Anyone else embarassed about counseling?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

First appointment is next Thursday.

I got to experience the gender bias over domestic issues first-hand. Real eye-opening experience. The kind of stuff that makes you terrified of being in the same room as a girl, any girl, let alone someone with BPD. Basically, if you're a guy, and you try and take care of this stuff the proper way, you'll run full speed into a brick wall and get told "that's just how things are."

It's a very upsetting lesson to learn. Fortunately, there's some decent people behind me and I've been hooked up with what appears to be some nice people to talk to.

Now, is it normal to feel embarrassed about attending counseling? I'm 22, most people my age dip out of work early to go camping or something, not to willingly go talk about what's essentially their feelings getting hurt in a really strange, manipulative relationship. And like the brick wall I mentioned above, there seems to be this stigma surrounding being a dude in this scenario, especially at 22 - people jump to the wrong conclusions and it only confuses and hurts you more... .

Can anyone share their experiences?

[.cup.car]

First appointment is next Thursday.

I got to experience the gender bias over domestic issues first-hand. Real eye-opening experience. The kind of stuff that makes you terrified of being in the same room as a girl, any girl, let alone someone with BPD. Basically, if you're a guy, and you try and take care of this stuff the proper way, you'll run full speed into a brick wall and get told "that's just how things are."

It's a very upsetting lesson to learn. Fortunately, there's some decent people behind me and I've been hooked up with what appears to be some nice people to talk to.

Now, is it normal to feel embarrassed about attending counseling? I'm 22, most people my age dip out of work early to go camping or something, not to willingly go talk about what's essentially their feelings getting hurt in a really strange, manipulative relationship. And like the brick wall I mentioned above, there seems to be this stigma surrounding being a dude in this scenario, especially at 22 - people jump to the wrong conclusions and it only confuses and hurts you more... .

Can anyone share their experiences?

[Pingo]

Hi .cup.car, I'm not a dude and I'm a lot older than you but I have to say I get embarrassed at how vulnerable I am in my counsellor's office.  I want to get my money's worth so I open up as fully as possible.  And this is difficult, I've spent my life protecting myself from vulnerability.  I don't deal well with embarrassment.  But at the end of the session I always walk out of there feeling a little less crazy and a lot more validated. 

Keep focused on the goal.  Your mental health, happiness and freedom.  The fact you are giving counselling a try shows an eagerness to heal and a lot of maturity.  And you don't have to tell anyone about it if you don't want to.  I tell my closest friends, they are very supportive but other than my kids, no one else knows I go, it's no one else's business.

[vortex of confusion]

I think I was a little bit younger than you .cup.car when I sought out counseling because of a messy relationship. There were a lot of things involved. I was embarrassed on one hand but relieved on the other because it gave me a place where I could go and talk without being judged. I don't know if I told people why I was going to counseling. I think I may have posed it as needing some help making decisions. You are young so people won't question that. You don't really need to tell anybody other than people that you trust where you are going or what you are doing or why you are doing it. Only tell people on a need to know basis.

But, there is absolutely no reason for you to be embarrassed or uncomfortable. I am saying that for myself as much as I am saying it for you. I am now pushing 40 and am struggling with the idea of seeking some kind of help for myself whether it be a counselor or some time of support group. I have done some pretty embarrassing and stupid stuff over the years and I am afraid of being judged or feeling like a complete idiot. When I was young like you, I had an excuse. Now that I am as old as I am, I feel like I should know better.

Sending you a great big hug!   Hang in there as the right counselor can make a really big difference.

[Turkish]

I was lured into family counseling when I was 14 by my BPD mom who abandoned it after one session. Similarly, 28 years later by my uBPDx. I owned it this time,.and spent thousands of dollars and  8 months there for support.

Overall, it was a good thing: a positive male influence and opinion on what was happening. He concluded there was nothing pathological about me, despite what my Ex had implied. She quit him after two individual sessions after all.

The thing I did not like was that I felt he minimized that I said I was in an abusive r/s, even though I told him about the three instances of her throwing/smashing things, and the one time she lightly smacked me as my back was turned (minimal to many here I know). I chalked it up to that he probably has dealt with much worse cases.

The other invalidation was when he said, "didn't you put your finger in your wife's chest once telling her you didn't want to ever meet her boyfriend?" He was trying to catch me in DV. I had told him that story months previously. I'm smart enough that I saw he was trying to catch me. I reiterated that I never touched her. Ever like that.

A good thing I got from him near the end was, "sometimes, you have to take psychology with a grain of salt." And, "i sense you have a heathly disrespect for my profession... .so do I." I took that as, in short, accept feedback as you need it (objective feedback is invaluable), but don't accept as gaspel if someone tries to label you. Therapists are human, too. My BPD mom said she went through seven until she found one with which she clicked...

[CareTaker]

Anyone else embarassed about counseling?

Nothing embarrassing about counselling. It actually is a very good idea.

Two weeks before I walked out,  I started seeing a Clinical Psychologist. I wanted to know why I got attracted to a total misfit. Why I endured the bad behaviour, lying, cheating and verbal abuse. I realized the fault was with me. I chose to see a female therapist, thinking I would get a better perspective from a woman. And it worked.

She advised me how to leave, what to expect and how to successfully distance myself from this addiction. I was warned that I would be replaced pretty quick, (yet I never believed it) and was also warned about hate mail I could expect if I made contact. People with this disorder are pretty predictable. They do the same thing over and over and expect a different result.

It is important that you also find the fault in you. You most probably would suffer trauma from this relationship. This is not like any other relationship you have ever had. Think of it as being addicted to drugs, and you need counselling to free yourself. Get that idea that it was love, out your mind. She used you, she never loved you.

Yes, your ex has a disorder, but that is not your problem. Sort yourself out, and life will be so much better. You don't need their stress in your life.

[myself]

You're not going there for 'most people your age', you're going for yourself. If it's something you feel could help you, give it a try. Being as honest as you can will bring the best results. I'm a man, and my T is a woman, and she's the one who opened my eyes to the fact that I was being abused in the r/s I was in. It's based on the actions, not the age or gender. There's much more awareness these days that it goes both ways, and that many more people are standing up for themselves and working on themselves.

[Faith1520]

I'm not embarrassed but I'm sure there are a lot of people who feel the way you do. There's a stigma surrounding counseling in general. People think you have to be nutty to go. I think the truth is that almost everyone could benefit from counseling and if it were free I'd probably continue going for the rest of my life. Its the only place you can get an unbiased and educated point of view. And that's pretty valuable of you ask me!

My counselor was the one to tell me about BPD. He suspected my ex had it (my ex and I had seen him for couples counseling so he knew him). He read me the symptoms and they were spot on. I went home and read about it and my mind was blown. (Still is). If it weren't for him I truly think I would still be in the relationship and still scratching my head trying to figure out what the heck was going on.

My family and few close friends know about it, but it's not something I care to get into with anyone else... .not because I'm embarrassed or ashamed but because it's personal and I'm more of a private person.

I think you're very smart and mature for wanting to better yourself and reaching out for help to do so! I hope that it will be a good experience for you.

[.cup.car]

I don't think the stigma of counseling itself is what bothers me - I've been before for other reasons and it's been very helpful.

But being a young, intimidating looking guy in this situation and saying a petite young lady from a good family environment has been systematically causing havoc and distress in your life for five years doesn't help.

In some instances I was called a liar by third parties assigned to deal with this situation. And it's like "w-w-what... .? I printed out texts where she admits to punching me in the face... ."

That kind of stuff really hurts and scares you. As a guy, if you're ever in a relationship with a girl who hits you or doesn't leave you alone and you try to do something about it, if she runs to her dad and he's in a position of power, what actually happened between you two won't matter and you'll question your own sanity with the amount of lies that suddenly become "facts."

So, to be someone like me, to look the way I look and dress the way I dress, for me to come in and say "I'm terrified of women because of what just happened" is really embarrassing.

[downwhim]

You were in an abusive relationship. It does not matter if you are the most handsome, best dressed or the richest man in the world. You have been abused. Don't let her dad intimidate you because it is her illness that has controlled you.

Counseling can only help. You are doing the right thing and I admire anyone that can ask for help and admits there is a problem. You will find lots of support on this site too.