Has anyone ever experienced anything like this?

[boatman]

I work 2 jobs, maintain my own house, go to therapy, etc. while my exBPDgf sits at home and collects unemployment. She has been up and down quite a bit lately but somehow we were muddling through. We had plans yesterday afternoon to go get a Christmas tree for my house, have dinner and decorate the tree. I got the food for dinner and I was going to make it. She planned on coming over shortly after I got home from work. As soon as I got home I washed the rest of my dishes and got the kitchen ready to cook dinner when we returned with the tree. Then I jumped in the shower and left the door open for my ex to let herself in in case she got there while I was in the shower. This isn't out of the ordinary at all, in fact this is what usually happens when we get together in the late afternoon after I finish work. I got out of the shower about 2 minutes after she arrived, got dressed and was ready in about 5 minutes. I could tell she was upset about something, she also seemed upset a couple hours earlier when I talked with her on the phone. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was upset that I wasn't already showered and dressed when she arrived. I told her that I didn't think that was reasonable given everything I had to do. I didn't tell her this but frankly I think it's ridiculous given the fact that I work and I still took care of everything for dinner. She quickly began to rage and berate me and had the nerve to tell me that I don't respect her time (clearly projection). She escalated very quickly and began swearing and screaming so I told her to leave. Soon the text messages started. First she wanted to just make up but she didn't apologize or take responsibility for her behavior. I told her I was uncomfortable but might be willing to try to spend some time together. She told me that she didn't want to see me if I thought I might leave if I was uncomfortable. I told her this was a possibility. She then said she needed someone who wouldn't leave anytime he was upset about something (projection again). Then she called and I made the mistake of answering the phone because she immediately went into the "we are incompatible" speech and that she wanted to end the relationship because she "couldn't deal with it anymore". I told her I felt manipulated and ended the conversation. I saw on facebook shortly after that she again became friends with one of her exes that we had fought about her having contact with before. She and I have had no contact since.

Has anyone else experienced something bizarre like this? Did she pick the fight just because she wanted to talk to her ex? Thanks for any feedback.

[Blimblam]

I experienced similiar things. 

It is sort of chicken  or the egg.

What I realize is my ex became resentful that I was busy. She didn't know how to express this properly. I became resentful because my ex began to withdraw and wasn't reciprocal in giving. Me trying to explain this triggered her.

She wanted for me to assuage her fears of my being busy. It spiraled out because I expected to work through this like adults and she has a disordered personality.

[Infared]

Sure does sound like she was setting you up. Could just be a crazipants episode or a thought out manipulation to cause separation  so that she could do what she wanted and blame you for it... .Her then being the victim.

[Seriously?]

" It spiraled out because I expected to work through this like adults and she has a disordered personality."  YES! EXACTLY. Working through things doesn't work. Real compromise doesn't work. Anything that normally makes for real, adult conversation gets misconstrued due to the disorder. If I can put my feelings away any only rely on clinical analysis,  I know it cannot be a fulfilling relationship. Easier said than done.

[boatman]

What I realize is my ex became resentful that I was busy. She didn't know how to express this properly. I became resentful because my ex began to withdraw and wasn't reciprocal in giving. Me trying to explain this triggered her.

Blimblam-

I remember thinking in the moment that it was probably some sort of deeper anger but I just didn't have the energy to try to figure it out. My feelings of being disrespected and manipulated were too great to set aside to deal with her feelings. I knew in the moment I was tired of putting my feelings aside. I'm angry with her but part of me has been beating myself up for not trying to understand her more in the moment.

Sure does sound like she was setting you up. Could just be a crazipants episode or a thought out manipulation to cause separation  so that she could do what she wanted and blame you for it... .Her then being the victim.

Infared-

I agree. The key phrase there is "blame me for it... ." She rarely took responsibility for her behavior.

" It spiraled out because I expected to work through this like adults and she has a disordered personality."  YES! EXACTLY. Working through things doesn't work. Real compromise doesn't work. Anything that normally makes for real, adult conversation gets misconstrued due to the disorder. If I can put my feelings away any only rely on clinical analysis,  I know it cannot be a fulfilling relationship. Easier said than done.

Seriously?-

Working through things doesn't work, you're exactly right. So often she tried to blame me for this and sometimes I blame myself too. Letting go of this is going to be difficult for me.

[Infared]

" It spiraled out because I expected to work through this like adults and she has a disordered personality."  YES! EXACTLY. Working through things doesn't work. Real compromise doesn't work. Anything that normally makes for real, adult conversation gets misconstrued due to the disorder. If I can put my feelings away any only rely on clinical analysis,  I know it cannot be a fulfilling relationship. Easier said than done.

+1000

[myself]

Could be covering for something already in motion?

You'll probably never really know the exact/deepest details.

She probably doesn't even really know, you know?

[peiper]

I pretty much got set up the same way. We went to Maui. I got home first do to seating by two hours. I sent her a text that I was going to take a short nap and get up after she got home and go get steaks for dinner.  She gets home comes in the den and starts raging because I'm asleep in the recliner.  It escalated in a matter of seconds that she was moving out. Turns out she'd had a boyfriend for months. We got divorced and she moved in with him.

[Blimblam]

Keep digging boatman.

It's in your memory. Acknowledging that you were repressing your emotions is a good step. The point you are remembering is at a point you can clearly remember as not fair and I can sense frustration and anger.  Lean into hear emotions. Keep remembering back. Their is perhaps a point earlier in the relationship you could sense her pulling away?

[boatman]

I pretty much got set up the same way. We went to Maui. I got home first do to seating by two hours. I sent her a text that I was going to take a short nap and get up after she got home and go get steaks for dinner.  She gets home comes in the den and starts raging because I'm asleep in the recliner.  It escalated in a matter of seconds that she was moving out. Turns out she'd had a boyfriend for months. We got divorced and she moved in with him.

Peiper- That's awful, I'm sorry that happened to you. She's picked fights with me before in order to pursue other guys and I was dumb enough to forgive her. I guess I shouldn't be suprised that something similar might have happened again.

Could be covering for something already in motion?

You'll probably never really know the exact/deepest details.

She probably doesn't even really know, you know?

Songbook- I agree. If I tried to discuss it with her, her explanation of it would change by the hour. In the past she's apologized for things one minute and defended her actions ten minutes later.

It's in your memory. Acknowledging that you were repressing your emotions is a good step. The point you are remembering is at a point you can clearly remember as not fair and I can sense frustration and anger.  Lean into hear emotions. Keep remembering back. Their is perhaps a point earlier in the relationship you could sense her pulling away?

Blimblam- This has been her pattern. She pushes me away then tries to pull me back anywhere from a day to a few weeks later. I need to stop taking her back.

[Craydar]

Sure does sound like she was setting you up. Could just be a crazipants episode or a thought out manipulation to cause separation  so that she could do what she wanted and blame you for it... .Her then being the victim.

I agree with Infrared. You certainly could have been set up to fail, however, the similar mood swings that I've seen with my exBPD would lead me to believe that it was just an over exaggerated crayburst. The part that resonates with me and perplexes me is the fact that, while they superficially apologize for their behavior, they NEVER take responsibility for being wrong. They can't. Managing their own internal struggle creates the so much self-centeredness that it makes it too painful to personally take on and accept any more dysfunction. So they deflect it, project it, or just plain ignore it.

[Deeno02]

I experienced similiar things. 

It is sort of chicken  or the egg.

What I realize is my ex became resentful that I was busy. She didn't know how to express this properly. I became resentful because my ex began to withdraw and wasn't reciprocal in giving. Me trying to explain this triggered her.

She wanted for me to assuage her fears of my being busy. It spiraled out because I expected to work through this like adults and she has a disordered personality.

Same here. Her schedule was chaos and i got brought into it taking her 5 kids here and there. No problem, its my girl friend, I can help. However, I have 2 kids with schedules, a house to run, dog to take care of, lawn to mow, laundry to do, work late sometimes, so i was then hit with the "you never spend anytime with me", "treat me special or lose me" and try to tell her i have stuff to shecwould reply "i have 5 kids you have 2" or "you only think your busy"... .What the heck is that? Jeez... .

[michel71]

Sure does sound like she was setting you up. Could just be a crazipants episode or a thought out manipulation to cause separation  so that she could do what she wanted and blame you for it... .Her then being the victim.

I agree with Infrared. You certainly could have been set up to fail, however, the similar mood swings that I've seen with my exBPD would lead me to believe that it was just an over exaggerated crayburst. The part that resonates with me and perplexes me is the fact that, while they superficially apologize for their behavior, they NEVER take responsibility for being wrong. They can't. Managing their own internal struggle creates the so much self-centeredness that it makes it too painful to personally take on and accept any more dysfunction. So they deflect it, project it, or just plain ignore it.

WELL SAID!

[boatman]

I agree with Infrared. You certainly could have been set up to fail, however, the similar mood swings that I've seen with my exBPD would lead me to believe that it was just an over exaggerated crayburst. The part that resonates with me and perplexes me is the fact that, while they superficially apologize for their behavior, they NEVER take responsibility for being wrong. They can't. Managing their own internal struggle creates the so much self-centeredness that it makes it too painful to personally take on and accept any more dysfunction. So they deflect it, project it, or just plain ignore it.

Craydar-

Good point. I accepted her one word superficial apologies many times, including when she cheated on me before. I can't recall one time when she took responsibility for her behavior in a heartfelt way. In fact, I remember crying many times after she did something hurtful or raged at me and she would just yawn! She seemed just heartless so many times.  :'(

Same here. Her schedule was chaos and i got brought into it taking her 5 kids here and there. No problem, its my girl friend, I can help. However, I have 2 kids with schedules, a house to run, dog to take care of, lawn to mow, laundry to do, work late sometimes, so i was then hit with the "you never spend anytime with me", "treat me special or lose me" and try to tell her i have stuff to shecwould reply "i have 5 kids you have 2" or "you only think your busy"... .What the heck is that? Jeez... .

Deeno-

I'm sorry that your ex put you through the same thing. Their complete lack of perspective is absolutely astonishing isn't it? Our feelings often just didn't matter.

[BlueSunshine]

I too have experienced the fight instigating many times.

Sometimes it was to escape to his new affair partner... .and other times it was because he is such an overwhelmingly negative person that it just oozes out of him. He needs a big incentive to put in the effort to play nice, and for him that incentive is fresh meat.

In your case, (I am sorry to say) since you noticed she immediately ran to make contact with someone that was off limits it does appear that she probably fight picked with intent. And they do.

To offer some of my personal experience... .

I have a tendency to talk to my exSO in a therapeutic way (I have played that role for many friends, I'm known as a problem solver) and help him figure out "why" he did it. I know, it's a bit bizarre. Often I was able to remove myself from the situation that was going down right then and there, speak calmly, and be helpful in a very detached way. My logical brain thought since he couldn't figure it out on his own, perhaps I would be able to help in some way and that would be good for both of us. It never worked that way of course, not really, but it was a nice thought.

Anyway, he has had a few realizations during those talks and is now able to at least be aware of *some* of his negative behaviors, (which he used to pass off the blame onto someone else or simply ignore completely, now once in a while he actually admits he is being a jerk) though it usually doesn't occur until AFTER he has committed the acts. *shakes head*

Still, he admitted upon reflection that he was indeed intentionally picking fights with me just so he could go off with a new affair partner, guilt-free. Once he finally admitted that in detail, my brain did the whiplash of memories, recalling each and every time how an affair began, and low and behold that was always in the first batch of red flags.

He said he often told himself I was better off without him and that I didn't really love him because he was such a bad person and never deserved my love. Yep, but I deserved all the bad stuff from him, apparently. The lack of logic alone was enough to make my brain twitch. He kept me on a pedestal in his head but his actions were constantly degrading.

He was often choosing for me what I was thinking and feeling. He never could stop and consider that was not possibly the truth, since it never matched my words and actions (which unlike his, are consistent mirrors to one another). Also in his head, I was simply with him because of our children/out of obligation. Whereas the future affair partner had nothing to gain from him, so their attention was pure, which in turn was wildly desirable.

Then after he was comforted and assured by all this "have your cake and eat it too" so called reality, he would find he was completely free to pursue his new AP in a state of exalted bliss and desire.

Oh, and his AP, at least the most recent one I know of, this is the kicker, he admitted he honestly felt she was below him, easy to control, and that her entire life lacked value. (That last part VERY much scared me.) He felt that he chose to shower her with affection and attention, and do all the things he knew he was supposed to do, in order to manipulate her into getting what he wanted, which was sex, and that he felt extremely powerful over her in every possible way.

There were also times he admitted he believed (since he thinks he is so worthless) that he belonged with these "lesser" people he chose, that I was too good for him, and he was in some twisted way saving me because I deserved better. Funny way to save someone.

I have pointed out to him though, that he doesn't actually believe he is truly worthless if he feels he has the right to control and manipulate people into getting what he wants. I cannot deny I did take slight pleasure, watching his face fall as I burst the "monster martyr" balloon at his eternal pity party.

*sigh* They are a trip, aren't they?

I am sorry anyone has to endure it.

Best wishes to you.

[boatman]

Hi BlueSunshine-

I'm sorry you too are dealing with this manipulative behavior. Are you separated from your ex now? Do you still have contact with him?

I'm still trying to figure out what my ex was/is up to. She tried to call me several times on Wednesday and also texted me several times. At first she texted that her mom loves me and wanted me to come for Thanksgiving dinner yesterday (my ex would be there too). A couple hours later it was that we were both wrong in how we handled our last conversation (she raged and berated while I simply asked her to stop and eventually told her to leave) and that she would "probably try to get back together with me because I mean that much to her". About an hour later the phone calls started and she texted me begging me to talk with her and work things out. I'm wondering if maybe things didn't go as she planned with her old flame/flames?

Unfortunately I'm not able to block her number on my phone but I didn't give in to her and respond while she was bombarding me with calls and texts so hopefully from here on she'll respect my no contact boundary. I guess I wouldn't bet on it though.

[BlueSunshine]

Hi Boatman,

I am working on leaving. We still live together at the moment, which is incredibly difficult as I am sure you can understand. So yes, daily contact for now though I'd much rather not have any.

I am not employed. I receive disability and funnily enough I am the one always covering the bills while his money burns holes in his pockets. That is, when he can keep a job. He is always getting fired, which he just did again last week. I do at least have my own private room now, which helps. He spends a lot of time giving me the silent treatment, too, so it can be days, weeks, or even months before he bothers with me.

We have kids, so I doubt I will be able to go no-contact after I can find a new place. I do plan on making any possible future contact brief, through texts or email, and staying as far away as possible. I don't want to see him or speak to him. We share no common friends or strong family bonds, other then the kids, that would bring us together. I fantasize of my children (ages 15 and 10) reaching legal ages so I am entirely free from dealing with him. It's not just the verbal and emotional abuse I am hopeful to leave behind from him, but the negativity, constant manipulation and lying.

I luckily don't get angry or hurt by him like I used to. I've really detached emotionally, which isn't necessarily healthy but it is a blessing right now because it is keeping me sane.

I used to think perhaps we could be friends but I have accepted that was just wishful thinking on my part.

He doesn't rage at me often, he is more quiet and internal. I can't imagine how difficult and confusing it must be for you.

I used to drive myself crazy trying to find logic in the things he would say and do... .it took me a long time to stop. This thing is a kind of madness, and there is no logic to be found in it. It is driven purely be fears and emotions, selfishness and pain. I felt great sympathy for him at times but not anymore. Doing so was allowing it be destructive to me. I spent years feeling sorry for him, trying to help him, while I let myself crumble into deep depression. I couldn't see at first how much he was hurting me because I was so concerned about him, it wasn't until a long time later I looked at myself and couldn't see "me" anymore.

A short while after I started realizing I had deteriorated I saw an old friend and she said I was so different and asked what happened to me. It was a big eye opener.

I don't doubt that to someone with Borderline, we do mean the world to them... .in moments. And they do love, however their love isn't a healthy love. Their love is very dysfunctional, thin and wavering, comparable to a short tempered toddler.

I know me saying to protect yourself, put your needs first, and seek out healthier relationships, is easier said then done. It's hard to see there is a whole world out there, but most people really do just want to be loved and cared for, equally. There are good people to be found but few of us will ever find them if we keep looking over our shoulders at our pain.

I don't think respecting boundaries is something BPD's understand or even consider. I have heard many times that the less attention you give them, the more bored they become in time and they will eventually leave you to be. That whole "out of sight, out of mind" mentality usually runs strongly in them. 


If I could cut the ties right now I would do it in a heartbeat. You can do it, for yourself. You should do it for yourself.  I shall happily be your personal cheerleader on the matter and look forward to following in your footsteps the moment my chance comes.

[boatman]

I am working on leaving. We still live together at the moment, which is incredibly difficult as I am sure you can understand. So yes, daily contact for now though I'd much rather not have any.

Hi BlueSunshine-

I'm sorry, I know how hard this must be. I had some unexpected contact with my ex yesterday and after talking with her for just an hour I felt like my brain was melting.

I used to drive myself crazy trying to find logic in the things he would say and do... .it took me a long time to stop. This thing is a kind of madness, and there is no logic to be found in it. It is driven purely be fears and emotions, selfishness and pain.

I agree completely. This was reinforced for me yesterday because most of what she was saying and the justifications she was giving for her actions were just that, madness.

If I could cut the ties right now I would do it in a heartbeat. You can do it, for yourself. You should do it for yourself.  I shall happily be your personal cheerleader on the matter and look forward to following in your footsteps the moment my chance comes.

Thanks BlueSunshine!    I reiterated me no contact boundary with her yesterday so hopefully she'll respect it. I'll keep my fingers crossed that you can get away soon too.