Can I ever get the trust back from my ex BPD

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Is it possible to gain or win back the trust from an ex BPD girlfreind ?

The reason I ask this is because my head and heart are healing the fog is clearing I was the one to end the relationship out of anger and frustration but looking back she really did try hard and I can honestly say she maid a lot of effort although she is the one with BPD I was unaware of this the time though she always said it felt different with me I know what you will be thinking (Yer they all say that !) Yer she had a lot of moments were the BPD shine thru but the honeymoon period didn't end ! It wasn't until I spoke to one of her closest freinds last night and she explained she really did love you (being me the non) and said I'd never seen her be like that with any of her ex BF before and I really had broken her heart I feel now I have made a huge mistake and lost her trust completely ive triggered all her abandonment fears I told her I hated her all the really bad wrong things I shouldn't off to a BPD even the last call to me she said I had hurt her badly and was sorry she got angry at me at first and I was to never contact her again I really have destroyed her and she can't trust me now and seeing me would hurt she has since we split started to see someone else that she really likes how can I try to win her trust back ive remaind NC just don't know what to do ? Are there any female BPD here that can give advise please

[Splitblack4good]

Is it possible to gain or win back the trust from an ex BPD girlfreind ?

The reason I ask this is because my head and heart are healing the fog is clearing I was the one to end the relationship out of anger and frustration but looking back she really did try hard and I can honestly say she maid a lot of effort although she is the one with BPD I was unaware of this the time though she always said it felt different with me I know what you will be thinking (Yer they all say that !) Yer she had a lot of moments were the BPD shine thru but the honeymoon period didn't end ! It wasn't until I spoke to one of her closest freinds last night and she explained she really did love you (being me the non) and said I'd never seen her be like that with any of her ex BF before and I really had broken her heart I feel now I have made a huge mistake and lost her trust completely ive triggered all her abandonment fears I told her I hated her all the really bad wrong things I shouldn't off to a BPD even the last call to me she said I had hurt her badly and was sorry she got angry at me at first and I was to never contact her again I really have destroyed her and she can't trust me now and seeing me would hurt she has since we split started to see someone else that she really likes how can I try to win her trust back ive remaind NC just don't know what to do ? Are there any female BPD here that can give advise please

[Splitblack4good]

Is it possible to gain or win back the trust from an ex BPD girlfreind ?

The reason I ask this is because my head and heart are healing the fog is clearing I was the one to end the relationship out of anger and frustration but looking back she really did try hard and I can honestly say she maid a lot of effort although she is the one with BPD I was unaware of this the time though she always said it felt different with me I know what you will be thinking (Yer they all say that !) Yer she had a lot of moments were the BPD shine thru but the honeymoon period didn't end ! It wasn't until I spoke to one of her closest freinds last night and she explained she really did love you (being me the non) and said I'd never seen her be like that with any of her ex BF before and I really had broken her heart I feel now I have made a huge mistake and lost her trust completely ive triggered all her abandonment fears I told her I hated her all the really bad wrong things I shouldn't off to a BPD even the last call to me she said I had hurt her badly and was sorry she got angry at me at first and I was to never contact her again I really have destroyed her and she can't trust me now and seeing me would hurt she has since we split started to see someone else that she really likes how can I try to win her trust back ive remaind NC just don't know what to do ? Are there any female BPD here that can give advise please

I'm worried if I reach out and contact her to much and tell her how I feel will push her further away ive really screwed this up people ! The age old classic I've I had of educated myself of the ways to communicate with someone who has BPD then the road would of been less rocky and wouldn't be sat here thinking i made a mistake by ending it don't get me wrong she had moments of the no win situation and projecting her self etc all the things that happens with the non and the BPD she gave me so many chances why am I beating myself up now since we split I thought it was best for both of us !

[Blimblam]

If you are looking to her for validation you very well might push her away.  If you want to be in contact with her again I think depersonalizng and healing would be a good thing to focus on. Understandin the disorder is huge also avoiding falling into drama.  If you are like me knowing why is fundemental to understanding how. So if you still have hope for the relationship that is fine it is not completely out of possibility it could work.  So if learning about it in hopes for it to work that's fine.  The book I recommend as a starting point is te search for the self by masterson.  To understand the schema modes involved and the karpman drama triangle. There is a good article in the learning center the three faces of victim. Learning about transactional analysis can help you to identify dysfunctional games to avoid falling into as well, a good book is the games people play.   

[peiper]

From experience I can tell you this. Leaving her alone creates a void. If your wanting her back that will do it. But remember your going to reap the whirlwind only it will be worse the next time.

[Splitblack4good]

Thanks I am at loose end the other problem I have is she is seeing this new guy they have known each other for years ! (She never cheated) they know each other from a mutual freind and from what I've heard they are happy she hasn't smeared me on FB etc as far as I know but has blocked me but not her mobile phone I'm worried that I've hurt her so bad she will stay with the new guy I would even say he's not my replacement as I split with her nor will it be a rebound ! And I'm 99% sure she has never gone back to any of her exs this is gona be a challenge!

[Blimblam]

Well you never know how there rs will work out but if she is BPD chances are they will hit a rough patch.  The important thing is to do what you need to do to recenter yourself. In my experience by focusing on it wanting to work with her sort of sets you up for a self sabatage.  Especially so with a pwBPD because they are so good at pushing your buttons. Holding onto the hope as a reason to do things may help you get started on educating and setting your life up in a way that may be enticing for a partner but in the end if your focus is on her this may give her too much power over you.

[Splitblack4good]

Well you never know how there rs will work out but if she is BPD chances are they will hit a rough patch.  The important thing is to do what you need to do to recenter yourself. In my experience by focusing on it wanting to work with her sort of sets you up for a self sabatage.  Especially so with a pwBPD because they are so good at pushing your buttons. Holding onto the hope as a reason to do things may help you get started on educating and setting your life up in a way that may be enticing for a partner but in the end if your focus is on her this may give her too much power over you.

From what I hear she is still angry at me is that a good sign with BPD ? What I mean is my past exes (nons) when they still angry means they must still care otherwise if they didn't they wouldn't bite ! Is it the same with BPD or once split black your done for ?

[peiper]

Well you never know how there rs will work out but if she is BPD chances are they will hit a rough patch.  The important thing is to do what you need to do to recenter yourself. In my experience by focusing on it wanting to work with her sort of sets you up for a self sabatage.  Especially so with a pwBPD because they are so good at pushing your buttons. Holding onto the hope as a reason to do things may help you get started on educating and setting your life up in a way that may be enticing for a partner but in the end if your focus is on her this may give her too much power over you.

From what I hear she is still angry at me is that a good sign with BPD ? What I mean is my past exes (nons) when they still angry means they must still care otherwise if they didn't they wouldn't bite ! Is it the same with BPD or once split black your done for ?

In my experience you'll eventually be white again. Leave her alone and just watch. Every time she split I'd try to talk to her, once I gave up guess who started calling. But seriously ask yourself do you want that life?

[Splitblack4good]

As BPD goes within her she isn't that bad she has her tantrums crying etc but it when it was good it was really good and she does think a lot about how to channel her emotions well in an argument I was working longer hours latley aswell so won't of helped with her getting board and being on her own etc but I've come to realise as the non I could of made abit more effort than I was as she was trying really hard what can I say I love her to death and am willing to learn about her illness and at least try to make it work a lot smoother

[Deeno02]

I have left her alone and, shes wrapped up in the new guy anyway, shes left me alone. I dont want anything to do with her and I have not seen her or spoken to her in almost 4 months. I hope to hell it stays that way... .

[Left broken and confused]

I am wondering the same thing.  How do I win his trust back? I seem to be in a push and pull with him the last few months. He always answer me immediately and is never nasty (he has a very nasty side and normally tries to hurt people who he is upset with or feels hurt him) he hasn't tried to hurt me at all since our break up. Sometimes he is cold but there have been times I have gotten him to warm up with me (one occasion a few weeks ago too warm ) but then he pulls back again. He is driving me crazy! I don't know what to do to get him back

[Splitblack4good]

Well you never know how there rs will work out but if she is BPD chances are they will hit a rough patch.  The important thing is to do what you need to do to recenter yourself. In my experience by focusing on it wanting to work with her sort of sets you up for a self sabatage.  Especially so with a pwBPD because they are so good at pushing your buttons. Holding onto the hope as a reason to do things may help you get started on educating and setting your life up in a way that may be enticing for a partner but in the end if your focus is on her this may give her too much power over you.

From what I hear she is still angry at me is that a good sign with BPD ? What I mean is my past exes (nons) when they still angry means they must still care otherwise if they didn't they wouldn't bite ! Is it the same with BPD or once split black your done for ?

In my experience you'll eventually be white again. Leave her alone and just watch. Every time she split I'd try to talk to her, once I gave up guess who started calling. But seriously ask yourself do you want that life?

She never once up till now has said she hates me nor did I say I hated her up till we split up she said she could never come back from being told I hated her as that's what her parents always said to her I know I can't cure her or be ther to rescue her but be the best care giver I can be then I think we stand a chance as she proved that until I unleashed the dark side and split me pitch black ! So you recommend stay NC and let her poss come to me ?

[SlyQQ]

you never had it to begin with

[Splitblack4good]

you never had it to begin with

What makes you say that ?

[Splitblack4good]

I've got a feeling she isn't coming back it would mean changing her past patterns she has never gone back to an ex boyfriend in the past and there break ups wernt as bad but if what her freind of 13 yrs says is correct then she might il just have to wait and see and as you say carry on working on me in the mean time

[Deeno02]

Do what you gotta do buddy, but, to me, its so not worth the pain of being around my ex/gf anymore... .

[Splitblack4good]

Do what you gotta do buddy, but, to me, its so not worth the pain of being around my ex/gf anymore... .

Like everyone says they have BPD but the focus is on the individual as they are all different I'm assuming yours was the worst ?

[Deeno02]

Do what you gotta do buddy, but, to me, its so not worth the pain of being around my ex/gf anymore... .

Like everyone says they have BPD but the focus is on the individual as they are all different I'm assuming yours was the worst ?

Mine was the worst for me. Everyone is different. Im just not going to go through that train wreck of emotional, mental and verbal abuse again... ever. And thats just what it was... .abuse.

[OutOfEgypt]

Dude.  What did you do that was untrustworthy?  You ended the relationship?  Give me a break.  I think you are just punishing yourself with things she says.  I know its hard, but you've gotta snap out of it.  You very likely had VERY good reasons to end the relationship and to be angry.  My guess is that SHE is the one who makes it sound like you betrayed her and broke trust and all of this other garbage.

And here's the painful truth that 14 years of hell have taught me:  "love" isn't enough.  I truly believe that my ex wife loved me, like really loved me, and probably still does.  But it doesn't mean she isn't also a monster.  I would never go back to her, no matter how much she "loves" me.  This is real life, not a romance novel.  Finding out that someone "really loves" you is nice, but it doesn't mean they are good for you.  It doesn't mean a relationship will EVER work with them.

You've gotta stop buying this garbage.  I'm sure that she's hurt, but man... .stop rescuing her.  You are human.  You said things you regret -welcome to the human race.  Stop buying this garbage that you have "destroyed" her.  You need to stop carrying all the blame for this, like you have ruined her life.  That is not the truth.  That is the FOG she has perpetuated in your head because she is so good at playing victim and demanding you be her rescuer. That is so unhealthy.

[Splitblack4good]

Dude.  What did you do that was untrustworthy?  You ended the relationship?  Give me a break.  I think you are just punishing yourself with things she says.  I know its hard, but you've gotta snap out of it.  You very likely had VERY good reasons to end the relationship and to be angry.  My guess is that SHE is the one who makes it sound like you betrayed her and broke trust and all of this other garbage.

And here's the painful truth that 14 years of hell have taught me:  "love" isn't enough.  I truly believe that my ex wife loved me, like really loved me, and probably still does.  But it doesn't mean she isn't also a monster.  I would never go back to her, no matter how much she "loves" me.  This is real life, not a romance novel.  Finding out that someone "really loves" you is nice, but it doesn't mean they are good for you.  It doesn't mean a relationship will EVER work with them.

You've gotta stop buying this garbage.  I'm sure that she's hurt, but man... .stop rescuing her.  You are human.  You said things you regret -welcome to the human race.  Stop buying this garbage that you have "destroyed" her.  You need to stop carrying all the blame for this, like you have ruined her life.  That is not the truth.  That is the FOG she has perpetuated in your head because she is so good at playing victim and demanding you be her rescuer. That is so unhealthy.

wow that's deep ! And has just slapped me in the face ! She admits blame on her side aswell for her wrong doings and knows and admits she's ill and needs help as BPD goes she really isn't that bad in comparison to some of the exes and story's ive read on here so far

[downwhim]

Well, I had to go back as many times as it took. And I am sure you will too.  I loved my bd very much but each fall was harder. I realize each situation is different. However, sometimes we make excuses for our exs. In our minds the drama of being with them washes away because we miss them so. If we get one little piece of hope we run with it, the art of co dependency. She may want you back too and her new boyfriend is a way to make you jealous. But be careful and keep educating yourself on this disease.

[OutOfEgypt]

Hehe.  I hope I didn't draw blood!  I understand that not all BPD's are exactly the same and not exactly the same in degree.  My take is this:  I think you are making excuses for her.  If it really "wasn't that bad", you probably wouldn't be here in this support group.

You said something in a previous post on this thread that really jumped out to me:

[If] I had of educated myself of the ways to communicate with someone who has BPD then the road would of been less rocky... .

You should not have to read books and articles and join support groups in order to learn how to "communicate" with your partner.  No relationship should be that hard.  This is classic codependency, my friend -taking responsibility for her problems, being her rescuer.  Naturally, this is why you feel like it is all your fault.  She gets to be anything she wants, but you have to be Mr. Hero who is expected to carry the consequences for her behavior and find a way to deal with it.  That is not healthy.  The question is... .who is expecting you to be Mr. Hero?  Her?  I'm sure of it.  But it sounds like you expect it of yourself, too.  As long as you stay in this, you're setting yourself up for heartache and a lot of needless torture.

The whole victim/rescuer deal is deadly, man.  More than deadly.

[Splitblack4good]

From experience I can tell you this. Leaving her alone creates a void. If your wanting her back that will do it. But remember your going to reap the whirlwind only it will be worse the next time.

Isn't the new guy filling the void ? And she will just forget about about me out of sight out of mind or what ever it is they think

[Splitblack4good]

Hehe.  I hope I didn't draw blood!  I understand that not all BPD's are exactly the same and not exactly the same in degree.  My take is this:  I think you are making excuses for her.  If it really "wasn't that bad", you probably wouldn't be here in this support group.

You said something in a previous post on this thread that really jumped out to me:

[If] I had of educated myself of the ways to communicate with someone who has BPD then the road would of been less rocky... .

You should not have to read books and articles and join support groups in order to learn how to "communicate" with your partner.  No relationship should be that hard.  This is classic codependency, my friend -taking responsibility for her problems, being her rescuer.  Naturally, this is why you feel like it is all your fault.  She gets to be anything she wants, but you have to be Mr. Hero who is expected to carry the consequences for her behavior and find a way to deal with it.  That is not healthy.  The question is... .who is expecting you to be Mr. Hero?  Her?  I'm sure of it.  But it sounds like you expect it of yourself, too.  As long as you stay in this, you're setting yourself up for heartache and a lot of needless torture.

The whole victim/rescuer deal is deadly, man.  More than deadly.

Yer I really do see were your goin with this and it's honest advice as an outsider that isn't invoved the exact reason I did join its good to hear everyones opinions and views on the problems as everyone sees them differently and can guide you in the right direction

[Splitblack4good]

After reading all your inputs today and adding bits of the puzzle in my own head now things are getting clearer the new guy she is with is more exciting he's got more time on his hands to attend to her needs and constant attention (jobless basically) lives life on the edge ! Combine with her boaring life with me (working a lot ) and the abandonment fears I triggered in her and me splitting up with her all rolled into 1 at exactly the right time (more of a fluke really on her behalf) I technacly sabotaged our relationship! It all kind of makes sense now well that has just set me and the healing stage back abit ! This is what I referred to in the post today if I had put a little more effort in however tho how could I i do a physical job some weeks 6 days a week long hours this time of year going to bed earlyish due to work mucking around with the kids paperwork washing up etc had left no time for her the fog is clearing now how did she expect me to fit in everything hence why the house I used to live in with her is now messy and neglected and she is with him out all weekend on the piss while the kids are at her mums I just wasn't enough for her

[OutOfEgypt]

I'm not sure I understand, but it sounds like you are trying to explain away her behavior because of situations with you and situations with her new guy.  That isn't true.  They don't need a reason to do what they do.  You just need to be human, and they will find ways to rationalize their behavior.  You could have quit your job, won the lottery, perfected your communication techniques for dealing with BPD people, and spent every moment with her, making life as exciting as possible, and it wouldn't have mattered.  Her behavior is not because of you.  Period.  Her attraction to this new guy is not because of you, either.  And the only thing she really sees in this new guy is another guy to use, temporarily put on a pedestal as a hero, and then dump all of the blame on.  Seriously, you've gotta stop this self-blaming garbage.  You will never be perfect.  You have a job and work a lot.  That is a far cry from sabotaging the relationship.  Your job situation is NOTHING that a sane, rational, person who is capable of a mutual relationship couldn't handle.

Check this article out:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Take a look especially at the "Ten Beliefs That Keep Us Stuck"

the fog is clearing now

If I understand you correctly, the fog actually seems VERY THICK.

[Splitblack4good]

I'm not sure I understand, but it sounds like you are trying to explain away her behavior because of situations with you and situations with her new guy.  That isn't true.  They don't need a reason to do what they do.  You just need to be human, and they will find ways to rationalize their behavior.  You could have quit your job, won the lottery, perfected your communication techniques for dealing with BPD people, and spent every moment with her, making life as exciting as possible, and it wouldn't have mattered.  Her behavior is not because of you.  Period.  Her attraction to this new guy is not because of you, either.  And the only thing she really sees in this new guy is another guy to use, temporarily put on a pedestal as a hero, and then dump all of the blame on.  Seriously, you've gotta stop this self-blaming garbage.  You will never be perfect.  You have a job and work a lot.  That is a far cry from sabotaging the relationship.  Your job situation is NOTHING that a sane, rational, person who is capable of a mutual relationship couldn't handle.

Check this article out:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Take a look especially at the "Ten Beliefs That Keep Us Stuck"

the fog is clearing now

If I understand you correctly, the fog actually seems VERY THICK.

im just hurting still I was doing well or so I thought this just seems like a set back for my healing process still sucks she left me in theory coz she got board and what great timing I happend to end it with her the same time I bet she was laughing ! She said only a week before she was having fun with the new group of freinds she was partying with and me and her don't do anything exciting anymore I hope she burns herself out now and does get depressed but pwBPD love that type of life don't they ? So what your saying outofegypt is despite what she doin with this guy she is idolising him At the moment ? To then devaluation when she's done with him explains the need for chaos and drama she loves it guess it's the whole chameleon thing they do so well new freinds new fella idolising him and the new group just like she idolised me wen we first got together I can imagine the drug abuse she will be doing at the same time I can see this burning out quickly I can't imagine ever hearing from her again now tho or the risk of recycling us unless ther are no more options at the time it goes horribly wrong same type of people likely to canibslise each other !

[fred6]

I would just like to add, that while sometimes we may lose their trust. Most of the time, they lose our trust. I trusted my ex as much as I could personally trust someone. I wasn't jealous, she could go out if she wanted to, and I never really checked up on her. And in the end, for as much as I trusted her, she cheated, lied, and kicked me to the curb. I think a lot of the time, if a pwBPD never recycles, it's because they know that they can never regain the trust of the person that they abused and their shame kicks in. If my ex knows that I'll never be able to trust her again, why would she ever come back to me and put herself in the situation to relive her shame on a daily basis. Out of sight, out of mind. These people may be disordered, but they definitely aren't stupid.

[guy4caligirl]

I would just like to add, that while sometimes we may lose their trust. Most of the time, they lose our trust. I trusted my ex as much as I could personally trust someone. I wasn't jealous, she could go out if she wanted to, and I never really checked up on her. And in the end, for as much as I trusted her, she cheated, lied, and kicked me to the curb. I think a lot of the time, if a pwBPD never recycles, it's because they know that they can never regain the trust of the person that they abused and their shame kicks in. If my ex knows that I'll never be able to trust her again, why would she ever come back to me and put herself in the situation to relive her shame on a daily basis. Out of sight, out of mind. These people may be disordered, but they definitely aren't stupid.

Hi Fred , I know what shame is But in this case can you please explain it" Shame Kicks in " ?

[fred6]

Shame is a feeling that you are a bad person, a feeling of being unacceptable as a person. I believe that most pwBPD know that they impulsively cause trouble and hurt people. If they know that they have betrayed your trust and hurt you, they will feel shameful as a person. PwBPD have a lack of object constancy and use dissociation and splitting to avoid their feelings of shame. They see you as either all good or all bad, and when you make them feel shame they split you black. If you are out of sight, you are out of their mind and therefore their shame has been held at bay for the time being.

At least that's how I understand it. If I'm wrong, someone please correct me.