My story is a bit long but worth reading ... .especially if you have ever been a domestic violence victim!
I met my ex on a dating website back in January. I had been doing it for a one year and half on and off and had met many great people that I had even stayed friends with but no one really I considered being in a long term relationship with.Right when I was ready to give up on online dating after a few messages back and worth I agreed to meet up with him and even from the first date there were many red flags but I decided to ignore them considering I just thought of him as someone to hang out with and not long-term.
He insisted for me to go back to his place the same night and pretty much begged for me to sleep over that night as well and even though I hadn't done much of that I agreed thinking to be spontaneous and saw it as a fun night to have and never look back.(I didn't know then but later found out it seemed like a very common thing for him to do and that most girls he had ever been with were either drunk girls he had picked up at clubs or foreigners that had used him for his couch/apartment )
So the relationship began :
He started sharing some of the issues he had with me early on which I found attractive cause I thought he is someone that is being honest and upfront with me. Honesty is one of my biggest turn-ons no matter how big your problem is as long as there is honesty I will work with you .(I shared a lot of things with him which later proved he only used them as weapons to hurt me)
It turned out he had mental issues like depression,anxiety, a lot of physical problems. Some issues he didn't share which unfortunately I came to find out later on my own which he is still in denial of until this day. All seemed like things I could manage. It seemed like he was functioning a day to day life so what could the big deal be ? and he is already going to therapy three times a week to get help so how hard can it be ?
Well REALLY HARD! Dealing with and being in a relationship with someone with mental problems is NOT easy as I came to find out as many of you might know.
It seemed like the mental and physical problems were never ending and the only coping way for him was alcohol,smoking or his many many prescription pills he had the take "in order to get through the day" and "Sleep through the night" He always had to be "medicated" somehow to live through the day. I couldn't imagine being in his shoes and felt so bad and wanted more than anything to help him live a healthy life but he wanted none of that.I didn't want the person I "thought" I was in love with to be in pain.
His days would start with in "sad" and "painful" environment and end with "Alcohol".LOTS of it.But now it wasn't just his life I was in it as well. Our day would start late with a very dark, literally and figuratively, place for hours. No matter how hard I would try to save the day it seemed impossible and quite exhausting. Normal activities were out of question.Grocery shopping, going to the park, movies,shopping ….Anything that did not involve heavy drinking was out of question. He was always "too anxious" or "in too much in pain" to do anything normal. There was always an excuse. It became so exhausting that after a weekend living in his miserable world I needed to come home and rest a full day just to get back to being a normal happy person again and then I had to go through it all over again the next week. It was his world and I was living in it and I didn't mind if it was a happy one but it wasn't. It was very dark and it was only going to get worse.
At the beginning he seemed like a decent person and a "take-charge" person , a "planner" which I liked but slowly the "take-charge" person became just controlling and manipulative. Going anywhere at anytime that was not to his choice was impossible. If anything he didn't like we didn't do we had a problem and for me to avoid any arguments I agreed to go or do whatever activity he wanted .His idea of fun however was drinking and not just a few beers here and there but heavy drinking. At the beginning I didn't think much of it ,considering I had never been around any alcoholics before, but I realized having 40+ on the weekends and 20+ in the week is not just having "fun" but alcohol dependence.
The control started small and then escalated to him saying"You can't talk to strangers" , "You can't go out without me " or "you can't go on any trips because it would hurt our relationship". I felt like I had to agree otherwise it would be another ruined day or night. The control even was in our sex-life. At first I thought he is just used to telling girls what to do for him cause he must have slept with many younger inexperienced women and was used to being pleased vs pleasing but as my Therapist would later say that it was just another way of him being in control since he had no control of his other aspects of life. Our sex life was bad due to many reasons, well his small size I really didn't blame him for since it was out of his control, but his controlling behavior would ruin everything. It was his way or pretty much no other way. As long as he was pleased it was all good. It was in the format of an order of what I need to do for him and 90% of the time his pleasure not mine.I tried to compensating and suggesting new ideas but it never mattered. I tried to save it many times but there was no hope. It seemed like he was so used to having the control that there was no satisfaction any other way especially considering the majority of women he had sex with were only one-night stands so pleasing a women didn't matter.
He couldn't stand the idea of not being in control of any aspect of his life. To the point when I stated that it isn't common to be in constant contact with girls you've had sex with before when you're in a relationship,instead of him realizing it's time to be mature and cut ties with other girls he's slept with and focus on one girl he is in a relationship, to him it seemed like I was controlling him ,being jealous but that was another sign of his immaturity which let to many fights. Something many of my family and friends pointed out as soon as the met him,his immaturity. Many of them said "you could do way better in all aspects " But I decided to ignore.I loved him. It was as if he preferred to live as a college boy or a 17 year old rather than grow-up but again not his fault but mine choosing to be with a younger immature man.
His way of staying in control was arguing and lying. The lies were so easy to catch considering when he was drunk he would say the truth or that he would slip somewhere or another but as my Therapist says for people like him lying is no longer about the lie but it becomes a way of living. His whole life was a big lie and as much as I tried to fight it or in my mind to help it is was pointless. The thing that attracted me to him the most was that I thought he was honest and now that was gone too.
The controlling behavior,the alcoholism, the days of depression, the bad sex life, the lies after lies all seemed so small considering I "thought" I loved him. He seemed like a lost puppy that needed companion, support and love. Something he seemed to be so thirsty for. Something that seemed not his family or friends or one-night stands had fulfilled for him. It seemed all so sad.He had always been a "victim" of something in life. I was hoping I could save him. His only pride in life was "His apartment that he would never leave" , the fact that "his brother became a lawyer " and the fact that he managed to hold "down a job despite all the suffering he went through " on a day to day basis and a few small other materialistic things like his "car". The materialistic things seemed to make him happy most likely from the huge financial hole from childhood he was suffering from.Being deprived for years seemed like it had carried over to his adulthood and even in his relationship. Spending or not spending money was like a statement for him. Being a girl I was used to receiving a lot nice stuff from other guys or being taken to nice places but with him it was nonexistent and the smallest things he would do seemed so big coming from someone like him which i understood considering the emotional ties he had to money. His idea of doing something nice for a girl is taking her to a sporting event of the team he likes! Haha.His gestures ,even though very small compared to guys in the past , seemed so big coming from him so I tried appreciated them.
All of these still seemed so small compared to what was coming.
Anytime I would not agree to the orders that he thought I should follow or If had an opinion or a feeling that went against what he believed in or felt it seemed like I was "bat___" crazy. First he would call me crazy or jealous, then eventually the name calling and verbal abuse and the worst physical abuse started.
At the beginning it started with a push and/or a grab with his apologizes and remorse after and then it escalated to hours and hours of physical abuse with no where to escape with no apologies no remorse or regret anywhere to be found and in denial of what he had done and trying to cover up with lines like "Rough sex right ? " or " it was self defense " HA ok self defense I'm half your size you have to bruise my whole face and body to stand up to me ?
Talking about gifts : Well what did you girls get for your birthday ? I got a black eye, bruises and cuts on my whole body and was chocked twice to the point that I thought my birthday night was the last night of my life. It was the scariest feeling in my life. It turns out that night wasn't the last but one of many night of abuse. It became a routine as if it was acceptable behavior no matter how much I begged and cried. I would try to escape or call for help and was held hostage for days and out of fear I would listen to whatever he told me to do so I didn't have to go through more abuse. His words " You made me do it " , "I've never done this before it's you". All things abusers and aggressors say. I started a life in fear not knowing what is going to trigger him and he is going to react. I was living a life in FEAR! Nothing worst that being in FEAR of your life all the time.
I considered reporting him to the police many times as I was encouraged by my friends and a domestic violence officer but it seemed like to me I was taking away the one thing he had in life going for him ,his job. Considering he worked with minors a criminal record with highly effect him. I just couldn't seem to do it cause I just
FELT BAD for this person with this horrible mental disease. If i took his job away what else does he have? His apartment? HA
I wondered if he ever
FELT BAD hurting me? Seeing me cry for MERCY.
Despite all the verbal and physical abuse and threats he made to me and almost to my family I still couldn't see myself going that low but still until this day If he ever decides to contact any of my friends or family members especially with threats I have no problem reporting him in a sec and am able to do so at anytime with all the evidence I have! 46 pics to be exact!
As sad as it was in one occasion I actually thought this is all my fault and when we had broken up tried to reach him so many times to apologize for my behavior. So I was physically and verbally abused many times and he had put this though my head that this was all my fault! I had made him so angry that he had no choice to react that way? WHAT WAS I THINKING! I thought especially since his therapist who had never even met me had diagnosed me with BPD just from hearing stories.
The saddest of it all wasn't the abuse but the denial on his behave and his families. I even reached out to his mother and let her know what happened in hopes of finding help for myself and him and she said "We support and protect our son in whatever he does" Ha no wonder he has so many mental issues!
... .I finally had the courage to walk out of this relationship and get this unhealthy person out of my life.
The last time he physically hurt me for many hours and left a permanent scar on my lip and of course on my soul but I managed to meet with a therapist in order to get the help I needed. The help this person made me believe I needed. I saw two different therapist and lots of hours and money later they both said they do not consider me as BPD but someone with PTSD and considering the hell of a relationship I was in it seemed normal. The naive me however did not accept this at all. I decided to change therapist considering I had researched that some therapist aren't diagnosing it so I was convinced they were wrong. I saw another therapist ! Again the third therapist after many hours and sessions will refuse to put the BPD label on me but is treating me for PTSD.
All three therapist said the same thing " The fact that your Ex mis-diagnosed you with BPD and thinks you have a disorder he wants nothing to do with he will stay out of your life" and that's a blessing.
So BPD saved my life,Literally!
He seems like a bad dream I woke up from and don't remember.Eventhough I know it's not nice to laugh at people with mental issues but I can't help but laugh at him (with others) at the sad misery he is living in that he calls life. Verbal and Physical Violence is acceptable to him and he will never change. A thought I had the first few times it happened and he promised it would never happen again.ALL a lie.
It's very obvious he lies about what he has actually done to his family and friends and therapist in order not to look bad and to make himself look like everything that happened "Was simply out of his hands cause he was dealing with a diseased person". Who knows maybe he IS honest to them but they believe physical and verbal abuse is acceptable as well ? HA
As my T says the fact that he is in denial for many of his issues like the abuse and lying, most likely years and years of therapy won't help him until he comes to terms with his actions and takes responsibility and has "Honest" Therapy therefore an "Honest" Recovery" . However it would be out of the question for him. It's obvious he will have a miserable future as his present and past. Thankfully it's no longer by problem but his next VICTIMS!
So here I am 5 weeks NC ! and I have my life BACK!
I am laughing again, something I hadn't done in months. Unlike the first break-up I go out and have fun and really enjoy myself . I no longer worry about talking to people when out in public. People used to call me an honest, happy-go-lucky, fun person to be around but when I was in this Hell of a relationship people would say " you have changed and not in a good way" .Someone told me once it's as if "his depression has transferred to you".
I am happy I am back to the fun and happy person I used to be. I am living a life worth living and I almost had forgot how desired I am !
