I made a mistake. Remorse and pain.

[harbour]

Now 12 days since I broke up with him. I did what I had to do, and in the way I had to do it, in a letter, because I didn't feel safe telling him face to face.

But I have been much too hard on him subsequently. A few days later he started sending me desperate and loving messages, and I didn't answer them. Silent treatment. Only after six more days and 12 messages from him I responded to a message where he is concerned how I am doing and wishes me a good Christmas month. I sent him one message saying that I was OK, and that the reason why I was silent was that I didn't want to give him hope for something that was not going to happen. And I wished him a good Christmas month too. He sent me two more, loving and grateful. Haven't heard from him since. Yesterday I sent him a message to tell him that I could not accept to keep his stuff, cause I knew that they were very precious to him. (In a message one week earlier he gave me all his stuff as a "gift of love and gratitude". And that my cousin and her husband had offered to bring all his stuff to his place today, Saturday, and asked him to let me know if he was there to receive it. He didn't answer. This was the first time ever that he didn't respond. I sent him another one this morning (now it is midnight here) explaining again why I wanted him to have it back. No reply. Nothing. I can imagine how he must have felt. I rejected his gift and wanted to get rid of it as soon as possible. Like dropping another bomb in his face.

I should have responded to his messages, or some of them at least, after I had broken up. There was no good reason not to. I could have responded without giving him hope for something. Not responding is the worst. And I shouldn't have brought up the question about his stuff so soon. And in that way. I think I have behaved in a very insensitive way. I feel a lot worse than when I broke up. I didn't deserve to be treated like he treated me, but nor did he deserve to be treated like I treated him after I broke up, when he was in agony and despair. The painful thing about regrets is when it is too late to do anything about it. Since I have broken up with him, and I mean it, it would be wrong to send him a remorseful message. This is a very bad way to end it. And I am the one to blame for that.

[Infern0]

NO.

You have done nothing wrong,  you must sustain NC to heal and in this circumstance it's not right to be taking gifts.

I know you feel guilty but don't.  Don't let him make you feel guilty.  It's over with and you are moving on up. Trust me you cannot heal while in contact.  Look after you now. You haven't done anything wrong here.

[fromheeltoheal]

12 days is still brand new as far as any emotional detachment goes harbour, and you're still enmeshed with him emotionally to an extent, so you're going to think about, and worry about, how your actions affect him, but it's not about how he feels anymore, it really isn't, you broke up.

You probably broke up with him because you decided to do what's best for you, take care of yourself, good for you, and you need to keep focusing on that now.  We all got a little crazy when we spent time with crazy, so although you feel badly, give it some time, and a few months down the road when the fog clears and you can look at things more objectively, if you think you owe him and apology purely to relieve your own guilt, then do it then, in a way that won't leave any doors open.

One man's opinion... .

[nodiggity]

I don't think you should feel guilty at all. The things left at your house were never a gift, they were an effort to gain control. Eventually they would be used against you to justify why you are a bad person and at fault.

Giving them back you will also be characterised as a bad person and at fault as you are in a no win situation. 

The question is where will you feel less guilt, being blamed for giving the stuff back or being blamed for keeping it.  Unfortunately it is likely to be one or the other.

Personally I would take the option that doesn't have a path for control and manipulation.

[Confusedmae]

Hi harbor:

About his things, his "gifts,"... .please don't be alarmed by that.  Leaving those things behind serves him in two ways. First, he can now say, behind your back, that he's such a good guy that even though you broke it off he left you everything, or you won't give him back his stuff.  Either works for him, depending on how he wants to play it.  Second, it gives him an excuse to contact you in the future. It's a door to open later. A reason to contact you that seems legit.

I used to feel just like you. JUST like you.  Until I was in a similar situation and put two and two together. But it took lots of hindsight and fog clearing.

Bless you.  Hang in there.