is she living a lie?

[caughtnreleased]

So, I usually post on here about my uBPD mom, but my sister has some pretty strong BPD traits as well.   What I find puzzling, is that despite our spending time together, I feel as though she tries to give different people different impressions of her life.  My parents, who essentially are being pulled into her life to assist her (she is kind of waif-ish with them, and then will go into occasional rages with them) will give me one vision of her, and she gives me a different vision of herself.  For example:

My sister recently took a leave from her current job, and decided to try a different job.  My parents had to help her with babysitting for about a month because she was very taken by the training.  I asked my mother how the new job was going and she responded that my sister hated it, and that she was seriously considering quitting right after the training.  I then asked my sister about it, and she said, hmmm, it's pretty good. I have some good perks, it would be great if I could do xyz, but we'll see for the moment, it's working out for me.

Similarly, my sister never says a SINGLE thing about her husband.  When I am around, he will say things to her like: "Hon that dress you wore earlier today for our family picture was really nice.  Where did you get it? You looked great in it", and will pretend to be helpful husband.  I say pretend, because it feels fabricated.  When he says that to my sister, she's kind of put off a bit... .and answers him matter of factly.  Why not complement her on the dress she was wearing WHEN she was wearing it, instead of waiting when I'm around to pretend to be a good husband.  Anyway, I have ZERO insight into my sisters marriage from her. She NEVER says a thing about her husband to me. Not EVER!  I have spilled the honest beans about men I've dated... .  I'm a bit of a blabbermouth and tend to spill more than I should actually... .Gotta work on that one.  But my sister does not respond to my spilling of the beans.   

My mother, on the other hand, is constantly complaining about him being a control freak.  And I have seen signs of it, both with their kids and with my sister. 

I find this all really strange, because I don't know what the reality is, and it seems like my sister is trying to paint a certain reality of herself that does not ring true. I'm starting to suspect she is living a lie with me, but then painting her situation as extremely difficult to my parents in order to drag them in to help her.  Does anyone else have insight into their family that might reflect something like this? Should I even care if she's living a lie?  As I think about it, I do care, because she is my sister, and she is presenting herself to be something she is not to her own sister.  Perhaps the one person she is closest to... .I don't know.  I don't see her having very many close friends either, and I know her husband has been jealous of some friendships she's had.  What's bothersome is that I am trying to understand what reality is, because I suspect she lying.

[K1313]

So, I usually post on here about my uBPD mom, but my sister has some pretty strong BPD traits as well.   What I find puzzling, is that despite our spending time together, I feel as though she tries to give different people different impressions of her life.  My parents, who essentially are being pulled into her life to assist her (she is kind of waif-ish with them, and then will go into occasional rages with them) will give me one vision of her, and she gives me a different vision of herself.  For example:

My sister recently took a leave from her current job, and decided to try a different job.  My parents had to help her with babysitting for about a month because she was very taken by the training.  I asked my mother how the new job was going and she responded that my sister hated it, and that she was seriously considering quitting right after the training.  I then asked my sister about it, and she said, hmmm, it's pretty good. I have some good perks, it would be great if I could do xyz, but we'll see for the moment, it's working out for me.

This sounds like it could have more to do with your BPD mother than your sister. I say this because my BPD mother will often tell me about how each of my brothers are so unhappy/upset with x but then when I talk to them they turn out to be doing just fine. Meanwhile, I often get comments from family, friends and acquaintences that my mother is worried about me and she told them how I was struggling with [insert whatever here] and most of the time I'm super confused as to what they're talking about.

So what I've come to realize is that it's not so much that different versions are being presented but what she's retaining colors the version she presents. Put another way, because BPDs tend to operate in a sort of permanent crisis mode, they retain the negative details no matter how many positive ones there are. For me, if I talk to my mother and I mention four things that are great about my life she doesn't tell people about that. Rather she will latch onto the one passing semi-negative thing I mentioned. So my electric bill being kind of high one month will, with her, become that I'm struggling financially and can't afford to heat my house.

Is it possible that your mother is doing something similiar? Maybe your sister talked to her and said some passing "I'm not sure how I feel about the new job yet" and that got interpreted in a much more dramatic way?

I think BPDs do this because so long as things are bad and crisis-y, they can ignore all their deep inner demons by focusing on all these external bad things. If they were to accept that there is no real crisis and that things aren't so dire they would have nothing to focus on and would instead have to look inside themselves which can be pretty terrifying.

Then again, children of BPD parents are at a greater risk of developing BPD themselves so it's possible that your sister is in fact showing some warning signs.

[clljhns]

Hi caughtnreleased,

I find this all really strange, because I don't know what the reality is, and it seems like my sister is trying to paint a certain reality of herself that does not ring true. I'm starting to suspect she is living a lie with me, but then painting her situation as extremely difficult to my parents in order to drag them in to help her.  :)oes anyone else have insight into their family that might reflect something like this? Should I even care if she's living a lie?  As I think about it, I do care, because she is my sister, and she is presenting herself to be something she is not to her own sister.  Perhaps the one person she is closest to... .I don't know.  I don't see her having very many close friends either, and I know her husband has been jealous of some friendships she's had.  What's bothersome is that I am trying to understand what reality is, because I suspect she lying.

Has there been a change in the relationship between you and sister? Have you always shared intimate details of your lives and then this suddenly stopped? Or, do you just wish that you could have a close relationship with your sister?

If there wasn't a close relationship before, then what is the need for it now? What are your concerns for sister?

Peace and blessings.  

[caughtnreleased]

Actually no we were never close.  Over the past three years I would say we are closer than we have ever been... .which really isn't saying much.  She and I used to call eachother on our birthdays, and that was the extent of contact we had.  I always felt she was resentful and competitive with me so didn't really want to spend time with someone who had such negative feelings towards me. We are closer now because we have each made efforts after I went no contact with her for about 6 months after she flew into a rage with me.  However, I feel like the relationship cannot evolve any further if she sticks to being two faced like she seems to be doing.

[caughtnreleased]

K1313 that is good insight. And I think there is probably truth to it.  I know my mother hates my brother in law, so there is no question she is presenting a very negative point of view of him.  And yes... .she cannot stop jumping from one "crisis" to another... .always talking about crisis this, and crisis that, and she's so exhausted and poor her, and blah blah blah.  And yes, my sister is starting to head this way... .crisis after crisis.  Right now she's got young kids. So it's constant crisis mode.

I think what I find hard is that my mother offers one reality, and my sister doesn't offer a reality.  Just a wall. So I'm stuck with my mother's version of things... .and then a blank.  Does that matter? I don't know.  I'm trying to construct my own reality, and right now it is negative negative negative, everywhere.  It's hard.