Starting to see red flags.

[ikkaro81]

First of all, nice to meet you all, and I'm glad to have found this message board.

The reason why I'm here, is because I've been dating a 32 year old woman for 5 months now (I'm 33) and she is showing signs of what I suspect to be traits of BPD disorder (I'm not entirely sure, I just see a few warning signs for now)

My girlfriend grew up in a violent home with an alcoholic father, and has expressed to me that she has major abandonment issues, and fear of disappointing men. She pressures me to discuss marriage and children since the first month. She has no long term friends that she keeps in contact with, except for her family (with whom she fights a lot) and a few long distance ones. She's usually sweet and very lovely, but her mother has told me that she is also a very angry person, and I started to notice that during some of our conversations.

Overall, we have a fun and loving relationship (as they usually are during the honeymoon phase) However, last week I made a simple request not to be included in a certain family gathering I'm not comfortable with, and she exploded on me.

In her mind, she kept repeating that I didn't wanna spend time with her anymore, when I had already expressed that this was not the case, and that she was my priority, and my request had nothing to do with her. She brought up a problem we had in the first months of the relationship (I had my ex wife on my Facebook friends, and deleted her because of my current gf's angry request) yet, she brought it up again and implied I still have feelings towards my ex wife even though I've already expressed I haven't even talked to her in almost 3 years. Anyway, she also gets angry and resents me for hanging with my friends on a guy's night out, claiming I should be spending more time with her instead (we're already together for 3 days of the week- we live 40 minutes away and I go to work and study)

She basically put me in the spot of being a terrible boyfriend, found faults in several wrong things in my personality, and seemed very unhappy and always demanding more, as if she had some sort of void that couldn't be filled. I broke up with her, and she called me immediately back on her normal sweet self, apologized for the psychological abuse as she claimed it herself, and we are still together.

I know that these problems are small compared to most of you who have lived in this situation for long, but I'd like to know what should I do, should I be concerned? Does it seem like someone with BPD? Should I try to talk to her about it? Get her some help? I love her a lot, but I'm not sure the right steps to take to try to help her. If the relationship becomes toxic, I will walk away from it, but I decided to give it a chance and see if I can try to work things out, since she's willing to it. I'd be happy to hear some similar experiences, and any sort of help is appreciated, even though I know this is just the honey moon phase of the relationship.

Thanks!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

 

All the hallmarks are certainly there.

Is everyone in her past painted in the worst light? Endless history of dramas and claims of being treated badly?

You can't get her help she will need to want it enough to do it.

Is she open to the idea that that she may have issues? Does she want to pursue where all these thoughts may come from?

Things will get worse, there is no quick fix.

Do not allow yourself to be seduced into the role of rescuer and the only one who "understands" her.

The best way to help her is to protect yourself so that you can't be molded in an attempt to fulfill a need you cant fulfill.

[RoseB]

I had a very similar experience. We were together for 4 months before I broke up with her. Then during the 3 weeks we were broken up for she was very nice to me and said she regretted everything she had done to me, how she had treated me - she owned up to everything and said she wished we could try again. So I asked her if we could get back together and try to improve things. We made a long list of everything that went wrong the time before, and I made it clear what I would not tolerate from her. This included verbal abuse, suicidal threats, manipulation and hostility. We have been back together for nearly two months and I have slowly but surely seen the same old issues creep back into her behaviour. Unfortunately I don't think that this is something they are able to change just because they want to. It goes deeper than that. However, it is better than the last time because I have made her aware of what I will not tolerate and why I left her the first time. We still work on the issues, and although it is very rocky things aren't as bad. However my gf is aware and accepting of the fact she has BPD, which helps a LOT. I feel for you.

[ikkaro81]

All the hallmarks are certainly there.

Is everyone in her past painted in the worst light? Endless history of dramas and claims of being treated badly?

You can't get her help she will need to want it enough to do it.

Is she open to the idea that that she may have issues? Does she want to pursue where all these thoughts may come from?

Things will get worse, there is no quick fix.

Do not allow yourself to be seduced into the role of rescuer and the only one who "understands" her.

The best way to help her is to protect yourself so that you can't be molded in an attempt to fulfill a need you cant fulfill.

Thank you for your reply, waverider. This whole thing is very new to me, and every support is appreciated!

To answer some of your questions: she never really mentions past relationships, she claims her last one was many years ago, and remained single ever since as a "loner" She does say her close relatives treat her badly constantly though. She seems to come from a very dysfunctional home.

She knows that she has issues, and after I broke up with her she admitted to being that way with her family, but she saw that when it comes to family, they'll always be there for her the next day, whereas me, she might just end up losing. I told her she needed help, and she contemplated the idea of going to therapy, but knowing her, I doubt she will unless I really insist.

Thanks for the last part on not letting myself being seduced into the savior role. I needed to hear that, since I know that's how many people end up trapped in abusive relationships.

[ikkaro81]

I had a very similar experience. We were together for 4 months before I broke up with her. Then during the 3 weeks we were broken up for she was very nice to me and said she regretted everything she had done to me, how she had treated me - she owned up to everything and said she wished we could try again. So I asked her if we could get back together and try to improve things. We made a long list of everything that went wrong the time before, and I made it clear what I would not tolerate from her. This included verbal abuse, suicidal threats, manipulation and hostility. We have been back together for nearly two months and I have slowly but surely seen the same old issues creep back into her behaviour. Unfortunately I don't think that this is something they are able to change just because they want to. It goes deeper than that. However, it is better than the last time because I have made her aware of what I will not tolerate and why I left her the first time. We still work on the issues, and although it is very rocky things aren't as bad. However my gf is aware and accepting of the fact she has BPD, which helps a LOT. I feel for you.

Thank you, Rose. The scary part is that this is only the beginning of the relationship. I'm dreading what would it be like in the long run, because in all these cases I've been reading, such behaviors usually get worse.  I'm glad to see some positive stories, and that things are working for you though. Best of luck!

[FrenchConnection]

I saw all the red flags that you just described in the original post.  Jealousy over an ex-wife that was in reality a non-issue.  Jealousy over any woman that just talked to me.  Valuing me then devaluing me in quick turnaround moments.  Fear of abandonment - always.  Then her rages against me that came truly out of no where.  After her 3rd rage i stepped away from the relationship.  Then i discovered she most likely has BPD.  I won't go back now because i realized i can do nothing for her to help her. 

She has to do it for herself.  And she does not want that.

So watch your red flags.  Follow your intuition.  Mine told me several times during the relationship that it just wasn't right. 

[ikkaro81]

I saw all the red flags that you just described in the original post.  Jealousy over an ex-wife that was in reality a non-issue.  Jealousy over any woman that just talked to me.  Valuing me then devaluing me in quick turnaround moments.  Fear of abandonment - always.  Then her rages against me that came truly out of no where.  After her 3rd rage i stepped away from the relationship.  Then i discovered she most likely has BPD.  I won't go back now because i realized i can do nothing for her to help her.  

She has to do it for herself.  And she does not want that.

So watch your red flags.  Follow your intuition.  Mine told me several times during the relationship that it just wasn't right.  

I agree - always trust your gut feeling. I always sensed something was wrong, but didn't know what exactly, until this last fight where I decided to do a bit of research on my own to find out it's a possible BPD case.

During this last argument, she also told me I say a lot of dumb s***, and because of that she should get mad at me a lot more often than she does. She asked me if I wanted to hear a list of all the dumb s*** I say and do, I said sure, and that's when she told me she thinks I still have feelings towards my ex wife, and implied I will still have something to do with her, only because I had her on my Facebook friends list (we don't keep in touch, but we stayed on good terms. So that alone tells you.


Ps: the ex wife on Facebook problem happened about 3 months ago, she also exploded on me and demanded that I deleted her. I refused at first since to me it was not an issue, but I gave in and told her I'd delete my ex wife for her and the sake of the relationship since it was bothering her, and now she brings it back again with all these unfounded accusations.

[FrenchConnection]

Mine made me delete 2 women off my Facebook account just because they looked more sexy than her.  Never mind the fact that i never see those two women because we live way to far away.  Never mind the fact that i don't even have any correspondence with them.  Never mind the fact that i knew those two women way before i knew my BPD girlfriend.  She would not listen to any of that.  Then she threatened that if i did not delete them she would go add some "hot looking guys" on her account so i could feel what she was feeling.

Had i understood her at the time and known she had BPD i could have tried to deal with all of it differently.  I ended the relationship then discovered that she most likely has the disorder.   

[ikkaro81]

Mine made me delete 2 women off my Facebook account just because they looked more sexy than her.  Never mind the fact that i never see those two women because we live way to far away.  Never mind the fact that i don't even have any correspondence with them.  Never mind the fact that i knew those two women way before i knew my BPD girlfriend.  She would not listen to any of that.  Then she threatened that if i did not delete them she would go add some "hot looking guys" on her account so i could feel what she was feeling.

Had i understood her at the time and known she had BPD i could have tried to deal with all of it differently.  I ended the relationship then discovered that she most likely has the disorder.   

I seriously don't think that emotionally healthy people have the patience to stay in these type of relationships for too long. I respect everyone who decides to stay and live through it for whatever reason, but after reading some experiences, it just seems like a lifetime of emotional roller coaster, unnecessary drama, walking on eggshells and the ultimate unhappiness, among many other things. In my case, the relationship is still good for the most part, so I'll keep an eye on possible toxic signs and when/if they come back again, I'll have to reevaluate if staying in this relationship is really the most healthy option. If there's one thing you can't put a price on, that thing is definitely peace of mind.

[FrenchConnection]

If i had known in the beginning about her BPD, or if she had come out and told me about it herself during the relationship, then i think i would have been more open to sticking around and trying to make it work as best as possible.

I think knowledge is the key here.  Knowing what they feel and think and why they are feeling/thinking that way can help us know how to better deal with us and them.  It's still a toss up in my opinion if you stay.  Because you can't rationalize with them and i discovered i just could not take the abuse (even if i understand it isn't about me).  But i applaud you and wish you courage and strength. 

[ikkaro81]

If i had known in the beginning about her BPD, or if she had come out and told me about it herself during the relationship, then i think i would have been more open to sticking around and trying to make it work as best as possible.

I think knowledge is the key here.  Knowing what they feel and think and why they are feeling/thinking that way can help us know how to better deal with us and them.  It's still a toss up in my opinion if you stay.  Because you can't rationalize with them and i discovered i just could not take the abuse (even if i understand it isn't about me).  But i applaud you and wish you courage and strength. 

I know what you mean, sorry you didn't have the knowledge to deal with it at the time, because it sounds like you had the best of intentions, and this is exactly why I'm staying too. Have to try and understand and live the experience, before discarding it. No relationship is easy, and it's even harder with someone with BPD, but you have to try, and give it a chance to know for sure.

[waverider]

Trying to work it through and repairing the RS is the best way to prepare for the aftermath if it fails. All the what ifs will have been answered.

The coping boards are full of angry people who left damaged and are trying to work it out in hindsight when its all theory thats too late to test.