Hi I am a new member.

[radio]

Hi there. I have filed for separation and divorce from my husband. He is a prominent figure who was seeing a doctor for BPD. He does not believe he has BPD. He is physically, financially, emotionally and psychologically abusive. I have read  books by Randi K and by Billy Eddy about divorcing someone who is high-conflict or BPD. Everything that Billy says would happen when I started the process of separation and divorce is happening.

He is lying, denying, deflecting, and delusional. Even convincing my lawyer that my husband was what I said he was and that his lies were just that-lies has been costly and slowly she is understanding because of my evidence.

I have emails of abuse. He says that I tampered with his emails. He sent texts from a burner number. He said it wasn't him. He punishes with withdrawal of money.

Are there people out in the BPD family who have survived divorcing a BPD in Canada with a lawyer who truly understands a BPD.

My husband says that no one will believe me because he is a respected professional in the community. We have been together 3 1/2 years. I have a son ( university ) and he has a son in university.

I have spent the last two days going over recordings of his abuse and I'm emotionally spent having to relive the abuse. I am sad, angry, exhausted, worried and frustrated.

Thank you.

radio

[ForeverDad]

What is your goal?  The challenges he presents in the divorce?

I ask because you apparently don't have children together so custody is not an issue, typically the most contentious, draining and lengthy struggle.  That leaves short term support and splitting of joint assets.

This is a relatively short marriage so support is probably not a huge issue either, though during the divorce the spouse earning less may get some spousal support until the final decree and perhaps a little longer afterward.

What sort of assets or debts are joint?  Vehicles?  Houses?  Boats, snowmobiles, etc?  Furniture?  Credit cards?  Bank accounts?  Retirement accounts?

With the minimal information we have then what I'm saying is that unwinding a 3.5 year marriage will be short term devastating but before long it will be over and you can go your separate ways.  So create a list of the issues, the real issues, and start putting them in priority order.

Marriage is about emotions, hopes and dreams.  Divorce is not, it is best done by setting the emotions aside and focusing on making it as businesslike as possible, like a business merger in reverse.  You will probably find that court doesn't care that he is an a$$.  Maybe you can prove abuse and maybe it will be actionable in the court's view, I just don't know.  Often having proof of a person's controlling or abusive actions is best used to maybe gain a little better leverage in the outcome of the divorce.  Family court isn't there to punish one spouse or the other, or at least that's how it often turns out if the poor behaviors are not seen as actionable.

It has been observed that all too often court is a judicial system, not a justice system.  Closure is clearly not something you will get from him, it is something you'll have to Gift to yourself.

[livednlearned]

Hi radio,

I'm sorry you're going through this, but glad you found the site. There are lots of people here who really care. We understand what it's like.

We have members on the boards who divorced in Canada. There are some differences from what it's like in the US, but not all that different. And in the US, there are differences from state to state. I divorced in the US (although I'm dual citizen CDN/US) and while it was pretty traumatizing, I made it to the other side and could not be happier. My ex was a former trial attorney and said all kinds of intimidating things that made me afraid I would lose in court. Don't listen to your H, he's blowing smoke.

Have you read Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry, Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft? That book really helped me get a read on my ex's psychology so it didn't have as much power over me. Bancroft spent 20 years working with abusive men and wrote the book for the women who recover from these relationships.

What kind of financial situation are you facing? Does your ex control all the finances? When it comes to BPD divorces, it's a blessing that you don't have a long drawn out custody battle to fight. That's really where things get awful. Although the financial disentanglement can be exasperating, I think overall family court deals with it in a much more matter of fact way.

Do you feel safe where you are right now? I'm assuming you are no longer living with him? 

[maxen]

Even convincing my lawyer that my husband was what I said he was and that his lies were just that-lies has been costly and slowly she is understanding because of my evidence.

if you like your lawyer certainly stay with her. there are lawyers who specialize in high conflict cases though.

in the meantime, you may wan to print out and hand to your lawyer this pamphlet: bpdfamily.com About Personality Disorders and the Family Courts. not that you're going to family court, but it gives a good short lesson in what BPD behaviors in a lawsuit may look like.

[Mutt]

We have members on the boards who divorced in Canada. There are some differences from what it's like in the US, but not all that different.

Hi radio,

I have to agree with livednlearned. The disorder and patterns are the same irregardless of what country. That said, thanks to the help from this board and Bill Eddy's book, I managed to get what I wanted through a custody battle (S3,S6,D8) in court with a spouse with BPD traits. The advice here top-notch and invaluable  

My husband says that no one will believe me because he is a respected professional in the community.

The pattern is the same. Your H is throwing up a lot of FOG (emotional blackmail). Again, I agree with livednlearned he's blowing up smoke and I also agree with Foreverdad. Emotionally detach and treat this as a business transaction.

I printed the link that maxen provided you and gave it to my L. It's a good print-out for L's.

My question. Are you seeing a counselor or psychiatrist?

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