Recycling and the Holidays - what is your advice to others?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Recycling is a reality.  

So other than "don't do it", what it the best practical advice to give our colleagues going back in.

Over the years we have seen many members recycle back into the relationship.  It happens more at this time than any other. Here is some member data on recycling frequency.

Members ------------- 9% 17% 35% 16% 22%

Recycled ------------- None 1-2 times 3-5 times 6-10 times 11+ times

See survey here

Please summarize the advice bullets and then explain why.  I'll start:

 Post on the Staying Board
So many times we go back in we go back in and relay the exact role that didn't work before.  The staying board is focused on two things: learning relationship tools, and exploring the dysfunction we are adding to the relationship conflict.

I know members stay away because they are embarrassed or get well intentioned (but not helpful) interventions from old friends - but I can't imagine going in without having a new gameplan.  Nothing changes without changes.

[Skip]

Recycling is a reality.  

So other than "don't do it", what it the best practical advice to give our colleagues going back in.

Over the years we have seen many members recycle back into the relationship.  It happens more at this time than any other. Here is some member data on recycling frequency.

Members ------------- 9% 17% 35% 16% 22%

Recycled ------------- None 1-2 times 3-5 times 6-10 times 11+ times

See survey here

Please summarize the advice bullets and then explain why.  I'll start:

 Post on the Staying Board
So many times we go back in we go back in and relay the exact role that didn't work before.  The staying board is focused on two things: learning relationship tools, and exploring the dysfunction we are adding to the relationship conflict.

I know members stay away because they are embarrassed or get well intentioned (but not helpful) interventions from old friends - but I can't imagine going in without having a new gameplan.  Nothing changes without changes.

[MissyM]

  Learn boundaries and skills that reinforce what you want and need.

Well, we have recycled many times.  We even divorced once and remarried.  So my advice would be get very clear about what you need and want in this relationship.  Then learn boundaries and skills that reinforce what you want and need.  That all sounds so simple but believe me, it is a lot of work and effort.  Part of me learning my wants, needs and boundaries was exploring why I hadn't ever been clear with that myself.  My part of the puzzle and wounding that I was bringing to the relationship had to be addressed.  All of these things are still ongoing and being refined, as well as my own personal growth continuing.  Now I am at the point of being ready to grow the relationship.

[Grey Kitty]

Don't lose yourself and forget to make your own choices.

I've aced boundaries so that I don't get abused or forced into where I DON'T want to go. However I wasn't making active choices about what I DID want to do. That's where I'm working now.

Hmmmm. We didn't quite break up, so I guess it isn't quite a recycle. Somehow it does feel too close to it for me not to comment. We have been physically separated for a while now, and will stay that way for weeks or months ahead. We are reconciling.

I'm nervous of going back to not making my own choices and living my own life for myself, and instead following her around and trying to make sure she doesn't go somewhere i don't like.

I'm nervous about losing my hard-won changes. My wife just showed me something I wrote for our blog five years ago, when we were separated, and I was doing similar changes to now... .and I see how much I fell back into the old patterns after that.

[HappyNihilist]

Keep a Journal or Thought Record

It's important to take care of yourself. Keeping a journal or thought record is a tremendous help for processing your feelings.

The basic tool of cognitive therapy is the thought record. A thought record is a journal in which you write down your thoughts and take the time analyze them. It gives you the chance to reflect on your thinking after the fact, when you’re not reacting out of fear or anger, so that you can come up with healthier alternatives.

(from Cognitive Therapy Guide, go here for more information and an example)

[kc sunshine]

Hi all,

That is very interesting about recycling happening more over the holidays than other times. I think (pretty sure) my ex pwBPD made a recycling attempt before Thanksgiving. Is it that this time is one of more intense longing and loneliness because of the family-based nature of these holidays?

[Skip]

   Don't ask your partner to apologize or heal your wounds and insecurities from the break-up

is likely the most important thing on your mind and the last on theirs.  The bottom line is that it was an irreconcilable difference that caused the split and while both may try to discuss this at first, soon all kinds of triggers will go off on both sides.  They may even want you to apologize or heal their wounds. The temptation will be great to go back to this and its probably the #1 action that brings members back.  Starting over is starting over and that includes avoiding the triggers and insecurities. It's best to talk these all through with others facing the same over on the Staying Board.  

[123Phoebe]

 Stay out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt)

Stay out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) and get clear on why you're wanting to pursue this relationship, again... .


 Don't make mountains out of molehills

Don't make mountains out of molehills, thinking that every disagreement is BPD-related.  And if you do, come here to learn how to better communicate with your loved one, realizing and believing that lemonade can be made out of lemons.


 Get in touch with your values

Get in touch with your values and express them in ways that don't blame your partner.  


 Be consistent and respectful

Be consistent and respectfu, not only to them, but to yourself; it's essential in building trust and confidence.


Take it slow... .

[Hawk Ridge]

Is it more common then to recycle during the holidays?

[Skip]

Is it more common then to recycle during the holidays?

Recycling is something that both parties do.  And yes, the holidays do bring folks together.

Any suggestions for anyone facing this?

[Deeno02]

As far as I know, she's still with the replacement and I'm alone, so I don't think there will be a recycle. I don't want one. However, I plan to stay as busy as I can over the holidays and get through it. I'm 4 months out and very, very lonely. My only advice I can offer is to not to do it. I sure as heck wouldn't if it came to be. Being with her again would kill me. Final thought, it's your choice, as with everything else is in life. Make sure you make the right one for you...

[Infern0]

  Decide on your boundaries and stick to them.

It's easy to go back in with a gameplan and lose yourself within minutes of being in their company. You must remember to stick to boundaries and remember that you are dealing with a BPD person.

[downwhim]

I hope fear and loneliness do not make me recycle over the holidays. I too am so very lonely and turned down a party tonight because it seemed too much for me but... .I know if I go back it will be nothing but pain down the road. A borderline that does not admit he has a problem is so... .hard to deal with. I have been working on my issues but I know he is with rebound and definitely not working on his. It would be a disaster.

[Tibbles]

Love this thread. Thank you. I'm doing lots of reading, hoping to stay focused and not recycle. It's probably not an option but I want to reach out - the rescuer in me. Christmas is hard.

[guy4caligirl]

Did any of you had a jolly Christmas with the ex , I never did in five years !

[Deeno02]

Did any of you had a jolly Christmas with the ex , I never did in five years !

Well it was odd because it was our first together and her first not being married. Overall, it was ok for the most part. However, there was no repeat!... .

[downwhim]

Nope, We were never really "allowed" to have real fun so a holly, jolly Christmas wasn't the way it came down. Last year I took a family picture and he refused to send them out. One year we volunteered at a Rescue Mission and served food on Christmas. I had to hear how his car may get broken into while we served and why did I make him do this but that was worth it, fulfilling and I think at the end of the day he felt good about it too.

Valentines was always a nightmare. He would find a way to ruin it.   Thanksgiving now will always be a bad day for me because he asked me to marry him then dumped me. So, no. the holidays were not great with him. We gave each other gifts and we gave gifts to each others kids. He had his tree I had mine. No shared households. Just ok. not really great.

[kc sunshine]

This is a great thread, thank you.