Is there really a way to get over the addiction to our exes?

[Rifka]

It really is an addiction. I met this great guy about 6 months ago. He is going through this back and forth for 25 years. She throws him a bone and he leaves who he is with and goes back to her. As soon as he is with her, she disappears again and leaves him alone. They are legally married but live apart for years. I thought we could have something, but now that he told me, I am staying clear and it's completely friend zoned!

He told me he needs to be alone because he will leave whoever, because she is all he wants whenever she wants him. What is the solution? Is this guy going to ever get over her?

I still think of my exBPD but I know better than to ever let him near me or have any contact. This guy has no boundaries whatsoever with her. They have no kids, she will storm into his house, they talk daily, he can't pull himself away. Complete addiction. They haven't had sex in years.

I have refered him to a therapist. She scares him with threats of taking everything from him if he mentions divorce. 25 years, what a torturous life. I lived it for 8 months and I know I was turning into a wreck with my ex, I can't imagine the mind fcuk with all of those years.

Rifka

[BuildingFromScratch]

I believe it stems from viewing people as a solution to your problems or as a necessity. People are supposed to be additions to each others lives, people are supposed to share joy and sorrows together. People aren't supposed to fix each other, or die without each other. Might be beautiful in movies, but it sucks in real life, . Anyways, I think with time we will stop longing for our exes. Or at least when we do, we will remember it's just a fantasy.

[myself]

Have you talked with him about how you're breaking your own addiction?

Different stories but what's been working for you that might work for him?

What do you see in his actions that you've changed about your own?

[Infern0]

25 years is so long.

It's funny because I have felt the same way to be honest.  That even if I got with someone else she could just come along and ruin it because I am so weak when it comes to her.

If no contact isn't possible it makes it so much harder.  See if you can get him to go NC?

[qwaszx]

Oh like any addiction I just replaced mine with smoking, I feel that I times it's much healthier  But soon as I stop longing for her I quit smoking. It's sorta my rutten when I fall and go back and start the whole darn mess all over again:/

[Rifka]

Yes we have spoken intensely about this issue. He is still hoping she will just come back and they will live happily ever after, complete fog. I explained all of my stuff and how I had to go no contact. This guy is just going through hell waiting for her while she lives someplace else and sees him when she wants or needs something. I told him that only he can help himself. He agreed! He is not willing to go n/c because he really believes that she loves him and that one day she will come to her senses. She moved out two years ago and he just found out where she lived last week!

It is funny how we do replace one addiction for another. Another bad habit to replace the last, I'm just as guilty! I had somebody to fill my void to pull me through the tough period of seeing things straight while going n/c. Maybe not the correct way to process but it was good for me because I could study here and read clearer and didn't have to do it alone. I did have my time, but it was great to be able to share the experience and my thoughts and readings, access myself and get an outside opinion of my thoughts besides here.

It def made n/c easier and now I feel date worthy again!

I did all I can do with him. I am being a platonic friend, gave him the number of a divorce attorney, a great therapist and now it's up to him!

I just wonder if he will ever get over believing that she really is for him.

Rifka

[Loveofhislife]

Rifka:  Again, thank you for sharing your "teachable moments." We do learn from each other, and it sounds as if you are learning from your friend as well. A song from the band Rush, "Freewill" I loved the lyrics, "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."

Sadly, your friend is making a choice.  Not one that we view as healthy and not one that we want them to choose, but he is choosing to stay in his "addiction." Many do.

I have a very dear friend who is expecting her first baby at the age of 27, and her husband was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver this past week.  The doctors told him that if he chooses to continue to drink alcohol, he will die within three years.  He has a beautiful wife and a baby on the way.  But he chooses to drink.

It is heart breaking.  And while we can attempt to inform and be supportive to those we care about; my faith says at some point, we have to rely on our prayers for loved ones.  It hurts.  But it's where I have had to go many times--and the more I pray for exbfBPD, the easier it is to forgive him for his choices.

Thank you for your many kindnesses and supportive words here.

[Rifka]

Rifka:  Again, thank you for sharing your "teachable moments." We do learn from each other, and it sounds as if you are learning from your friend as well. A song from the band Rush, "Freewill" I loved the lyrics, "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."

Sadly, your friend is making a choice.  Not one that we view as healthy and not one that we want them to choose, but he is choosing to stay in his "addiction." Many do.

I have a very dear friend who is expecting her first baby at the age of 27, and her husband was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver this past week.  The doctors told him that if he chooses to continue to drink alcohol, he will die within three years.  He has a beautiful wife and a baby on the way.  But he chooses to drink.

It is heart breaking.  And while we can attempt to inform and be supportive to those we care about; my faith says at some point, we have to rely on our prayers for loved ones.  It hurts.  But it's where I have had to go many times--and the more I pray for exbfBPD, the easier it is to forgive him for his choices.

Thank you for your many kindnesses and supportive words here.

Thank you! Yes he takes complete responsibility for being stuck for so long. He even is starting to say maybe it's him and not her. How many times have we all had that thought somewhere in our journey to becoming healthier?

It was frustrating in the beginning of really getting to know him because as I had posted a couple of months ago, this is the same guy that I thought we were going on dates but he never even touched my hand.

At least now I understand why he really friend zoned me and now I know he would be a very unhealthy choice for me, so mutual friend zone it became. It's wonderful to have learned so many skills here that are so clearly in place and really protect me and my judgement from doing something over that I have now understand.

I just hope he divorces her before they hit the ten year mark of marraige.

Rifka