If I was such scum, why did she hang on for so long?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I don't think that are ever 100% about anybody at any point ever. Except for themselves. That's the exact reason why trust is a virtue, not a feeling.

Trust -

1. Having confidence in others; lacking suspicion.

Virtue -

1.goodness: the quality of being morally good or righteous

2.good quality: a quality that is morally good

3.admirable quality: a quality that is good or admirable, but not necessarily in terms of morality


Maybe we're just polar opposites for them and either way in this particular relationship dynamic, someone, if not everyone (including BPD's), are going to suffer some amount of trauma. My sweet darling was able to reach my core being. If I wasn't so resentful right now I might just crack a smile.

My exBPD was neither virtuous, nor trustworthy. Does that mean I am not as well? Keep digging inside... .

I just came to realize where my confidence is... .I gave it away to her. She sucked it right out of me. Every last drop. Vampire!

I keep all of my windows and doors locked for my own safety... .

[Sandman1881]

I don't think that are ever 100% about anybody at any point ever. Except for themselves. That's the exact reason why trust is a virtue, not a feeling.

Trust -

1. Having confidence in others; lacking suspicion.

Virtue -

1.goodness: the quality of being morally good or righteous

2.good quality: a quality that is morally good

3.admirable quality: a quality that is good or admirable, but not necessarily in terms of morality


Maybe we're just polar opposites for them and either way in this particular relationship dynamic, someone, if not everyone (including BPD's), are going to suffer some amount of trauma. My sweet darling was able to reach my core being. If I wasn't so resentful right now I might just crack a smile.

My exBPD was neither virtuous, nor trustworthy. Does that mean I am not as well? Keep digging inside... .

I just came to realize where my confidence is... .I gave it away to her. She sucked it right out of me. Every last drop. Vampire!

I keep all of my windows and doors locked for my own safety... .

[peiper]

This is a point my T asked me. If I was such a rotten SOB why did she leave five times and always call wanting to come home.

[GoodThingsToCome]

After the breakup with my ex, I was painted black and made out to be abusive, controlling and somebody who had made her into someone that she didn't want to be, i.e. she had sacrificed everything for me.

When I remove her feelings and look at the facts:

- My relationship with her was by far the longest she had ever had.

- She told me over and over again how it was the happiest she had ever been in her life.

- She said for the first time she had thought of marriage and kids.

Those around also asked me the question: if I was such a terrible boyfriend, why did she hang around for so long? The truth is that the abandonment of the relationship is so painful for them that they will say anything to make themselves seem better off afterwards, and to justify their actions in the R/S.

The same question can be asked of me though... .my co-dependence kept me in that relationship even though I knew it wasn't healthy. The major difference here is that I was never abusive to her and I can honestly say that all I did was try keep the relationship together and working.

[billypilgrim]

1.) You aren't scum.  This is her way of convincing herself to leave.  If you aren't scum, she can't leave.  It speaks to the black/white nature of how they view things.  There cannot be any conflict with how she views you so you are either all bad or all good.  If she thinks she needs to leave (whatever the reason, mine said she had a feeling in her gut - among other asinine things) then you are scum.  You'll likely not be scum sometime in the future and someone else will take your place.

2.) You most likely are trustworthy and virtuous, as that is what drew her to you in the first place.  She saw something in you that she lacked in herself.  So she sucked it out of you.  Focus on this and yourself and you will find your confidence again.

I know exactly how you are feeling, I'm right there with you.  It blows.

[Sandman1881]

I don't think that are ever 100% about anybody at any point ever. Except for themselves. That's the exact reason why trust is a virtue, not a feeling.


I'd like to correct the above statement to read:

I don't think that are ever 100% about anybody at any point ever. Except for themselves. That's the exact reason why trust is a virtue, not just a feeling.

Thank you.

P.S. I didn't leave, I escaped.

[Infared]

2.) You most likely are trustworthy and virtuous, as that is what drew her to you in the first place.  She saw something in you that she lacked in herself.  So she sucked it out of you.  Focus on this and yourself and you will find your confidence again.

I know exactly how you are feeling, I'm right there with you.  It blows.

That is soo true... .If I could just remember  that more often it would take the edge off when I get depressed.

[Perfidy]

Because she was using you

[Sandman1881]

Because she was using you

Thank you. For some reason I never though of that.

[peiper]

They are definitely users. We all need to keep that in mind for when they try to recycle which they usually do. Its not because they love us, it's because they need their supply to make them whole.