How do you learn to love yourself?

[Ziggiddy]

So you realise your mother has all the symptoms of BPD and a 'healthy' dose of NPD in there for good measure, so you find out all you can. you read all you can.

you get therapy, get support. You talk to your friends and you start to get a grip on it.

You read all these books. All these books by helpful insightful articulate compassionate people.

You learn.

You grow.

You think "I'm doing better. it's starting to make more sense."

You reach out. You meet new friends. You catch up with old friends.

You journal and you sing. You talk and you laugh.

You play frisbee with your kids and go to the beach with your husband.

And yet ... .and yet you still find yourself lying on the floor crying because she couldn't love you.

You still wonder how can you be so fundamentally flawed?

You wonder "is there some kind of hole in my heart where the love falls out?"

because it doesn't really seem to stay inside.

You hear all these experts and amateurs saying "You just need to learn to love yourself."

"You need to know you are enough."

But you don't know how to do that...

How do you do that?

How do you learn to love yourself?

[vortex of confusion]

That is a good question and have yet to figure it out because I feel unlovable a lot of the time.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I'm deeply pessimistic and negative about myself. And I find that what works best is to brain wash myself. Sometimes I'll repeat the words "I'm a beautiful creation" over and over, or some other phrase. Also, talk to yourself like you're another person, even out loud if necessary. Eventually I'll sucker that unlovable part of me into buying it!

[Ihope2]

Those of us who were neglected, abused, invalidated as children and generally grew up feeling worthless, inconvenient and unlovable, I think, have to realise that this healing and self-acceptance we now need to learn, will be a lifelong process. How I envy those who grew up feeling welcome, safe and treasured in their FOO!  They will never know that deeply ingrained niggling fear that "I am just not good enough" "What's wrong with me?" "Why can't I just fit in?".

But, I am sure as anything going to fight this negative programme running in my brain, and learn to accept and love myself fully.

I see myself as that little girl I was, who quietly played in the corner with her soft toys and loved to be outside in the garden with the pet St Bernard dog.  The scared little girl who would wet herself at playschool and be sternly scolded by the teachers.  The anxious little girl who cried unconsolably when mommy tried to drop her off at school in the morning.  The girl who refused to talk for a year at school.  The girl who was taken to the child psychologist because she was acting too weirdly, and who refused to open her eyes during the entire sessions with the psychologist!  The excruciatingly shy teenager who used to blush at everything.  The awkward teenager who was too embarrassed to wear t-shirts or be seen in a bathing costume or shorts, lest you see anything of her newly forming womanly shape.  The same teenager who used to fall asleep with her Walkman playing in her ears so that she would not  have to hear her stepfather having loud, inappropriate sex for hours at a time with her mother in the bedroom next door to hers.

I love that girl.  I hear her pain, I understand her awkwardness, inadequacies and I get why she felt so misunderstood and judged. I feel her loneliness.

Apologies, dear Ziggiddy for hijacking your thread.  But perhaps sharing how we are approaching our "Adult Child Healing" will help others in similar circumstances.

[Ihope2]

Ziggiddy you wrote: "You wonder "is there some kind of hole in my heart where the love falls out?"

because it doesn't really seem to stay inside."

You have a gift, the way you describe these things.  How sad and beautiful this sentence is, all at the same time. 

[Pingo]

Ziggiddy, I have found the most healing thing for me has been doing inner child work.  Getting in touch with that little person that still resides inside you.  I have read several books on this recently, John Bradshaw's books are a great place to start.  I've done the exercises, journaling to that little me, pulled out pictures of myself throughout my childhood and put them on my bedside table.  It has been really emotional.  Most of my life I've ran away from that part of me.  I've numbed and hidden the pain I was carrying.  Accepting that little person and reparenting her as she deserves to be parented has been the biggest gift of this year. 

[waverider]

It must be hard where the origins of this go back to your FOO, as you simply have never experienced it. To others who have had this lack of self respect as a result of our partners, we do have fragments to rebuild on. The result is usually an improvement on out former self awareness as we have thoroughly studied ourselves and rid ourselves of delusions. Many people who have this self appreciation are simply blind to their own flaws. To reach a place where you have discovered your flaws and either improved them, or accepted, them is a very rewarding place to be.

[Grey Kitty]

And yet ... .and yet you still find yourself lying on the floor crying because she couldn't love you.

You still wonder how can you be so fundamentally flawed?

You wonder "is there some kind of hole in my heart where the love falls out?"

because it doesn't really seem to stay inside.

I think part of loving yourself is accepting that you do feel this way. 

I'm also reminded of a quote I saw recently, about how love is actively choosing to do loving things for another person. I think this applies to yourself as well.

You are doing things that are loving for yourself; it was a great list. Be patient and gentle, you will feel it differently later. Getting used to this will take time, and so will trusting yourself with it.

[Kwamina]

This post truly addresses a lot of crucial things I also find myself dealing with.

And yet ... .and yet you still find yourself lying on the floor crying because she couldn't love you.

You do indeed and then what do you do? You pick yourself up from the floor and get back up. Even you posting this is something I would consider as getting back up and acknowledging the reality of what you're feeling and trying to find a way through it.

You still wonder how can you be so fundamentally flawed?

Yes you do wonder this, but then ask yourself: where's the evidence for this? What makes you conclude that you're fundamentally flawed? You might not be perfect, but no one is and based on this theory that would mean that since no one is perfect, everyone is fundamentally flawed. And if that would be the case, you are just as good or bad as anyone else  You could consider flawed to be the opposite of perfect. But you could also consider being flawed as being unique... .uniquely gifted

You wonder "is there some kind of hole in my heart where the love falls out?"

because it doesn't really seem to stay inside.

Beautifully worded... .perhaps you can indeed say that as a result of being raised by an uBPD mother you have developed 'a hole in your heart' where the love falls out. But then imagine how much love you actually have inside of your heart Ziggidy! Because your replies on here to others are filled with love  So maybe your love does fall out of your heart, but how did you respond to that? You picked yourself up, gathered the love that fell out and started spreading it on here enriching the life of others

You hear all these experts and amateurs saying "You just need to learn to love yourself."

"You need to know you are enough."

But you don't know how to do that...

How do you do that?

How do you learn to love yourself?

It's a process. Probably an everlasting process. It may not be possible to just at a certain point reach a state of feeling you are enough and loving yourself. This probably is something that always needs to be worked on. You can make progress but it still remains something that requires work. It might help to look at learning to love yourself not as an end-state but as an ongoing process, something you need to do, concrete actions you have to take. Just like Grey Kitty says, love is actively choosing to do loving things to take care of yourself, be gentle for yourself etc.

[Vatz]

For me, it's my appearance. What I mean is, my ability to love myself is tied in with it.

Right now, I hate mirrors.

So until I am objectively better, and am treated as such, I will remain critical toward myself and thus, pretty sad. But honestly, I'm becoming okay with it. After all, if a man can't do a good job at something, it doesn't matter how much he "loves himself" or "believes in himself" or "has confidence." In the end, he's crud at his job and won't keep it long. It's simple. You either get good, or you can forget it.



... .I'll tell you how it works out for me if I make it to the other side.

[Ziggiddy]

I simply cannot express how helpful your responses have been for me.

I do especially appreciate the sympathy which was not what I was looking for (at least I didn't think I was!) but just calmed my heart and gave me some much needed peace.

Buildingfromscratch I appreciate your point. Affirmation is a good idea. I recall thinking years ago that it was silly but now I see that if I learned rubbish stuff from repetition, why could I not also learn good stuff the same way?

I also do not believe at ALL that you are unlovable. i have read alot of your stuff and I think you are articulate, energetic and full of surprises!

Ihope2 you never fail to lift my heart. i love when you share so you could not hijack the post if you tried!

You moved me.

I love that girl.  I hear her pain, I understand her awkwardness, inadequacies and I get why she felt so misunderstood and judged. I feel her loneliness.

What a great thing you reminded me of. I have not been remembering self compassion. i do much better in the 3rd person than in the first. Your response prompted me to look at pictures from my childhood. There was one where I was about 3-4 sitting on a bed all dressed up to go to a party with my neat socks and shiny white shoes. My hair done up in pigtails - so proud that I had a really nice gift to give.  I tried to ignore the amorphous memory that the photo was taken not all that long after getting a hiding for some terrible crime. it made me think how no pleasure was without alloy.

It made me think that it was incredibly cruel of my mother to do that before a party.

And THAT made me think it's not my fault. That little picaninny with the bright eyes and dimple smile WAS lovable. if my mother couldn't love her then there must have been something deeply wrong with HER.

So thank you for that. Very soul soothing and strengthening

I guess that relates directly to your comment Pingo about the inner child. it is a great great therapy and you were right to remind me of it. thank you.

waverider -  !

It must be hard where the origins of this go back to your FOO, as you simply have never experienced it.

how interesting to look at it that way! As a skill that I haven't learned! now that is worth some more thought.

greykitty - how simple but true - accepting that it is okay to feel like this. I might try and keep in mind that I won't always feel like that.

Ah Kwamina

You never fail to astonish me with your depth of insight as well as your caring heart.

Excellent excellent points. I see you applying rational thought and progressive logic. I stopped at "I'm feeling sad and hurt so i must be unlovable" without taking the further step. Cognitive adjustment!

Do I consider being flawed as the opposite of being perfect? i don't know. Good question. i will think more on that.

Maybe like greykitty pointed out I need to look at what love is - what it means to do.

Vatz i too dislike mirrors. i have also noticed that at times people can fail to accept their physical beauty because it is unsafe to do so. What led you to believe that you have something in your physical appearance? or rather your image?

How do you measure doing a job well? is it by your own standard or someone else's?

[Ziggiddy]

PS thanks guys. For sharing your insights and for being involved in this great community.

Group hug!