Neighbor/friend seems BPD abusive to my son

[Jujubebe]

Hi,

I have a neighbor who seems to have BPD. I just moved in around 2 months ago. Her behavior seemed a little unusual but I chalked it up to lack of boundaries and the result of a 17 yr abusive marriage(which she told me about). The trouble I am having is that she screams, calls names and is mean to my 4 yr old when he does what 4 yr olds do - says what he is thinking or feeling. They have gotten into name calling fights. She has gotten in is face and raged at him. These things happened so quickly I couldn't stop them. I have intervened by keeping them apart as much as possible, but we live next door. I feel I am failing my son when I don't tell her directly to stop screaming. I have said no name calling but she persists. He said to me tonight, because it happened tonight " mommy, why is she being mean to me?" And I said "because you said something that hurt her feelings". I am afraid to really tell her to stop bullying my son because the situation will escalate. I fear I am invalidating my son's experience and exposing him to abuse - though I have limited contact between them, it occasionally happens and of one or both is cranky chaos ensues. I wonder if I should move. Any thoughts?

M

[Turkish]

Hello Jujubebe, 

What a frustrating situation to be in. I personally hate moving. Bad neighbors suck. Plain and simple. It's like you're trapped. Maybe your neighbor's BPD, maybe she's just suffering from some type of PTSD (which can exist along with BPD and several other disorders), but all in all she sounds just plain mean.

Tell me if I'm off track, but you sound like you are generally a nice person who prefers to not make waves. Do you feel nervous asserting yourself in general? Dealing with a difficult person can be hard for anyone, however, and we're here to help.

If you're not friends with this person, it may be best to focus more on your son, and work on boundaries around her. When you say you're keeping them apart as much as possible, does that mean that she is entering your property or apartment space, or is your son continuing to enter hers?

It's god that you pick up on validation. I have 2 and 4 year olds, and I get how we can sometimes question if we are saying the right things. I don't think you need to defend her actions to him, though. It's good to instill discipline in our children, to teach them how to be polite, but her verbal abuse sounds like it crosses the line. How about, "S4, I know it may be confusing to you why that lady screams at you. It's sad when people are mad at us, and it's ok to be sad or even mad. Some people, though, are just mad people for reasons that don't have anything to do with us. For those people, it's sometimes best just to stay away from them and let them be mad." Does that sound age appropriate for a 4 year old?

We have tools here on validation which can help you interact with her, but it sounds like you just want to limit contact, no, and let her be with herself?

Turkish

[PrettyPlease]

Any thoughts?

Yes. To me this seems extremely unhealthy for your son. It's also unhealthy for you. (And maybe for your neighbor, but she's an adult and supposedly responsible for herself.)

I don't know if moving is easy or the best solution, but I think something needs to change, and if that's the only or best option you can find it's probably better than staying with the status quo.

I don't mean to be critical, but since you asked, I find this statement slightly alarming:

He said to me tonight, because it happened tonight " mommy, why is she being mean to me?" And I said "because you said something that hurt her feelings".

You've already said these clashes happen "when he does what 4 yr olds do - says what he is thinking or feeling". And you're telling him directly here that he caused her meanness by what he said. He may logically decide it's his fault, and become confused and guilt-ridden about being himself. Even to the degree that he does believe she was at fault he may still feel that he's not being protected (by you). I think both of these are dangerous precedents.

Technically, you could say that's why she's mean: 'because he said something that hurt her feelings' -- but IMO if she has BPD (or even if she has some other disorder that prevents her from behaving like an adult when around your son), then it's not the most important answer. The most important answer is that there is something wrong with her. Not with him. I think it will be good if you can let him know this, somehow. And keep her away from him. Somehow.

Or change her behavior, but that doesn't sound like a good bet -- though possible, if she is in fact BPD and you use some of the tools explained on this site -- the SET (support, empathy, truth) patterns explained here come to mind. It might be helpful to read about them and perhaps use them with her.

[Theo41]

Jujubebe, I agree with Prettyplease, first order of business is to protect/remove him from this toxic, dysfunctional, hurtful behavior. Secondly, but equally important: Make sure he knows this is not his fault. You can explain that the neighbor is an emotionally sick person and that's why she's acting like that. If it were me... .there would be no contact, even if I had to move. Don't be neighborly and understanding at the expense of the boy. She's ill and you have a child to protect. I know it's a tough situation but , as a responsible parent, you need to draw a line and protect him. Theo

[Jujubebe]

Hi guys,

Thank you for your replies. I want to clarify that I have been letting my son know that out neighbor's behavior is not ok. I have said this in front of her and not in front of her. The grey area for me is that my son triggers the behavior by acting out - he says something not nice, because, as I mentioned, he doesn't have the built in censor of an adult. I'm not saying this justifies her reaction, but it does trigger it. Yes, my fear is that, because I haven't said to her directly 'stop abusing my son' that he is getting the message that it is his fault and I am not protecting him. I told him last night that he cannot believe what she says and that the reason she acts this way is because she has been abused herself. I am afraid of her I guess. I am unemployed and have no money and she has offered me a job. This is the only reason I have tried to keep the peace. Again, your thoughts are welcome. This is a real struggle for me. I don't believe I was protected by my parents and so I just don't know how. I can't explain it. I want to do the right thing for my son. I don't want him to be hurt or damaged because I failed to protect him. I feel weak in this area. Please help. Thank you

[funfunctional]

End your friendship with her.  Get her out of your life and keep her away from your home.   This woman is disturbed.

Sorry to be so blunt but you have no reason to have her in your life.    Make friends with other neighbors or join a mother's group in town.

Sincerely & with love & respect I say this.   

[Aussie JJ]

I'll second what Turkish has said here. 

For me, my son is almost 3 years old.  I have moved the explanation onto myself to deflect away from my ex partner now. 

I got told when mummy is sad he is sad.  There are many things I can say to validate and correct this behaviour or these thoughts. 

My response now, "When daddy is sad that's daddy's problem not yours.  Just because Daddy is sad doesn't mean daddy doesn't love you or care for you.  Daddy might just need some time alone." 

This sort of deflects away from his mothers issues, allows me to validate his experiences and also puts me in the position where I am not putting his mother down.  In time be it sad, angry or crying my son will see I am constant and learn that when like this, walk away from his mother.  Also by validating this experience that Dad is a safe place where it doesn't happen.  Even if it is never me that is like this, kids are smart, they figure things out. 

Hope this helps. 


AJJ. 

[Kwamina]

HI Jujubebe

This is a real struggle for me. I don't believe I was protected by my parents and so I just don't know how. I can't explain it. I want to do the right thing for my son. I don't want him to be hurt or damaged because I failed to protect him. I feel weak in this area. Please help. Thank you

Feeling 'weak' in the area you describe is something I can understand considering your statement about not being protected by your own parents. Your neighbor's behavior sounds very unhealthy and damaging to your son. I understand the difficult situation you're in being unemployed and how the fact that she offered you a job might make it harder for you to distance yourself from her. However, I would consider your son's well-being here first and set some firm boundaries with your neighbor and enforce them when necessary. Since this is an area you express feeling somewhat weak in, it might help taking a look at information we got on here about setting and enforcing boundaries:

Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order

Examples of boundaries

Whether you move or not, your son needs protecting and I hope these resources about boundaries will help you do that.

[going places]

1. Call the police

2. Do NOT let your VERY IMPRESSIONABLE child around that woman, ever.

3. Move.

What you child is learning at age 4 is forming and developing who he will be in his adult years... .

[CalledaPerson]

You don't need her help finding a job. It could cause trouble for you later on if she gets you a job in the same company she works at. People with BPD seem to thrive on getting control, so that way they hope you will look the other way at their abuse of your loved one. Their behavior is very damaging and it's something your child doesn't need. You probably wouldn't allow any kind of physical or sexual abuse of your child, so why allow emotional abuse? One of the things growing up, for me, that was in some ways worse than the abuse was that my dad sat by and allowed it or was complicit in it. You have an advantage in that you might be able to simply move away from her.

[Pilpel]

This must be a complicated situation if you're unemployed and the BPD neighbor can offer a job.  I would look for a job elsewhere.  Even if she does offer a job, she has no right to scream at your child. 

You mention that this neighbor was abused herself.  My uBPD SIL also claims her parents abused her.  From what I know of my SIL she's always the victim, everyone else is the perpetrator.   So I take all claims that someone wronged her with a grain of salt. And even if there is a shred if truth to it, so what?  It doesn't make it any more okay for her to be abusive to others. Ever.