Christmas stocking

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I just remembered an incident with my ex wife from our first xmas living together.

I thought it would be funny to do a joke stocking. I wrapped up loads of cleaning stuff. Dusters, scourers, polish etc. I had the real stocking hidden. I woke up and did her breakfast in bed as it was her birthday aswell and wanted to make it a special day for her. After breakfast we swapped stockings. She unwrapped the first package and found a dish clothe. She looked confused. The next was a dish brush. She looked even more confused. After the third item confusion had gone and was replaced with rage. Realising she was upset I got the real stocking out and told her it had been a joke. It took her hours to calm down even after all the lovely presents she had got. She still brings this up apparently to her mum. At the time I was confused but now knowing what I know about BPD  I think I hit every tender spot she had.

Part of me thinks I wish I hadnt done it but a bigger part thinks thats just who I am and I shouldnt have to change.

[enlighten me]

I just remembered an incident with my ex wife from our first xmas living together.

I thought it would be funny to do a joke stocking. I wrapped up loads of cleaning stuff. Dusters, scourers, polish etc. I had the real stocking hidden. I woke up and did her breakfast in bed as it was her birthday aswell and wanted to make it a special day for her. After breakfast we swapped stockings. She unwrapped the first package and found a dish clothe. She looked confused. The next was a dish brush. She looked even more confused. After the third item confusion had gone and was replaced with rage. Realising she was upset I got the real stocking out and told her it had been a joke. It took her hours to calm down even after all the lovely presents she had got. She still brings this up apparently to her mum. At the time I was confused but now knowing what I know about BPD  I think I hit every tender spot she had.

Part of me thinks I wish I hadnt done it but a bigger part thinks thats just who I am and I shouldnt have to change.

[Skip]

Part of me thinks I wish I hadnt done it but a bigger part thinks thats just who I am and I shouldnt have to change.

What is the lesson here?

I've learned one from joke experiences like this... .the same one comedians learn when they test their material... .if it doesn't work, drop it.   

Curious what others think... .

[Pingo]

Yeah, I would not have been amused myself.  Maybe bc I've been locked into this role or caretaker/homemaker/rescuer?  I love a good joke but I also hate sarcasm... .maybe this was too close to home for her? 

[enlighten me]

The joke was silly but it was in referance to a wind up over presebts. I cant remember what started it but it ended up with me joking that I would get her a vacuum cleaner for xmas. She said that id better not if I knew what was good for me. She said it in a joling manner so it became a little wind up between us. In a normal relationship you can have these little wind ups. They can be seen as a joke and the partner would realise that it was a joke and the real present would be nice.

I now realise that this must have been seen as me devaluing her and she probably took it that I wasnt joking and saw her as a maid only good for cleaning the house. I suppose when she opened the joke stocking it reinforced her belief.

[bungenstein]

I thought it was pretty funny :D

You can't live with someone like that.

[Pingo]

Well who knows what will trigger these people, I never had a clue what would trigger my ex! I was always blindsided about what he was upset about. You clearly intended it to be funny, as you had a real stocking for her... .It's hard to imagine what is going through their mind.

[Blimblam]

It made me laugh enlighten me. One of those things that's funny to joke with friends but in practice not so much necessarily.

[peiper]

Their triggers are amazing. Mine I think now was over a T shirt. We were walking down the street in Maui and she noticed a T shirt,  it had stick figures of a guy getting screamed at by a woman, underneath it said problem. The other side had him pushing her off the shirt and said end of problem. She asked if she should buy it for me. I thought it was cute so I bought it. Twelve hours later she had moved out.

[enlighten me]

It is one thing that leaves me sad about my two uBPD relationships. The fact that you cant have a joke with them as they take everything so personally. Laughing and joking with each other I feel is healthy in a relationship. I dont take myself too seriously and dont mind well intentioned p taking. I never had this as anything my exs tried to pass off as just joking where quite spiteful or maybe they were just saying spiteful things and trying to pass them off as jokes.

[Rise]

Part of me thinks I wish I hadnt done it but a bigger part thinks thats just who I am and I shouldnt have to change.

What is the lesson here?

I've learned one from joke experiences like this... .the same one comedians learn when they test their material... .if it doesn't work, drop it.   

Curious what others think... .

The lesson I learned from similar experiences is that it's important who I choose to have in my life. While we shouldn't have to change who we are, that doesn't mean that everyone else should have to change who they are for our sakes either. Some people don't appreciate jokes like this. That's fine. I just choose now to involve myself with people that do.

[mitchell16]

with mine I had to stop joking or teasing her in any shape or form even if she started it. Of course then later on she would accuse me of having no sense of humor which is very far from the truth, it was just i found out every time it either back fired on me or she was baiting me. so I just stopped. One incident comes to mind, that i still to this day have know idea why or how come she acted they way she did. Im a very big MMA fan and she likes another sport. we was discussing why I wasnt crazy about her sport. I told her I like sports that were individuals, not really teams. I love boxing too. Just how I am. she asked me what I like about MMA i said the strategy that led up to one person to trap another in a submission hold and force a tap out. This was all being discussed calm and She and I both were smiling the whole time and we was having a nice lunch in a resturant. She asked me what my favorite move was and I said it was the rear naked choke, cause once in it, the tap is coming and not whole lot the person can do about it. She said with a big smile on her face, " youd love to choke me wouldnt you" I started laughing and said " no, maybe twist your head off but not choke you" we started laughing. we where finsihing up our meal and she jumps up and tells me that I threatened her and that I was violent towards her and storms out of the resturant. I was shocked. I pay for our meal and walked out to her. Im shocked and confused.  I tell her we was just playing around and we were both smiling and laughing and was talking about something else when she stormed out that we wasnt even talking about MMA anymore. we had driven seperate cars, so she gets in her car and says "who says that to the person they love" and she doesnt know if she can be in a relationship with someone who is violent and thinks that way about their girlfriend. She drives off in a cloud of dust and leaves me standing there. the rest of the day she doesnt take any of my calls. After that I stopped joking or kdding with her even if she started it.