not misrepresenting reality. What they are accusing her of is true. She doesn't take care of them. They have realized when we were a family, I covered for their mother ALL THE TIME. If she wouldn't do it, I had to, so it was addressed and they didn't really notice. Now we are separated and she is taking care of them all alone so she struggles. I mentioned reality, because she told me she thinks S12 is crazy. I don't think she has told him that but I know if things continue down this road, she will eventually and I don't want him knowing his mother thinks he is crazy (because she is, in fact, not living in reality).

The separation, which has been since July 2013, has resulted in some good things. The kids see their mother without me covering her ___. They also see I am halfway responsible, at least. But, they have started to see negative things on her part and, because we are apart, I cannot know what is really going on so I can protect the kids from my wife's BPD. The kids and I start therapy with someone who is specialized in BPD, Narcissism, high conflict relationships, etc. Hopefully it helps.

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[Panda39]

My SO's daughter's are 18 and 14 so a little further down the road than your kids and they have experienced the same thing once their parents divorced.  It is no longer a merged family of mentally healthy trying to manage BPD.  Their parent's separation became a polarization of who is healthy (Dad) and who has problems (uBPDmom).  Your kids like my honey's are smart they will catch on.  In my opinion the very best thing you can do is validate your kids feelings. This does not mean bad mouth mom.

Your son was hungry and voiced a legitimate concern.  Validate him.  Something like S12 wow you must have been really hungry to get so angry... .leave it open ended so he can vent and then maybe coach him to a better way to handle things next time... .was there a better solution than yelling at mom?  Could you have gotten a snack to hold you over until dinner?  Could you have offered to help mom get dinner ready?... .

Just love your kids and keep giving them the AntiBPD universe that is Dad's house 

I'll be interested to hear how your therapy goes.  I'm gently nudging my honey to do the same with his D14 who is still at home and has begun having a lot of conflict with mom and at the same time being punished when Dad backs her up (D14 is the all bad/painted black daughter currently in the eyes of her mom).  Sad that mom is driving her lovely daughter away. 

[Mr. Solo]

My SO's daughter's are 18 and 14 so a little further down the road than your kids and they have experienced the same thing once their parents divorced.  It is no longer a merged family of mentally healthy trying to manage BPD.  Their parent's separation became a polarization of who is healthy (Dad) and who has problems (uBPDmom).  Your kids like my honey's are smart they will catch on.  In my opinion the very best thing you can do is validate your kids feelings. This does not mean bad mouth mom.

Your son was hungry and voiced a legitimate concern.  Validate him.  Something like S12 wow you must have been really hungry to get so angry... .leave it open ended so he can vent and then maybe coach him to a better way to handle things next time... .was there a better solution than yelling at mom?  Could you have gotten a snack to hold you over until dinner?  Could you have offered to help mom get dinner ready?... .

Just love your kids and keep giving them the AntiBPD universe that is Dad's house 

I'll be interested to hear how your therapy goes.  I'm gently nudging my honey to do the same with his D14 who is still at home and has begun having a lot of conflict with mom and at the same time being punished when Dad backs her up (D14 is the all bad/painted black daughter currently in the eyes of her mom).  Sad that mom is driving her lovely daughter away. 

Thanks for the advice. After my wife put the kids to bed she began validating S12 herself. I guess it could be called a pity party but she was saying she knows she isn't a good mother and S12 was right. Of course, now she feels guilty for not being on top of motherly things AND for acting like an idiot towards S12. She decided it was too much and made herself go to sleep.