long time with no break Do threats ever work?

[howcanI?]

So, I know that many of you are in much tougher situations than I, but since we moved into my dream house (back story in intro. section) on Monday, BPD husband has been in one long downward spiral into the funhouse, while I'm trying to stay on the boardwalk.  I've been doing a good job of disengaging and trying to be sympathetic and empathetic, but my patience is running thin! He usual has little breaks of mental health here and there, but this is unremitting!  I soo want to jump in with both feet! The idea of avoiding intermittent reinforcement makes a lot of sense, but how long can we go without breaking?  Does the "get therapy or leave" threat ever work?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mie]

I think it works if you are serious. Unlike them, we 'healthy people' act logically and think about the consequences of what we say or do. So if you threat to leave unless he goes to therapy, you must be ready leave too.

I did it once. I was so broken and fed up and had nothing to loose. I really considered it carefully, and knew that I would leave I'd feel really bad ( sad, guilty etc.) but eventually my life would be better.

What happened was that he came to couples councelling with me, which was my requirement otherwise I would leave. I told him that I understand that his life is not easy, but I cannot be a garbage bag where he puts all his bad feelings, neither am I a filter for all his negations and hatred or 'tabula rasa' where he can paint his black picture. I also drew a picture of myself and started hitting it with a felt-tip pen until it was all black, and I said: this is me, and I don' want to be this person.

I can't know what he thought about my exeptionally strong message. He seemed to be listening! I actually only had that one point, but I illustrated it in many ways: I (!) feel bad.

[Moselle]

So, I know that many of you are in much tougher situations than I, but since we moved into my dream house (back story in intro. section) on Monday, BPD husband has been in one long downward spiral into the funhouse, while I'm trying to stay on the boardwalk.  I've been doing a good job of disengaging and trying to be sympathetic and empathetic, but my patience is running thin! He usual has little breaks of mental health here and there, but this is unremitting!  I soo want to jump in with both feet! The idea of avoiding intermittent reinforcement makes a lot of sense, but how long can we go without breaking?  :)oes the "get therapy or leave" threat ever work?

Hello HowcanI,

I used it once 4 years ago. I had separated for the first time (4 months), and I basically said therapy or divorce. It didn't work. Of course she chose therapy and managed to connive her way though 5 or 6 therapists, and made no real changes, until our serious separation 10 months ago. I unfortunately spent all this time trying to get her diagnosed, and didn't realise my co-dependent role in the dynamic.

What has made a difference was radical acceptance (by me) that she is mentally ill and will likely never recover. I certainly have no control over that. She had told me that she had only attended therapy because I wanted her to, so I stopped paying for it and basically said to her that I was not interested in her diagnosis (she opened up about BPD/NPD by the way only after this radical acceptance). Counterintuitively that has had the biggest impact. She began attending therapy on her own accord, and has shown some progress or at least willingness to work towards mental health.

The other thing that has made a difference is me setting and maintaining boundaries https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

[howcanI?]

Many thanks, Mie and Moselle.  That actually helps.  After a solid week of profoundly dedicated crazy on his part, I'm just short of giving up on the whole detachment, SET, radical acceptance piece.  Where does that leave off and masochism begin?  I mean, alcoholism is a disease, too, but nobody should tolerate the bullsh** that comes with that!  I know it's sounds stupid to ask these questions, but at what point do I say, "Look, Pal. I hurt so bad and I really need for you to get a grip, stop, or leave.  And the thing is, the rages are one thing.  My dearest has mastered sullen deep sighs, muttering, fetal positioning, and sad, sad, sad. And the endless repetition of why this beautiful new house is all wrong, aesthetically,  morally, financially, functionally, etc.  The temptation to measure the G***amned counters and compare them to the previous apartment to PROVE that there are indeed more here is tempered by my knowledge that he will either flatly deny that reality ("NO, the sky really IS green!), or simply shift to some other way that I have ruined his life!

[howcanI?]

And while I'm on a tear, what does one do when she happens to believe that some of BPD's accusations might be valid? And the big question: WHY DO WE STAY?

[Moselle]

After a solid week of profoundly dedicated crazy on his part, I'm just short of giving up on the whole detachment, SET, radical acceptance piece.  Where does that leave off and masochism begin?  

"Profoundly dedicated crazy"

I've had a week like that too I'm being punished for perceived wrongs. The list is 14 years long!

I've learned there is only one thing that works. Validation, validation, validation

Hang in there. It'll get better

[Moselle]

And while I'm on a tear, what does one do when she happens to believe that some of BPD's accusations might be valid? And the big question: WHY DO WE STAY?

Sorry you're having a tough time of it howcanI. It will get better

It's hard to say when, but somewhere in the last 6 months, my BPD/NPD's rages and accusations stopped having the effect she desired. I realised that 90% of what she was saying was actually a projection of her insecurities about herself. It really can get to a point where it doesn't hurt. I now put on a gentle smile that lets her know that I know, and i start translating in my mind what she's saying about me into what she's actually saying about herself.

Why do we stay? Good question. I've chosen to stay because I love her, we have three children together, and I am challenged to learn what I need to about myself whilst in the fire. ie recovering from co-dependence, and developing relationship skills to handle difficult people, not just my W