Dealing with a BPD's emotional pain

[terranova79]

Hi everyone,

For me, one of the most challenging aspects of being in a relationship with my uBPDw is the fact that for as much as she unfairly blames me for things and unhealthily obsesses about years-old things I supposedly did to wrong her (and for which I've apologized dozens of times), this behavior appears to be rooted in her feeling real, honest-to-god pain.  In other words,  she might act completely unreasonably towards me, but I don't think it's because she's a bad person--she's not and in many ways is a very generous person.  It's just that she "feels" emotional pain in a very severe way because of her BPD and, in my opinion, unfairly gets mad at me as a result.

If my uBPDw were simply a bad person--e.g., if she lied, cheated, physically abused me, etc.--those actions would be easy to deal with.  I think it would be much easier to just pick up and leave in those scenarios.  But when she is mean to me because of the emotional turmoil she is in (plainly because of being a BPD), I try futilely to fix things and convince her that I love her and want the best for her.  I feel sorry for her.  I can't just pick up and leave because--in my mind--how do I leave someone who is sobbing uncontrollably on the ground because I've supposedly hurt her so badly?  All I want to do in those situations is try to fix things and alleviate her pain, but I've been trying to do that for years without luck.

How do others deal with these situations?  The logical thing would be to tell myself that (1) her blamestorms are unjust and unfair, (2) the emotional pain she is feeling has much more to do with her mental disorder than anything I've done, and (3) no matter how hard I try, I can't "fix" her and I am just wasting my time in doing so.  That's clearly what I understand on an intellectual level, but on a gut emotional level it's hard for me to accept.

Any advice or thoughts would be much appreciated!

[patientandclear]

Terranova--these are great questions. You'll get a much more appropriate response on the Staying board. Here everyone will tell you to run, and you seem to be after a much more nuanced answer. Good luck!

[fromheeltoheal]

the emotional pain she is feeling has much more to do with her mental disorder than anything I've done, and (3) no matter how hard I try, I can't "fix" her and I am just wasting my time in doing so.  That's clearly what I understand on an intellectual level, but on a gut emotional level it's hard for me to accept.

First off, good understanding, and yes, accepting it on an emotional level is hard.

One belief is that everything happens for a reason and it serves us.  What if people come into our lives when it's time to learn some new lessons, and teachers sometimes come well-disguised?  What if the emotions, readjusting, learning and reframing you need to do now, in light of the demise of the relationship and in preparation for an awesome future, are exactly what you need to be doing in the next stage of your evolution?  Best to use the pain or the confusion or whatever else is going on as fuel for growth; growth ain't always easy, but things that are worth it never are.  What's one thing you're looking forward to now?

Edit: Oops, I now realize you're still in the relationship, my bad, made an assumption that it's over because you're on the Leaving board.  P&C is right, you'll get better stuff for your situation on the Staying board, but what I said above still applies.  Take care of you!

[Blimblam]

Terranova

You would have to depersonalize it. Which is easier said than done for a number of reasons.  The main one being because you trully love her and respect her.  In some way her negativity attaches to some parts of you in your unconcious figuring out what that is is the key to depersonalizing it on an emotional level while not dehumanizing her.  

[michel71]

TERRA... .I am in the exact same place as you are. Same questions. Same dilemma. Unlike you, I am all over the boards here literally. Sometimes I have posted on the leaving. Sometimes the undecided and then on the staying boards. I desperately love my uBPDw. I am still hooked on all the hopes and dreams and crazy into the woman that I first fell in love with. Where did she go? What happened? What happened was exactly the pattern of all BPD relationships. Mine is no different. Yet, I am in complete misery when she dysregulates. I am blamed for everything and vilified for things that I don't deserve. Sure I am human and I have made a few mis-steps but nothing on the caliber of what I am accused of. Her venom is amazing at times. How can I continue to live like this? How do I live with her? How do I live without her? I am in quite a conundrum and feel crazy at times. Plus I am anxious, have sleep problems and constantly obsess about my relationship and her and what is going to happen. Luckily I have a T and close friends, but they have been vilified by her because I sought them out for a source of support in my desperation and have "told them things". She told me that I am a cheater for this.

All I can say to you is the advice that I am giving myself now, which is to be gentle on yourself. I am also diving into the lessons to learn as much as I can. I pray a lot too. Good luck friend!

[terranova79]

Terranova--these are great questions. You'll get a much more appropriate response on the Staying board. Here everyone will tell you to run, and you seem to be after a much more nuanced answer. Good luck!

Thanks. I totally realize that something like this seems might seem more appropriate on the staying board, but for me, these questions get to a core reason for why I feel unable to leave my uBPDw--even though my friends, family, T, and even my logical side tell me that I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship.  Despite how unfair she may be, she really does "feel" that I've hurt her and want to abandon her.  This makes it difficult for me to leave because if I do, it will hurt her even more and, in her mind, prove her right for thinking that i'm just a jerk who wants to ruin her life and abandon her at the drop of a hat.  I feel sorry for her and want to prove to her that I care for her, but logically I know that this is probably impossible.  [[[DISCLOSURE:  I have two young kids with my uBPDw, meaning that I will have to interact with her for many years to come and cannot simply leave and put her craziness out-of-sight-out-of-mind.]]]

[whatathing]

Hi Terranova,

I was in a similar situation. I think my uBPDexgf was the waif type. She also didn´t rage, physically attack, etc., but I´ve learned that, although what you say about yours was true for mine too, her behaviour was pretty abusive and manipulative, but in a much more subtle way. Inspite of feeling a victim, I think that we should leave to each person what´s each one´s responsability. You´re not responsible for translating her behaviour to her as abusive, so that she understands it; and you´re not responsible for trying to ease the burden of her own twisted thoughts. If she´s willing to be objective about things, she will find out the truth: that  you´re not hurting her, that her trauma is causing the pain, etc., etc... What´s happening there could be a very subtle, and therefore manipulative, way of being in control.

I´ve learned that there are two levels of behaviour, intentions, and consciousness, in them: the more explicit, in which they aren´t able to recognize their responsibilites, etc.; and the more implicit, more subtle and difficult to unearth, but which is present anyway, in which they use manipulative tactics they learned unconsciously, and that keep us hooked. They know, in this level, that these tactics aren´t fair. It´s what´s been done to them also, by their caretakers when they were a child. Somewhere inside her, your partner knows that there´s some distorted logic in the way she accuses you. Maybe if you take the risk to bring this up, to explore this to the root, you´ll find out that she´s more aware of it than she shows.

There is nothing wrong for you to use a sane and objective framework to evaluate and respond to her behaviour. If she can´t see things as they are, that´s part of her problems, her challenge, her responsibility, her life. You can´t spend your life compensating that. This is difficult to accept, maybe because it shows how fragile things are with her. It shows how she will abandon you easily, and how little consistency your r/s has. And it´s also difficult when us nons have a tendency to fusional relationships, in which it´s normal for these kind of limits to be foggy and blurred. In a healthy r/s, people are used to not go beyond what´s due to each other in terms of responsibility, freedom, duty, etc.

Also, it feels like maybe she triggers some kind of responsability or guilt deep in you. Or abandonment issues. These things keep you in the toxic dance.

But of course, as it´s been said, it´s much more easier said than done! I just wanted to alert you to the possible inner dynamics that are keeping you negatively attached to a r/s that is being abusive to you.

Best of luck to you, and sorry if this doesn´t apply to you, or if it´s invasive.

[whatathing]

Again, I don´t know if this applies to your situation, but it made me think a lot!

www.kevinmartineau.ca/would-you-let-go-of-the-rope/

[Blimblam]

Again, I don´t know if this applies to your situation, but it made me think a lot!

www.kevinmartineau.ca/would-you-let-go-of-the-rope/

Thank you this really was a valuable read or me. What I find interesting is how it works conversely also.  My ex probably felt that way about me which is ironic and something I have struggled greatly with.

[patientandclear]

Terranova ... .Well ok, if you're sure you want to hang out with us Leavers

You contrast what your partner does, which others in your life characterize as emotional abuse, with real abuse, because in your partner's case, she is a good and generous person with BPD which causes this hurtful behavior.

Let me just gently push back.

Almost all abuse comes, at root, from the abuser's suffering. Their hurt, their erroneous belief that we are causing the hurt or will cause hurt, or that mistreatment of us will lead to it feeling better.

Once we start rationalizing behavior and statements that wound us in those terms, pretty much the entire world of abusive behavior is fair game.

I deeply understand that your partner in fact feels that you are a source of harm for her. My exbf wBPD genuinely felt I abandoned him when, objectively, he ended our r/s.

It is also true that my (nonBPD) exH who was physically and emotionally abusive to me for years, genuinely feels that I don't want him to succeed, that I am narcissistic, etc etc.

I guess my point is that the fact that the abuse comes from real feelings on their part of betrayal hurt and fear, doesn't tell us much if anything about what we need to do to respond.

[Shankz]

Again, I don´t know if this applies to your situation, but it made me think a lot!

www.kevinmartineau.ca/would-you-let-go-of-the-rope/

nice contribution. thanks for the links!

[fromheeltoheal]

Despite how unfair she may be, she really does "feel" that I've hurt her and want to abandon her.  This makes it difficult for me to leave because if I do, it will hurt her even more and, in her mind, prove her right for thinking that i'm just a jerk who wants to ruin her life and abandon her at the drop of a hat.  I feel sorry for her and want to prove to her that I care for her, but logically I know that this is probably impossible.

I guess my point is that the fact that the abuse comes from real feelings on their part of betrayal hurt and fear, doesn't tell us much if anything about what we need to do to respond.[/quote]
The first step is to accept that those real feelings in her head stem from a mental illness, and that same mental illness will cause her to respond in certain ways if you 'hurt her even more'.  I don't know if she is predictable or not, mine was, any upsetting of the apple cart was going to create an explosion, so the only option left for me was to go into self-preservation mode, which lasted for a while, until I'd had enough of the irrationality and drama and left.  I realize that's not an option entirely TN, and your self-preservation needs to include your kid's preservation too, but there comes a time when enough is enough and it's time to fight fire with fire; who knows, if she goes far enough off the deep end you may end up with sole custody.  But what do I know, I'm not a parent, and there are plenty on the Staying and Coparenting boards, but there's my two cents.