hard drugs

[Parents! Get help here!]

Pretty sure my BPD stepdaughter who i care for is starting to do meth or amphtamines looking for insights please say anything the situation is long an complicated but need some sounding boards 

[SlyQQ]

Pretty sure my BPD stepdaughter who i care for is starting to do meth or amphtamines looking for insights please say anything the situation is long an complicated but need some sounding boards 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

I'm so very sorry that this could be going on, SlyQQ 

My own adult (37) son was a Heroin addict for multiple years, and got his BPD diagnosis at a Dual Diagnosis Program in 2013. He'd been to two "regular" Rehab programs in a 3 year period, a year before checking into this DDx Program, and this last one was the only Program that worked for him. It looked at his mental health issues as a priority, and the addiction as a symptom of them--instead of just getting him through Detox, Withdrawals and Recovery with no mental health evaluations and treatment.

He relapsed within 6 months after completing successfully both of the "regular" Rehabs, but is now 20 months clean and sober after successfully completing the DDx Program. I can't speak highly enough about such a Program. Maybe you can see if there is one by you that your stepdaughter might attend? Since she has mental health issues plus substance abuse/addiction (if your fears are true), she would definitely qualify... .

I'm really sorry about this; I know the pain, frustration, horror and helplessness involved with watching a loved one self-destruct with illegal drugs   (click on the globe under my avatar, or the link in my signature line to read his story, which does have a happy ending... .)

[tristesse]

Hi SlyQQ

I'm sorry to hear that you think your SD is dabbling in hardcore drugs. My DD was a bulemic with an alchohol issue, and she sometimes dabbled in drugs. She is 31 now and has no addictive issues any longer. She was not in any treatment facility like Rapt Readers son, but has stopped the drinking and drugs because she has a child now, she has even gone from bulimia to over eating,( what an odd turn of events, I know ).

I agree with Rapt Reader though, if you can get her into DDX program I think you should. She is still young and has a lot of life to live, so the sooner she gets help the better. I would hate to see her be like my DD and be 31 and so far gone with the BPD we may never get her back.

I don't say that to discourage you, but rather to encourage you, my DD wasn't diagnosed or treated until she was 25 years old, so I believe that you have a great opportunity here since your SD is still young and impressionable, hopefully it will be easier to retrain her brain ( so to speak )

I will be thinking of you and looking for updates. Good Luck

[SlyQQ]

She knows all about hard drugs her mum was a long term heroin addict ( once sent her to a 25k a week rehab place for two weeks used the day she came back cest la vie ) so I hoped she would stay clear spent a lot of my life dealing with this stuff but am desperate know if I hard line will get painted black in the worst possible way ( accusations of the worst possible sort leveled at me with the authorities who will probably ignore them now like they did with her mum) and a SET approach will just go in circles drugs take over and twist things so everything gets subsumed to that goal was going to get her mum to talk to her but that is a keg of dynamite

[SlyQQ]

P.S. she is already linked with a hothouse an is under an ITO though this is not drug related so she cab be put involuntarily in hospital at anytime

[SlyQQ]

pps Already contacted her psychologist re my concerns an have recieved a call back saying her psychiatrist wants to see her ten days from now?

[Rapt Reader]

pps Already contacted her psychologist re my concerns an have recieved

a call back saying her psychiatrist wants to see her ten days from now?

Can you ask her Psychologist if there is a Dual Diagnosis Program in your area that she can go to? My son's was part of a Regional Medical Center in PA, and was great for him... .

[SlyQQ]

Thank you rapt will ask another complication is step daughter will not accept BPD painted her mum black black for being that closest to an official diagnosis is " manic with abandoment issues " they try an treat everyone here as "individuals " nowdays but will see what options are available that way thanks

[Kwamina]

Hi SlyQQ,

Pretty sure my BPD stepdaughter who i care for is starting to do

meth or amphtamines

I am very sorry to hear this. I know from your previous posts how much you worry about the dangers of drugs. What makes you so sure that your stepdaughter is starting to do hard drugs? Has her behavior changed in recent days? Have your perhaps found hard drugs in her possession? Or seen her in the company of people you know do hard drugs?

and a SET approach will just go in circles drugs take over

and twist things so everything gets subsumed to that goal

was going to get her mum to talk to her but that is a keg of dynamite

SET is just one of the techniques at our disposal. Are you familiar with D.E.A.R.M.A.N.? This acronym stands for Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindfully (keep your focus), Appear (confident) and Negotiate. D.E.A.R.M.A.N. is about asserting yourself and getting something you want like getting your daughter to change and stop doing drugs.

D.E.A.R.M.A.N. is used when you have an objective, you want something specific, such as to get more sleep, to have help with the chores, to affect a change or to say NO to a request. You want the other person to come away feeling good about you and not full of resentment. This preserves the relationship. You also want to protect or even enhance your self respect.

... .

DEARMAN is not simple to do: Steering a conversation through 7(!) defined steps with a person that is prone to dysregulation while you are feeling possibly weak and insecure is virtually impossible.

The key to acquire the skill for DEARMAN lies NOT in following the letters. It lies in learning the underlying skills and practicing them well enough to then being able to steer a conversation through DEARMAN. When looking at DEARMAN it is clear that we are to express needs for change.

... .

DEARMAN is valuable skill that at its very core boils down to:

We have a right to ask for change - the other side may or may not agree, that is fine too.

When owning up to our requests, staying respectful and focused on what we want we improve our chances for affecting change.

You can read more about this technique here:

COMMUNICATION: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique

D.E.A.R.M.A.N. - Marsha Linehan, MD published the DEARMAN in 1993 as part of her DBT training manual.

D= Describe the current situation. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to. Stick to the facts.

E= Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don’t expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.

A= Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don’t expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.

R= Reinforce the reward to the person ahead of time. Tell the person the positive effects of getting what you want or need. Help the person feel good ahead of time for doing what you want.

M= Mindfully keep your focus on your objectives. Maintain your position. Don’t be distracted.

A= Appear Confident. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating, saying “I’m not sure,” etc.

N= Negotiate by being willing to give to get. Offer and ask for alternative solutions to the problem. What am I willing to “settle for” or “give up” in order to gain what I want in the situation?

[SlyQQ]

Was going to headon yesterday talked to SD mum but she did not think an approach by both of us together would be of use ( vunerability of her posisition an she is scared) decided to approach SD seperately rather than with BF ( divide and conquor ) butcould not get her alone ) going dearman set and my way or the highway approach trying to keep her offbalance w/out dysregulating liberal doses of validation with any concessions forthcomiing and out the door otherwise heres hoping 

[Mutt]

My SD15 is drinking, cutting and doing drugs. Her situation is different than yours SlyQQ. It's hard to watch a loved one go through this. I'm sorry for your family. I noticed people distanced themselves from her and were invalidating her. Kind of isolating her with their black and white thinking. They think she's all bad.

I had an hour and a half conversation with her this summer on my stoop. She's estranged. It's complicated with my ex. I felt bad I couldn't help her. I saw how my actions in my family were a part of the dysfunction.

I listened, validated her. It was heartbreaking hearing her trials and tribulations for such a young woman. I told her I'm sorry your dad abandoned you. She said " You know Mutt, your the only person that stuck up for me"

My point. I think validating is a good tool. My SD is young and needed someone to listen. Someone in her corner. Her behaviors on the outside are difficult. I think she has another story people don't see. Silence is a great source of strength.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi SlyQQ,

How are things with your (step)daughter now? You said you were going to confront her about the hard drugs. Did you follow through on this plan and if so, how did she respond to what you had to say?

[SlyQQ]

said it would stop side stepping stuff trying to come up with another plan seemed normal fobbing off stuff her boyfriend is doint it too i think that makes it ten times hadrer plus no hard evidence just behaviour based but no how hard drugs go preety sure told her psychologist an only thing i know has happened is psychiatrist lifted the ITO ( involuntary treatment order ) waiting for an oppertunity sigh 

[SlyQQ]

Merry xmas kwamina

[Kwamina]

Merry xmas kwamina

Thanks SlyQQ! Merry Xmas to you too