The BPD Indifference

[anxiety5]

My relationship followed all the similar patterns of idealization, promises, shock and awe event, followed by cheating, then desperation for another chance, tumultuous conflict, push/pull and then what I would call the indifference.

Did you all experience the BPD Indifference? It's a painful stage, that I'm not sure was just my situation but I've read it's part of the end stages. We were not yet broken up. I was hyper aware of my surroundings, so I'm fairly certain there was no cheating going on. This stage was almost the deadened equilibrium if you will of extensive push pull cycles. I admit looking back I got caught up in the drama. But for each time things seemed bleak, we had these amazing rebound periods where everything became incredible again. Much like a ball swinging back and forth though, eventually the energy seems to fade. The swings become less dramatic but still present. Eventually things settle down to a stagnant indifference.

Her mood was no longer engaging, her attention was not really present, her love seemed distant, and even her hate seemed to fade away. When we were apart because of travel, the texts were infrequent and emotionless and this is what made me leave. I could no longer put in so much effort, and try to make things work with someone so detached and aloof.

Did anyone else experience this and was this the end game for you as well?

[mrshambles]

Yup. Been there. I think that's when the dysregulate or however you spell it. I've seen that mode so many times (recycled 20+ time in 4 1/2 years). I always called it her "dead state". They can't be reasoned with, seem to care nothing about anything, only want out out out. That was always the end. Then separation, then her charming, then reengage. For me it got to be like clock work. This last time she left, she said the usual "I don't love you" etc. I have heard this so much I just laughed and didn't even argue. I was done. But yes Ive noticed it too.

[HappyNihilist]

Did you all experience the BPD Indifference? It's a painful stage, that I'm not sure was just my situation but I've read it's part of the end stages. We were not yet broken up. I was hyper aware of my surroundings, so I'm fairly certain there was no cheating going on. This stage was almost the deadened equilibrium if you will of extensive push pull cycles.

This is an apt description, anxiety. It makes a lot of sense to me, personally. High intensity can't be sustained, after all. Where healthy relationships account for this with mutual comfort, respect, and companionship, unhealthy relationships don't have that foundation. In a BPD relationship, the high intensity, instability, and unhealthiness are especially great, and one almost-certain result is complete exhaustion.

When we were apart because of travel, the texts were infrequent and emotionless and this is what made me leave. I could no longer put in so much effort, and try to make things work with someone so detached and aloof.

My exbf was like this every time we were apart because of work travel. I think a big part of it has to do with their lack of object constancy. But it was even worse during the last few months of the relationship, when we were in the Indifference stage; there was an added level of distance and detachment there. It's also what finally drove me to the brink and eventually led to our breakup.

Did anyone else experience this and was this the end game for you as well?

This was the end game in my experience, too. I don't presume to truly understand how anyone thinks, much less my disordered exbf, but I feel like the Indifferent stage was the result of his emotional withdrawal after the excitement had finally run its course for him. From things he's said (during the r/s and breakup, and since), I think it was his way of pushing me away without having to actually be the bad guy and pull the trigger.

I found the Indifference stage to be incredibly painful, like you did, anxiety. That's one of the most damaging experiences of my r/s to me. It felt to me like a withdrawal of love and acceptance, a rejection of my innermost self, and it reinforced all those negative feelings that I work so hard to fight: being unlovable, being unworthy, not being good enough as I am, etc. Eight months out, and I'm still very much struggling with this.

[Hawk Ridge]

The indifference described here is painfully familiar

[anxiety5]

The indifference described here is painfully familiar

It is very painful. I'm not a pushover. I'm very assertive. Rage never beat me into submission, it was indifference that did. When someone is detached, you don't feel you have the privilege of engaging them in dialogue about their behavior or to try and work on things. Their actions speaks for itself in this case. And the realization that I had been cheated on twice, devalued, disrespected and essentially gave myself until I was empty to someone who  was left not even caring as I was still trying to work through it, defeated me completely.

If anyone is reading this in a relationship but not married to someone like this, I want you to ask yourself a simple question. Do you KNOW underneath your denial, that it's not going to work out? I think I did, I think we all do/did on some level. My advice would be, GET OUT now. Before the ultimate devaluation of indifference occurs. It will break your will, and destroy every last ounce of your dignity. Save what's left by leaving once the answer to the question above is YES.

[billypilgrim]

The indifference described here is painfully familiar

It is very painful. I'm not a pushover. I'm very assertive. Rage never beat me into submission, it was indifference that did. When someone is detached, you don't feel you have the privilege of engaging them in dialogue about their behavior or to try and work on things. Their actions speaks for itself in this case. And the realization that I had been cheated on twice, devalued, disrespected and essentially gave myself until I was empty to someone who  was left not even caring as I was still trying to work through it, defeated me completely.

I definitely went through this.  And it was at the end.  I convinced myself that things weren't the way they were and I honestly didn't realize that I was excusing/covering everything until just recently.  But I remember the indifference killing me.  I pulled out all the stops to try to "woo" her all over again to get back to those high times.  I thought we were there - she seemed back.  She was sending me kids names and we were planning our next house.  Then poof, she literally woke up and left.   And I've never felt emptier or more taken advantage of in my life.  And I still feel the guilt that I didn't do enough or that I'm somehow inadequate.  The fact that I threw everything at the r/s only to be met with rejection destroyed me.   I know your pain too well and I really hadn't thought about it in the way you phrased it.

[Blimblam]

Anxiety5

I am very very familiar with the indifference. It is soul crushing. I have been with 2 borderlines. They were both were quiet borderlines but the first would rage and push pull. The second the devaluing consisted of inward dysregulation then indifference then pull. Then rejecting me in a thousand tiny ways then pull then repeat. It was destroying me. It was much much more hurtful than any rage i went through with my first BPD ex.

I have likened the indifference to the detached protector mode of the schema model. It is extremely confusing and any responses I received in this mode had multiple layers of denial and projection in her responses.

[WhatTheFrank]

I understand the indifference.  Over the two and a half years, I tried to initiate many breakups (hello FOG!), but the last breakup was mutually initiated (but mostly her having new supply and me just being exhausted)...   I knew she was already with someone else, and after weeks of silent treatment I finally brought up that we were done.  We were "friends" for a couple days until she needed more from me than a "friend" should ever provide. Talk to your new boyfriend about these problems - oh wait, you're still in idealization stage so its'all golden while I make myself scarce.

[Deeno02]

Oh yes. Towards the end, the indifference was staggering. Seemed like it didn't matter if I was over at the house or not. Didn't seem to care what I was doing as the texts fell off. Seemed indifferent if I texted or not. Cut me out of her kids schedules, events, etc. Cut herself out of my kids lives as well. Had the flu and was dehydrated, passed at at work, taken to ER. No concern shown. Yet I was forever bombarded with "treat me special or lose me". What about me? Well, never happened. Wasn't good enough.

[guy4caligirl]

Did they take the same behavior class or what ?

Unfortunaly we all hurt now , but it's not for ever we will come out of it sooner or latter, they won't they will always hurt and live in denial and act all their life but when the day is over they feel miserable and worth than us  , It's just sad they don't listen... .Maybe they become indifferent so they can survive ? 

[Craydar]

This, I felt, was the most painful part of the devaluation and it most definitely signifies the end is near. Indifference is non-existence, empty and hollow. If they love you or hate you, they are still both brain occupying emotions. It says you are on their radar and as we all know, those emotions can change at a moments notice. Indifference means you no longer emotionally exist to them. It's their way of removing themselves from the relationship without having to take on any more emotional hardship. Nons with empathy just don't have this gene.