Indifference During Sex

[Earthbayne]

I've noticed a lot of people say that their BPD was a very sexual person and was really into it. Yet, for some reason, mine was pretty indifferent during sex. Like, she was stuck in neutral while it was happening, and sex was just another thing that was happening. She never seemed to really enjoy it until she'd be close to an orgasm. And even then after, she'd go back to neutral. It was as if she couldn't or wouldn't allow herself to enjoy it at all. She might as well have been doing the dishes or taking out the garbage, for all I knew.

Don't get me wrong, there were quite a few times that she would be rocking my world, but if I looked straight at her, her face had somewhat of a blank stare. MAYBE she'd crack a smile, but unless a lot of alcohol was involved, she simply displayed ZERO emotion. Looking back now, that was rather jarring and being caught up in the moment seemed to play that off for me.

I was always afraid I wasn't pleasing her because I'd get little to no reaction other than the orgasm, when with other non's, it was an experience from beginning to end.

Anyone else?

[BuildingFromScratch]

Mine didn't like sex, was never comfortable with it and mainly did it just for me. I was also rejected a ton sexually. Honestly this drastically affected my self esteem. And yeah she was indifferent, tons of times, but that was mainly after the devaluation started.

[Pingo]

Earthbayne, I know what you mean about the blank stare and lack of emotion.  He was always willing and eager to have sex, even when I was not, but it was sometimes really odd.  Like nothing I've experienced.  I would have my eyes closed lost in the moment, enjoying myself and look up to see that blank look.  Like physically he was obviously into it but didn't or couldn't express any intensity.  Almost like he was just watching my reactions and ignoring his own experience.  I craved intimacy with him but never felt satisfied that I had achieved it.  There was always something missing, emotionally.

[hergestridge]

Sounds familiar. My exwife had a peculiar attitude towards sex, as it was somehow just a lot of hard work that resulted in climax. I know she had a number of very specific scanrios/fantasies that she needed to get into in order to reach orgasm. Eventually our sex life consisted around her having masturbation sessions to which I was granted audience, where she was far away in her own dream world. After she was finished (which could take a really long time), I could do "my thing". I could not do "my thing" for very long though, because since she had "finished" she began to dry up and complain that she was sore after a few minutes.

As a conclusion, I was more or less a sidekick in our sexlife, not conntected at all to the person I was having sex with.

[Earthbayne]

Earthbayne, I know what you mean about the blank stare and lack of emotion. I would have my eyes closed lost in the moment, enjoying myself and look up to see that blank look.  Like physically he was obviously into it but didn't or couldn't express any intensity.  Almost like he was just watching my reactions and ignoring his own experience.  I craved intimacy with him but never felt satisfied that I had achieved it.  There was always something missing, emotionally.

YES, this is exactly it.

It got to the point where I'd rather have sex with the lights off, because then I couldn't see her. It was weird, I never thought much about it. She had told me that no man had ever made her reach an orgasm either orally or penetration (only once and apparently accidental), so I'm wondering if it was because she felt a disconnect. But she did orgasm with me almost everytime, but throughout the whole thing, I might as well be having intercourse with a sexbot. It was ALWAYS blank. When she was drunk, MAYBE she'd show SOME emotion but I am pretty sure she was mirroring me. In the beginning, I didn't mind it much because I just thought it was awesome, awkward sex... .but as time passed by, it felt like a business transaction more than anything else, and eventually a chore.

[Pingo]

but as time passed by, it felt like a business transaction more than anything else, and eventually a chore.

Yep this is how I felt too and assumed, being the woman with the lower sex drive, it was because I was inadequate or hormonally imbalanced.  I was so detached from my real feelings I actually started taking hormone therapy!  It didn't help.  On occasion he'd let his guard down and there was some real passion I felt from him.  Typing this I just got an ah-ha moment... .I just realised that when I pointed out times that I really felt were amazing and intimate, he'd inevitably ruin it the next time... .For instance, I told him that I really enjoyed kissing him and would like more of that.  So while we were kissing one time, I was lying on my back and he cranked my head bc apparently I was not holding my head in the correct position and he was getting a sore neck!  After this I became really self-conscious of kissing him, afraid that I was inadequate!  Then another time he was cuddled up behind me in bed and started kissing the back of my neck which led from one thing to the next and it was very passionate.  I told him the next day how much I enjoyed that, how sensual it was for me.  Then the next time he started to kiss the back of my neck my hair was in his face and he ended up annoyed!  Like what the heck?  What was that all about?  He had to keep things mechanical?  Or he had to be in control?  Or he had to make me feel inadequate?  I had never felt so inadequate before in a r/s.  Up until then I thought I was pretty sexy and capable.  I began to avoid sex which made my sense of inadequacy even lower.

[hergestridge]

  So while we were kissing one time, I was lying on my back and he cranked my head bc apparently I was not holding my head in the correct position and he was getting a sore neck!  After this I became really self-conscious of kissing him, afraid that I was inadequate!  Then another time he was cuddled up behind me in bed and started kissing the back of my neck which led from one thing to the next and it was very passionate.  I told him the next day how much I enjoyed that, how sensual it was for me.  Then the next time he started to kiss the back of my neck my hair was in his face and he ended up annoyed!  Like what the heck? 

WOW, does that sound familiar? It was never comfortable enough. I was constantly told my exwife that she had lost focus because something I had done had annoyed her (the hair springs to mind). Or that something she had done herself had annoyed her (wrong position, too hot, too cold). She was often so frustrated by her own difficulty to orgasm that she ended up being in a bad mood. Give her some alcohol and that problem was history. It's all thought-loops and negative thinking.

[Pingo]

  So while we were kissing one time, I was lying on my back and he cranked my head bc apparently I was not holding my head in the correct position and he was getting a sore neck!  After this I became really self-conscious of kissing him, afraid that I was inadequate!  Then another time he was cuddled up behind me in bed and started kissing the back of my neck which led from one thing to the next and it was very passionate.  I told him the next day how much I enjoyed that, how sensual it was for me.  Then the next time he started to kiss the back of my neck my hair was in his face and he ended up annoyed!  Like what the heck? 

WOW, does that sound familiar? It was never comfortable enough. I was constantly told my exwife that she had lost focus because something I had done had annoyed her (the hair springs to mind). Or that something she had done herself had annoyed her (wrong position, too hot, too cold). She was often so frustrated by her own difficulty to orgasm that she ended up being in a bad mood. Give her some alcohol and that problem was history. It's all thought-loops and negative thinking.

The last time we were intimate before our first BU (we recycled once) I had to stop what we were doing bc I was getting a muscle cramp and he flopped back on the bed totally irritated!  Like somehow that was an insult to him that I was getting a muscle cramp!  I just laid there in disbelief, tears rolled silently down my face and we just eventually went to sleep, never to finish.  Hard to get over these instances.  I am really wondering how this will play out in my next r/s, if I'll ever get back to feeling like the person I was before I met him, someone who was fairly sexually confidant and open minded.