advice? recent breakup

[Depression = 72% of members]

i posted this under introduction, so im not sure if that was the right place... .

im new here, and this is my first post. after reading a lot of threads, I cant recall seeing one similar to this. first, here is the scenario.

ran into someone that I have known since 1992, but have not seen in between. she was about a month out of a 3 year r/s with a narc that finally threw her out. their relationship was full of violence, cheating on both sides, both were arrested and a gun was involved, and so much more. the npd didn't want her until she was with me, and then the npd dance would begin. he would text her random bs just to get a response. she would react to it. she would tell me how he hacks into her email, facebook, etc, and how he stalks her.

while we were just casually dating, which we did for several weeks before making it official, she slept with him behind my back. it wasn't much of a big deal because it wasn't exclusive and I was still casually dating someone else.

now when it did get serious, she kept telling me how he wouldn't leave her alone and it was creating problems for her. being that im a guy that's known more for casual dating than being in a relationship, I began to suspect something. I asked her for his number to put an end to it, AND to see if there was more to the story. there was. she was telling him how much she missed him and still loved him. when I found out, I confronted her. she came clean about it. things settled down briefly, until he began to text me and put her down. he also began the npd dance with her. random texts here and there, no response then he would escalate them to try to get an emotional response from her. this pattern repeated itself for six months.

after it got serious, she insisted on us moving in together. it was great at first, but the stress caused her to split some, and she began to flirt with an older man (she is 38 and this guy is like late 60s). when I found out, she told me that it was because she thought that I didn't want her anymore and that I was dragging my feet on the move, which I admit to. she said that he was harmless and so on. the guy was old and gross, so I didn't get too bothered by it. I don't want to sound egotistical, but I have seen most of the guys that she has dated and married and they are skinny guys. im built like I belong in the wwe, which she loved, but which also wreaked havoc on her esteem because while she has an amazing body, she said that mine made her feel unworthy. I know about the self-esteem issues and so on, so I did everything that I could to build her up.

I have to interject in here that every relationship that she has ever had involved violence and cheating, and every guy treated her like garbage. her kids confirmed that as well. I treated her like a queen. I rubbed her feet daily. when we were in bed, I rubbed her back until we fell asleep. I kissed her hand and held it any chance that I could get. I gave her massages constantly. I rubbed her head and neck almost daily. I got up every morning and made her coffee and breakfast. I literally pampered and spoiled her and she loved it. i did this because i thought that this would help build her confidence and give her some security. i romanced her. i went all out for her because i was trying to give her what she needed and deserved.

she knew that i had dated a BPD before her, so she knew that i had some knowledge of it. the exBPD before her now has a masters in psych and i helped her study and she educated me on it as much as she could in between episodes. i also began to read books on it and do the workbooks. we had long conversations about her condition, and she told me that she has BPD, her secondary is antisocial, and that she has narc traits, with a touch of schizo (her childhood was very VERY traumatic). the talks helped bring us closer together, and helped her relax some. there was one instance of cheating, and we worked through it because i know that she didn't want to do it, the BPD took over. she cried for a while, and spent a few weeks busting her hump to make it up to me, and she did. as this was happening though, the stress of her job at a radio station began to weigh on her and she kept asking me to let her quit, which i told her that as soon as she found another job that i would not say a word to her. she quit last week.

the problem is, in the last three weeks, i kind of shut down on her some due to dealing with the cheating. i rolled away from her in bed partly due to that, but mostly due to injuries on my body resurfacing and me needing to lie on my left side.

as the six months passed, the narc ex continued to create problems for us. he would text her, insult her, be abusive towards her, make threats to her, and text me. im familiar with the whole narc dance, so i kept telling her to not respond to him. i humored him and kept his attention diverted away from her. the guy was actually amusing. he spoke of himself in third person, calls himself a legend, and is just full of himself to the point of it being irritating.

i do need to mention that i have full custody of my 9 year old son that has Down Syndrome, and the two of them hit it off like mother and son. he started calling her mommy, and when she would shows signs of distress, it was like he could see it and would go over to her and i could see her come back. it was amazing to watch her with him. not one single time did he ever feel the effects of her BPD. that being said, last week was thanksgiving, and we had her boys. now the four of us are very rowdy, and we all wrestle and throw each other around. she loved watching me with her boys. it allowed her to have her own little escape time with her thoughts. sometime she joined in.

her oldest began to get a bit out of line and would tell me to shut up over and over. this went on for two days. on Tuesday night, we were lying in bed and she asked me if i wanted to marry her, and if i was serious about it. the last couple of days had actually healed me a lot and i told her yes. she then made me listen to an adam lambert song, 'what do you want from me,' and told me to always remember that those are her words to me, and no matter what, they always will be. she made a playlist of emotional songs that we fell asleep listening to.

now Wednesday, son is telling me to hush repeatedly right in front of her. she didn't even flinch. i left home for work and let some time pass and then mentioned it to her. bad move. first reaction is "you need to back the F@#$ off" and "youre crossing the F%^&*^G line."

i came home from work on thanksgiving day and she was gone. i got a text later in the day stating that it was over and that there would be no discussion. cue the texts from the narc ex. he starts telling me that i should leave her be for a few days and that she would come back. she comes back over later to get some clothes and the expression on her face was just so distant. it didn't even look like her eyes anymore. she was cold. told me that she slept with the ex that night (which later turned out to be a lie) and then proceeded to insult and verbally attack me. she then calls the ex and tells him that she needs him to come help her move her stuff out. i was like what the heck? i don't think so. so we get the sheriff involved to get her out. they almost arrest her and make her leave. from that point on, her texts were cold. the narc ex is blowing my phone up telling me that he doesn't want her and that i should let her come back (i knew what he was doing and just laughed).

while we were waiting on the sheriff to come (i was filming everything with my phone to protect us both), she was telling me that she never loved me, that i was just temporary, and that it had been over for a long time. i saw what was starting to  happen.

over the next two days, she creates arguments over our furniture. i agreed to an equal and fair split of what we bought, but she continued to fight over it. i was ok with us splitting and didn't want the added drama though. she calls me Saturday night to ask if she could spend the night that sunday without me there to pack. i ask her if it was really fake between us and she said yes. it had all been just a lie.

Monday she shows up with movers. in front of the movers she begins to tell me how i was temporary again and that her relationship with the narc was now off limits. she is loud and sheriff comes again. her mom is looking at me with pain all over her face. gf leaves with movers. its just her mom and i now. mom is crying and worried about her daughter. mom tells me that gf realized that she didn't love me as much as she loves the narc ex, but in the past, gf has told me that she knows that she never had actual love for him, that it was just an addiction to the manipulation and abuse.

her mom is worried at this point because she knows that its going to end badly for her daughter with the narc and that she may end up burying her. im trying to comfort her, but i cant stop the words from echoing through my head. her mom is telling me how she can see how bad that her daughter is spinning, and isn't herself.

so my son and i have stayed at my moms for the last few days because the house feels haunted and dreary now. i don't even want to live there anymore because its full of memories of her. yeah, six months isn't a long time, but we were together nonstop that entire time. my son also looks for her constantly.

in our talks, she told me how she continues to go back and forth with the same guys in between relationships. in the last maybe 15 years, im an anomaly in that im a new guy, so i know that she recycles. the other exBPD in my life recycled me as well, but she has found a light at the end of the tunnel after years of therapy.

i know that she devalued me and made me evil. i know that she fell back into the dance with the narc ex and that will end again soon. im the only one that ever gave her hope though. we were going to find a counselor and go together. i know that this is going to end badly for her. she told me that when he threw her out the last time that she almost killed herself. i watched her cry many times begging me to help her over the last six months. she is completely different than the other exBPD, which if i didn't mention, i managed to stay good friends with and helped her through a narc addiction as well.

to those of you with BPD, have you ever had a "what the $#^$ did i just do" moment when things calmed back down? have you ever looked back and thought about how you hurt that person?

her mom has begged me to keep her blocked because she says that i am free of it now, even though we both know whats going to happen. i don't know if i could stand the thought of her funeral though. even with BPD, this woman was incredible, and i think that the world would be a lot less bright without her. im fighting the urge to contact her, but im lost as to what to do from here.

looking for some feedback/advice. any would help... .

[evilpepsi]

i posted this under introduction, so im not sure if that was the right place... .

im new here, and this is my first post. after reading a lot of threads, I cant recall seeing one similar to this. first, here is the scenario.

ran into someone that I have known since 1992, but have not seen in between. she was about a month out of a 3 year r/s with a narc that finally threw her out. their relationship was full of violence, cheating on both sides, both were arrested and a gun was involved, and so much more. the npd didn't want her until she was with me, and then the npd dance would begin. he would text her random bs just to get a response. she would react to it. she would tell me how he hacks into her email, facebook, etc, and how he stalks her.

while we were just casually dating, which we did for several weeks before making it official, she slept with him behind my back. it wasn't much of a big deal because it wasn't exclusive and I was still casually dating someone else.

now when it did get serious, she kept telling me how he wouldn't leave her alone and it was creating problems for her. being that im a guy that's known more for casual dating than being in a relationship, I began to suspect something. I asked her for his number to put an end to it, AND to see if there was more to the story. there was. she was telling him how much she missed him and still loved him. when I found out, I confronted her. she came clean about it. things settled down briefly, until he began to text me and put her down. he also began the npd dance with her. random texts here and there, no response then he would escalate them to try to get an emotional response from her. this pattern repeated itself for six months.

after it got serious, she insisted on us moving in together. it was great at first, but the stress caused her to split some, and she began to flirt with an older man (she is 38 and this guy is like late 60s). when I found out, she told me that it was because she thought that I didn't want her anymore and that I was dragging my feet on the move, which I admit to. she said that he was harmless and so on. the guy was old and gross, so I didn't get too bothered by it. I don't want to sound egotistical, but I have seen most of the guys that she has dated and married and they are skinny guys. im built like I belong in the wwe, which she loved, but which also wreaked havoc on her esteem because while she has an amazing body, she said that mine made her feel unworthy. I know about the self-esteem issues and so on, so I did everything that I could to build her up.

I have to interject in here that every relationship that she has ever had involved violence and cheating, and every guy treated her like garbage. her kids confirmed that as well. I treated her like a queen. I rubbed her feet daily. when we were in bed, I rubbed her back until we fell asleep. I kissed her hand and held it any chance that I could get. I gave her massages constantly. I rubbed her head and neck almost daily. I got up every morning and made her coffee and breakfast. I literally pampered and spoiled her and she loved it. i did this because i thought that this would help build her confidence and give her some security. i romanced her. i went all out for her because i was trying to give her what she needed and deserved.

she knew that i had dated a BPD before her, so she knew that i had some knowledge of it. the exBPD before her now has a masters in psych and i helped her study and she educated me on it as much as she could in between episodes. i also began to read books on it and do the workbooks. we had long conversations about her condition, and she told me that she has BPD, her secondary is antisocial, and that she has narc traits, with a touch of schizo (her childhood was very VERY traumatic). the talks helped bring us closer together, and helped her relax some. there was one instance of cheating, and we worked through it because i know that she didn't want to do it, the BPD took over. she cried for a while, and spent a few weeks busting her hump to make it up to me, and she did. as this was happening though, the stress of her job at a radio station began to weigh on her and she kept asking me to let her quit, which i told her that as soon as she found another job that i would not say a word to her. she quit last week.

the problem is, in the last three weeks, i kind of shut down on her some due to dealing with the cheating. i rolled away from her in bed partly due to that, but mostly due to injuries on my body resurfacing and me needing to lie on my left side.

as the six months passed, the narc ex continued to create problems for us. he would text her, insult her, be abusive towards her, make threats to her, and text me. im familiar with the whole narc dance, so i kept telling her to not respond to him. i humored him and kept his attention diverted away from her. the guy was actually amusing. he spoke of himself in third person, calls himself a legend, and is just full of himself to the point of it being irritating.

i do need to mention that i have full custody of my 9 year old son that has Down Syndrome, and the two of them hit it off like mother and son. he started calling her mommy, and when she would shows signs of distress, it was like he could see it and would go over to her and i could see her come back. it was amazing to watch her with him. not one single time did he ever feel the effects of her BPD. that being said, last week was thanksgiving, and we had her boys. now the four of us are very rowdy, and we all wrestle and throw each other around. she loved watching me with her boys. it allowed her to have her own little escape time with her thoughts. sometime she joined in.

her oldest began to get a bit out of line and would tell me to shut up over and over. this went on for two days. on Tuesday night, we were lying in bed and she asked me if i wanted to marry her, and if i was serious about it. the last couple of days had actually healed me a lot and i told her yes. she then made me listen to an adam lambert song, 'what do you want from me,' and told me to always remember that those are her words to me, and no matter what, they always will be. she made a playlist of emotional songs that we fell asleep listening to.

now Wednesday, son is telling me to hush repeatedly right in front of her. she didn't even flinch. i left home for work and let some time pass and then mentioned it to her. bad move. first reaction is "you need to back the F@#$ off" and "youre crossing the F%^&*^G line."

i came home from work on thanksgiving day and she was gone. i got a text later in the day stating that it was over and that there would be no discussion. cue the texts from the narc ex. he starts telling me that i should leave her be for a few days and that she would come back. she comes back over later to get some clothes and the expression on her face was just so distant. it didn't even look like her eyes anymore. she was cold. told me that she slept with the ex that night (which later turned out to be a lie) and then proceeded to insult and verbally attack me. she then calls the ex and tells him that she needs him to come help her move her stuff out. i was like what the heck? i don't think so. so we get the sheriff involved to get her out. they almost arrest her and make her leave. from that point on, her texts were cold. the narc ex is blowing my phone up telling me that he doesn't want her and that i should let her come back (i knew what he was doing and just laughed).

while we were waiting on the sheriff to come (i was filming everything with my phone to protect us both), she was telling me that she never loved me, that i was just temporary, and that it had been over for a long time. i saw what was starting to  happen.

over the next two days, she creates arguments over our furniture. i agreed to an equal and fair split of what we bought, but she continued to fight over it. i was ok with us splitting and didn't want the added drama though. she calls me Saturday night to ask if she could spend the night that sunday without me there to pack. i ask her if it was really fake between us and she said yes. it had all been just a lie.

Monday she shows up with movers. in front of the movers she begins to tell me how i was temporary again and that her relationship with the narc was now off limits. she is loud and sheriff comes again. her mom is looking at me with pain all over her face. gf leaves with movers. its just her mom and i now. mom is crying and worried about her daughter. mom tells me that gf realized that she didn't love me as much as she loves the narc ex, but in the past, gf has told me that she knows that she never had actual love for him, that it was just an addiction to the manipulation and abuse.

her mom is worried at this point because she knows that its going to end badly for her daughter with the narc and that she may end up burying her. im trying to comfort her, but i cant stop the words from echoing through my head. her mom is telling me how she can see how bad that her daughter is spinning, and isn't herself.

so my son and i have stayed at my moms for the last few days because the house feels haunted and dreary now. i don't even want to live there anymore because its full of memories of her. yeah, six months isn't a long time, but we were together nonstop that entire time. my son also looks for her constantly.

in our talks, she told me how she continues to go back and forth with the same guys in between relationships. in the last maybe 15 years, im an anomaly in that im a new guy, so i know that she recycles. the other exBPD in my life recycled me as well, but she has found a light at the end of the tunnel after years of therapy.

i know that she devalued me and made me evil. i know that she fell back into the dance with the narc ex and that will end again soon. im the only one that ever gave her hope though. we were going to find a counselor and go together. i know that this is going to end badly for her. she told me that when he threw her out the last time that she almost killed herself. i watched her cry many times begging me to help her over the last six months. she is completely different than the other exBPD, which if i didn't mention, i managed to stay good friends with and helped her through a narc addiction as well.

to those of you with BPD, have you ever had a "what the $#^$ did i just do" moment when things calmed back down? have you ever looked back and thought about how you hurt that person?

her mom has begged me to keep her blocked because she says that i am free of it now, even though we both know whats going to happen. i don't know if i could stand the thought of her funeral though. even with BPD, this woman was incredible, and i think that the world would be a lot less bright without her. im fighting the urge to contact her, but im lost as to what to do from here.

looking for some feedback/advice. any would help... .