Cheaters versus Abusers

[Forestaken]

I've noticed over the years (sadly years) that failed r/s with BPDs end because of basically two categories:

- Cheating

- Abuse: all forms

My r/s ended because of abuse(physical, emotional, financial), and sometimes, I have to admit, I find it hard to relate to those who were cheated on.  Is abuse victims easier to heal?  Or be more pleased with the change?  Comments Please

[enlighten me]

Mine both abused me and cheated on me so I gkt the best of both worlds

[Deeno02]

I fortunately didnt have the added stress of her cheating, mine was verbal, mental and emotional abuse. Add the cheating layer of the onion and I dont think I would be even still walking the earth. I dont think healing from this is any easier, regardless of the reason. Its what you invested your heart into that makes this hard. Some recover faster, some never do. Im only about 3months in and Im getting better. I dont care what she does or whom its done with. I'll save that guy a spot on the forum... .

[sirius]

Mine was both, cheating and abuse, 13 years. I attempted suicide, now 8 months out. Still hurting but much lesser. I have been stuck to this board daily, read and read and read. It gets better, I promise.

I don't think it makes it easier weather it was both or just only one. I guess the most painful thing is the abuse, normal people cheat too. Cheating can be forgiven but abuse and the push and pull is the one doing the most damage

[DangIthurts]

I don't think it makes it easier weather it was both or just only one. I guess the most painful thing is the abuse, normal people cheat too. Cheating can be forgiven but abuse and the push and pull is the one doing the most damage

I agree neither of these things is "worse", its the fact that for the most part the people on this site, got into a relationship with someone who was emotionally traumatized and tried to do the best they could to support, love and care for someone that was on a different planet. And in-turn got beat on in any number of ways until they were dropped or hurt so bad they had to leave.

Mine was on a dating site, not sure to what extent but that was in my op, cheating... .And I was beat on emotionally just trying to communicate and spend time with mine ( I mean literally I asked everyday in August and was denied). I hadn't been to church in over a decade she and her family got me to enjoy that each Sunday. I'm not sure what I miss but she when at least not giving me silent treatment or pushing me away filled some kind of void. And now here I sit wondering if I'll have a recycle after her new "perfect" bf leaves or if he'll make it longer than I did.

I'm sure we've all made mistakes in our relationships I know I have, but I highly doubt anyone here did something so awful as to meet the wrath most of these BPD's are capable of.

[parisian]

Forestaken, I think cheating is a form of abuse.

Certainly it is an abuse of trust.

Therefore, all BPD relationships ultimately end through some form of abuse - emotional, physical, financial, verbal, abuse of trust. It's all abusive.

Mine verbally and emotionally abused me. When conversations came up about infidelity, she would say 'I would never do that'.

I now suspect otherwise unfortunately. I think in her drunken nights out with friends, there were several occasions where she may have put herself into a compromising situation. Perhaps not physically, but I am highly suspicious about some form of 'emotional' cheating. I once heard her getting out of a car late after a night out, and she clearly said to whoever was driving 'I'm not going to give you my number'. When I asked who dropped her off, she blew me off. There were several other times  where my gut said something was not quite right, but as was always the case, there was no opportunity to have a reasonable, mature, adult conversation about it - she would get defensive or dismiss or deflect.

[clydegriffith]

In my case i was blatantly cheated on and physically/emotionally abused.

I pretty much became a human doormat to avoid setting her off. I think a BPD woman ends up turning anyone who stays in any sort of relationship with them into just that.

[seeking balance]

  Is abuse victims easier to heal? 

At the end of the day: pain is pain and grief is grief.

Some forms of abuse (cheating is abuse) show up as different traumas or "issues" for nons - but the healing platform is the same.

Healing platform to the right - 5 stages of detachment work for everyone - the degree of which healing occurs has a lot to do with a nons "baggage" and emotional makeup.

Best,

SB

[Bak86]

I have no idea why my r/s ended. There was no cheating and no abuse.

I've heard multiple reasons on multiple occasions from multiple people:

- Scared to have sex with me(i was pressuring her, which is not true at all), which caused a lot of stress for her.

- I wasn't the one

- I wasn't dominant enough

- I didn't have enough sex appeal and wouldn't be able to provide her in her sexual needs(contradicting the first reason a bit LOL)

- It just didn't work out

- I was meh/boring

All lies... .i know better

[Pingo]

From all the threads I've read over the past several months, the people who were cheated on were also abused, at least emotionally.  And when there is this kind of intense r/s and abuse, there is a trauma bond which we have to detach from so the withdrawal and grief is the same, I would imagine.  Mine didn't cheat that I know of but who knows, I've found out he's a pathological liar so anything is possible!

[DangIthurts]

I wish mine had left after I found out about the dating site, my stomach was empty and I was emotionally detaching fine. But she stepped it up to honeymoon phase like levels and within a month I was back in.

[sotiredtoonice]

Mine was always the various forms of abuse, minus the physical. I always said if he cheated on me I would be done. I now know of at least 5 women in the past year, and while he only admits to "seeing" one, no sex, I am not dumb, but I cannot prove any of it... .sadly the cheating did not break the camels back so to speak, I am still married. I guess one day I will reach my limit and actually be done. Hopefully soon! 

[DangIthurts]

Mine was always the various forms of abuse, minus the physical. I always said if he cheated on me I would be done. I now know of at least 5 women in the past year, and while he only admits to "seeing" one, no sex, I am not dumb, but I cannot prove any of it... .sadly the cheating did not break the camels back so to speak, I am still married. I guess one day I will reach my limit and actually be done. Hopefully soon! 

Yeah mine was never physical... .I think we just fall into patterns and he's the devil you know, you know?

Even mine... .As bad as it was (AND IT WAS) now your like whats next, whose next, could it be even worse?

[fred6]

After reflecting back on the relationship, there was abuse and neglect of my needs. But it was kind of camouflaged and I didn't really see it. I had a gut feeling that things were "off" and there were red flags that I ignored. However, when I caught her cheating on me, that's when the full on "in your face" abuse started. That was the hardest thing that I've ever endured in my life.

A "feeling" something is wrong--> Cheated on--> Broken up with--> Kicked out--> Treated like total trash until moved out-->Haven't been talked to since moved out.

It just got worse and worse. For me it was more like a snowball effect.

[DangIthurts]

After reflecting back on the relationship, there was abuse and neglect of my needs. But it was kind of camouflaged and I didn't really see it. I had a gut feeling that things were "off" and there were red flags that I ignored. However, when I caught her cheating on me, that's when the full on "in your face" abuse started. That was the hardest thing that I've ever endured in my life.

A "feeling" something is wrong--> Cheated on--> Broken up with--> Kicked out--> Treated like total trash until moved out-->Haven't been talked to since moved out.

It just got worse and worse. For me it was more like a snowball effect.

Yeah mine would make excuses like if i went a week without seeing her it was any number of reasons, and her anger when approached why I can't even come take you to dinner... Was met with well if i didn't want to be in a relationship with you I wouldnt' talk to you. kind of like be grateful for what you're getting even if its without any contact, and withholding love you or babe or anything.

[going places]

Both

The cheating (for me) is easier to get past.

The abuse was over a 25 year period, and it was insidious, and on the very down low... .it never left a visible mark.

The abuse is much much harder to 'undo' and forgive.

[CareTaker]

In my case i was blatantly cheated on and physically/emotionally abused.

Yip me too. I got the best of both worlds. And the blatant lies. Yet did her scripture and prayer thing every morning. For what ?

I think we must all just keep in mind that we not the ones with a disorder. Our ex's would truly believe there is something wrong with us. And stories people have told me, I can just imagine what she is telling the replacement, and how he just saved her in time.

But as someone said: We reserve a place here for the replacement. Sooner or later he will be here. 

So yes, you need some good recovery time, and possibly even therapy if you still having withdrawal symptoms after 3 months.

Accept we dealt with someone who not only has a disorder, but is very dangerous.

I remember about 2 years ago I asked someone if they think my ex has a strange way of doing things, or maybe just a different personality. This person just said, she isn't quite normal, but best is work it out for yourself. Like they where trying to hide something from me.

Cheaters or abusers or both, you don't deserve this and just run and never look back. The degree of abuse only increases over time, especially if you start detaching.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

I concur: cheating is a combination of emotional and physical abuse.

Especially when your partner lies, manipulates, deflects and just plain old doesn't care about the consequences caused by such actions.

When your partner secretly carries on with 5, 6 or 7 guys while she is claiming to be "truly yours, and yours alone", all the while, well, that is nearly impossible to recover from without some type of damage.

i was also in a relationship with a girl who I now would say has several BPD traits.  Her specialty was constant complaining, criticizing and belittling me unmercifully.  When I'd threaten to leave, she'd cry and apologize, blaming her childhood, her parents, etc.

Both cheating and abuse are the same when inflicted on myself.

[vortex of confusion]

It all stinks. What makes it all stink is the fact that whether a cheater, an abuser, or both the other person is not willing or able to work on it or make any sort of changes. The people that have chosen to stay seem to be those that have partners that at least try to acknowledge what they did and make an effort to work at it. At one point, I could have planned to stay for the long haul but that would have required him making some sort of visible effort (not just talking about it) to work with me instead of against me. What hurts the most for me is knowing that I have invested so much time and energy into this person and the relationship but the other person does not reciprocate and acts like I am the monster for wanting to address the issues be they abuse, cheating,  lack of trust, or something else. It feels like I am not worth his time even though I have tried to show him over and over again that I thought he was worth it and so was our relationship. It leaves me feeling worthless and angry and kicked to the curb.

[Deeno02]

It all stinks. What makes it all stink is the fact that whether a cheater, an abuser, or both the other person is not willing or able to work on it or make any sort of changes. The people that have chosen to stay seem to be those that have partners that at least try to acknowledge what they did and make an effort to work at it. At one point, I could have planned to stay for the long haul but that would have required him making some sort of visible effort (not just talking about it) to work with me instead of against me. What hurts the most for me is knowing that I have invested so much time and energy into this person and the relationship but the other person does not reciprocate and acts like I am the monster for wanting to address the issues be they abuse, cheating,  lack of trust, or something else. It feels like I am not worth his time even though I have tried to show him over and over again that I thought he was worth it and so was our relationship. It leaves me feeling worthless and angry and kicked to the curb.

Because we have been VOC. Plain and simple and Im sorry for that. But, she's not my damn problem anymore... .

[peiper]

Cheating is without a doubt abuse. I'm glad I found out about it or I'd probably still be taking the verbal, emotional and mental abuse, hoping it would go back to the happy times.