When your ex BPD starts dating...

[Ceruleanblue]

My husband left last week. Says he wants a divorce. He seems to have turned totally cold, and it's like I'm now nothing to him. I'm dealing with this as well as I can. Today was an okay day until he came charging over here, mad as all get out. I'd withdrawn the money from the bank. I'd been advised to do this, and I have no idea if he'll pay my rent, utilities... .I did it not to be mean, but because I was advised to by my T, and lots of people. I called the police, and they met him here. It was pretty ugly. I will probably put most of the money back, because he promised to pay my rent for three months. I realize he may back out, but I'm hoping not.

What I'm thinking of tonight is this though: I'm afraid if I find out he's dating, I'll go into a tailspin. I'm doing mostly okay. To be honest, I'm somewhat relieved, because my daily life with him was a roller coaster of dysregulation, mood swings, anger, blame and him threatening me with divorce constantly. I feel sick for even missing him, but I do.

I know these types rarely take time to heal, and jump right into another relationship. He told me not long ago he "wasn't sure he wanted to be married", and that "other women were looking beautiful". Then he'd blame and shame ME for being insecure. I'm not even up to dating. I feel so hurt, and duped that he was never what he pretended to be.

How do you deal with it when your not yet ex starts dating?

[enlighten me]

Hi cerulean

Its a horrible place to be. As we seem to be mourning the end of the relationsjip they seem to move on so quickly. What you have to realise is that they have already done this. They decided long ago that it was over and have already had their mourning period. That is why the devaluing seems so bad because they are painting you black to break their emotional bond to you.

The sad thing with BPD is that a lot of the time when they run into a problem they wont work it out but run away. Its the same behaviour a child uses. When a child falls out with a friend they drop that friend and then vilify them as this is easier than trying to repair the friendship and admit they were wrong.

It hurts like hell. It made me feel worthless and a failure. There are a few things that comforted me.

Firstly knowing I was off of the rollercoaster. Secondly knowing that whatever relationship they had it woild never work.

[Deeno02]

Wish I could offer advice, but Im the same way. My body hadnt even cooled and she was with her college buddy.Shatterd me even further that you didnt take the time to mourn the relationship we had. Still have a hard time at the speed with which I was replaced. Its all part of their problem. They cant stand being alone. However long this relationship lasts is unknown, but rest assured, they will either come back to you or quickly move on to someone else... .it is what it is... .

[Caredverymuch]

My husband left last week. Says he wants a divorce. He seems to have turned totally cold, and it's like I'm now nothing to him. I'm dealing with this as well as I can. Today was an okay day until he came charging over here, mad as all get out. I'd withdrawn the money from the bank. I'd been advised to do this, and I have no idea if he'll pay my rent, utilities... .I did it not to be mean, but because I was advised to by my T, and lots of people. I called the police, and they met him here. It was pretty ugly. I will probably put most of the money back, because he promised to pay my rent for three months. I realize he may back out, but I'm hoping not.

What I'm thinking of tonight is this though: I'm afraid if I find out he's dating, I'll go into a tailspin. I'm doing mostly okay. To be honest, I'm somewhat relieved, because my daily life with him was a roller coaster of dysregulation, mood swings, anger, blame and him threatening me with divorce constantly. I feel sick for even missing him, but I do.

I know these types rarely take time to heal, and jump right into another relationship. He told me not long ago he "wasn't sure he wanted to be married", and that "other women were looking beautiful". Then he'd blame and shame ME for being insecure. I'm not even up to dating. I feel so hurt, and duped that he was never what he pretended to be.

How do you deal with it when your not yet ex starts dating?

Incredibly hurtful and very difficult to depersonalize understandably.  There's no quick fix on this.  For me, retrospectively, I wish I had put up a non waivering  boundary.  My t advised me to do this when my ex began triangulating and going back and forth w his emotions regarding his then ex and me.  I couldn't do it and I acted understanding instead in the way that I would tell him he should make his own decisions but, I still allowed him to remain in contact w me.  I wish I had put up a firm boundary on day one. 

No matter the outcome, it would have protected me from such a hellish roller coaster ride of splits and recycles and manipulations and lies.

I try to tell myself now, much later, that if he was capable of leaving me while in the best of times, there's really nothing more I need to know.  He was not a reliable or trustworthy person. Disorder or not.

[Deeno02]

My husband left last week. Says he wants a divorce. He seems to have turned totally cold, and it's like I'm now nothing to him. I'm dealing with this as well as I can. Today was an okay day until he came charging over here, mad as all get out. I'd withdrawn the money from the bank. I'd been advised to do this, and I have no idea if he'll pay my rent, utilities... .I did it not to be mean, but because I was advised to by my T, and lots of people. I called the police, and they met him here. It was pretty ugly. I will probably put most of the money back, because he promised to pay my rent for three months. I realize he may back out, but I'm hoping not.

What I'm thinking of tonight is this though: I'm afraid if I find out he's dating, I'll go into a tailspin. I'm doing mostly okay. To be honest, I'm somewhat relieved, because my daily life with him was a roller coaster of dysregulation, mood swings, anger, blame and him threatening me with divorce constantly. I feel sick for even missing him, but I do.

I know these types rarely take time to heal, and jump right into another relationship. He told me not long ago he "wasn't sure he wanted to be married", and that "other women were looking beautiful". Then he'd blame and shame ME for being insecure. I'm not even up to dating. I feel so hurt, and duped that he was never what he pretended to be.

How do you deal with it when your not yet ex starts dating?

Incredibly hurtful and very difficult to depersonalize understandably.  There's no quick fix on this.  For me, retrospectively, I wish I had put up a non waivering  boundary.  My t advised me to do this when my ex began triangulating and going back and forth w his emotions regarding his then ex and me.  I couldn't do it and I acted understanding instead in the way that I would tell him he should make his own decisions but, I still allowed him to remain in contact w me.  I wish I had put up a firm boundary on day one. 

No matter the outcome, it would have protected me from such a hellish roller coaster ride of splits and recycles and manipulations and lies.

I try to tell myself now, much later, that if he was capable of leaving me while in the best of times, there's really nothing more I need to know.  He was not a reliable or trustworthy person. Disorder or not.

Exactly. While mine is till in honeymoon phase, I have already, in my mind, set my boundry, if the exg/f decides to play me again. It will be no. Period. I hope she stays with her "when Im done, Im done" mantra, but got to be prepared anyway.

[RisingSun]

Oh, how I wish the heart would follow the mind. I know I don't want to re-engage with my xw but it hurts so bad to know they're with someone else.

It's not fair that they can detach so easily and escape the pain and heartbreak of a relationship ending. We're stuck with all the garbage they've left behind and forced to clean up their mess.

There's no easy way around the feelings that arise when you find out your BPDx has moved onto another source of supply. What I would recommend is not looking into their life.

I have no idea if my xw is still with the replacement she left me for. I don't care to know. I just let my mind come up with all the stories it wants because I can easily replace those thoughts with the inevitable outcome. Which is the total destruction of yet another relationship, not to far off in the future. So you can look on the bright side knowing that regardless of who they're with it will end up in the same place. Dysfunction.

Something to help you a bit is to realize that there is no way in hell that your xBPD will improve their relationship skills unless they're in T for a loong time. Rest assured he won't be any better with the next victim, ad infinitum.

[Deeno02]

Oh, how I wish the heart would follow the mind. I know I don't want to re-engage with my xw but it hurts so bad to know they're with someone else.

It's not fair that they can detach so easily and escape the pain and heartbreak of a relationship ending. We're stuck with all the garbage they've left behind and forced to clean up their mess.

There's no easy way around the feelings that arise when you find out your BPDx has moved onto another source of supply. What I would recommend is not looking into their life.

I have no idea if my xw is still with the replacement she left me for. I don't care to know. I just let my mind come up with all the stories it wants because I can easily replace those thoughts with the inevitable outcome. Which is the total destruction of yet another relationship, not to far off in the future. So you can look on the bright side knowing that regardless of who they're with it will end up in the same place. Dysfunction.

Something to help you a bit is to realize that there is no way in hell that your xBPD will improve their relationship skills unless they're in T for a loong time. Rest assured he won't be any better with the next victim, ad infinitum.

That was the first thing I did. Call it NC, call it what you will. Text, done. FB, gone. Phone #, gone. Email, Gone. Instagram, snapchat,Vine... gone.

Your right. I get therapy, they get a new life. Poof, just that quick. What evil people. And dont give me that disorder crap, yes they have it, but they sure as hell know what they are doing.

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, he was in therapy when I met him, and I thought that was a good thing. He told me his ex had cheated/left him, and that she'd physically abused him for years. I know she did abuse him, he has knife scars, and others have told me it's true, but what I now realize, is they were both messed up. He was not the innocent victim he portrayed himself to be. He was never the PASSIVE person he pretended to be when we dated. That all changed when we got married, and that mask slipped.

I think I'm just mourning the loss of what I thought he was, and all the hell he put me through for the nearly three years after we got married. Plus, it wasn't even him, it was his three PD daughters too. I feel like I fell into a hole with a hornet's nest in the bottom. My love, and compassion, kept me in it, even knowing it was bad for me in so many ways. He was dysfunctional before me, and I know he will be after me. He's had years of therapy, all to no avail. His T finally sent him to a psychiatrist, and he now has a diagnosis.

I'll be shocked if he even tells his next victim about his dual diagnosis. He has told me many times now that he's "just not a good person", but I think he's too narcissistic to truly believe it. Plus, he was so upset when I went to his same psychiatrist, and was not diagnosed, was just told I have anxiety, and depression, due to my environment, meaning my HUSBAND. I had faith in him, thought he could perhaps change, thought that I could modify how I reacted/not reacted to him enough that I could stay in it.

In the end, he wanted out, but I dread, dread, dread when I hear he is with someone else. I think for me, that will be like insult to injury. It's good to hear I'm not the only one who feels this way. And several of you, while hurt, seem to have made a sort of peace with it. I hope I can get there... .

[Ceruleanblue]

Deeno:

I too only buy so far into the "can't control" it crap. I mean, I know it's harder for them, and I know there are limits, and that there are varying degrees of the disorder, but I always, always felt like my husband could have controlled it so much more than what he actually did. He feels entitled to be mean, and it actually made him feel better to unload, and verbally abuse me.

When he told his brother that he'd left me, he told his brother that he was "really awful to me", to which his brother told him "just stop", and my husband replied "I can't seem to". Well, he can control is at his very professional job(with a couple minor slips), he can control it with his family, he just seems to always need at least ONE target. Getting help, and working their issues is a choice, and he won't do the real work to get better. We use the same psychiatrist, and this shrink told, without breaking confidentiality laws, that I've "more than tried", and that people have to want to get better. He even asked if it wouldn't be a relief if it ended. Funny thing is, after we left, we had a wonderful night, and it was THAT night my husband asked for a divorce, and I could tell this time was different.

I'm not going to make excuses for him, because I think he could have been so much better if he'd only wanted to.

[Deeno02]

Well, he was in therapy when I met him, and I thought that was a good thing. He told me his ex had cheated/left him, and that she'd physically abused him for years. I know she did abuse him, he has knife scars, and others have told me it's true, but what I now realize, is they were both messed up. He was not the innocent victim he portrayed himself to be. He was never the PASSIVE person he pretended to be when we dated. That all changed when we got married, and that mask slipped.

I think I'm just mourning the loss of what I thought he was, and all the hell he put me through for the nearly three years after we got married. Plus, it wasn't even him, it was his three PD daughters too. I feel like I fell into a hole with a hornet's nest in the bottom. My love, and compassion, kept me in it, even knowing it was bad for me in so many ways. He was dysfunctional before me, and I know he will be after me. He's had years of therapy, all to no avail. His T finally sent him to a psychiatrist, and he now has a diagnosis.

I'll be shocked if he even tells his next victim about his dual diagnosis. He has told me many times now that he's "just not a good person", but I think he's too narcissistic to truly believe it. Plus, he was so upset when I went to his same psychiatrist, and was not diagnosed, was just told I have anxiety, and depression, due to my environment, meaning my HUSBAND. I had faith in him, thought he could perhaps change, thought that I could modify how I reacted/not reacted to him enough that I could stay in it.

In the end, he wanted out, but I dread, dread, dread when I hear he is with someone else. I think for me, that will be like insult to injury. It's good to hear I'm not the only one who feels this way. And several of you, while hurt, seem to have made a sort of peace with it. I hope I can get there... .

Ceruleanblue, You will. I only spent 16 months with mine and she was in therapy because of her evil husband that left her. Stopped after we got together... . . Told me numerous times "are you sure? Im a mean person"  . Took her only 2 days after dropping me before she had her old college buddy around. While it pains me that I was replaced so quickly and seems that our 16 months together didnt mean a damn thing to her (so hurt by that), I have to reflect to the new guy. He's known her for over 20 years or so. Alot of stuff has happened in those 20 or so years, good luck buddy. Not my fu*king problem any more. When her son was always disruptive? I got the call. Kids sick? I got the call. Bad day? I got the call. Any problems I may have had? Oh, sorry to hear that... lets talk about me and my chaos. Fast forward to after the dumping. Her kid steals a lighter from lab at HS, goes into the bathroom and lights a roll of toilet paper on fire, gets pinched and is suspended. I didnt get the call! Damn I was happy! Not sure if new guy got an ear full, but then again, Im all out of ___s to give if he did or not. Long story short, Not my circus, not my monkeys! I do have to still deal somewhat with her as her son and mine are friends and she coaches my sons VB team, but Im going to be so cold and aloof she'll have frostbite.

[Deeno02]

Deeno:

I too only buy so far into the "can't control" it crap. I mean, I know it's harder for them, and I know there are limits, and that there are varying degrees of the disorder, but I always, always felt like my husband could have controlled it so much more than what he actually did. He feels entitled to be mean, and it actually made him feel better to unload, and verbally abuse me.

When he told his brother that he'd left me, he told his brother that he was "really awful to me", to which his brother told him "just stop", and my husband replied "I can't seem to". Well, he can control is at his very professional job(with a couple minor slips), he can control it with his family, he just seems to always need at least ONE target. Getting help, and working their issues is a choice, and he won't do the real work to get better. We use the same psychiatrist, and this shrink told, without breaking confidentiality laws, that I've "more than tried", and that people have to want to get better. He even asked if it wouldn't be a relief if it ended. Funny thing is, after we left, we had a wonderful night, and it was THAT night my husband asked for a divorce, and I could tell this time was different.

I'm not going to make excuses for him, because I think he could have been so much better if he'd only wanted to.

Sounds like my gf, who I gave all I had to as I do all relationships. Totally one sided. I know now I was used. Knight in shining armor to the poor stay at home mom of 5, abandoned by her husband... blah, blah, blah... .Once things started working out better for her, push/pull began. Couldnt do a damn thing right even if it was right. Second guessed myself, tried even harder to make it work, finally I was broken and just a drone. Never again. Never

[guy4caligirl]

Oh, how I wish the heart would follow the mind. I know I don't want to re-engage with my xw but it hurts so bad to know they're with someone else.

It's not fair that they can detach so easily and escape the pain and heartbreak of a relationship ending. We're stuck with all the garbage they've left behind and forced to clean up their mess.

There's no easy way around the feelings that arise when you find out your BPDx has moved onto another source of supply. What I would recommend is not looking into their life.

I have no idea if my xw is still with the replacement she left me for. I don't care to know. I just let my mind come up with all the stories it wants because I can easily replace those thoughts with the inevitable outcome. Which is the total destruction of yet another relationship, not to far off in the future. So you can look on the bright side knowing that regardless of who they're with it will end up in the same place. Dysfunction.

Something to help you a bit is to realize that there is no way in hell that your xBPD will improve their relationship skills unless they're in T for a loong time. Rest assured he won't be any better with the next victim, ad infinitum.

That was the first thing I did. Call it NC, call it what you will. Text, done. FB, gone. Phone #, gone. Email, Gone. Instagram, snapchat,Vine... gone.

Your right. I get therapy, they get a new life. Poof, just that quick. What evil people. And dont give me that disorder crap, yes they have it, but they sure as hell know what they are doing.

Amen to that DEENO It's their survival instinct that what they always think and prepare the next move and surprise with some off the wall needs they have just created while being alone for a little rethinking their strategies because that what was in their mind at that time before you entered the room ,

I came to realize that all those past five years was nothing but a game she played and still is with or not with the new supply she has no money whatsoever no job never worked and have the gut to ask me for few dollars for a stupid thing like toilette paper yeah ! I said ask your guy she said I can't I don't want to lean and no one but hey there I am a one too !

[RisingSun]

Well, he was in therapy when I met him, and I thought that was a good thing. He told me his ex had cheated/left him, and that she'd physically abused him for years. I know she did abuse him, he has knife scars, and others have told me it's true, but what I now realize, is they were both messed up. He was not the innocent victim he portrayed himself to be. He was never the PASSIVE person he pretended to be when we dated. That all changed when we got married, and that mask slipped.

I think I'm just mourning the loss of what I thought he was, and all the hell he put me through for the nearly three years after we got married. Plus, it wasn't even him, it was his three PD daughters too. I feel like I fell into a hole with a hornet's nest in the bottom. My love, and compassion, kept me in it, even knowing it was bad for me in so many ways. He was dysfunctional before me, and I know he will be after me. He's had years of therapy, all to no avail. His T finally sent him to a psychiatrist, and he now has a diagnosis.

I'll be shocked if he even tells his next victim about his dual diagnosis. He has told me many times now that he's "just not a good person", but I think he's too narcissistic to truly believe it. Plus, he was so upset when I went to his same psychiatrist, and was not diagnosed, was just told I have anxiety, and depression, due to my environment, meaning my HUSBAND. I had faith in him, thought he could perhaps change, thought that I could modify how I reacted/not reacted to him enough that I could stay in it.

In the end, he wanted out, but I dread, dread, dread when I hear he is with someone else. I think for me, that will be like insult to injury. It's good to hear I'm not the only one who feels this way. And several of you, while hurt, seem to have made a sort of peace with it. I hope I can get there... .

Well it's not just T they need. It's the unwavering willingness to change their abusive ways. Bpd's frequently use T as a crutch.

Be very weary of BPD's telling you stories of their "abusive" x's. As you know, they love to play the victim.

Crazy how crazy comes out when the wedding is over. Mine did the same thing. It was intermittently bad before the marriage but after the wedding bells were over was when stuff got real.

I know it's going to be hard to see your xBPD with someone else. Just be thankful you didn't have to experience him being with someone new while you were still together. That smarts.

You have a choice. Stay away from all forms of contact and you won't know what he's up to. Maybe do what I did. I told all our mutual friends that I in no way wanted to hear how or what xw was doing. Period. It's worked so far. And I don't dare look at her social media. Self flagellation is not something I'm into

[Earthbayne]

What blows my mind is thinking that I used to be the guy someone else probably was posting about. I used to be a replacement.

[Deeno02]

What blows my mind is thinking that I used to be the guy someone else probably was posting about. I used to be a replacement.

I never even got that. I think one picture of us was on her page out of the 3 in existence. Never changed her profile picture to one of us, like I did, never changed her relationship status either. It was like this was all planned... .

[clydegriffith]

The ex BPD doesn't really ":)ate" anyone, it's always some sort of extreme immediate commitment sparked by either a pregnancy or an engagement and moving in right away. Shes up to 5 kids and 2 engagements.  I went from having not a care in the world to living with her, my kid and her two other kids within a the matter of a year (for which she was pregnant most of the time).

The latest replacement is also in a similar situation as she got pregnant right away and now he's taking care of her, 5 kids under 6 years old and working 12 hour days. I would call that more being a slave than someone you're "dating".