Struggling with NC

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I went NC two days ago, saying I needed some space for myself and time to think things through. The relationship ended about four months ago (you can read the entire story here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=234085.msg12501163#msg12501163) but we have been unable to stop talking to each other. I find my thoughts going in circles, sometimes thinking I have to get out of this situation and sometimes thinking it's okay, I can talk to him until I find someone else. And then just maintain LC or nothing at all. I realize this is not healthy and talking to him has made me feel really anxious, especially the constant barrage of "I miss you" messages from him, which is why I decided to take a time-out. But now not talking to him is making me equally anxious  .

I'm worried what will happen next. I don't know if I'll be able to do this. I'm already struggling with not messaging him and I think he will get really angry and mean soon, once he realizes I'm not contacting him. He already responded to my message about needing some space in a fairly passive-aggressive way: "okay, enjoy your space!". And then suddenly he was super understanding and said "okay, just take your time. but when you decide to talk to me again, just message me, okay?". I don't know what I should do next. I want to protect myself from all the drama, and it's making me want to contact him again and maintain LC.

NC seems to be a lot easier when you are angry.

[meghna]

I went NC two days ago, saying I needed some space for myself and time to think things through. The relationship ended about four months ago (you can read the entire story here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=234085.msg12501163#msg12501163) but we have been unable to stop talking to each other. I find my thoughts going in circles, sometimes thinking I have to get out of this situation and sometimes thinking it's okay, I can talk to him until I find someone else. And then just maintain LC or nothing at all. I realize this is not healthy and talking to him has made me feel really anxious, especially the constant barrage of "I miss you" messages from him, which is why I decided to take a time-out. But now not talking to him is making me equally anxious  .

I'm worried what will happen next. I don't know if I'll be able to do this. I'm already struggling with not messaging him and I think he will get really angry and mean soon, once he realizes I'm not contacting him. He already responded to my message about needing some space in a fairly passive-aggressive way: "okay, enjoy your space!". And then suddenly he was super understanding and said "okay, just take your time. but when you decide to talk to me again, just message me, okay?". I don't know what I should do next. I want to protect myself from all the drama, and it's making me want to contact him again and maintain LC.

NC seems to be a lot easier when you are angry.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey meghna, Your feelings are quite normal and to be expected, though that doesn't mean that you need to act on them.  Just sit with your feelings and observe, without the need to do anything.  As others have noted, a r/s with a pwBPD has an addictive quality to it, and you are experiencing something similar to withdrawal symptoms, in my view.  You did the right thing by carving out some space for yourself -- this is a good example of setting a boundary.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[meghna]

Thanks, Lucky Jim.

I have to say I caved in yesterday and talked to my ex for some time. But I'm still resolved to continue taking a time-out. It's really annoying that they suddenly start acting all nice the minute they think they are losing you!

[Moselle]

Meghna,

Well done for your awareness of what's happening. That is really a healthy place to be. And well done for lasting 2 days! I remember when I went 2 days NC with my BPD/NPD wife for the first time. It was nerve-wracking and I was desperate to pick up the phone and call her. That was 9 months ago and I'm so grateful that I did hold out. It has precipitated and incredibly enlightening journey for me about myself and my role in this relationship. It also began a process of me putting personal boundaries in place.

Next time try to remember that you have a choice. If you make a decision to do something, do it. And be proud for holding out.

I've learned that they begin to respect us, when we stick to our decisions and boundaries.

Have a look at this link about boundaries. It has made a huge difference for me:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

[meghna]

So, I wasn't able to stick to NC. Today I asked him if he still loves me since he's constantly telling me how much he misses me. The answer I got was "you know I'm married now, right?". So I really don't know what missing someone means to him then. Probably something sexual. I think this was what I needed, though, in order to go completly NC. I really don't need to be treated like this   The good thing is I'm not hurting as much as I once would have. Now I'm just done.