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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Is he/she aware?  (Read 13135 times)
Faith1520
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« on: November 27, 2014, 08:35:45 PM »

Is your ex person w/BPD aware they have the disorder? If so, how did they react to the diagnosis? Are they dealing with it or in denial?

If not, when did you discover they have it and have you considered telling them?

I am debating whether or not to bring it up to my ex. We'd been going to couples counseling and during a one on one visit with the counselor (to discuss my possible codependency) the counselor told me what he suspected he has... .went through the 9 signs/symptoms and he fit 8 of them to a T.  The counselor was going to wait to bring it up to him until he felt he was ready to hear it... .unfortunately, he never got to that point. I have a lot of compassion for what he's going through and I hope for healing for him someday. I figure if I just send him some information on it he can do what he wants with it. I am expecting him to disregard it and probably message me with more hateful things. But, if and when he is ready to accept help he will at least have a place to start and the counseling he's been through wouldn't be a complete waste.
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bungenstein
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« Reply #1 on: November 27, 2014, 09:00:19 PM »

I don't think they are aware they are disordered, but I think hey are aware of the intentions behind their actions, and they are aware that their actions are perceived as wrong by others.

Also, I don't think many of them actually want to change at all.
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Hope0807
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« Reply #2 on: November 27, 2014, 10:27:10 PM »

DO NOT tell them!  It will backfire.  "Splitting" by Randi Kreger and countless other sources I have read recommend AGAINST telling someone they are disordered.

I do believe that most disordered persons are fully aware that they are quite a different breed - but also live in a place of superiority…resting largely and comfortably in the notion that EVERYONE around them has a problem.  It's all quite disturbing.

As for your questions, I found out about BPD, drug addiction, and criminal behavior while my uBPD/ASPDexH was essentially splitting.  It was like a landfall of hell.
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.cup.car
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« Reply #3 on: November 27, 2014, 10:45:48 PM »

They're aware. More than aware.

They seem to split between:

- Knowing they have a disorder and are just as "along for the ride" like everyone else around them is

- Believing everyone is out to get them

It changes based on moods, which is why it's so difficult to get these people help.

When they're in a good mood, they'll feel the first point is correct. But in a bad mood, they'll feel the second point is correct.
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #4 on: November 27, 2014, 10:52:20 PM »

I did tell my ex (when she was my wife).  I gave her an ultimatum - get help or I'm done.  I told her that I thought she was BPD or possibly NPD or both.  She laughed at me, mocked me with her friends, and then filed for divorce behind my back to "protect herself" from me.  :)uring our divorce I had some lengthy conversations about what I thought was wrong with her.  It really isn't worth the headaches and drama, in my opinion.

Are they aware?  I think they are aware of much of it, but much of it is also unconsciously driven.  My ex admitted on a few occasions that she knew she was a "crappy mom."  She had said to me that she knew something was "wrong".  She told me that the boyfriend she had before me claimed she was "insatiable."  She told me on some occasions that she felt "empty."  She knows she's a liar.  She admitted to me that she "never really wanted to leave" me for that other guy.  She just wanted to "f### him," and then added, "That's pretty bad, huh?"  But will she ever do anything about it?  No, and *that* is the disorder.  That is part and parcel of being BPD: you externalize all of your internal conflicts on others.  Feeling empty and knowing that you are a liar and do horrible things, for a non, means "seek help, find out what is wrong so that I can be better."  For a person with BPD, it means... ."what is wrong with everyone?  why won't they love me enough?  oh poor me.  I have nobody... .oh, except for that person I can lure in... .and that person, too... and that one, too... .I'll find more people to triangulate, to manipulate and position against each other, all while they revolve completely around me... .that will make me feel better."

I understand that you still care about him... .but in my opinion what you are trying to do is rescue him.  After all, he was seeing a counselor, and the counselor had planned to bring it up, but he stopped seeing that counselor (another thing BPD's do... .they cannot commit to anything).  But you see... .that is his problem.  He continually puts himself in positions to short-circuit help, to avoid responsibility.  And now, you are going to try to save the day because you know, otherwise, he will never face the music.  Here's the plain truth:  he already has MORE than enough to know that something is wrong with him and to get help and stay with it.  His problem is that he keeps running away (which is typical BPD).  Let him go.  Stop trying to save him.  He already has "a place to start".  He just jumps off the race track.  This is his problem, not yours, and you can't save him from it.
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Elpis
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« Reply #5 on: November 27, 2014, 11:56:34 PM »

No matter what is wrong with any of us, we have to hit the point where we say "this isn't working, my relationships aren't working," etc. and then not only desire to change things but actually get help and start working toward change.

Nothing you say will help. Especially when that other person believes they're the one in the right anyway, cuz what could you possibly offer them?

The general understanding in the case of should I/shouldn't I tell them is that since we can only change one person--ourselves--we need to work on us and let the other guy come to his own conclusions. So if you were still in the relationship you would work on your own responses and learn tools to communicate better, etc. You'd still be able to communicate what you felt wasn't working in the relationship and then you'd see where that went and make your choices about the relationship based on those things. But the other guy has to realize they need to make changes on their own.

Really that's a blessing, we don't have to carry the burden of everyone else's relationships and lives around on our shoulders, and like was mentioned, telling someone with BPD that you think they have it will pretty much never turn out to be a positive experience. (sadly!) I've been the fixer type for years and years, and the problem is you can waste a lot of time and energy on somebody who doesn't even want to be fixed... .did it with my mother, did it with my husband. Did it with a couple of friends. How many times did I make a difference? 0. Bummer.
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bungenstein
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« Reply #6 on: November 28, 2014, 12:25:20 AM »

Also, change is basically impossible, their personality is the disorder, hence personality disorder, they cannot change their personality since its formed at a very young age, the disorder is who they are, they can only learn to cope with it better.
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CareTaker
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« Reply #7 on: November 28, 2014, 12:27:37 AM »

Excerpt
Is your ex person w/BPD aware they have the disorder?

My ex is not aware she has a disorder. She lives in a dream world, and expects everyone to fall to her feet. She thinks she is something, but in reality she is just a child in an adult body. She once said to me: I am used to so much better.

Yes, she was right. She is used to seductively getting her way with men. Any men. Any one who will give in to her demands. Her lies, cheats and abusive ways gets her what she wants and needs out of life. There is no true commitment to any relationship, just an attachment.

Excerpt
If not, when did you discover they have it and have you considered telling them

I discovered about 12 months into the relationship something serious was wrong. I knew it before, but because of circumstances at the time, she had me believing I am at fault. I always asked her to try and control her very bad mood. Then out of desperation, I did a google search on bad moods in relationships, and found the truth. I was shattered, but still willing to try and fix it. I never told her about it, eventually walked away and think it is best to just leave her in her own fantasy world. You not going to fix it. and telling someone else THEY have a disorder when they blame YOU for the relationship falling apart, will never bear any fruit. All that matters is that I know what it is like being in a real committed relationship. And this one was dysfunctional. So best is walk away and find that one that wants to share your life with you. Not suck life out of you.
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hergestridge
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« Reply #8 on: November 28, 2014, 03:48:46 AM »

My exwife is aware. But she will not admit it without a BUT. "Ok, I may have a personality disorder BUT you haven't been an easy person to live with either... .". "I know I am a diagnosed borderline, but bringing up kids can be difficult and everyone goes through a rough patch now and then... .".

When you question her about BPD she doesn't really know what it is. I can't imagine her DBT is progressing because she has no idea about her in what way her disorder affects her.
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« Reply #9 on: November 28, 2014, 03:55:15 AM »

My ex is a quiet borderline and she

Knows she has something not right about her but I don't think she has researched the disorder or knows really anything about it.
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Lion Fire
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« Reply #10 on: November 28, 2014, 04:54:43 AM »

My exBPDgf is diagnosed. She knows she has BPD and admits it (reluctantly).

However, she does nothing about it. Her sharp and cunning mind is able to rationalise and justify ALL of her behaviour- her actions and reactions. No accountability. That's on the surface. I suspect that deep down she is aware of her destructive nature but the many layers or distorted coping mechanisms and people who enable her behaviour stop her from hitting a true rock bottom. She leaps onto the next person, project or mission immediately when something crashes... .

Everyone else is always to blame for everything that goes wrong for her. She fails to see that she is the common denominator in all of the disastrous relationships. Unless she has a dramatic psychic change, the prognosis looks very bad for her from my angle.
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« Reply #11 on: November 28, 2014, 05:42:12 AM »

Reading all your comments here... .wow. As if almost ALL of you knew my ex-BPD-girlfriend... .

One question to you: What do you think happens to all these BPD-women when they get older? When they can´t get any more "supply" by seducing and manipulating and cheating... .because simply nobody cares about them anymore?
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« Reply #12 on: November 28, 2014, 05:49:54 AM »

Ex is undiagnosed (as far as I am aware) but he definitely knows something isn't 'right.'  He has a plethora of physical illnesses to hide behind as an excuse to take stronger and stronger meds and block out reality.

I did tell him the last time he stomped all over my boundaries and then raged at me when his shame hit.  Tread carefully if you expect to have any on going relationship, I only told him to encourage him to stay away from me.  Selfish I know, but so far effective.
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CareTaker
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« Reply #13 on: November 28, 2014, 05:56:40 AM »

Excerpt
What do you think happens to all these BPD-women when they get older? When they can´t get any more "supply" by seducing and manipulating and cheating... .because simply nobody cares about them anymore?

Interesting question, but I have read a few opinions on this, and who knows.

One was they the people you see at old age homes. Staring out the windows, lonely and sorry they never spent more time building happy homes. Regretting the fact they never had an opportunity to experience real love and commitment. Because of their disorder, then own family and children forget them.

Others have said you will find some of them homeless. Walking the streets at night looking for a place to sleep. No one cares for them.

My ex gets her kicks out of putting pics of herself all over the net. Any social site. She needs the assurance everyone is admiring her. She needs toy boys to tell her this every day. Therefore because she never made it as a successful model in her younger days, she would now, at age 34, book photo sessions with photographers. On her FB, model agency website (Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)) and her blog she would then load these pics under different headings, like: SUMMER 2014 SWIM SHOOT.

What a lonely world to live in. I hate to know what happens when this is no longer possible. When old age creeps up and nobody finds your pics attractive anymore.

I have also read of woman being very jealous of their children, because they no longer get any attention. This was one of the things that made me realize a future with this woman would never work. But will just be chaos.
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parisian
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« Reply #14 on: November 28, 2014, 06:20:56 AM »

I thought mine was diagnosed, although she never admitted it to me.

Lots of hints including the use of T words like acting out, co-dependency, ranting. Never heard any former healthy partners use those words before.

She once said she was 'heaps better than she used to be' when she was upset about something minor I had said. I didn't really understand what that meant at the time, and didn't ask either (eggshells). Quite a give-away tattoo.

Described herself as 'emo', said she couldn't talk about things, couldn't commit to a long-term relationship (said that right up front).

Very defensive about vulnerabilities - would never ever discuss it and would get angry if I tried.

Said she couldn't change.

I guess she didn't feel comfortable telling me she had it. I can't really imagine how hard it would be disclosing that to someone you want to have a relationship with. Although after we broke up I was a annoyed about that. If I was going out with someone who had an STD, I would really want to know. Not telling is a big breach of trust and puts your own health at risk.

With BPD, I feel like it's the same - if they know and don't tell, then that is a big breach of trust and puts your own (mental) and sadly, sometimes physical health at risk.

I wish she had told me - then I would have at least put some effort into understanding why in the heck she couldn't respond to things in a normal, healthy way, instead of just feeling confused and hurt and perplexed about her behaviour. At least then I would have known what to expect rather than going through that what the heck feeling with the way she treated me.



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.cup.car
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« Reply #15 on: November 28, 2014, 08:51:37 AM »

What do you think happens to all these BPD-women when they get older? When they can´t get any more "supply" by seducing and manipulating and cheating... .because simply nobody cares about them anymore?

My mom's 52. I never recalled any "friends" she had around from when I was younger. She made friends with other moms when I went to school, but there was a cycle of spending a bunch of time with them and then deciding after a few years they were "bad people" and then dropping all of them. Did this with my aunt too; she'll still call her and act like they're best friends, only to rage at her a month later and spread a bunch of stories about my aunt and that side of the family.

She mostly just tags along with my dad for whatever he does. For example, my dad coaches high school football, and she's the team photographer. When I played she would constantly flirt with both my teammates (who were like 16), as well as the numerous other coaches. It was really embarrassing. Their finances are fine though. She works at my old high school as a librarian's assistant, basically babysitting kids.

She's a photographer for another sporting event as well. Sometimes I tag along with her because it's our one shared interest, and there have been a few encounters like this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJnp-q8X96M

It's embarrassing. But for the most part she keeps it together and just sort of hovers around my dad and does everything with him. I guess eventually they latch onto someone for life, but anytime I've asked her about their history just in an innocent way, she always repeats the same story of "I was the only one who went to his halloween party one year and I kept blowing him off but then I found out he had a lot of money saved and he proposed three months later."

And then the classic story of "I only went to high school for one year but I had five boyfriends... .is that bad?"

---

---

Not gonna say where I work cause it's nothing overly exciting, but we hired a lady in her early 50's. This was earlier this year so just the vibes she gave off alone gave me some real sketchy feelings. All I can really describe her as is a crazy cat lady. Really friendly, but like, a type of supercharged happiness. Lots of people thought she was hoped up on pills a few days but we don't really have a formal process for doing anything at my job, so our manager just sort of monitored it. Got to the point where she aggressively pursued the gay guy at work (who was 19) despite having a husband she talked about all the time. He rejected her advances several times. Eventually she freaked out and claimed he was running slave labor and that she'd complain to head office about him.

So it can go both ways.

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« Reply #16 on: November 28, 2014, 10:08:31 AM »

My exbf was aware, but I wouldn't recommend trying to bring it up to him. 

I have a friend who's diagnosed and in therapy, and he struggles mightily with it.

Like others have said, the problem is that the disorder is their personality. It's very difficult to "overcome" a personality disorder, even if the person is aware and committed (a rare combination). They can certainly learn healthier coping skills, and how to better manage themselves. But awareness alone does not necessarily translate to a willingness to work on oneself, and in fact can lead to more self-loathing when the person can't "conquer" their disorder/behavior.
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« Reply #17 on: November 28, 2014, 01:37:38 PM »

I dated my ex for 7 months with one recycle during that time.

I had a suspicion that she had emotional problems due to her past and rages and her fear of being left by me.  Then after our relationship ended i read all about BPD and she fit 7-8 of the criteria.  I decided to write her a letter and tell her what i thought she had, because her behavior was completely out of order and it WAS the factor that killed our relationship. 

She denied she has BPD and told me i was the one with problems.  We left it at that.

I was happy to communicate to her what i needed to say.  I don't really care what her reaction is to me.  What i want is for her to become aware of what happened and to ask herself some honest questions with the hope that one day she will get the courage to talk about all that with someone and seek help.  I am no longer interested in if we ever get back together.  I just want her to get out of this hell she is in and experience a somewhat normal, happy, love-filled life with someone.   But to do that she needs to get the proper help.  I pray she does.
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« Reply #18 on: November 28, 2014, 01:41:31 PM »

Mine has no idea. She went to therapy but lied to and manipulated the therapist... .so there was no diagnosis of BPD for who she presented. 

She won't change... .all the lying, manipulating and playing victim works REALLY well for her.  She is not going to change something that works so well.  She is never alone... .and she has all the power.
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lm911
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« Reply #19 on: November 28, 2014, 01:54:53 PM »

DO NOT tell them!  It will backfire.  "Splitting" by Randi Kreger and countless other sources I have read recommend AGAINST telling someone they are disordered.

I do believe that most disordered persons are fully aware that they are quite a different breed - but also live in a place of superiority…resting largely and comfortably in the notion that EVERYONE around them has a problem.  It's all quite disturbing.

As for your questions, I found out about BPD, drug addiction, and criminal behavior while my uBPD/ASPDexH was essentially splitting.  It was like a landfall of hell.

I told mine after she tried to beat me. Why should be careful with them, when they are not? They have a disorder but this does not make them ill or sth like that in order to feel sorry for them.
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Faith1520
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« Reply #20 on: November 28, 2014, 02:07:35 PM »

Thank you all for the responses.

My ex knew that something wasn't right with him. On a good day he could be very rational, admitting his faults, apologizing for the way he's acted, agreeing that he needed to get better. He once told me that he felt like there was a storm inside him (counselor believes he has PTSD as well) He even sought out counseling on his own. Despite all of that, it ultimately came back to what I did wrong. He said I never think I do anything wrong or take responsibility for anything and made everything to be his fault and made him look like the bad guy, a "monster" I now know all about projection…

In retrospect, I can see that as time went on he took less and less responsibility for the way in which his actions contributed to the problems of the relationship. Even as our counseling progressed, arguments got more intense, more dramatic, and the blaming was worse. He said the counselor and I were a team and were against him. As if I slipped him a $20 before each session. 

.cup.car - It's like you said, their denial and acceptance changes based on their mood. I remember often wondering how he could be sorry for something one minute and then be defending it the next, or vice versa.

Hope0807 - I've read that as well… If I was still in the relationship, I'd leave it up to the counselor, but I figure at this point what do I have to lose. He's already painted me black. I am over trying to change him for the sake of the relationship and I have no hopes of reuniting… I just thought I'd do one last good deed as a compassionate human being and show him the information. If he's in a rational state of mind, I don't see how he can deny to himself that the symptoms fit him. Worst that could happen is he continues hating me and stays in denial. I can definitely see everyone's points, I just worry that if I don't do it I will regret keeping it from him.

OutOfEgypt - I think you said it well. Some part of them knows it, but they bury that part because it's too painful to deal with… so it always comes back to the fault of whoever is around them. So sad.

Elpis - Good points. I am learning that in the books I've been reading. You always hear that you can't make people change, but it's something I've had to live through to truly understand.

Almostmarried - I think they live very lonely lives, whether they are constantly in and out of relationships or live in a very unhappy marriage. What scared me the most about picturing a future with my ex is the thought of having children with him. After all the reading I did on how they can so negatively affect their children's lives as well, it made me sick to think about.

CareTaker - You are probably right. It is so sad about your ex and her obvious need for attention. It blows my mind some of the seemingly childish things people with this disorder will do or say.

FrenchConnection - That is exactly how I feel and why part of me wants to tell him.
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« Reply #21 on: November 28, 2014, 02:53:52 PM »

DO NOT tell them!  It will backfire.  "Splitting" by Randi Kreger and countless other sources I have read recommend AGAINST telling someone they are disordered.

I do believe that most disordered persons are fully aware that they are quite a different breed - but also live in a place of superiority…resting largely and comfortably in the notion that EVERYONE around them has a problem.  It's all quite disturbing.

As for your questions, I found out about BPD, drug addiction, and criminal behavior while my uBPD/ASPDexH was essentially splitting.  It was like a landfall of hell.

I agree with this. I have absolutely no contact with mine... .

She is undiagnosed and I did not know about BPD until after our relationship. I found our about BPD in a quest for my pain and healing... .I was focusing on me but somehow my search lead me to the BPD info and everything just fits... .and I identify with everyone here.

If things were different and I was in a place to be able to tell her what I believe is true, I would not tell her. She would not take it well and if she did she would do nothing about it.   The short time that she had in therapy she told the therapist a bucket of lies.

That is a sick person in the right room who can/will get no help. Its twisted and sad.
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« Reply #22 on: November 28, 2014, 03:01:41 PM »

Faith,

I totally get the desire to want to tell him, I've been much the same way in many relationships, feeling some compulsion to at least tell the person what I see. Sometimes it works out, but generally I could end up repeating the same words over and over to the person because they aren't at a place in their life to hear it--like you said about only understanding something once you yourself had lived through it.

My therapist always says, "Live your boundaries." I'm a talker, so I always want to explain things, like my side, or what the consequence of this action will likely be, stuff like that. So learning to just live my boundaries has been tough! I always wanted to say to my uBPDh "when you talk to me like that, talking down to me like i'm stupid, I don't want to be around you" instead of just telling him "i'm taking the dog for a walk now" and leaving. It's like the old writing saying, "show don't tell."

Telling him will be something you do for YOU, not for him. The reasons for his behavior don't matter as much as him coming to a realization that he's lost a really great person because of things he did, and then pursuing help to change those things. That's where the magic happens.

That's something you can decide, if it's a big enough deal to you that you want to tell him about it for yourself. If it's about helping him, often people are put off by the stigma of a personality disorder rather than inspired to go check it out. But you know him more than we do. Even getting help for PTSD would help since there are some similarities and cross-over traits between BPD and Complex PTSD.

But he has to want to get help for himself.
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« Reply #23 on: November 28, 2014, 03:39:54 PM »

"Telling him will be something you do for YOU, not for him. The reasons for his behavior don't matter as much as him coming to a realization that he's lost a really great person because of things he did, and then pursuing help to change those things."

Elpis

The person that I was with was not in anyway capable of that.   She got into a relationship behind my back, pulled the pedestal out from underneath me and inserted it under her new object of worship and ran off to him a week before Christmas, saying that there was no one else in her life. I was painted black as soon as the new knight entered the room. (whenever that was I will never know). I would be chasing windmills to think to myself or to try to convince my ex that she has "discarded" a really great person.  Not going to happen. What she thinks is none of my business. I just keep the focus on me.  I'm all I have!    Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #24 on: November 28, 2014, 03:58:21 PM »

Infared,

You're so right about so many of our BPD relationships! Most don't have that capacity for clarity like Faith mentioned her ex having. I know my husband doesn't seem to have the capacity either. I guess my thought was more about the fact that our ex won't change until they come to some sort of realization that they've screwed up. Many won't. They'll just go on believing their faulty thinking is true, and it was really all our fault. But it boils down to the fact that WE cannot change THEM, that part's on them.

And you're so right, all we have is ourselves, and that's where we need to focus. That's been hard for me to learn. I was married 38 years and I'm the one who chose to leave in order to find some healing of my very bruised soul. It's been a weird dance with myself learning that I can only control what I do. I was so very used to trying to "manage" my uBPDh's emotions, if that makes sense. Trying to keep the holidays pleasant, that sort of thing. It's only been the past 2 years that I was able to pull back and let him have his dark little holiday tantrum and not intervene "for the sake of the family." It's been really hard for me to accept that he gets to feel however he wants to feel and act however he wants to act. But i'm trying. My h's moments of insight have been few and far between, and he always goes back to what's comfortable, which is being the cranky, complaining, self-centered dude he turned into, where everything is somebody or something else's fault.

And i'm so sorry for the ugly stuff you had to go through--so awful. And that's a part of this BPD puzzle I can't possibly understand the feelings of, that being disposable and all that must do to your head. And you're right, we have to work on ourselves. SO MUCH TO LEARN AND SO LITTLE TIME!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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maternal
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« Reply #25 on: November 28, 2014, 04:06:40 PM »

My ex has a diagnosis from a professional.  He received this diagnosis during an "off" time for us at an early stage of our relationship - at least, I think that's when he had finally decided to go to therapy.  He was very vague about when he was diagnosed, but, not surprisingly, he is in strong denial and believes that all therapists and therapy in general are the most horrible thing on this planet... .aside from me, of course 

I was willing to work with him, his diagnosis and his recovery, because I did believe him and believe in him.  He, however, does not feel the same way as myself.

All I can do is shrug it out.  His loss... .
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« Reply #26 on: November 28, 2014, 05:05:17 PM »

Infared,

You're so right about so many of our BPD relationships! Most don't have that capacity for clarity like Faith mentioned her ex having. I know my husband doesn't seem to have the capacity either. I guess my thought was more about the fact that our ex won't change until they come to some sort of realization that they've screwed up. Many won't. They'll just go on believing their faulty thinking is true, and it was really all our fault. But it boils down to the fact that WE cannot change THEM, that part's on them.

And you're so right, all we have is ourselves, and that's where we need to focus. That's been hard for me to learn. I was married 38 years and I'm the one who chose to leave in order to find some healing of my very bruised soul. It's been a weird dance with myself learning that I can only control what I do. I was so very used to trying to "manage" my uBPDh's emotions, if that makes sense. Trying to keep the holidays pleasant, that sort of thing. It's only been the past 2 years that I was able to pull back and let him have his dark little holiday tantrum and not intervene "for the sake of the family." It's been really hard for me to accept that he gets to feel however he wants to feel and act however he wants to act. But i'm trying. My h's moments of insight have been few and far between, and he always goes back to what's comfortable, which is being the cranky, complaining, self-centered dude he turned into, where everything is somebody or something else's fault.

And i'm so sorry for the ugly stuff you had to go through--so awful. And that's a part of this BPD puzzle I can't possibly understand the feelings of, that being disposable and all that must do to your head. And you're right, we have to work on ourselves. SO MUCH TO LEARN AND SO LITTLE TIME!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Yes, yes and YES! LOL!  I don't like to throw the word co-dependent around as it is an over-used and misunderstood.  ... .but I think it's pretty clear these relationships with pwBPD are unhealthy.  ... .and the nature of the pwBPD makes the relationships ripe for co-dependency in a real unhealthy way. I know mine was and I was definitely not healthy either. She was boosting my self-esteem in an unhealthy way(something that I need to do on my own), and I was in full rescue mode. What a man I was.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) LOL!  I have been single since then except for a short 9-month relationship that I ended... and have gone to therapy, group therapy and self help groups to work on my stuff. I may never embark on another relationship... .just keep trying to get comfortable in my own skin.

Being friends with someone that I suffered through a dysfunctional mess with, especially when the other person sees no problem with their behavior, just isn't a good idea for my recovery and healing.  That's just my take on my situation, though.

I just wanted to ad that the short relationship that I ended I was able to remain friends with that person, as we had an adult break-up where we discussed things and let some time go by before the friends stuff. I wasn't' the ugly dishonest abandonment (that my ex called a break-up) that was the ending of my relationship with my pwBPD. Kind of impossible to be friends with a person who treated me and our relationship like that!
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« Reply #27 on: November 28, 2014, 05:26:34 PM »

Elpis - 38 years, wow! You are a strong person to work up the courage and confidence to finally leave! Good for you.

I'm a talker, too. I would always try to explain myself when I thought there was a misunderstanding (which I realize now they are inevitable due to the disorder) The biggest mistake I made in the relationship was not setting boundaries. I didn't know how important they are in dealing with someone with this disorder until I began my researching, which wasn't until a month before the relationship ended. I know I cannot blame myself for not knowing and I realize that even if I had set boundaries, the relationship still would have failed, just maybe a little sooner.

I think you're right that it would be something I did for myself. Like I said, regardless of how he reacts to it I think I will feel better for having brought it to his attention. I wouldn't have guessed in a million years the problem behind his behaviors was a personality disorder, and he may not either. PTSD was my best guess and the only thing that put that in my mind is he mentioned that his ex thought he had it. Personality disorders don't get nearly enough attention. After all I have learned I think they're responsible for a lot of wrongdoings in this world... .and what's most sad is that a lot of these disorders stem from poor parenting.
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« Reply #28 on: November 29, 2014, 01:37:49 AM »

Like others have said, the problem is that the disorder is their personality.

I don't think can be said enough. I think it's a problem that we keep viewing personality disorders as if they were diseases. We keep imagining that the pwBPD is a once healthy person that has at some point become "ill" and that can be reverted to the original "good" condition.

I read hundreds of posts here of "nons" who believe exactly this, and I am afraid they are wasting their time.

I think this view comes from the notion that people are essentialy good, combined with the fact that BPD is treated by psychiatry as if it was cureable condition. You have to talk to an awful lot of people before someone even hints at the truth - that the patient IS the illness.

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« Reply #29 on: November 29, 2014, 02:32:25 AM »

My ex admitted ONE time only that he knows he doesn't think the way other people think. He said if anyone could get into his mind, they would lock him up and throw away the key.

He could go from the nicest guy to a raging lunatic as fast as lightening strikes. Anything real or imagined could set him off. Lies and denial were his middle names and nothing or nobody could fix it.

He knew and he didn't care; it was his personality and he was happy that way.

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