How did you tell your BPD SO it was over?

[terranova79]

Hi everyone,

For those of you who have left your BPD SOs, how did you tell them it was over?  I am at the end of my rope with my uBPDw -- she has treated me like garbage for the past year and now the final straw is that I want to take my son to see my parents for a few days after Christmas, but she is saying "no" because she hates my family (she learned that they thought we should get a divorce) and she has completely irrational fears that my family and I will literally kidnap our son.

I can't go on like this any more, but I'm a very conflict averse person.  I hate telling people no, and I've always had a hard time breaking up with past girlfriends because I don't want to hurt their feelings.  Both my wife and I are miserable in our marriage and we are in counseling, so calling it quits wouldn't come as a complete surprise.  If I do end things, I just want it to be in a compassionate way that doesn't destroy her and doesn't make me a target for even more abuse.  I realize that might be unrealistic, but wanted to see what experiences everyone else has had.

Thanks!

[nolisan]

I woke her up and said "Get the F... .Out"!

I could not believe the words were coming out of my lips.

Best thing I have ever done.

Not a peep from her in over 2 years.

[Pingo]

I told him I had lost the desire to fight for us anymore.  I wasn't happy and wanted a divorce.  Nothing about it was easy.  We recycled once.  I had to come to the conclusion that I would never be able to have the life I wanted.  I would always have to walk on eggshells.  I would never have any privacy.  I would always live in fear.  I would always have to struggle to not allow him to completely take over my life. I would never get to have a peaceful holiday, vacation.  It was too high a cost.  Life is short.

[Deeno02]

I didnt... .she told me.

[OutOfEgypt]

How did I tell her?  Which time?  (haha)  I think that should be a BPD joke.

When I finally had the strength and inclination to leave, like when I really was done with her, rather than merely filing for divorce because she was cheating on me, I told her over the phone.  She called me from the hotel room where she was "thinking about things" (with her "friend", and after finding out from others how she was again lying and cheating on me, I simply told her, "I'm done with you.  :)on't come home."  This led to about 5 months of drama, with me having to bribe her and begin the eviction process to get her out of my house, but she finally left.  :)uring that time, since I had to still live with her, I changed my tune to just reiterating the B/S she has said over the years, "Oh, we were just too young and didn't know what we were doing.  We weren't really right for each other, but we both tried hard to make it work."  Total crap, but it generally placated her until she left.  There were a few extinction bursts, and it was an extremely tense number of months, but I only wish I had done it years earlier.

[blissful_camper]

I left while he was out of state on a vacation.  :)uring a call while he was away, he dissociated and said something that made my hair stand on end.  I packed my home (we had separate homes), and I enlisted the help of a friend to help me move out of state. (2 dogs, 2 cars and a U-haul full of furniture) Prior to leaving I called my ex (he was still on vacation) to inform him I was leaving.  That was it.  If I were to do it over again, I would not have bothered to call to inform him of my departure.  

[clydegriffith]

Did all of you have a literal "its over" moment? I never had that discussion with the BPDx as she just did something so crazy that there was nothing more to be said.

[Deeno02]

Did all of you have a literal "its over" moment? I never had that discussion with the BPDx as she just did something so crazy that there was nothing more to be said.

Yeah, tried one last time so I went to her gym during volleyball practice, told her how much I loved her, gave her flowers and briskly had it all shoved back up my ass, to include bad things said about my daughter and a bunch of made up crap as well as Im not lovable, Im emotionless and incapable of love. I think the whole High School heard me shatter... .

[blissful_camper]

Did all of you have a literal "its over" moment? I never had that discussion with the BPDx as she just did something so crazy that there was nothing more to be said.

Yes.  When my hair stood on end every cell in my body knew it was over and that I needed to go to save myself.  It was more than over.  I felt that I needed to get as far away from him as quickly as I could. 

[WalrusGumboot]

... .and now the final straw ... .

I, like you, had my own "final straw". I remember it like it occurred yesterday, but it is now 4 years ago.

I just told her I was going to file for divorce. It came as no surprise since she threatened divorce before.

After I filed, this upped the ante and things got much worse, leading to the worst single year of my life. In hindsight, it was the best decision I ever made. I'm not sure how long your marriage is, but mine was 23 years and I had a lot to lose (which I did), but I count my losses as the price I paid for the hope of happiness in the future.

I never regretted the decision.

WG

[Trog]

With glee.

[JackBlacknBlue]

I sent email. I said I wished I was not reinforcing her fear of people abandoning her but I can't handle the lying and the Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde behaviors-silent treatments, lashing out, etc.  I wished her the best.  She emailed twice and called me and left crying vmail.  I didn't respond to any of those.   

[Lucky Jim]

I count my losses as the price I paid for the hope of happiness in the future. ... .I never regretted the decision.

Like you, Walrus, I've never looked back with any regret about getting out.  The price, as you suggest, was high, but worth it to me in order to avoid self-destruction.

Ironically, my Ex kicked me out of the house when she went into a fit of rage after discovering that I was posting on this forum.  So I guess I should blame FtheF!  LOL.

Anyway, by that point I was a shadow of my former self but nevertheless recognized that it was a huge relief to be out of the toxic soup.  I had no interest in going back for more abuse.

It's painful because we have two children together and I've been painted black, but that's another thread and comes with the territory.

LuckyJim