Need help with a decision she made few days ago to leave her be and no contact

[guy4caligirl]

After 4 months B/U 5 years R/S  , I finally had it with her games , she loves me , thank god for me when she wants money from me , gave her a couple of bucks when she needed it  and she has a replacement ask him don't ask me anymore  no money for you period .

5 days ago I wanted to be honest with her and said, I am now talking to a girl (true )she is a model witch's true also she would be great for me and the job you lost with as a fashion clothing buyer and I am not rushing at all just in case any change  in her situation . (first time serious break up in 5 years) she sounded bothered by the model but she is also one .and very good in fashion .God's is big he knows what's he's doing .

The question is after that said she got raged and she asked what do you want my blessing ?

No ,,all I want her to know that I am over her and will continue my life .

Before I said all that she was raging about something else early in the conversation ,like leave be don't email don't text me I am changing my number you won't be able to reach you manipulate me... .Me?

Here is the question the 21 of this month her phone due and i thought she did so i stopped i had a friend call her and got to her voice mail and no she did not change the number , A Big Why ?

Does anyone know Why ?

[Artisan]

When you are over somebody ... .you don't think about telling them that you are over them.

Over them means ... .ya moved on. Not talking to them. Nothing. They aren't even a glimmer of imagination within the mind.

Its my opinion you were trying to hurt her, or seeking some kind of validation and approval / recognition / indication that she cares about you by triggering jealousy.

To me, it appears that you said ... ."Hey, I have this person over here, do you want me or not b/c if you don't I am moving on."

Is that what you are intending ?

[guy4caligirl]

of course !

[guy4caligirl]

What if she gets jealous, it's not my problem at all, I got hurt bad did she care ? No

All my objective knowing that she has a bf so wanted to see before I make this huge move to invest in another relationship  Just checking  her pulse but she made it clear go ahead .

That's we nons do anyways .

[fred6]

When you are over somebody ... .you don't think about telling them that you are over them.

Over them means ... .ya moved on. Not talking to them. Nothing. They aren't even a glimmer of imagination within the mind.

Its my opinion you were trying to hurt her, or seeking some kind of validation and approval / recognition / indication that she cares about you by triggering jealousy.

To me, it appears that you said ... ."Hey, I have this person over here, do you want me or not b/c if you don't I am moving on."

Is that what you are intending ?

Artisan is correct here. It's fine if you're not over her, just be honest with yourself about it. And to expand upon this thought. If you really want to bother her, go total NC and never talk to her again. I know that will be hard as hell to do, but that will bother her more than anything you could ever tell her. Remember, curiosity killed the cat!

[Artisan]

So you need her permission to go into another relationship?

I'm well aware that I am being a jerk saying this ... .yet to me your approach seems full of manipulation and is exceptionally unhealthy.

You are still into her ... .and want to get involved with somebody else ?

To hurt your ex ?

Exactly how loving and thoughtful is that for the woman you are with ?

You are going to use her like an object so you can get revenge on somebody else ?

I'm angry with you just contemplating the idea ; that's a really crappy thing to do to anybody

AND YOU KNOW BETTER ESPECIALLY AFTER WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH WITH YOUR BPDx.

... .

PS, I am modifying this message to emphasis that I think using somebody, especially sexually, to get even with somebody else is one of the lowest things anybody can do to another human being. Despicable is a word that comes to mind. Disgusting is another. Wicked a third. Evil a fourth. Vampiric a fifth ... .and I can keep going.

It's like you are only thinking about yourself and have zero regard for the humanity of the woman you want to use as a weapon. Gah.

[guy4caligirl]

you got it all wrong !Artisan

[Artisan]

I had a crazy ex that used to say things like that.

Learned how to value my perspective, and am going to stand by my expression.

Using somebody sexually to hurt somebody else is despicable. It is manipulation. It is selfish. Those are truths buddy.

Face it or not, if you go down that path you will have alot more pain and confusion to deal with than what you are facing right now.

[guy4caligirl]

I did not use anyone sexually since 5 years my BPD ex was the only one slow down a little please I said read aga I am talking to a girl .

[BrokenFamily]

I agree the only reason you'd mention seeing someone new was a manipulation tactic. I can assure you that isn't going to get you the results you desire. pwBPD are walking a tight rope of emotions for you to push them is provoking and will only be taken as an attack.

Do you want to hurt her?

What is your objective?

Do you need closure?

Do you want her back?

[fred6]

I know that sometimes a members post can be triggering to us. However, I think that sometimes that we may misunderstand what is being asked or said. I'm not sure where guy4caligirl is from, but the way he types, sometimes I have trouble understanding what he is trying to convey. We have to remember that we have people here from all over the world and there may be a communication barrier to some extent. Just remember, we have all been through a lot and we are here to help each other  

[guy4caligirl]

I am not doing anything in those manners , I only wanted to make sure because we have been In a constant contact some day she says she has some other days she says I don't have anyone in my life so either she is confused and I became confused finding  someone long distance is not easy and it takes time to meet and everything else .

I just wanted to make sure that she is firm with her decision and wanted to move along that is  it if let's say she says soon I am wanting to come back to and I already started something me and her will loose I promised her treatments .

[guy4caligirl]

I know that sometimes a members post can be triggering to us. However, I think that sometimes that we may misunderstand what is being asked or said. I'm not sure where guy4caligirl is from, but the way he types sometimes, I have trouble understanding what he is trying to convey. We have to remember that we have people here from all over the world and there may be a communication barrier to some extent. Just remember, we have all been through a lot and we are here to help each other 

Thank you FRED that is exactly it .

[fred6]

I am not doing anything in those manners , I only wanted to make sure because we have been I a constant contact some day she says she has some other days she says I don't have anyone in my life so either she is confused and became confused fining  someone long distance is not easy and it takes time to meet and everything else .

I just wanted to make sure that she is firm with her decision and wanted to move along that is it

If your actual question is why she didn't change her number. I don't really think that there is an answer why she didn't change her number? You'll drive yourself nutty trying to figure out why she does the things that she does. I know that I find myself trying to figure out "why" sometimes, but I have to catch myself and reframe my thoughts. I think the bigger question that you should ask yourself is: In the long run, does it matter why she didn't change her number? Just something to think about.

[777Alex777]

I follow you, my exBPDw constantly throws guys in my face, and I did my best to hide the fact that I was starting to see someone else, because she does not handle jealously well, and I did not want her "wanting me back" out of jealousy.

They say one thing, and do another all the time, mine says she is changing her number every time she calls me. they change their mind as often as the wind changes direction. and for reasons that make no sense. I always used to tell my ex, when she would loose it about something, just give yourself 5-10 minutes you'll change your mind - again.

One day they make it clear they have moved on, and have a replacement for you, the next day they want you back. and some of that might be real, in the moment, I think they often feel what they are saying they are feeling, but their hold on emotional stability is nowhere to be found.

I had to just move on. I don't want to move on, I still feel love for her. I still miss her, but my life is hollow, broken and shattered and spread across the country now because of her and her crazy making. She is not good for me. I am great for her because I meet her needs, but I ran out of steam. Even superheros bleed.

my advice is, don't mention other women to her. It will not create what you want it to. it will not serve any proper purpose, it might hurt her a little, but she will use the information in ways you are not likely to foresee or understand.

[BrokenFamily]

guy4caligirl,

It seems like you are trying to seek closure or perhaps get an answer is she or isn't she coming back. I understand where you are coming from, it's confusing and very difficult (if not impossible) to understand. I know I'm sure many of us are thinking and feeling the same.

I just don't think the way you are going about it is the most tactful and could get undesirable results. Keep in mind a big part of the disorder is a fear of abandonment, if she feels she's being replaced, forced into a decision or manipulated in any way she is going to rage as she isn't in control of her emotions.

I tried every angle to get a firm decision, closure or even develop a friendship with my ex and the unfortunate result is I ended up pushing her further away in the process.

If I knew now a few days after the breakup I'm sure I could have salvaged our relationship but as they say hind site is always 20/20. We can't struggle with thinking "what if" all we can do is take good emotional care of ourselves and respect the feelings and emotions of our ex's

[Skip]

I agree the only reason you'd mention seeing someone new was a manipulation tactic. I can assure you that isn't going to get you the results you desire. pwBPD are walking a tight rope of emotions for you to push them is provoking and will only be taken as an attack.

Do you want to hurt her?

What is your objective?

Do you need closure?

Do you want her back?

I am not doing anything in those manners , I only wanted to make sure because we have been In a constant contact some day she says she has some other days she says I don't have anyone in my life so either she is confused and I became confused finding  someone long distance is not easy and it takes time to meet and everything else .

I just wanted to make sure that she is firm with her decision and wanted to move along that is  it if let's say she says soon I am wanting to come back to and I already started something me and her will loose I promised her treatments .

guy4caligirl, you have tried to provoke her to respond before.  It's not a healthy or effective tactic - we are not very attractive when we do this and it really makes matters worse.

If you want to get off the roller coaster - detach from her.  Extricating yourself from the day to day drama will help you see more clearly.

If you want to rekindle - detach from her.  It is the most attractive thing to do.  The other guy is in first place and she is going to lay that out.  The longer you provide her a sure thing backup, the less risk she has, the easier it will be to continue.

See that?

While your detaching, it will help to inventory where you are.

___ Do you want a three way relationship where she works two men at the same time?

___ Do you want a three way relationship where she uses you to help attract the other guy?

___ How long will you wait?

___ Do you have another serious partner option?

___ Are you willing to blow off this other girl while you wait?

___ What is your ex's complaint about you?  Have you changed?

___ What is your complaint about her?  Has she changed?

___ If she does come back in 2 months, have you learned about BPD and learned better relationship skills or just a lot of bashing.

[BrokenFamily]

As always excellent response Skip!

guy4caligirl, keep two things in mind:

1. Fear of abandonment is paramount to the disorder. If you have daily contact (You haven't abandoned her) in her mind she still has you on a string and can pull it at anytime. She has the option to recycle you, use you or even just play with you like a cat with a mouse as "she" needs. This creates an unhealthy cycle for you that will only leave you hurting and full of questions.

2. pwBPD are master manipulators, they have years of practice and it's almost impossible to beat them at their own games. If you tell her you are going no contact she will see threw another manipulation attempt and know in the back of her mind she still has you because you are still trying to control a situation that I can assure you is out of your control. It's even out of her control!

Really take into consideration what Skip said. If you truly want someone so damaged back in your life you can't go about it like a bull in a china shop. Learn about the disorder so you can better understand her needs if you do have the opportunity to get back together and maybe even if you run into another pwBPD because they are quite common in the fashion industry. Do not learn about the disorder in an attempt to manipulate or control her because despite pwBPD sharing the same symptoms and behaviors they are all individuals who are very difficult to predict.

[guy4caligirl]

Thank you Skip as always, and Broking family Frde6 and artisan !