Turn back time

[Trog]

I think the point of this fiasco is to eventually feel glad you met them because you are healed, out the other side, with someone new and have learnt to not take terrible behaviour and understand yourself and boundaries lalala, I can see it up ahead in the distance and on odd days I do feel that but mostly I am still wishing I'd never met her, I'd be financially better off, I wouldn't have her still trying to contact me, I'd not have lost my happy go lucky sense of humour and I'm sure I wouldn't have this much grey hair!

I think knowing where you are on the 'wishing you could turn back time' scale may be a good barometer as to how far you are recovered. It took some time to get past the 'wishing I could do things differently, tell her she had BPD, hoping she would get help stage' to the 'I wish we'd never met, where's my shovel' stage.

Is the next stage freedom and happiness? Please tell me so! I want to be attracted to other women but my body is shut down, I don't want her, just want no one and can imagine wanting to either.

Where are you in the turn back time?

[evilpepsi]

I think the point of this fiasco is to eventually feel glad you met them because you are healed, out the other side, with someone new and have learnt to not take terrible behaviour and understand yourself and boundaries lalala, I can see it up ahead in the distance and on odd days I do feel that but mostly I am still wishing I'd never met her, I'd be financially better off, I wouldn't have her still trying to contact me, I'd not have lost my happy go lucky sense of humour and I'm sure I wouldn't have this much grey hair!

I think knowing where you are on the 'wishing you could turn back time' scale may be a good barometer as to how far you are recovered. It took some time to get past the 'wishing I could do things differently, tell her she had BPD, hoping she would get help stage' to the 'I wish we'd never met, where's my shovel' stage.

Is the next stage freedom and happiness? Please tell me so! I want to be attracted to other women but my body is shut down, I don't want her, just want no one and can imagine wanting to either.

Where are you in the turn back time?

im new to this forum and just split with mine on turkey day, so the dust hasn't settled yet. she is not my first BPD though. what im taking away from all of this is the fact that i did have some wonderful memories with her and ill always cherish them. i got to love her, and for a brief while, that fire raged hot enough to keep us both warm on cold nights... .

[Deeno02]

I dont feel glade I met her. I think about it dailey and shake my head on how I just ignored all the signs and flags and such. I dread the day I met her and she started pursuing me. Nothing good came of this 16 months, nothing. All it did was make me sad, depressed and not trusting of most women. It has profoundly changed me from who I used to be, to this untrusting guy I am now. If I could go back in time, I would have set boundaries and stuck to them. Maybe we would still be together, maybe not, but with those boundaries in place, I wouldnt be feeling like someone just had prison sex with my heart.

[going places]

I think the point of this fiasco is to eventually feel glad you met them because you are healed, out the other side, with someone new and have learnt to not take terrible behaviour and understand yourself and boundaries lalala, I can see it up ahead in the distance and on odd days I do feel that but mostly I am still wishing I'd never met her, I'd be financially better off, I wouldn't have her still trying to contact me, I'd not have lost my happy go lucky sense of humour and I'm sure I wouldn't have this much grey hair!

I think knowing where you are on the 'wishing you could turn back time' scale may be a good barometer as to how far you are recovered. It took some time to get past the 'wishing I could do things differently, tell her she had BPD, hoping she would get help stage' to the 'I wish we'd never met, where's my shovel' stage.

Is the next stage freedom and happiness? Please tell me so! I want to be attracted to other women but my body is shut down, I don't want her, just want no one and can imagine wanting to either.

Where are you in the turn back time?

I am past it.

I'd have to wind the clock back 25 YEARS... .

That takes too much time and effort and mental / emotional stress.

So I don't look 'back' anymore.

I just keep looking forward.

I still feel like I am 'cheating' when men pay me attention... .it makes me feel ackward and uncomfortable.

I still have a lot of work to do on "me".

[Deeno02]

I think the point of this fiasco is to eventually feel glad you met them because you are healed, out the other side, with someone new and have learnt to not take terrible behaviour and understand yourself and boundaries lalala, I can see it up ahead in the distance and on odd days I do feel that but mostly I am still wishing I'd never met her, I'd be financially better off, I wouldn't have her still trying to contact me, I'd not have lost my happy go lucky sense of humour and I'm sure I wouldn't have this much grey hair!

I think knowing where you are on the 'wishing you could turn back time' scale may be a good barometer as to how far you are recovered. It took some time to get past the 'wishing I could do things differently, tell her she had BPD, hoping she would get help stage' to the 'I wish we'd never met, where's my shovel' stage.

Is the next stage freedom and happiness? Please tell me so! I want to be attracted to other women but my body is shut down, I don't want her, just want no one and can imagine wanting to either.

Where are you in the turn back time?

I am past it.

I'd have to wind the clock back 25 YEARS... .

That takes too much time and effort and mental / emotional stress.

So I don't look 'back' anymore.

I just keep looking forward.

I still feel like I am 'cheating' when men pay me attention... .it makes me feel ackward and uncomfortable.

I still have a lot of work to do on "me".

Good point. I find my self more distant towards women now. I know they are flirting or are interested, but I ignore it. I really dont want to be bothered with it yet... .

[going places]

Good point. I find my self more distant towards women now. I know they are flirting or are interested, but I ignore it. I really dont want to be bothered with it yet... .

I would LOVE to have a friend... .someone to go to the movies with or dinner with or see some live music (bar or venue)... .just someone to pal around with.

I gave up all my friends (they were all guys) because I was told it was disrespectful to have male friends.

I was looking on a 'dating site' to see if there was such a thing as 'just hanging out / making friends, etc'

Uh, no.

Freaked me out... .that is too much weirdness for me.

I guess it's my age... .I'm old fashioned.

[Deeno02]

Good point. I find my self more distant towards women now. I know they are flirting or are interested, but I ignore it. I really dont want to be bothered with it yet... .

I would LOVE to have a friend... .someone to go to the movies with or dinner with or see some live music (bar or venue)... .just someone to pal around with.

I gave up all my friends (they were all guys) because I was told it was disrespectful to have male friends.

I was looking on a 'dating site' to see if there was such a thing as 'just hanging out / making friends, etc'

Uh, no.

Freaked me out... .that is too much weirdness for me.

I guess it's my age... .I'm old fashioned.

Same here. It was bad enough when my wife took off and left me at age 48. Met my ex/BPDgf at 49, now after that ___ sandwich I was fed for 16 months, Im starting all over again at 51. Sucks to be me... .

[going places]

Good point. I find my self more distant towards women now. I know they are flirting or are interested, but I ignore it. I really dont want to be bothered with it yet... .

I would LOVE to have a friend... .someone to go to the movies with or dinner with or see some live music (bar or venue)... .just someone to pal around with.

I gave up all my friends (they were all guys) because I was told it was disrespectful to have male friends.

I was looking on a 'dating site' to see if there was such a thing as 'just hanging out / making friends, etc'

Uh, no.

Freaked me out... .that is too much weirdness for me.

I guess it's my age... .I'm old fashioned.

Same here. It was bad enough when my wife took off and left me at age 48. Met my ex/BPDgf at 49, now after that ___ sandwich I was fed for 16 months, Im starting all over again at 51. Sucks to be me... .

See... .I am in the same boat as you to a point.

Ex ditched us about the same age your ex peaced out.

I will not get into a relationship now cause I know there is A LOT of damage to repair, and recovery to be made before *I* am ready to have a healthy relationship with ANYONE.

I used to get into a spin cycle that "WOW I am almost 50 no one will want me" wa wa wa... .

I am to the point now where I know, once I am on the road to recovery, and I get 'me' back... .

Then I will attract 'healthy' people, and in return, will be able to have a healthy relationship!

[Deeno02]

Good point. I find my self more distant towards women now. I know they are flirting or are interested, but I ignore it. I really dont want to be bothered with it yet... .

I would LOVE to have a friend... .someone to go to the movies with or dinner with or see some live music (bar or venue)... .just someone to pal around with.

I gave up all my friends (they were all guys) because I was told it was disrespectful to have male friends.

I was looking on a 'dating site' to see if there was such a thing as 'just hanging out / making friends, etc'

Uh, no.

Freaked me out... .that is too much weirdness for me.

I guess it's my age... .I'm old fashioned.

Same here. It was bad enough when my wife took off and left me at age 48. Met my ex/BPDgf at 49, now after that ___ sandwich I was fed for 16 months, Im starting all over again at 51. Sucks to be me... .

See... .I am in the same boat as you to a point.

Ex ditched us about the same age your ex peaced out.

I will not get into a relationship now cause I know there is A LOT of damage to repair, and recovery to be made before *I* am ready to have a healthy relationship with ANYONE.

I used to get into a spin cycle that "WOW I am almost 50 no one will want me" wa wa wa... .

I am to the point now where I know, once I am on the road to recovery, and I get 'me' back... .

Then I will attract 'healthy' people, and in return, will be able to have a healthy relationship!

WOW GP, me to.Felt freaking lonely as well and was blubbering that no one will want me at age 51. Gotta fix that... .

[going places]

WOW GP, me to.Felt freaking lonely as well and was blubbering that no one will want me at age 51. Gotta fix that... .

I personally am fixing ME so I can live with me.

If I attract someone else along the way... .groovy.

But that is not my goal.

I am all about fixing me right now... .

[Deeno02]

WOW GP, me to.Felt freaking lonely as well and was blubbering that no one will want me at age 51. Gotta fix that... .

I personally am fixing ME so I can live with me.

If I attract someone else along the way... .groovy.

But that is not my goal.

I am all about fixing me right now... .

Indeed... .

[Pingo]

Trog, I have never felt like I wished I hadn't met him.  I'm too much of a believer that everything happens for a reason.  I do however regret marrying him. I am still carrying a lot of shame and guilt over that one.  And I'm scared that I could convince myself it was a good idea.  Scared that I'm capable of shutting down or twisting my feelings that much.  Because I knew who he was before we married.

I am past the stage where I wished I knew about BPD, etc.  I was not perfect in the r/s but I know I gave it my all.  I loved him as best as I could.  I think I was a pretty good gf/wife.  I was very generous of my time and love.  To my detriment. 

I know this r/s and BU has given me a huge opportunity for growth and healing.  It is so damn hard some days.  I am in huge debt financially and emotionally.  I suffer from some PTS symptoms, I have triggers that make me feel like I'm crazy.  But I keep putting one foot in front of the other.  That's all I can do.  I do believe freedom and happiness is possible.  Not sure how long it will take to get there but I will get there.

[ShadowIntheNight]

I'm not sure yet. Some days I wish I had never heard her name, some days I value her, some days I'm ambivalent. As far as losing the time in my life I can't change that, but I know I'm a good decent person and not having to deal with her daily chaos since June has helped me to have some days where I actually feel like I did before she wore me down. As for a new person in my life? Not even on my horizon.

I've mostly noticed that I'm not as angry or wound up as I had been primarily b/c she had gotten to the place where she never asked how I was or what I had been doing. I clearly repressed my feelings about that and didn't say anything b/c we were dealing with a drawn out custody battle with her ex husband. (You can read my story on the newbie board). I didn't want to make things worse by pointing out I was being ignored.

So today I don't know if I wish I hadn't met her. I know I miss our life together today, I miss her voice and laugh. I suspect if I heard them today, if she's been mirroring the new people in her life, I wouldn't know her. And that really makes me sad.

[Conundrum]

Decoupling from an intense relationship is an intense process. Unweaving the threads, by going back to the source material that comprises one's self. A taste for the idyllic leaves a craving for more, though the scorching of the idyllic burns.

Starting over is a misnomer, because life is a continuum. Chapters beget new chapters in our emergent stories. I was with my pwBPD for seven years. Young, beautiful, compatible--meaning many things to me. Until--disintegration.

To be alone again at 50. Uggg! But still not alone. Vibrancy permeates in many ways. Children, career, and an abiding curiosity that does not diminish. But it all takes a degree of courage and belief.

To get out there again and meet people, just for that sake alone. To enjoy another's company and let things be. Eventually, you will come back to yourself. That feeling of harmony and balance. Where a fallen attachment does not consume you.

I have no desire to turn back the hands of time. I do not hate my former love. There is too much hate on a grand scale in this world. She is the swirling storm, causing more damage to herself than she could ever cause me. Whether she possesses the ability to internalize that via self-awareness is neither my obligation nor responsibility. We shared much over time. That time ended, consumed by fire.

Time passes. Another has entered my life, in an unexpected way. A new passion blooms. Life flows forward, as all things change.            

[downwhim]

Try being a woman at 59 and single now after being with my exBPD for 9 years. I want to turn back the hands of time and be who I was. I am working on recovery now but wonder if I will ever meet someone again! Dating sites repulse me right now. I concentrate on working out, reading and learning all I can to get healthy and hanging out with girlfriends (that does get old). I am told I am attractive and fun to be with but I feel very wounded inside. I wish I had never met him. He was a waste of my time. I could have been with a healthy man instead but after all I have read maybe with my codependency I would not have attracted that.

I also think how my options are fading due to age!  OK. I sound like a victim right?

[Deeno02]

Try being a woman at 59 and single now after being with my exBPD for 9 years. I want to turn back the hands of time and be who I was. I am working on recovery now but wonder if I will ever meet someone again! Dating sites repulse me right now. I concentrate on working out, reading and learning all I can to get healthy and hanging out with girlfriends (that does get old). I am told I am attractive and fun to be with but I feel very wounded inside. I wish I had never met him. He was a waste of my time. I could have been with a healthy man instead but after all I have read maybe with my codependency I would not have attracted that.

I also think how my options are fading due to age!  OK. I sound like a victim right?

No you dont sound like a victim. Its a concern for us over 50. Doesn't make a difference if it was caused by a death, a divorce or some freaking jackass we became involved with. We arent 20 anymore. I know Im feeling the same way. Wondering why she didnt want me anymore and what do i do now? Im 4 months out now and sometimes I panic because I dont want to be alone. I know that its ok to be alone, but a little freaked out by it.



t