BPD Ex fiancée called off the wedding a week before

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all. This is my first post. 

I met my BPD fiancée (not diagnosed) at work 2 years ago. We went to happy hour and we clicked. We started dating and we had a lot of chemistry. It was a dream come true (beautiful, loving, lots in common, loyal, career oriented). I remember in the beginning she hesitated dating and mentioned that she is very complicated but I didn't think much of it. 

The first 3 months, she had issues with her x roommate. She would come stay at my place to avoid her roommate. Mind you, her x roommate was her only friend. Even though my x fiancée complained about her on a daily basis, she would still text her and try to hangout with her. She tells me that she envied everything about her and all these other stuff. I kept telling her why do you bother texting/calling her if she keeps putting you down. Her excuse is that she tries to look good in people and they went through a lot in their childhood. It was a weird friendship. Her x roommate never wanted to meet me and ignored me when she saw me a the grocery store with my x.

She finally moved in to my apartment complex and we would hangout everyday. From there, things started going sour. She would give me a hard time everyday to move in with her even though our apartments were short walking distance. She would argue about this everyday and I finally packed a bag and stayed at her apartment. This wasn't enough, she wanted me to move all my stuff at her apartment. She would complain to her mom about this too that I wouldn't commit to her. She would also give me a hard time about when I'd propose to her and that she wouldn't move in with me without getting engaged. So I finally convinced her to move to my apartment since I had a bigger place (3 bedrooms vs 1 bedroom) and we would cancel her lease contract. She would give me a hard time about this for future arguments that she had to take the big step to move in with me and not the other way round. So the day she moved in (March), I proposed to her and we set the wedding date (November same year).

Once she moved in, things got worst. She would complain about my apartment being messy (that it was a typical guy apartment) and that she doesn't feel homey living in it. She would fight everyday how I don't love her, how I don't care about her, how I never do anything special for her, how she feels lonely with me, how our relationship is boring and how I use her as an accessory in front of people. Very hurtful words.  I was so sick and frustrated of hearing her say that since I really loved her and I always tried to make her happy. Constantly putting me down. She even put me down about the tiffany engagement ring that I bought an expensive one to show off in front of people. I really bought her the ring because I loved her. She wanted attention 24/7, and once I don't give it to her she becomes moody. When she is alone, thats when she starts analyzing and feels down and lonely and flips on me.

And then she start the physical abuse and and name calling. She would scratch my arms and back. She rages at me, throws things at me, yells out loud, slams doors. Her face turns red and eyes dilated. At this point I didn't know what to do. When she rages, she won't even let me leave the apartment, pulling me and tearing my cloths or running after me, or calling her mom asking her to tell me to come back. She is 25 and I am 32. Every time she stresses, this happens. She had mood swings, ups and downs. I was walking on eggshells, more like land minds. I threatened to leave her if she continues being physical and she would say she is frustrated with me and that I yell. She once called her mom and told her that she hit me. Her dad (law enforcement) yelled at her and threatened to arrest her next time. When I go to her parents place I would have to wear long sleeves to cover the scratches.

She would call me out on everything, complain about everything (the way I kiss her, the way I cuddle her, how I am grumpy in the morning). I am not sure what she loved/liked about me.  She will not let me visit my parents or my friends alone. Sometimes it's good to miss each other. Even when my dad was dying in the hospital (with death rattle), she would give me a hard time about "we always do what you want, we never do what I want". She wasn't considerate whatsoever. She would see me all sad about my dad yet she will still fight me. No empathy.

My personality has always been trying to fix things and I tried to fix her and this relationship but it was like hitting a brick wall. I could never make her happy. We moved in together in a beautiful townhouse and we started buying furniture together. She made me get rid of all my old stuff, dishes, couches, kitchenware, mom house gifts... .

Her verbal and mental abuse increased. I wasn't myself anymore. I try to make her happy and forgot my happiness. I stopped going to the gym, reading, meeting my mom and family. The gym was always an issue, she won't let me go there by myself worried I would meet a girl.  She would come home from work all moody and bombarding me with all these negative verbal abuse. Every date night she would get ready and gets all mean and moody blaming me of everything and therefore she'd ruin the date. I find myself saying sorry and not sure for what. When I try to talk to her, nothing comes out of it. I could never rationalize with her. It was like talking to a wall. She would never apologize or take blame. She would deny being physical or verbally abusive. I was really worried I lose it one day. All I can do is hold her down, I can't leave. The arguments and fights go in cycle and loops not matter how hard I try to stop/avoid them. The word "I am sorry" never work. She would argue/fight until she gets tired and go to sleep. Sometimes she'd wake me up in the middle of the night to "talk" about it.

The wedding planning was really stressful to her and this caused her to be more moody and abusive. We would argue a lot. After  big fights, there was nothing stopping or triggering her from fighting 15 minutes later. She would wake me at nights to talk about things which meant another fight. We don't fight about finances or important things, we fight about me not loving her, not caring, that I would leaver her any day if I meet a new girl, that I am never there for the relationship. So not true.

A week before the wedding, we had a big fight, not sure for what, most likely wanting attention and she canceled the wedding. And she tried blaming me for canceling the wedding. I moved out of the townhouse. The day I moved out she tried to contact all my family trying to get me back.

I kept all this inside me and when I opened up and told friends and family, they were shocked, they thought she was the perfect girl. They all want me to stay as far as possible from her and that she was trouble. She now wants to work on things and want me to move back with her. Constantly trying to make me feel bad, sending pictures, screenshots of sweet texts I sent before. She wants me to be committed, exclusive, and I keep telling her whats more committed than marriage and she was the one who canceled it. Imagine the embarrassment calling family and friends telling them that the wedding was canceled. I had family and friends flying in from all over the places.

Thanks to this site, I now know her BPD mental issues and that I can never fix her and that she needs professional help. She never takes blame and she will always denies she is BPD and will never go see a therapist. This was a toxic unhealthy relationship and everyone tells me that I am really lucky that she canceled the wedding. I am now feeling much better, recovering, reading, feeling the weights off my shoulder. I was a zombie living in her world, her ups and downs, her unhappiness and emptiness and I was shutting off all my feelings. Am I lucky right?

[Luckyfella]

Hi all. This is my first post. 

I met my BPD fiancée (not diagnosed) at work 2 years ago. We went to happy hour and we clicked. We started dating and we had a lot of chemistry. It was a dream come true (beautiful, loving, lots in common, loyal, career oriented). I remember in the beginning she hesitated dating and mentioned that she is very complicated but I didn't think much of it. 

The first 3 months, she had issues with her x roommate. She would come stay at my place to avoid her roommate. Mind you, her x roommate was her only friend. Even though my x fiancée complained about her on a daily basis, she would still text her and try to hangout with her. She tells me that she envied everything about her and all these other stuff. I kept telling her why do you bother texting/calling her if she keeps putting you down. Her excuse is that she tries to look good in people and they went through a lot in their childhood. It was a weird friendship. Her x roommate never wanted to meet me and ignored me when she saw me a the grocery store with my x.

She finally moved in to my apartment complex and we would hangout everyday. From there, things started going sour. She would give me a hard time everyday to move in with her even though our apartments were short walking distance. She would argue about this everyday and I finally packed a bag and stayed at her apartment. This wasn't enough, she wanted me to move all my stuff at her apartment. She would complain to her mom about this too that I wouldn't commit to her. She would also give me a hard time about when I'd propose to her and that she wouldn't move in with me without getting engaged. So I finally convinced her to move to my apartment since I had a bigger place (3 bedrooms vs 1 bedroom) and we would cancel her lease contract. She would give me a hard time about this for future arguments that she had to take the big step to move in with me and not the other way round. So the day she moved in (March), I proposed to her and we set the wedding date (November same year).

Once she moved in, things got worst. She would complain about my apartment being messy (that it was a typical guy apartment) and that she doesn't feel homey living in it. She would fight everyday how I don't love her, how I don't care about her, how I never do anything special for her, how she feels lonely with me, how our relationship is boring and how I use her as an accessory in front of people. Very hurtful words.  I was so sick and frustrated of hearing her say that since I really loved her and I always tried to make her happy. Constantly putting me down. She even put me down about the tiffany engagement ring that I bought an expensive one to show off in front of people. I really bought her the ring because I loved her. She wanted attention 24/7, and once I don't give it to her she becomes moody. When she is alone, thats when she starts analyzing and feels down and lonely and flips on me.

And then she start the physical abuse and and name calling. She would scratch my arms and back. She rages at me, throws things at me, yells out loud, slams doors. Her face turns red and eyes dilated. At this point I didn't know what to do. When she rages, she won't even let me leave the apartment, pulling me and tearing my cloths or running after me, or calling her mom asking her to tell me to come back. She is 25 and I am 32. Every time she stresses, this happens. She had mood swings, ups and downs. I was walking on eggshells, more like land minds. I threatened to leave her if she continues being physical and she would say she is frustrated with me and that I yell. She once called her mom and told her that she hit me. Her dad (law enforcement) yelled at her and threatened to arrest her next time. When I go to her parents place I would have to wear long sleeves to cover the scratches.

She would call me out on everything, complain about everything (the way I kiss her, the way I cuddle her, how I am grumpy in the morning). I am not sure what she loved/liked about me.  She will not let me visit my parents or my friends alone. Sometimes it's good to miss each other. Even when my dad was dying in the hospital (with death rattle), she would give me a hard time about "we always do what you want, we never do what I want". She wasn't considerate whatsoever. She would see me all sad about my dad yet she will still fight me. No empathy.

My personality has always been trying to fix things and I tried to fix her and this relationship but it was like hitting a brick wall. I could never make her happy. We moved in together in a beautiful townhouse and we started buying furniture together. She made me get rid of all my old stuff, dishes, couches, kitchenware, mom house gifts... .

Her verbal and mental abuse increased. I wasn't myself anymore. I try to make her happy and forgot my happiness. I stopped going to the gym, reading, meeting my mom and family. The gym was always an issue, she won't let me go there by myself worried I would meet a girl.  She would come home from work all moody and bombarding me with all these negative verbal abuse. Every date night she would get ready and gets all mean and moody blaming me of everything and therefore she'd ruin the date. I find myself saying sorry and not sure for what. When I try to talk to her, nothing comes out of it. I could never rationalize with her. It was like talking to a wall. She would never apologize or take blame. She would deny being physical or verbally abusive. I was really worried I lose it one day. All I can do is hold her down, I can't leave. The arguments and fights go in cycle and loops not matter how hard I try to stop/avoid them. The word "I am sorry" never work. She would argue/fight until she gets tired and go to sleep. Sometimes she'd wake me up in the middle of the night to "talk" about it.

The wedding planning was really stressful to her and this caused her to be more moody and abusive. We would argue a lot. After  big fights, there was nothing stopping or triggering her from fighting 15 minutes later. She would wake me at nights to talk about things which meant another fight. We don't fight about finances or important things, we fight about me not loving her, not caring, that I would leaver her any day if I meet a new girl, that I am never there for the relationship. So not true.

A week before the wedding, we had a big fight, not sure for what, most likely wanting attention and she canceled the wedding. And she tried blaming me for canceling the wedding. I moved out of the townhouse. The day I moved out she tried to contact all my family trying to get me back.

I kept all this inside me and when I opened up and told friends and family, they were shocked, they thought she was the perfect girl. They all want me to stay as far as possible from her and that she was trouble. She now wants to work on things and want me to move back with her. Constantly trying to make me feel bad, sending pictures, screenshots of sweet texts I sent before. She wants me to be committed, exclusive, and I keep telling her whats more committed than marriage and she was the one who canceled it. Imagine the embarrassment calling family and friends telling them that the wedding was canceled. I had family and friends flying in from all over the places.

Thanks to this site, I now know her BPD mental issues and that I can never fix her and that she needs professional help. She never takes blame and she will always denies she is BPD and will never go see a therapist. This was a toxic unhealthy relationship and everyone tells me that I am really lucky that she canceled the wedding. I am now feeling much better, recovering, reading, feeling the weights off my shoulder. I was a zombie living in her world, her ups and downs, her unhappiness and emptiness and I was shutting off all my feelings. Am I lucky right?

[downwhim]

Luckyfella,

My heart goes out to you . Wow, I know all too well what BPD's act like when you get engaged. They become like caged animals. He had to go cheat and be free and BE HIMSELF AGAIN> My BPD bolted 11 months after he proposed. He sent me an email two months ago saying the stress of the wedding was too much for him (I had not even planned anything yet and there was no date). I got an email calling off the engagement AND saying we were done. That is what I got after being a pretty d... m good girlfriend and wasting 8 years of my life.  Get too close to a borderline and off they go... .My friends like yours knew nothing of his real self. He saved that all for me when no one was around. I was too embarrassed to tell them of the verbal and emotional abuse which was happening more frequent since the engagement.

My inner voice told me not to move in with him. 8 years of separate places. It was expensive but I knew I would feel stifled at his house. He asked me to move in again, red flags were everywhere and his behavior was a major turn off.

I am told I dodged a bullet. He would have made my life hell... .I am left with shame and was so very embarrassed to tell friends and family we were no longer together. I got dumped. This is our 3rd b/u. I am working on myself now... .I am the sicko for taking him back.

I wish you the very best and know you will learn a lot as you post here and work through this hard time. I too kept thinking because he likes to ruin vacations, Valentines Day that he just might ruin the wedding he did, and your BPD proved sometimes they wait until the last minute to disappoint you and keep you off guard. Hang in there, your free now to find real love!

[pallavirajsinghani]

Luckyfella:  Yes, you did dodge a bullet.  My brother is married to one... .I can't even tell you of the devastation it has caused... .it is painful to recount the fiscal,verbal, emotional abuse of our mother at her (their hands--he had major fleas back then)... .a story so painful that I don't have the courage to repeat.

Now the bigger issue is:  How much do you know about recycling... .and being in FOG (acronym... .Fear,Obligation,Guilt"?  Please seek counseling and stay with us because you are super vulnerable right now.  There are 99% chances that you will give in when she love bombs you again with promises of change, of being better.  The hope of "what could have been" will take you back into the desert chasing mirage... .

So, please understand your own vulnerability and prepare your defenses against the recycling attempts.

Understand that total NC is the only effective method.

Please do not let false nostalgia seduce you.

God Bless.

[maxen]

I kept all this inside me

i too told nobody what was going on in my marriage (or before), and what a mistake that was. so, lesson to myself, pick a few very close friends to whom you can tell things as they happen. 

and when I opened up and told friends and family, they were shocked, they thought she was the perfect girl. They all want me to stay as far as possible from her and that she was trouble.

you have good friends and family. please lean on them now, when you need them. call them if you feel weak, for example if you want to re-engage or be re-engaged by her (see pallavira's post). post here too, the board has maybe 10,000 years of collective experience to share!

[almostmarried]

"Am I lucky,right?"

YES YOU ARE.