I agree with Peiper, the child would not understand. As I continue to learn about BPD, we appear to mean more to a BPex when we’re
away than
with them. They can’t live up to our commitment or expectations, and will actually devalue us for ‘wanting them,’ it’s only when we’re gone that we’re actually wanted, or appreciated… Weird stuff, and difficult to explain.
Though constantly twisted within their minds so as to live with the guilt of having abused us, they know it was them … though enhanced interrogation couldn’t extract that admission They live in shame, and loving contact from us reminds them of that, of what they had - and ruined. There’s always the chance they’re open for another connection, and most of their r/s’s seem to have no closure for that reason, to leave open the possibility of a future reconnect or attachment.
I did that ... .multiple times, until finally figuring out that repeating the same behavior while expecting a different result was making me crazy … she already was… Well, we ignore/d a lot of crazy, focusing on what we wanted. They provide that, or the illusion, as long as they can. But it’s unsustainable, because, for the most part, it’s fake… it’s a performance that burns them out. And after they’re spent - we’re blamed.
No win.We had our dreams, but we needed a partner that was capable of matching them with reality. Our abilities and dreams included falling in love with those closest to our BP partners. And though it now feels like we lost everything ... .we never really had it… I miss mine’s mother, brothers, son, and a couple of honest friends. But we were all, including her, victims of a disorder that appears a life sentence. Those closest to my exBPmate have watched her pattern repeat many times ... .I’ll not likely be the last. It eventually became too painful for me to experience more than I had. And, time is healing.
We must remove ourselves, and it’s Hell. But it’s a lot like growing up… there’s some ugly stuff out there and it’s gonna take all we’ve got to endure. This is some of that stuff. You’re not alone, though it can sure feel like it. Keep looking for the good stuff … (I’m told) it’s out there too
