Have you ever had an adult conversation with youe ex BPD ?

[guy4caligirl]

I don't recall I did ... .Did you ?

[going places]

I don't recall I did ... .Did you ?

HAHAHHAHHAHA uh no.

He never initiated any conversations beyond the weather or sports.

Ever. Seriously. For 25 years, never, not once

I would ask if we could sit down and talk about a 'situation' that was causing a disruption in our marriage and family.

He would sit and stare at the wall, stare at the tv.

I would ask for his opinion, thoughts, plan.

"I dunno"

"I guess"

"I think"

"What do you want to do"

or

Flip the script.

He would hear what he wanted to hear, formulated his own sentence, tell me that is what I said, then blame me for why we could not communicate.

Gaslight: Tell me I said some stuff, I never said; convince me to question myself.

or

Give me the silent treatment for days after a conversation (that went down like the above described) OR have enormous temper tantrums (throwing things cussing and swearing while stomping around, slamming doors) OR stare me down then walk away from me when I would try to talk.

ALL so that I would NEVER TRY TO COMMUNICATE with him again... .those were my 'punishments' for trying to communicate.

No, communicating with him is like trying to talk to a 13 year old boy, going thru puberty, who is spoiled and entitled.

I am so thankful, I do not have to talk to him day in and day out.

[Heartbroken Eagle]

I tried to with my ex, but when I discussed a difficult subject with her, she became really defensive and started crying.

For the last couple of years with her, I just did'nt bother anymore. In hindsight this was not the best way of dealing with awkward situations, but I just could not cope with all the drama!

[going places]

I tried to with my ex, but when I discussed a difficult subject with her, she became really defensive and started crying.

For the last couple of years with her, I just did'nt bother anymore. In hindsight this was not the best way of dealing with awkward situations, but I just could not cope with all the drama!

I shut my mouth for 11 years... .

I find it funny when people say "just move on, get over it, you're not over it yet'?

Yeah, hold in 11+ years of that noise and see how fast you can "forgive and forget" HAHAHHAHHAHA

I saw a thing online the other day that said:

From now on, I will treat others, the way they treat me.

Some will be happy.

Others, should be scared.

[hergestridge]

One problem was that my exwife pretended to understand what I was on about a lot of the time. Later on in our relationship she was more open about not understanding and not being able to relate to what I was talking about.

To be honest I think we always were on different levels intellectually. There was a age difference (5 years) that did a lot in the beginning, but there was something more.

In her early 20s she had academic ambitions and I think she improved intellectually during that time. When looking back at that she thinks that she was "faking" during her academic years, but I kept telling her that's a one way to become smarter. She wouldn't buy into that. You're either smart or dumb, that how it was in her world. And she was dumb, that's how she identified herself.

She went from bohemian academic role models in her early 20s to some kind of Marilyn Monroe ideal in her mid 30s.

She also developed an aversion to anything she didn't understand. She never tried to get on terms with it, she criticized it instead. If I used a word she wasn't familiar with she accused me of being a bully. She had a huge complex about her supposed lack of all-round education and she seemed to have developed some kind of phobia towards knowledge. She refused to watch documentaries and demanded we'd switch channels whenever one came on the TV, as if it would hurt her eyes.

Consequently, having a conversation in general became more and more difficult. She just rolled her eyes and went silent. Like a dad with his teenage daughter; everything is boring or you don't understand/can't relate.

I didn't know what to talk about really, because we didn't have any common friends to talk about either (she didn't want me to meet hers).

Over the last years TV shows became more and more important to her, and since that was not one of my interests it was not an option either.

In hindsight I understand that she lived with me for 20 years without really developing a relationship with me, or without developing her own personality much either for that matter. So my feeling that I was living with hostile teenage girl I didn't know was not totally unfounded. That was what she had turned into. Strange and sad.

[Mutt]

I don't recall I did ... .Did you ?

Much of the her behaviors are driven by the disorder. It's emotional arrested development, emotional immaturity. That said, I was setting the bar too high. I was expecting her to come to my level. It's for me to understand that she has difficulties communicating needs and wants. Everyone is different. There's great strength in silence.

[clydegriffith]

Not that i recall. At least not a meaningful one in which she meant the things she was saying. To this day she still plays childish games. Here is a perfect recent example: She sends me a message telling me that i can't claim my daughter on my tax returns this year because she needs to do it to have proof of where the child lives for the school. Now, i know this is a lie and she just wants the entire tax credit for herself. Now, instead of reaching out to me and having an adult conversation and saying "Clyde, let's discuss how we will do taxes this year", she comes up with this pretty shabby story and has temper tantrum when i call her out on it. 14 1/2 more years of this nonsense to go.

[Sandman1881]

What an excellent question.

I'm 2+ months out and I have been revisiting old emails and texts trying to sort this out. Not so much ruminating but deciphering and trying to comprehend what in the hell was going on. And I found that it is impossible. All that I find is mostly confusion intermingled with garbled text (crazy making). As I think back now for the most part I couldn't ever figure out what it was she was actually trying to communicate. But the "get out's", the "leave's", and the "move on I'm not a good woman for you's", we're all quite clear to me. But then every single time, except at the very end as I was being replaced, after a short period of time passed (few hours to a day or two sometimes), she would come back down and begin to love me again.

There were countless times that I attempted to have lucid, adult-type conversations with my darling, only to have the conversation twisted against me leaving me with feelings of guilt, shame, not good enough, even more confusion, and disappointment. Towards the end I began avoiding any communication that I knew would cause her to be reminded that she did in fact hate me. Sometimes it would feel like she both hated me to death and loved me more than life all at the very same time. Basically I wound up keeping my mouth shut like a good little emasculated and well-trained servant. If I didn't she would, take the truck keys, take money from my wallet and leave me with nothing, take my apartment keys and try to lock me out, email my boss, our landlord, call my doctor... .so many different things that just never did quite made sense.


My short answer would have to be no. Unless we were discussing something unrelated to our relationship, like spending money, or discussing our plans for general crap basically, or of course if we were talking about how wonderfully amazing she was.


One thing is for sure, it was ALWAYS my mouth that got me in the most trouble. She would say "your always talking, talking, talking... .blah, blah, blah, blah... ." And I would say, "but babe, I was just asking you a question about this or about that." And then I would think to myself "You know what normal people do."

Communication was a major issue even from the very start. I had a conversation with a female friend of mine about 3 weeks into our relationship and I specifically remember telling my friend that it was incredibly difficult to communicate with her and it was in fact a concern of mine.    But that copper/blonde hair and curls and those damn pretty blue eyes kept me coming back for more time and time again. Until the actual very bitter end when I got the Primal Stare. Those blue eyes were no longer pretty. They were absolutely blank, empty, and void of anything other than complete and total hatred and pure distain. At that moment, I was the target of all of her hatred and rage.

Thank you for the question. It sure feels nice to have my brain back.