Every year , just before Thanksgiving ...

[marlyk]

Every year, my  BPD daughter-in -law arranges contact from both her and my son to tell me something that will upset me enough that I don't come to their Thanksgiving .  (It has been a tradition since he was in college, that his father and  I - who are long-divorced and get along well) have Thanksgiving with him. I am only allowed to see my grandchildren a few times per year despite being less that 30 minutes away from them. I have been told that I " don't respect boundaries and am manipulative " because I have asked to see my grandchildren for their birthdays and an occasional holiday . I am told I am acting " entitled " and "need to know my place " by my daughter-in- law . ( where is that ? Siberia ? )

I confronted my son a few weeks ago via email,  to which he doesn't respond - that it is ridiculous to have no contact for months  at a time, then be expected to show up , act like all is fine , and then be blamed that there is tension whenever I come, despite my doing all I can to act like nothing is wrong. He " shot the messenger" ( me )  and actually said HE was " sick of dealing with this every year (?) and then told me I was no longer welcome at Thanksgiving.

So, I am right there with you all. I have been fortunate to have friends who have become " extended family" , with whom I spend stress-free holidays . I don't miss my grandchildren any less, but I try to keep my life active and grateful.

[funfunctional]

Hi Maryl,

So hard to hear this is happening to you and you identify the illness.  You get it!   Like you said doesn't fix it but you get it.    What exactly is it that BPd DIL tells you that upsets you enough to now go?   It sounds like she is picking a fight with you with that desired result in mind?    

I suspect you are getting nailed in your responses.   I swear BPD people they "set you up" and see if you take the bite.     The bite is almost unavoidable as anything you say can and will be used against you to justify the BPD person's argument of "how maniuplative and bounderless you are".   AND, sometimes even if you don't say a darn thing they will just make stuff up!  WOW

I am so happy you have that extended family.  How sad the grandchildren are kept away from you.

Geesh.    I wish I could say more.    What do you think you will do and how will you respond next?   No response?  IDK

?  

[Kwamina]

Hi Marlyk

Welcome to our online community  BPD is a difficult disorder, many of our members know how hard it can be dealing with someone who has BPD. The situation you describe with your son and daughter-in-law sounds quite frustrating. I understand how hard it must be for you not being able to see your grandchildren more often. How old are your grandchildren and do you think they are aware of what's going on here and that you are being prevented from seeing them more often?

You state that your daughter-in-law has BPD but it's also clear that you're struggling with your son's behavior. How long has your son been married to her and how was your relationship with him before he got married? Did his wife always behave like this or can you identify a specific turning point in her behavior?