7 months nc then a text

[Front runner]

Hi All,

I've been around 7 months nc.  Moved cities, started a new job.  I've not been able to move on from my BPDex but have been doing mountains of therapy and playing loads of sport.  Been on the odd date but nothing of any note. 

She slept around when i was with her.  she was terrible around my son.  Basically used and abused me.  Anyway i was trauma bonded deeply.  The effects of my relationship with her resulted in my own diagnosis of emotionally unstable personality disorder (BPD for you guys across that vast ocean).  I was never unfaithful and never abused her.  But one of the symptons for BPD is unhealthy attachments.

So, she texted a happy christmas text and i've arranged a meeting.  Ive no idea what shes thinking or what she wants so i thought id go along and see. im planning on just being straight with her about my feelings and asking her how she feels.

if you could advise me about the pitfalls and the possible outcomes from your experiences that we would be hugely appreciated.  Thank You

[RunForest]

Hi Front runner (please excuse my poor english)

She slept around when i was with her.  she was terrible around my son.   

I will be very direct : I'll be you I do not lend myself to agree to comply with her requests to see you - Christmas ... .or Valentine  - meeting is above all an excuse to continue to have you as a provision to her good will.

  Ive no idea what shes thinking or what she wants so i thought id go along and see. im planning on just being straight with her about my feelings and asking her how she feels.

She wants to keep on controlling you and your feelings.

Why do you want to stay under her thumb?

have been doing mountains of therapy and playing loads of sport. 

 

[Front runner]

i,ve been thinking about texting her prior to meeting basically saying ive got feelings for her and dont want to meet if she just wants to be friends.  How would that go down?

[ziniztar]

What do you expect or hope to get out of such a meeting?

[Front runner]

I want to get back together with her and most importantly I want her to want to get back together with me and want to know the best way to achieve this without damaging myself too much. That's why I thought I'd text her to say I still loved her and couldn't meet unless she wanted to be with me. This is desperate and weak and needy? And she needs someone strong and cool I'd say. So the best way might be to meet and be cool and not project stuff onto her and then take the pain after. What would you advise? Thanks

[ziniztar]

And she needs someone strong and cool I'd say. So the best way might be to meet and be cool and not project stuff onto her and then take the pain after.

1) So what you need does not matter? You should adapt?

2) The bold sentence is the future of your life, in a nut shell. Is that what you're in for?

What is it that you get out of a r/s with her?

[Front runner]

I don't know. I'm emmotionally unstable. Being with her takes me out of myself. The sex too was amazing. I want her love and validation. I'm not cool and strong. I'm anxious neurotic and paranoid. But for some reason she has the power to make me feel amazing or put me in the most dessilate place I've ever been in. It's an obsession and it's unhealthy for me. Like now I cant sleep worrying whether I should text her and back thinking about who she's seeing etc. I'm conflicted about sending the text. Part of me is terrified about the rejection and abandonment I might feel if we do meet hence the desire to put my cards on the table beforehand. But another part is saying that's weak and she'll reject you anyway. I need to turn it round and regain my power. She contacted me and I arranged to meet.im holding the cards so to speak but inside I feel powerless

[RunForest]

You should not expect her to initiate relationship.

i,ve been thinking about texting her prior to meeting basically saying ive got feelings for her and dont want to meet if she just wants to be friends.  How would that go down?

Your posture is like a child who ask permission .

Don't text that, don't be in a hurry to speak about your love for her.

Meanwhile she will retain control.

She can answer anything like "yes I will be kind to you this time"

but tomorrow is another day and she will deceive you, and will be mean to your child.

Anyway, your son is suffering to see his father debase to an unstable woman.

With sports and therapy, you can become assertive so you do not expect a woman to choose you, and you could be the one who initiate a relationship with women without problems ?

This is just the opinion of a woman and I'm not a psychologist.

"You can not fly like eagle if you hang out with turkeys"

[Front runner]

"You can not fly like eagle if you hang out with turkeys"

Love that thanks.  Yes you're right don't declare my love too soon.  So meet up and play it as cool as possible.  Stay boundried and listen without diving in.  I'll try.  Then walk away and back to nc.  That is going to be very hard but maybe the best thing to do.  Concentrate on all the bad stuff

[ziniztar]

Why meet up and then go back to NC? What good could come out of that? What's the purpose?

Listen to your wise mind (the one in the middle, combining both emotions + logical thinking).

Take good care of yourself.

[Front runner]

Thank You. The wise mind can use this as an opportunity to see for myself how she feels through her actions. Express to her how I feel through my actions and words. Get as close to the core of the truth as I can. Find out if she likes me or not. If things don't pan out like I'd hope then some of that false hope and fantasy can be chipped away

[Front runner]

Just seen my therapist who's said if I was being truthful to myself here and wanted to send a text it should go something like 'the feelings I have for you aren't anything to do with you but are there because I have a personality disorder. How could I love someone or have feelings for someone who treated me the way you did' he obviously then advised me not to send it. There's so much truth in this as far as my logical mind goes but I just can't friggin feel it in my heart

[ziniztar]

Hey,

Just checkin, what type of disorder do you have?

Must be tough also  .

I think it's good you discussed with your T.

I know how hard it is to know something and not feel it. But I've learnt to appreciate my logical side even when I don't feel like it. I've slowly but steadily learnt that good things come out of it. Sometimes I don't listen to it, I just choose not to immediately react to my emotions. Usually I feel good about that. If I don't, there's always enough time to adjust that.

Nothing in the world is so important it is required to immediately and only listen to your emotions. People who say you should follow your heart are emotionally securely attached and have no idea what the other 50% of the world population is struggeling with .

Best of luck!

[Front runner]

Hi ziniztar,

I got diagnosed with emotional unstable personality disorder a few months ago by a psychiatrist and my therapist has confirmed it, although he doesn't like labels. I would guess I wasn't the only one on here.

I agree I do always follow my emotions which can lead to very poor decision making. In my head the relationship can never work but emotionally it's a different story. I'll try and check in to both at the same time and find some kind of middle ground.

Thanks

[RunForest]

'the feelings I have for you aren't anything to do with you but are there because I have a personality disorder. How could I love someone or have feelings for someone who treated me the way you did'

Thanks for telling what T said, it is interesting... .I often said to me something like that during my ex toxic relationship - for me and also for the partner.

Personally soon in the same situation , I would prefer not to meet him - or meet him being sure of letting him no opening . Because I know in the past I could fall just for fun and I don't want to spoil weeks of break up, trying to improve my self esteem.

Though I would better discuss that with her rather than text it. Don't fall if you see her... .good luck !