She broke NC... help.

[Earthbayne]

Well, I thought we had gone 3 weeks with NC. Now, she broke it through email, I was clearing my trash in Gmail (I thought Gmail had blocked her) and saw an email. I'll post the majority of it here. I know better than to respond right away, or maybe even at all. I don't know what to think, help, support, translations?

I've been wanting to reach out to you for quite some time now but 1. I told you I would leave you alone  2. Something told me to wait and give you space and 3. To be honest, I've been afraid to.  And in the midst of everything, my brother in law's father suddenly and tragically passed away last week so I was caught up in that and couldn't think straight.  So I waited. But, regardless I just can't leave things like this without telling you a few things because you mean too much to me, I care too much about you and I miss you so much.  There's  too much to walk away from (at least for me) so I have to just put all this out there and what's meant to be will be. If anything, I'll get closure. It's in an email format not because I want to talk via email, its just the only way to get everything out and I'm pretty sure you don't want to see me.   So here it is:

I am a ___ing idiot. As you know, I've had a hell of a year. I've been on a rapid downward spiral.  I was buried in stress, constant pressure and abuse essentially at work plus constant doors shutting in my face, mike and joe ___ting on me, and when I did get a breather something else would happen.  I couldn't take it anymore and I lost all sight of anything good I had in my life. I was drowning.  I was consumed. I didn't even know what I wanted to do in my career let alone in my personal life and in a relationship. My life totally unraveled.  I'm so used to being hurt and ___ on that I just couldn't accept or believe that you truly cared.  So I pushed you away. Concerns that I voiced to you were unwarranted;it was my fear talking.  That fight was absolutely absurd and I take full responsibility for it... I just kept pushing you.  I didn't listen. I didn't hear. I deflected. And I pulled ___ out of the air to keep the focus off me.  I was so happy to see you that night.  I was looking so forward to spending time with you. It went horribly wrong.  Earthbayne, I was so wrong.  We ARE compatible.  You are my best friend, my companion, my supporter, my lover (when I don't have issues) and I was a big part of the problem.  I was completely closed off and impossible. But I do feel something was off with you that night too. I don't know what it was but you didn't smile once until we started drinking.  Was something wrong? Did you decide you didn't want to be with me? Did you meet someone else?  Were you holding things in instead of telling me what was wrong that led up to this? Have you been unhappy and didn't tell me?  You were so happy to see me at Starbucks a few days earlier and now you just hate me.  I'm at a loss.  Back to my point, you are my biggest supporter and there is no one else I would want at my side.  I don't blame you for being mad at me. Truth is, I want you to yell at me about getting my arm checked. To give me that look when I'm being crazy. To tell me when I'm being an ass. To laugh with you hysterically at 1:00am. To wake you up with my silliness. Outside of my family, I am not used to someone caring for me the way you did. I was so sensitive, insecure, defeated, beaten down, I just shutdown. I went into a shell and it's hard to get through to me. And I was scared... .A mortgage and no job is petrifying. I've just been lost. And to avoid more hurt  I lumped you in with everyone else. Which got me hurt anyway.  Please forgive me.  Everyone makes mistakes. I'm human.  I'm sorry for everything I did wrong. But I think I also did a lot right didn't i?

Don't give up on us yet. There's so much more for us. I want to be with you. A piece of me is missing without you.  I want to be a couple... .I want you on this new journey with me. I want to be a part of your journey.  Are my actions really unforgivable? How can you walk away so easily? I know I hurt you but you've hurt me too... .but I still want this to work. Even though I was difficult, there is a lot of good to me. I have so much to give and I've learned from my mistakes. I don't want to push you away. I don't want to hide how I feel. It gets me nowhere.

I keep reading what you wrote to me when you left TRCB... .The "oh hai" email, all the things you would miss about not being there.  Then the email you sent me when I was sick back in September ... .:'''-( and look at us now. This isn't right. :'-(

I know there is a huge chance that this will go unanswered because you simply don't want to be with me, there's someone else or that your response will be a goodbye since your history is that when you walk away you don't look back. But you also told me I was different.  How can you turn your back on all we had? I'm not just some random girl. Im the girl that sat in ur car for an hour going "hhggghhh"... .Who brought out PHOENIX and encouraged him to keep going for a full lunch hour. Who you've shared so many laughs and silly stories with. I'm the girl that put you in a headlock to put contacts in your eyes because I knew you wanted them and would be so upset if you left without getting them.  Im the girl you ran side by side with in your first tough mudder. Im the girl that almost completely lost it when you went down at this last tough mudder because I hated seeing you in pain and I could imagine how upset you were not to finish (I never told you that). I'm the girl that has stood by you through it all. And you have been the same for me.  :'-(  I'm sorry, I just can't walk away as easily as you have. There's too much history between us.  You finally got me to commit and you just walk away so easy like it was all nothing to you.  How? I'm heartbroken.

Relationships are good and bad. Couples fight. We do things that piss each other but we talk about things and fix what's wrong and work through it.  As long as both people are committed to making it work then you take the rollercoaster ride together.  But you have to be willing. I'm not saying it's going to be all puppies and rainbows. Its not going to be. It's going to take work. We're going to fight. Im going to annoy the ___ out of you and vice versa but if you're willing, then I'm willing. I think we have a good foundation that we can build on. But if you don't agree then I'll respect that and you'll never hear from me again and I'll take this as a hard lesson.

Anyway, so there it is. You know how I feel and how sorry I am.  It's all out there. This email isn't about what I want... .It's about letting you know that I know my faults and what I did wrong and that on the off chance you miss me too and are willing to talk to me or consider making this work, then I'm here.  If the answer is no and you still choose to walk away or ignore this, then at least I know I tried and I'll let go and move on and I'll have closure. Whether it's now, a week from now, a month from now or never... .Now you know all of this. Ball is in your court.

But either way, I miss you... .

[Earthbayne]

I honestly don't know what to think. I have so many emotions going through my mind right now. I wish I had never seen that email.

It makes me feel like I'm going crazy. Like there's something wrong with me, why wouldn't I want to take her back? Look at how expressive she's being in that email.

I don't know if I want to just NOT reply or if I want to tell her EVERYTHING and let the chips fall where they may. I purposely told ANYONE that I could about my situation and told them about what happened and why I either reduced my time in their lives or disappeared altogether.

Part of me wants to reply and jump back into it, because at the very core, I miss her.

I love the accusations of me being with someone else, when it was her that couldn't put her phone down sometimes, even when she was with me. She did dedicate so much time to me though, but I always had doubts.

What's to stop this from being a recycle where in 2-3 weeks I'm back at square one again? She called me a lover (When she doesn't have issues), but I never even felt like that. All the rejections, all the times she could barely muster up enough sexual energy. All the times I practically had to beg... .

I know, I'm rambling, but I'm letting my mind flow. I need to get this out there. I need help. I wasn't ready to deal with this today.

Should I tell her how I really fell? All the resentment and the anger? How I miss her even though she made me miserable? My mind is going 500 mph and my heart is beating even faster.

[Earthbayne]

At the risk of sounding desperate for an answer (because I am and could use help)... .anyone?

[Deeno02]

At the risk of sounding desperate for an answer (because I am and could use help)... .anyone?

It's on you. What do you want to have happen? Personally, I would hit the delete button. Done is done... .

[mitchell16]

Im sorry Im still going thru the same with mine. i went NC in august. since then Ive recieved numerous texts, phone calls, driving by my work and my house. IM still maintain NC and I have started a new relationships and its going well. What it really boils done to is if you want to continue with the same path. I do not so im staying NC. I fell for this rouitine at least 3 diffrent times in my 3 years with my BPD and every time after she got me back into it, she would start her same behavior. The will say and  do anything to get what they want. The will lie, cheat, steal to accomplish this. I wish you luck. It does get easier, the NC. i rember when I was 3 weeks NC and I was swill struggling. I still have days where Im struggling because I loved her so much and I wanted it to work so bad. and when she says all the things you  want to beleive them. Only thing in my case is experience has showed me diffrent with her. Like I said I feel for it about 3 maybe even 4 times. The trick is NC and really stay NC. The boards help. I still go back and read my old post from where i started and to where Im at now and it serves as reminder. I also go read on the staying boards and see the strugles people are going thru trying to make it work. I remmeber when that was me. IM so relieved its not anymore.

[Earthbayne]

Upon receiving the email, I forwarded it to my sister (a psychiatrist), my best friend, and a really good friend of mine (who is bipolar - and the first to recognize what she was). So far, my sister has told me if I do go back to her, what to expect. If I email her how I really feel, to expect rage. If I don't email, she'll try to reach out every once in a while or completely paint me black. Still waiting on advice from the other two.


What do I want to happen? Either one of three things:

(1) Tell her absolutely how I feel and how crappy I feel. Possible reaction is rage and a complete lack of understanding, but I get to get that off of my chest. But that could be a rabbit hole.

(2) Take the high road, tell her it's over and that we should keep it like that, cordial.

(3) Continue NC forever and risk bumping into her.

I think it's funny she suspects I found someone else, even while in the relationship with her though. Projection?

[billypilgrim]

At the risk of sounding desperate for an answer (because I am and could use help)... .anyone?

It's on you. What do you want to have happen? Personally, I would hit the delete button. Done is done... .

I agree.  Though I feel for you with what you must be feeling after reading that.  Some of the things she discussed in her e-mail to you were the very things I pleaded with my ex to remember after she walked out of my life.  It was as if she couldn't remember ANY of the wonderful memories and experiences we shared together.  But I know if/when I get an e-mail like that, it's because she's run out of options and it won't be for real.  It's just me getting painted as all good again and you and I both know that's only temporary. 

But ultimately it comes down to you - are there boundaries that you would set in order to make things work (therapy, counseling, personal space, etc)? Would you think she would be willing to honor those boundaries?  Is she worth it to you?  It's heavy stuff but it's your call.  I know I would hit delete and keep going forward in life.  There are tons of people in this world that are capable of reciprocating the same love that you put in without dragging you down to nothing.

[Earthbayne]

I agree.  Though I feel for you with what you must be feeling after reading that.  Some of the things she discussed in her e-mail to you were the very things I pleaded with my ex to remember after she walked out of my life.  It was as if she couldn't remember ANY of the wonderful memories and experiences we shared together.  But I know if/when I get an e-mail like that, it's because she's run out of options and it won't be for real.  It's just me getting painted as all good again and you and I both know that's only temporary. 

But ultimately it comes down to you - are there boundaries that you would set in order to make things work (therapy, counseling, personal space, etc)? Would you think she would be willing to honor those boundaries?  Is she worth it to you?  It's heavy stuff but it's your call.  I know I would hit delete and keep going forward in life.  There are tons of people in this world that are capable of reciprocating the same love that you put in without dragging you down to nothing.

Well, it has been only 3 weeks, I figured she'd be knee deep into my replacement by now. It may be because I left her and not vice versa that she hasn't fully taken a new suitor on.

When I first saw the email, my immediate reaction was to reach out to her and the thought of maybe even trying one more time, but I already know how the cycle goes. It'd be awesome for about... .two weeks. If I knew the fantasy of who she could be, were a reality, I'd chance it, but it's not. It's not real. I got a similar email just four months ago from her. I can't keep doing this to myself.

She is right, I was at my best with her, but I was also at a colossal worse. She brought out things in me that I didn't even know existed and I NEVER want to revisit that again. I just wish I knew how to respond or not... .

[billypilgrim]

Well, it has been only 3 weeks, I figured she'd be knee deep into my replacement by now. It may be because I left her and not vice versa that she hasn't fully taken a new suitor on.

When I first saw the email, my immediate reaction was to reach out to her and the thought of maybe even trying one more time, but I already know how the cycle goes. It'd be awesome for about... .two weeks. If I knew the fantasy of who she could be, were a reality, I'd chance it, but it's not. It's not real. I got a similar email just four months ago from her. I can't keep doing this to myself.

She is right, I was at my best with her, but I was also at a colossal worse. She brought out things in me that I didn't even know existed and I NEVER want to revisit that again. I just wish I knew how to respond or not... .

It's been one month for me today.  For the first week she texted me things about her family, new apartment, getting stuff back, etc.  Eventually I told her to leave me alone and so far, she's taken to that.  But I know she'll recycle at some point.  For 6 years, she recycled me within our relationship (falling out of love one week and then back to being her soul mate and best friend the next) and she recycled previous relationships prior to when we started dating.  Why did I think this was a healthy or normal way to go through life?  I know now that can't do this anymore or ever again.  I was at the lowest point I've ever been in my life earlier this year and I blamed it on everything else but her.  And I've realized that it was my lack of emotional needs being met, not nonsense outside factors that I used to excuse my depression/negative feelings.

As for how to respond, I don't think I would.  That could open a whole new can of worms.  And it could give off the impression that you are still within reach.  It could also give off the impression that the e-mail affected you - which no doubt it did, as it should if you have a heart - but do you want her to know that?  If you have decided to move on, stick to that and leave this be.

[Earthbayne]

So far, I am set on moving on. I just feel like I need to respond or say something. I'm impulsive.

But thankfully, that was an email she sent on Saturday, I only read it today. So as far as she knows, I probably read it and chose to not respond.

My best friend went through something similar last year, which is why I forwarded the email to him. He got divorced after barely 6 months into it. All he said was: Do you want to go down my same path?

[oletimefeelin]

Read the letter.  Went back and read your initial intro post here to get some background.  So, this letter would tug at my heart strings as well.  Understandably, you are struggling with its content.

After taking a step back, what would bother me is her seeming inability to accept any responsibility in the email.  

She passes off the problems with generalities like "couples fight" and "relationships are good and bad".  It sounds to me, and I suspect you'd agree, that this is a gross oversimplification of what went down in your relationship. I'd really want to have heard some perspective on her end, what she feels she contributed to the problems in your relationship.  Instead, she's blaming work-related stress and minimizing real issues with cliches.

I think we all come here wishing our partner would fall on the sword in some way.  They don't need to fall all over themselves, but there needs to be some admission of what they brought to the table.  She deserves credit for laying herself out there.  I mean she went so far as to tell you that the ball is in your court.  That's somewhat rare for a borderline, which likely speaks to her level of desperation.  Not desperate enough to take personal responsibility, however.  I suspect she's incapable of that, and therein lies the rub.

She definitely sounds like the real deal.  There's a lot of chaos here, including the enmeshed relationship with her mother.  The way in which she writes is troubling.  Her template for the world includes all this drama.  There are a cast of characters acting upon her, of which she has no control.  

It seems to me that you have considerably more validation than most here ever get.  Your sister is a psych and warned you ahead of time.  It usually takes most people a while to connect the dots.  We know something is off, but what exactly what that is is not clear.

Respond as you wish.  It doesn't reflect poorly upon you if you decide to respond.  :)o not go seeking contrition on her side.  :)on't expect her to accept blame or suggest ways to undertake changes.  This is who she is.  Your eyes are open.  You really need to accept who she is if you are to respond and give this another go round.

 

[Earthbayne]

oletimefeelin, thank you for taking the time to go read my original post.

Her lack of accountability bothered me greatly. The fact that she suggested that I was withdrawn because of "someone else" also threw me off. I spent all my time with her or texting her. Everything was always the sum of external forces and never her.

I think the only reason she said the ball was in my court was two-fold:

(1) She is no longer responsible or feeling guilty for whatever I decide

(2) She is desperate and she knows that when I am done with a relationship 100%, I don't mess around. She was there when I was over my last ex.

She was always quick to point out when something was my fault, never quick to take the same responsibility.

What REALLY got me was her saying: "You finally got me to commit."

Who says that? She misses me and she misses the relationship I made her commit herself to?

[Recooperating]

Im so sorry this mail confused you and causes so much distress.

Its funny, after every break up (and there were many... ) I'd receive EXACTLY the same kind of emails from my dBPDexbf. I can relate how hard it is to ignore or process this.

Im gonna be bluntly honest and I may sound a bit harsh. Do you see the pattern in this mail?

I'm so sorry, but... .I was stressed out, unemployed, poor me the whole world was against me... .Victim, victim, victim. For me a BUT behind or before an apology, deletes thr who apology. But ok, she was stressed out... .Life isnt a ballpark all the time, does it mean she can treat you like this everytime she is stressed out?

Biggest red Flag for me... .What has changed in her circumstances? Has she gotten herslef out if her distress? Did she actually DID take responsibility and gotten help, therapy or a job? Did she learn skills to handle stress?

See it for what it is... .Words you wanna hear. Now where are the actions you need to see from her?

Her mail is all about her poor circumstances... .What about you? You were in those circumstances with her! Did you treat her like ___? NO! You supported her and she kicked you in the balls for it! An honest question in this mail would have been: i am sorry I hurt your feelings, I behaved very badly and you did not deserve that. I would like to know how YOU are feeling and your thoughts about getting back together. what are your needs in this rs? I would be very willing to hear your thoughts on the matter and I'd like both out needs to be met. I realize I have some "issues" and I am willing to work on them. Or something like that...

I feel she is minimalizing the issues with: a rs is not all puppies and tainbows, every couple has issues... .Bla bla bla

I understand how confusing this is and GOD knows I have recycled so many times after receiving mails like this. Its your path and your choice. I'd understand either choice.

My advice: make a consious desicion, stay out of the fog, ask yourself what do you need in a rs and will she be able to give you that?

Goodluck!

[Earthbayne]

Harsh is what I need. I see a crystal clear pattern in this email, Recooperating.

The worst part is she ALWAYS treats me like this when she is stressed out and as her email clearly states, she is ALWAYS being pooped on by life. So in other words, she'll always keep treating me like this because at almost 40 years old, she can't manage with life.

Honestly, I don't think anything has changed. I'd walk into the same exact situation all over again.

Funny you talk about the words I want to hear, because this is the most emotion she's ever displayed to me, and it is in an email. And when I mean emotion, I mean positive emotion. She has NEVER told me out loud that she has missed me or can't wait to see me, etc, etc, etc... .

The sample email you posted makes so much more sense to me and seems like something a NON would say and has said to me in the past.

She will never be able to give me what I want in a relationship. It's been over a year, it hasn't changed before, and it won't change now. I am just another in the list of things in life that have walked away from her.

[Earthbayne]

So far I've received differing opinions.

(1) Strict NC, delete the email, don't respond.

(2) Write back a short message wishing her the best of luck in her life - specifically because she might bump into me at some point when I am out and it might be best to avoid a scene.

I'm now against the idea of an all out email assault, and considering #2.

I did check her Facebook earlier this morning and saw she changed her profile picture 2 days before she sent me the email and it was her all close to someone, although the person was mostly cut out. I can only assume it was a man. Either way... .it's another reason why I don't want to get back with her. I'd deal with that, the text messages, the doubts, etc, etc, etc... .

[Nicolai]

We have so much in common you and I. Without sounding gay... You and I are freakin soulmates. Do you know why? Because we are both freakin morons! Complete idiots, and trapped in the addiction we call love. Would this woman stand by you if you became handicapped or unemployed? What if you fell in a coma for 4 years. Would she wait for you? I know what you talking about. I know the feeling. But the truth is that we are not in love with them. We are addicted. So called co-depended! It is hard being in the present with nothing. But allowing the past to become the future robbs you of whatever would have happen. Their are millions of girls out there that can make you happy. And most importent... That you know will be there for the bad days. You have proven you can stand for someone to thick and thin... Love someone who can that back to you!

[Earthbayne]

My sister and another friend of mine recommended to do a short, neutral goodbye. They both wanted me to go NC, but the proximity of her makes it a little more alarming to just never respond. If I ever saw her out, she might act out.

Has anyone ever said a quick goodbye email? And how did that go?

As much as I'd love to not respond at all, at this point, I also don't want to not respond with "something" if I know I could see her by next Saturday.

[enlighten me]

I personally would respond. I would tell her that even though I loved her I dont anymore as she has said and done too much to hurt me. I would thank her for opening up.

I would take it as the closest thing to closure you will probably get and move on.

[Recooperating]

I responded once wishing him well and happiness. I thanked hin for our good times and said an honest loving goodbye. What I got was rage, he wanted a recycle and he got a goodbye so he reacted like a kid not getting a piece of candy. Accusations, name calling, the whole enchilada came my way. Very immature, but it was to be expected I guess. I didnt respond anymore... .I said what I had to say and left it at that.

[Visitor]

Hi Earthbayne

This is your future girlfriend sending you a message. You don’t know I exist yet but when you do you are going to wonder why you ever gave a second thought to getting back with such a poisonous person. I will never send you such an apologetic email because I would never treat a person like that in the first place. Not you, not my friends and certainly not my family. Don’t get me wrong I do have stressful days at work (don’t we all  ) and yes maybe it puts us in a bad mood but I wouldn’t ever feel I needed to take that out on you. I would expect us to have glass of wine and unwind together at home while having a cuddle on the sofa. Not that I have any problems at work. We all have that one person who annoys us sometimes but generally everything is friendly. There is a girl at work that seems to love drama though. Always arguing with everybody, screaming at people and talking about them. The strange thing is she never seems to take the blame and always acts like the victim. I feel sorry for the man who she goes home to at night. Who would stay with somebody like that?. He must have a very low self-esteem.

I can’t wait to meet you. We are going to have such happy and fun times together. I don’t expect us to live in each other’s pockets all the time as I’m not a needy person but we will really enhance each other’s lives and have some great adventures together. I will have no reason to try to control you, get jealous or hurt you in any way. We will have our ups and downs but I really can’t stand too much drama.

I’m a pretty girl and the sex is going to be great. So much meaning and love between us. You will never have to wonder whether to stay with me or not. In fact you would be scared to ever lose me.

As for that letter. If you EVER treat me like that then I can assure you I will be gone quicker than you can finish a sentence. There are plenty of good men out there that would want to be with me and treat me with respect and I wouldn’t except it any other way. I would also treat you with the same respect and love as I would want for myself.

You seem very preoccupied with that letter so I will leave you to recycle a hundred before you realise I exist. I will warn you though. If you waist any more time. You may not ever meet me at all

Your future love

xx

[Recooperating]

LOVE your post Visitor! Great way to put some perspective on it for ALL of us! Thanks!

[Earthbayne]

Wow, Visitor... .just, wow.

I'll say my "goodbye" and be done with it. Never thought about it in those terms. Consider my mind blown.

[RedDove]

Earthbayne, I'm sorry you received that email from your ex BPDgf. Especially so close to the Thanksgiving Holiday. I agree with everyone else that her words are empty and meaningless. She has taken no responsibility for the hurt and pain she caused you and she never will. She's merely writing and telling you what she thinks you want to hear to bait you into contacting her.

My ex BPDbf did the same thing after 3 months of NC which was initiated by me. I found out he had BPD when I confronted him about his deceit and cheating. His messages were full of the I miss you's, I adore you's, I love you's etc. etc. He took no responsibility for the hurt and pain he caused me. Nor for betraying my loyalty and trust. It tugs at your heart strings because we are caring and loving people. However, I have my list of all of the awful things my ex BPDbf did during the course of our 4 Yeats together. I refer to that list whenever I begin to feel any sympathy for him.

My last message to him almost 4 months ago was short and to the point: "It's time to close a chapter in my life I left open for far too long. I wish you well and hope you seek the help (therapy) that you need." His response was "I want you to be safe and happy." At the time he already had the replacement in the wings, so I'm sure he was relieved to get rid of me so quickly.

The recent contact from him was via a dating site, email and texts. It has definitley set me back. I'm being kind to myself and I hope you do the same. We genuinely loved them, but their feelings are fleeting, moment to moment. They only reach out because they have a need at that moment. They are very selfish and mentally unstable and ill.

[Targeted]

Visitor just gave me a good dope slap too!

Awesomely written and powerfully true,

What a wake up, 

[talithacumi]

Sorry you find yourself dealing with all these confused/conflicted emotions, Earthbayne. Finding your own emotional center in the aftermath of a breakup with a pwBPD can be be really difficult, especially given the fact that their fear of being rejected/abandoned has been triggered big time by the breakup itself regardless of who initiated it, how, or why. They're dysregulated and swinging from one emotional extreme to another - impulsively saying whatever they feel/think in the moment - before shifting gears and completely contradicting themselves in the next.

NC is about giving yourself a break from having to hear, process, and figure out how to deal with anymore of that stuff than you already have ... .so you can figure out how you really feel and what you really need/want to do at this point.

Take that time. This is something that's obviously really important to you, and it's really important therefore that you make the best, most objective, and informed choice you possibly can about where you need/want things to go from here.

NC is a boundary you set for yourself so you're better able to do that - and it's a really hard one to maintain whether you're being contacted by your ex (because you feel their pain and end up feeling really guilty about not at least acknowledging the fact that they've made contact and haven't been completely abandoned) or being ignored/given the silent treatment (because you're not sure how or why they could just let it go/not really care). There's also no one there but yourself - emotionally raw and agonizing as you are - to answer to when/if you decide to break it either - whether that's by calling/texting/emailing yourself, reading a text/email they've sent, or going online to see what they've posted on their FB page.

What I'm trying to say (gently and without any real judgement here) is that it was you who broke NC - not her - and with exactly the kind of effect on you emotionally that made setting that boundary so necessary in the first place.

Use this experience to validate/reinforce your commitment to be stronger - to remain NC until you get the clarity you need to make a choice about what you need/want to do that isn't simply a reaction to what you're feeling in the moment.

Shift focus, when you can, away from what she wrote and what it meant and how it made you feel to why you read it in the first place - what you were hoping to hear and why you were hoping to hear it - what that says about you, how you see yourself, what you need/want/expect/get from relationships like this, where those feelings/thoughts come from, and the extent to which they're actually true/healthy.

It's not easy. It's really uncomfortable to shine the light on ourselves and our part in this dance when the disordered behavior of our exe's gives us so many irrational, bizarre, and truly outrageous things to worry, wonder, think about, and react to instead. That's the other thing that makes NC so hard to maintain because once we stop being given something to react/respond to ... .well ... .all we're left with is ourselves, our own feelings/thoughts, and our own behavior/choices to deal with.

But that's where any real, lasting change is going to come from ... .both in terms of how you feel right now ... .as well as how you're going to live, love, and feel for the rest of your life as well.

Be strong. You're a good person, Earthbayne. Give yourself the time and space you need to make the best decision you can for yourself. You soo deserve it.

- TC

[Earthbayne]

All these words of encouragement, they are awesome.

Thank you all so much. I'm hoping to find a way to block emails on Gmail so they don't go to Trash and risk seeing a response. I don't think she'll take it well unless she has a firm replacement in her sights.

I'm 150% confirmed done with her emotionally and want to focus on myself. I can't live my future if I'm being anchored by my past.

[Earthbayne]

So, I was going to email her today a short and sweet message (I still am), because I thought I'd try to be considerate enough to not ruin her Thanksgiving for her.

At 2:30 AM, she texts me. Seriously? At 2:30 AM.

"Earthbayne, please talk to me. I can't just give up and walk away. I am so damn sorry. I truly am. I was wrong and I screwed this up cuz of my own ___ and you have every right to be mad at me, but please forgive me and give me another chance. I'm still a good person and we can still be great. I can make you happy like I once did. I've made mistakes. I've said wrong things. But who hasn't? You know me Earthbayne. Please try and see past your anger and remember who I am and what we had. Please don't give up on me yet. Can we please talk? Please forgive me Earthbayne (sorry for the late text, can't sleep)."



Now here's the thing, I do know her. I know her a lot more now than I did when we were together and I know that if I tried to get back with her, I'd be right back here in a month or two. She can never make me happy "again", because I was never really happy with her. Maybe in the first month or two, but we all know that's not happening again.

She is sounding pretty desperate and my bet is that she hasn't lined up a full replacement yet. That or maybe they haven't measured up to me fully yet? No idea. Not going to try to over-analyze this, but definitely did not expect texts at 2:30 AM about it.

[almostmarried]

Forget about her... .I went through EXACTLY the same "procedure" with my ex-BPD-girlfriend... .and so did her ex-husband.

After a few weeks,things were back to chaos... .push/pull,silent treatment,blame shifting... .you know it... .

DONT REPLY. MOVE ON.

[Deeno02]

All, i read this ___ from you guys everyday and Im so thankful I dont hear from mine. I really am. So far I think shes good to go with the new guy and Im very happy if thats true. I cant imagine what it must feel like to go days, weeks, months without hearing from them and then, poof, there they are again. I have her blocked on everything and plan to remain that way , at least until Volleyball season, when Im kinda forced to have contact as she is the coach. Until then, fight the good fight! Stay NC!

[Earthbayne]

I almost feel as if this is what I should send. I'm afraid that if I don't send anything, she'll actually show up at my apartment.

I think it's time we both moved on. You asked for forgiveness, and you have it. But it is better if we both move on to different chapters in our lives. We keep fixing and breaking and I just can't see a solution to it other than this. I will always have very good memories of us and will always carry those with me. However, I wish you the best in every aspect of your life.

Thoughts?