making excuses...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So today another person asked me what happened when she found out that I'm now single. I had to explain to her what BPD is to avoid using the crazy ex cliche. Seems that's all that I have done in the last week. Now it's getting old. I'm doing great until someone asks. I know that I'm still going to get asked about it but I can't break that cycle.

Its freaking frustrating... .

[evilpepsi]

So today another person asked me what happened when she found out that I'm now single. I had to explain to her what BPD is to avoid using the crazy ex cliche. Seems that's all that I have done in the last week. Now it's getting old. I'm doing great until someone asks. I know that I'm still going to get asked about it but I can't break that cycle.

Its freaking frustrating... .

[billypilgrim]

Yep.  It gets old fast.  Especially when everyone around you seems to always be surprised to hear the news.  I typically go with "she has some things she's going to need to work out for herself" if it's someone that I don't frequently talk to.  And if it's someone I see more regularly, then I fill in the blanks a little more.  It's still awkward.  But that's just one more reason never to be with someone like this ever again.

[Infern0]

I had a bad situation because she had infiltrated my social circle when we got together and my friends were then her friends. Or more like they put up with her for my benefit.

After everything went down I was left to explain everything and though I wanted to keep it as quiet and easy as possible she started to behave rather erratic,  and I then had no choice but to communicate what she was and what she had done.

This of course enraged her and she kept attacking me. Until I gave the phone to my Dhpd friend who she's terrified of and she got rid of her for a while.

[evilpepsi]

I had a bad situation because she had infiltrated my social circle when we got together and my friends were then her friends. Or more like they put up with her for my benefit.

After everything went down I was left to explain everything and though I wanted to keep it as quiet and easy as possible she started to behave rather erratic,  and I then had no choice but to communicate what she was and what she had done.

This of course enraged her and she kept attacking me. Until I gave the phone to my Dhpd friend who she's terrified of and she got rid of her for a while.

That's similar to my situation. She became part of my circle. Her daughters dad wants my son and I to stay a part of her life. He has custody, so she can't say anything, but it's going to be hard.

[peiper]

It definitely gets old. I just matter factly state she had a boyfriend and I don't share.

[Elpis]

I ended up being sorry for telling some people what I thought was going on with my uBPDh (we're separated) because it sounded like an excuse on my part since i'm the one who left. And my T says you don't have to tell anybody anything if you don't want to, and just change the subject. "We're not together anymore" and it doesn't have to be any more of an explanation than that!

It's especially bad if when we find ourselves telling someone about the breakup and it causes us more pain... .AGAIN. 

[Faith1520]

It is so hard to explain BPD. I think a lot of the websites and books do a great job but it's definitely one of those things you have to experience to really "get" Even with a great description, the things that these people will do and the way they twist things is so far out that most people just can't fathom.

I'm not looking forward to being asked either. If it's extended family or friend that I'm not that close with ill just say we weren't compatible or at most he has some things to work through. I wonder if some people would 100% believe me anyways if I told them the truth. He always acted WONDERFUL around everyone else. They might just think I'm trying to make him sound bad, which is actually the opposite of what I want. To this day I don't think he's a bad person and I don't want others to think that either.

I think it's rude to ask someone "What happened?" when they find out your relationship ended. Unless it's a close friend or family member, it's none of their business! I would never ask an acquaintance something so personal, I figure if they want to tell me they'll tell me. Plus you never know what people are going through. Same with asking someone when they're going to get married, or when they're going to have children. It blows my mind how many people out there think thats okay.

[OutOfEgypt]

Why explain it to everyone who asks?  Do they need to know?  Are you afraid your ex will "get off scott free" if the person somehow thinks it was just a "normal" breakup?  Who gives a #%.  Just tell them, "Yeah, it didn't work out, but I am doing much better now and it was a really good decision."

For what it's worth, I like the description of BPD found in one of my favorite shows, Criminal Minds.  It goes something like this:  A person with Borderline Personality Disorder believes that all of their interpersonal relationships should revolve completely around them, and they are extremely sensitive to anything perceived as rejection.  It leaves a lot out, for sure, like the punishing, the gaslighting, the manipulation, the destruction of our identity and self-esteem, but it basically captures the essence of it.

[enlighten me]

Its easy enough to say they had problems and when people ask more you know they just dont get it. It would be so much easier if there was a tv character that you could relate them to. Even with my family they just dont get it. They think she was just a nasty piece of work and dont understand why I stayed with her.

Its hard to explain how deeply emeshed you where and how they kept you in a punch drunk state. How you didnt know up from down. You knew something was wrong but so many things seemed right. You believed it was you at fault so tried your best to make up for it.

So many little things that when taken out of context sound stupid.

[OutOfEgypt]

There have been a few people I've given this article to:

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm

After reading it, they said, "Before, I didn't quite understand.  You are a smart guy.  I had no idea how you got caught up with someone like this and stayed for so long.  But now I get it.  I'm really sorry."

[Deeno02]

Frankly, Im all out of fu*ks to give anymore to explain it. Ive explained it enough. She can explain to her friends on how the "love of her life" was in her house hanging with her kids and her, all family like literally one week and the following week, theres a bald ass skeletor looking jackass doing the same thing. That alone speaks volumes over anything else I could possibly say... All her friends and family have got to be thinking What the heck?

[evilpepsi]

Frankly, Im all out of fu*ks to give anymore to explain it. Ive explained it enough. She can explain to her friends on how the "love of her life" was in her house hanging with her kids and her, all family like literally one week and the following week, theres a bald ass skeletor looking jackass doing the same thing. That alone speaks volumes over anything else I could possibly say... All her friends and family have got to be thinking What the heck?

Mine left me on thanksgiving day and moved in with an ex that night. Smdh... .

[Elpis]

My T told me "who cares what other people think?" And I actually went to sleep a few nights repeating "who cares? who cares?" But it helped me detach from that need to have everyone's good opinion of me.