Need help decipering BPDex's email...

[Depression = 72% of members]

During my 6 month relationship with my uBPDexbf he has always accused me of lying and being dishonest. He would say to me that he has serious trust issues and anything I would tell him he would accuse me of leaving out details. It has been a true nightmare constantly trying to justify my actions and explain the who/what/when/where/why. We broke it off as of Monday. There was NC for a few days then I decided to call him on Friday and he completely went off on me and crushed the little feelings I had left for him. Today, he showed up at my church and I avoided him by leaving a little early. I then received the email below. Its a very strange email and some of the thing he is saying doesn't make sense to me. Can someone help me read between the lines or try to understand his state of mind?

This is the email:

"You should call me it shouldn't be blocked you should explain yourself you need to speak openly you need to speak totally honest let your truth be heard answer ALL questions asked without going around them... .There needs to be nothing but truth coming out of your mind and mouth... .If that cannot be done no need to even attempt to contact me... .I'll not tolerate anything less than what I've requested... .Ill give you a chance to explain urself tell me your plans I'm not promising anything or a outcome I'm only willing to hear you out... .You crossed the line completely there's no going back from what was said and done... .I DON'T TRUST YOU DON'T THINK I EVER WILL DUE TO THE CIRCUMSTANCES... .We had good times I've tried my best to present myself dreams and hopes of my desired future and was willing to share that with you, you showed me your not willing to join me in that venture and for me that's not acceptable... .I've lived my life to a level or standard that I will not compromise for NOBODY! Things don't make me I've earned everything I've ever had so I don't need you, Your life and past doesn't match my lifestyle or what I'm looking for in a woman to join forces with... .You have qualities I admire and some I despise. If u are able to meet my request you may contact me if not don't even bother... .This needs to be done TODAY OR NEVER AT ALL... .My time or no time at ALL... .I'm the captain of my ship and the master of my destiny you will never control that and you shouldn't try or you'll loose every attempt... .Respect and discipline are my foundation I'll not settle for a person who shows poor nature in character I've gain

And lost more than you know so don't be fooled or try to over step your boundaries because of what you have seen me go through because that's exactly what I've been doing "going through" I'm not a stagnant person or entity I strive for greatness and accomplishments... .That is me I admire and respect confidence and cleanliness anything else is coming up short... .The choice has always been yours you choose to not be humble and disrespectful... .I can't promise I'll be your friend or a person to be in your life I can only promise I'll listen and listen WELL! So speak and make your truth be heard... .All things done in the dark shall always come to light... .I have questions you might not be able to answer so if Your not up for the task don't take the challenge because I will challenge you and call you out on bull___ and in consistency... .Today or never at all... .This is not a request to be with you so let me make that clear as day this is a chance for you to end this encounter on a good foot and move fwd with whatever the outcome may be... .You WILL NOT REUIN MY GREAT NAME NOR DISCREDIT ANYTHING I PRIDE MYSELF ON BEING... .I'm a great man with a great mind,body and soul... .I am too much for you your not enough for me your short comings are never gonna be acceptable so deal with yourself and insecurities before coming or trying to persuade me because you can't... .I'm known for being strong and a go getter not a push over... .I've had beautiful women in my life physically and spiritually and I've left them for short comings because I'm fully confident in my destiny and there's a beautiful place I'm aiming for that includes a woman with a strong mind and knows how to protect me by protecting herself with truth and total honesty that isn't you youve proven that countless times... .I don't respect nor like the qualities you've shown me... .Spending is cheap who are you as a person... .Who are you are your words true can you speak about your experiences with confidence knowing it doesn't make your future or are you going to behave as if that's where your life ends... .The choice is yours not mine... .

God bless you... .Don't respond through txt or email it better be a call and your number better not be blocked and you need to explain why you chose to block it in the first place, If that's too much for you just bow out gracefully because you will loose... .    "

[whythisgirl]

During my 6 month relationship with my uBPDexbf he has always accused me of lying and being dishonest. He would say to me that he has serious trust issues and anything I would tell him he would accuse me of leaving out details. It has been a true nightmare constantly trying to justify my actions and explain the who/what/when/where/why. We broke it off as of Monday. There was NC for a few days then I decided to call him on Friday and he completely went off on me and crushed the little feelings I had left for him. Today, he showed up at my church and I avoided him by leaving a little early. I then received the email below. Its a very strange email and some of the thing he is saying doesn't make sense to me. Can someone help me read between the lines or try to understand his state of mind?

This is the email:

"You should call me it shouldn't be blocked you should explain yourself you need to speak openly you need to speak totally honest let your truth be heard answer ALL questions asked without going around them... .There needs to be nothing but truth coming out of your mind and mouth... .If that cannot be done no need to even attempt to contact me... .I'll not tolerate anything less than what I've requested... .Ill give you a chance to explain urself tell me your plans I'm not promising anything or a outcome I'm only willing to hear you out... .You crossed the line completely there's no going back from what was said and done... .I DON'T TRUST YOU DON'T THINK I EVER WILL DUE TO THE CIRCUMSTANCES... .We had good times I've tried my best to present myself dreams and hopes of my desired future and was willing to share that with you, you showed me your not willing to join me in that venture and for me that's not acceptable... .I've lived my life to a level or standard that I will not compromise for NOBODY! Things don't make me I've earned everything I've ever had so I don't need you, Your life and past doesn't match my lifestyle or what I'm looking for in a woman to join forces with... .You have qualities I admire and some I despise. If u are able to meet my request you may contact me if not don't even bother... .This needs to be done TODAY OR NEVER AT ALL... .My time or no time at ALL... .I'm the captain of my ship and the master of my destiny you will never control that and you shouldn't try or you'll loose every attempt... .Respect and discipline are my foundation I'll not settle for a person who shows poor nature in character I've gain

And lost more than you know so don't be fooled or try to over step your boundaries because of what you have seen me go through because that's exactly what I've been doing "going through" I'm not a stagnant person or entity I strive for greatness and accomplishments... .That is me I admire and respect confidence and cleanliness anything else is coming up short... .The choice has always been yours you choose to not be humble and disrespectful... .I can't promise I'll be your friend or a person to be in your life I can only promise I'll listen and listen WELL! So speak and make your truth be heard... .All things done in the dark shall always come to light... .I have questions you might not be able to answer so if Your not up for the task don't take the challenge because I will challenge you and call you out on bull___ and in consistency... .Today or never at all... .This is not a request to be with you so let me make that clear as day this is a chance for you to end this encounter on a good foot and move fwd with whatever the outcome may be... .You WILL NOT REUIN MY GREAT NAME NOR DISCREDIT ANYTHING I PRIDE MYSELF ON BEING... .I'm a great man with a great mind,body and soul... .I am too much for you your not enough for me your short comings are never gonna be acceptable so deal with yourself and insecurities before coming or trying to persuade me because you can't... .I'm known for being strong and a go getter not a push over... .I've had beautiful women in my life physically and spiritually and I've left them for short comings because I'm fully confident in my destiny and there's a beautiful place I'm aiming for that includes a woman with a strong mind and knows how to protect me by protecting herself with truth and total honesty that isn't you youve proven that countless times... .I don't respect nor like the qualities you've shown me... .Spending is cheap who are you as a person... .Who are you are your words true can you speak about your experiences with confidence knowing it doesn't make your future or are you going to behave as if that's where your life ends... .The choice is yours not mine... .

God bless you... .Don't respond through txt or email it better be a call and your number better not be blocked and you need to explain why you chose to block it in the first place, If that's too much for you just bow out gracefully because you will loose... .    "

[Infern0]

Firstly he's disregulating which means he's losing the very slim grasp he has on his emotional control.

Secondly there is a lot of projection in there which is basically when he knows he's done things wrong but can't face it so he accuses you of doing the things he's done. If you replace "you" with "I" it makes more sense.

Third he knows he's losing control so he's desperately trying to regain it by giving you all these terms and conditions.  Do NOT give into anything you don't want to.

Hope that helps.

[whythisgirl]

Thanks again Infern0! It definitely sounds like that. In the past I would constantly apologize for things I did not do to shut him up and make him happy. But now I am not allowing him to control my mind which has resulted in him calling me every bad name in the book. I haven't responded nor do I plan to ever acknowledge his email.

[Seriously?]

After my husband crossed the very real boundary of shoving me so hard in the midst of an argument that I had bruises,  he contacted me twice saying he wanted to come home. He, like your ex, tried to pin all blame on me and made a lot of statements that confused me at the time. He had put his hands on me, contacted (maybe more) girls from a dating website only a few months into our marriage, but our conversations about him coming home were all about him. He said also he was on a good, stable path in his life and a woman like me would just drag him down in my weakness. I was not "good enough" to be his partner. I was a liar. After some time, counseling, and reading here, I realize those conversations were projection. If I flip it around, he knows he is a liar and weak and I am the one on a good, stable path. At the time we had those conversations,  it confused me that he who should have been apologizing,  was laying down conditions for me to remain in his life. A lot of conditions that I absolutely wouldn't ever agree to having to do with almost completely giving up my autonomy, as well as my other personal relationships.  Because he was accusing me of so much that wasn't true, I hoped he would just come to his senses and remember who I am. I called myself giving him space to miss me, but the next time we talked, he told me I am just a stupid B#$&€ and he doesn't love me now and never had. I had days I thought I wouldn't ever be ok. Right now,  I am having a lot of thoughts of him because of the holidays. It's almost like I am fresh out, confused, disillusioned,  and abandoned again. The confusion and the changes in me due to all this has been hard. I hope for me and you that we come to a place.where we no longer place any credence on what they say. I believe your ex is setting the groundwork for painting you black by calling you not good enough and saying he cannot trust you. You know you are not a liar. He is projecting.

[Infern0]

The people I really feel sorry for are the ones who actually ACCEPT all these conditions.

I mean no doubt all of us on here have been through a lot of pain,  I recycled so I went through it twice but at least I was able to keep up some of my boundaries (that's what got me split black both times)

I probably could have "kept" her if I'd been willing to become a mindless drone who's only purpose in life was to obey her orders.

That actually happens to some people.

[whythisgirl]

Seriously, thanks for your response. I sorry to hear that you went through that and glad you made the decision to get out of that situation. I know it hurts when you have invested time into someone and they consistently let us down. I found my exBPD to have some physical abusive traits. At times he would hit me extremely hard on my bottom and tell me that to chill when I yelled out in pain. He would also pull my hair and while intimate he would grab my throat (saying he is just showing passion) or use extreme force (saying I need to be submissive and take it). Just thinking back on that upsets me !

[Loveofhislife]

The people I really feel sorry for are the ones who actually ACCEPT all these conditions.

I mean no doubt all of us on here have been through a lot of pain,  I recycled so I went through it twice but at least I was able to keep up some of my boundaries (that's what got me split black both times)

I probably could have "kept" her if I'd been willing to become a mindless drone who's only purpose in life was to obey her orders.

That actually happens to some people.

Inferno--you answered the question I have been asking myself about the exbfBPD spouse who not only married him once, but twice after he left her for a woman he worked with.  They had two sons together and stayed married for 17 years--even through his unthinkable felonies where he took his entire father's family down into a financial abyss.  Her family was scarred as well as, I'm sure the two sons were/are.

He had two other spouses who stayed with him about as long as I did:  one year.  It seems that's about as long as he can hold it together.

Whythisgirl--love the name.  I'm wondering why this girl as well?  I agree that your pwBPD is dysregulating, and he put it in writing.  I agree that he is projecting, and you should read that this is about him and not you.

NOW--why this man?  Ask yourself that... .cause I'm still trying to figure that one out for myself.

[Infern0]

Loveofhislife

When you see the people who managed to stay in rs with borderlines for years etc they usually have made massive sacrifices in order to maintain the relationship.

In my case she wanted me to visit her at her work on weekends and basically hang out with her there so she wasn't alone. My answer was no, I'll see you after work,  that's when I got devalued and she pulled an orbiter (my eventual replacement) to do it instead.

This guy now sits at home on his own at weekends while she goes on coffee dates etc with her exes ( and I know from experience what these coffee dates involve and it's definitely more than meets the eye)

He also pays her rent for her and is generally her slave/lackey

This guy will probably last longer than most just down to the fact he's willing to put up with this treatment for some reason.

These victims are the ones who end up killing themselves or sustaining irreparable damage,  us lucky ones recover within a few months.

Sad

[HappyNihilist]

You should call me it shouldn't be blocked you should explain yourself you need to speak openly you need to speak totally honest let your truth be heard answer ALL questions asked without going around them... .There needs to be nothing but truth coming out of your mind and mouth... .If that cannot be done no need to even attempt to contact me... .I'll not tolerate anything less than what I've requested... .Ill give you a chance to explain urself tell me your plans I'm not promising anything or a outcome I'm only willing to hear you out... .You crossed the line completely there's no going back from what was said and done... .I DON'T TRUST YOU DON'T THINK I EVER WILL DUE TO THE CIRCUMSTANCES... .We had good times I've tried my best to present myself dreams and hopes of my desired future and was willing to share that with you, you showed me your not willing to join me in that venture and for me that's not acceptable... .I've lived my life to a level or standard that I will not compromise for NOBODY! Things don't make me I've earned everything I've ever had so I don't need you, Your life and past doesn't match my lifestyle or what I'm looking for in a woman to join forces with... .You have qualities I admire and some I despise. If u are able to meet my request you may contact me if not don't even bother... .This needs to be done TODAY OR NEVER AT ALL... .My time or no time at ALL... .I'm the captain of my ship and the master of my destiny you will never control that and you shouldn't try or you'll loose every attempt... .Respect and discipline are my foundation I'll not settle for a person who shows poor nature in character I've gain

And lost more than you know so don't be fooled or try to over step your boundaries because of what you have seen me go through because that's exactly what I've been doing "going through" I'm not a stagnant person or entity I strive for greatness and accomplishments... .That is me I admire and respect confidence and cleanliness anything else is coming up short... .The choice has always been yours you choose to not be humble and disrespectful... .I can't promise I'll be your friend or a person to be in your life I can only promise I'll listen and listen WELL! So speak and make your truth be heard... .All things done in the dark shall always come to light... .I have questions you might not be able to answer so if Your not up for the task don't take the challenge because I will challenge you and call you out on bull and in consistency... .Today or never at all... .This is not a request to be with you so let me make that clear as day this is a chance for you to end this encounter on a good foot and move fwd with whatever the outcome may be... . You WILL NOT REUIN MY GREAT NAME NOR DISCREDIT ANYTHING I PRIDE MYSELF ON BEING... .I'm a great man with a great mind,body and soul... .I am too much for you your not enough for me your short comings are never gonna be acceptable so deal with yourself and insecurities before coming or trying to persuade me because you can't... .I'm known for being strong and a go getter not a push over... .I've had beautiful women in my life physically and spiritually and I've left them for short comings because I'm fully confident in my destiny and there's a beautiful place I'm aiming for that includes a woman with a strong mind and knows how to protect me by protecting herself with truth and total honesty that isn't you youve proven that countless times... .I don't respect nor like the qualities you've shown me... .Spending is cheap who are you as a person... .Who are you are your words true can you speak about your experiences with confidence knowing it doesn't make your future or are you going to behave as if that's where your life ends... .The choice is yours not mine... .

God bless you... .Don't respond through txt or email it better be a call and your number better not be blocked and you need to explain why you chose to block it in the first place, If that's too much for you just bow out gracefully because you will loose... .    "

My goodness, he does think rather highly of himself, doesn't he? 

In all seriousness, he sounds like he's dysregulating. There's a lot of projection, narcissism, and splitting. He's suffered a blow to his ego, and his fragile grasp on his self has been threatened. He's experiencing a loss of control, and he's desperately trying to regain it.

If not for the references to church/god, I was starting to seriously wonder if you had dated my ex, whythisgirl. My best advice is that you'll only drive yourself crazy trying to understand him. And believe me, no good can come from trying to interact when they're dysregulated like this. Don't respond to his bullying tactics, and keep this email forever as a reminder to yourself.

He's shown you who he is, in his totality -- from the day-to-day of the relationship to the words of this email. It sounds like being with him is a life where you constantly have to justify yourself and defend yourself against false accusations (that are actually his projections), and tread carefully around his delicate ego.

[whythisgirl]

Loveofhislife - thanks, I am truly wondering why this guy because he has shown me its all about his needs and can careless about compromise or my needs. I am so fortunate to have found this website. Everyone has been so helpful with providing with me clarity on this disorder.

HappyNihilist - you are absolutely right! He thinks highly of himself. I don't know much about NPD but with the limited knowledge I have it does appear he may have both BPD and NPD. Our short r/s has been pure hell. It started off with him wanted to know everything I was thinking when I was silent in his presence and escalated to me painting a vivid picture of my day to day activity and conversations. If I prefused to comply I was either hiding something, lying, or cheating with my ex. All the false accusations changed my feelings of admiration to disdain. Throughout our short lived r/s I can recollect all the red flags that something was truly disordered with his way of thinking. I stayed because I am a very compassionate person and felt a bit sorry about the struggles he endured during the time we meet and after learning on a llittle about his abandonment issues as a child. I believe he has shielded a lot of the details so I don't know the severity of those issues. I guess I was a reason I was placed in his life so that I can help him during a time of need but that's all it will ever be.  I just pray that he seeks some type of help but its out of my hands. 

[WhyMe?]

If not for the references to church/god, I was starting to seriously wonder if you had dated my ex, whythisgirl.

I felt the same way. I haven't gotten an email like that since 2009, and it gave me the chills.

[whythisgirl]

He sent an email after this one saying don't bother. He has been awefully quiet this week. I guess he had to get the last word.

[Turkish]

I've had beautiful women in my life physically and spiritually and I've left them for short comings because I'm fully confident in my destiny and there's a beautiful place I'm aiming for that includes a woman with a strong mind and knows how to protect me

There's the truth in the otherwise narcissistic screed. He's looking for a mommy.

With no response, you're the one who's having the last word.

[whythisgirl]

There's the truth in the otherwise narcissistic screed. He's looking for a mommy.

With no response, you're the one who's having the last word.

I could see that. His standard if living was a result of his mom. He mentioned that last girlfriend called him mother and said I give up he wants me to be like you and I can't do that. Little does he know I have no desire to be like his mom. Mommy raised a messed up son.

[Hope0807]

Be careful.  He won't be quiet for long and if it does feel long he'll be banking on the silence getting the best of you until it pulls you back in his direction.  That's where all the sick manipulative back and forth is.  Steer clear.  Sending you hugs!    

He sent an email after this one saying don't bother. He has been awefully quiet this week. I guess he had to get the last word.

[whythisgirl]

He sent an email after this one saying don't bother. He has been awefully quiet this week. I guess he had to get the last word.

[/quote]
have

Interesting and good to know! Its really been hard getting through this NC and I refuse reach out. I keep replaying in my head the hurtful words he said to me last week. This website has helped me get through the week. I am so fortunate to hear from others who have gone through the same thing. I have been extremely embarrassed to share my experiences with my family/friends.

[LuckyEscapee]

If not for the references to church/god, I was starting to seriously wonder if you had dated my ex, whythisgirl.

I felt the same way. I haven't gotten an email like that since 2009, and it gave me the chills.

Me too! The similarities are uncanny - blast from the past for sure.

Question though... .what's dysregulation? My ex sounded like this more often than he didn't?

[whythisgirl]

If not for the references to church/god, I was starting to seriously wonder if you had dated my ex, whythisgirl.

I felt the same way. I haven't gotten an email like that since 2009, and it gave me the chills.

Me too! The similarities are uncanny - blast from the past for sure.

Question though... .what's dysregulation? My ex sounded like this more often than he didn't?

Hi LuckyEscapee - I believe dysregulating is when they begin losing control of their emotions."

Emotional dysregulation (ED) is a term used in the mental health community to refer to an emotional response that is poorly modulated, and does not fall within the conventionally accepted range of emotive response. ED may be referred to as labile mood (marked fluctuation of mood) or mood swings."