never thought i'd find peace.

[stuckgirl]

its been three months since my r/s with my ex fiance was unofficially over,except for some intermittent contacting,and now a proper month since complete no contacting.

he was horrible and hateful towards me,he was extremely abusive, extremely controlling,very suspicious and very jealous throughout the time we were together.i started to realize sometime in these months that he was no companion to me,his presence was a problem,he was a negative influence in my life.

i honestly dont know how i survived this much time with him,i cant believe i really lived with a constant brewing or blowing of a storm.when now i think about it,that i might have to start to worry about missed phone calls and unanswered messages while sitting simply at the computer and working i honestly cant figure out why i chose to live like that,if it happened again, i would go crazy,simply because of the anxiousness that was part of our every day lives. the fights,the abuse,the accusations,situations in which i could NOT win no matter how hard i tried or tried to end the fight.

i had definitely forgotten how peace felt,i'd definitely forgotten just being with people and not worrying that fiance was going to literally break hell over my head when i got back,simply keep working while on the job and not start worrying if my phone was on or not and if there was a horrible message saying i was a bi//tch et cetera. it got so bad that i would get up with a panic attack worrying he might have called while i slept,i realize it makes me sound weak but i dont know how plus even when it got that awful.

some weeks after some extremely controlling  and hateful behaviour from my ex i felt trapped,near a collapse. i wasnt thinking straight and i decided to end it all,i dont know why i thought this but it kept coming to me again and again and as natural as sleeping or thinking would be.i would have killed myself if i hadnt told him to go away. it was either that or die.

im treading carefully,but im much happier and at a lot of peace,the old me is waking up slowly and im surprised it hasnt been here.

i cannot blame ex fiance for his borderline p disorder,but i did not cause either and im glad im no longer in that horrible place,calling such a toxic relationship quit was a good decision,i know i did it for myself but no matter how i try to prod conscience i dont feel wrong about it. does every body feel this way at some point after their r/s is over? thinking that there was a sheet on their heads and a little dazed as to why they let it happen... .?

[downwhim]

It has been 7 weeks since I spoke to my ex fiancé. He ended it but I sort of did too by saying I did not want to be with him. I was anxious all of the time. I was always awaiting his call and if I too did not answer he got mad. It was all a mess with his constant negativity and his evil words. He would wait until after a party and then let me have it. When we were alone he would criticize me. Nothing I did was ever right.

He had replaced me a few months before the break up and wanted out. He of course did not tell me this but the woman called me at 2:30 am to say that she was my twin! What a joke that is. Pathetic!

We were on and off for 8 years. He told me that he loved me those 8 years and that is why he stayed with me... .His love is addiction and controlling. I am a wreck trying to get over this so called love. I do not trust right now and I have been on anti anxiety meds from my doctor.

I wish the pain would disappear. I am hoping that moving away will help which I plan to do in the summer. We live pretty close to one another. I do not want to run into him and his rebound.

My family did not like him and hated the way he treated me. I do not want to sound like the victim but my codependency kicked in and there it was, a slow burn. I felt trapped because of my need to have someone.

I am glad you are feeling peace at 3 months out. I hope to be there too!

[Deeno02]

Oh, I for sure had blinders on at first. Then I did realize it and refused to acknowledge my "red flags". I still wonder why I didn't run, then she dropped the hammer on me and devastated me. Hindsight is 20/20. Damn I was an idiot. And Im getting somewhat better, but I'm still a bit of a wreck.

[fromheeltoheal]

i felt trapped,near a collapse. i wasnt thinking straight and i decided to end it all,i dont know why i thought this but it kept coming to me again and again and as natural as sleeping or thinking would be.i would have killed myself if i hadnt told him to go away. it was either that or die.

Yes, that's what it feels like to be emotionally enmeshed with mental illness.  It still amazes me that my ex hasn't killed herself already, but I guess when you have a lifetime to get used to something you get pretty good with the coping techniques, as dysfunctional as they are to the rest of us.  Congratulations for getting out and saving yourself.

im glad im no longer in that horrible place,calling such a toxic relationship quit was a good decision,i know i did it for myself but no matter how i try to prod conscience i dont feel wrong about it. does every body feel this way at some point after their r/s is over? thinking that there was a sheet on their heads and a little dazed as to why they let it happen... .?

Oh yes, it is very shocking and sobering to realize what we actually went through after we get out, the fog clears, and we start looking at things more objectively.  We can sit around and continue to be shocked, or we can use it as fuel in our own growth, to take ourselves to the next level yes, so that we make ourselves capable of a healthy, sustainable relationship, but also to make sure it never, ever happens again.  We also gain an appreciation for mental illness and its sufferers, having seen it from the inside for a while, and maybe gone there a little ourselves.  Take care of you!

[Infern0]

I can certainly relate to all of this.

In my case I came to realise that I was basically a slave.  She'd pretty much "broken me in" and had me at her beck and call.

Everything had to be on her terms and If I asked questions she certainly didn't like that.

I had this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that felt like a bomb was about to go off and the wisest thing to do was get out of the blast radius.

[Mercury2Pluto]

Hi stuckgirl.  I well remember the constant fear of missing a text or a call.  Not replying right away was interpreted as rejection and that led to explosions.  There were many texts and calls every day.  She wanted to be in constant contact and it seemed easier to go along with anything she wanted rather than risk triggering the rage.  It was also necessary that I initiate multiple texts and calls each day, not just reply, in order to prove my love.  I put so much effort into being careful and eventually noticed that almost anything could be and was interpreted as rejection. 

I am in a similar place, trying to figure out why I let it happen.  I have started to learn things about myself that answer the question. Right now is a low time as those things about me are hard to accept.  On the bright side, one of the nicest things in life is freedom from the phone.

[Infern0]

Fellow phone slaves,  did you also find that although you had to reply or answer immediately,  they would sometimes take hours and hours to reply,  even when you know they got your message because you got a read receipt?

That was my favorite,  but if you ask about it "what the hell, I was busy"

[Deeno02]

Fellow phone slaves,  did you also find that although you had to reply or answer immediately,  they would sometimes take hours and hours to reply,  even when you know they got your message because you got a read receipt?

That was my favorite,  but if you ask about it "what the hell, I was busy"

Yeah, and as she was tiring of me, it became less and less. I knew something was up. But I was a drone by then so I ignored it. Then dropped like a bad habit. Next batter in place. Still a bit messed up.