It can't ever be easy

[TurkBoo]

First, I appreciate reading everyone's posts.  This site has been a life saver for me.  I sometimes feel like I'm losing my mind and I read stories that could be mine and I feel like I'm not alone.  Sorry this is going to be so long, but I really, really need to vent.

My grandmother is dying of cancer and she lives 6 hours away.  My dad lives near her, and so we decided to travel over the Thanksgiving holiday to see her and stay with my dad for the few short days we would stay.  My parents are divorced and I have a wonderful relationship with my dad and stepmom.  My dad keeps a limited relationship with my uBPDsis but for the most part he only sees her on birthdays and holidays.

I decided not to stay over through Thanksgiving because I knew my dad was hosting a huge dinner and my uBPDsis would be invited and I didn't want to attend since I have been NC for a year with her after a year of LC.  Also, I did not want to make my dad feel like he had to choose.

We planned to drive over, spend time with my grandmother and then continue on the my dad's.  I told my brother we would be there and we planned for him to meet us there to spend a few hours together.  Then my brother decided to share my plans with my uBPDs.  She freaked out and called my dad saying he was choosing me, he was excluding her on purpose, he didn't love her, etc.  I have done EVERYTHING to keep my dad out of the middle.  I have never asked him to choose a side, because he wants a relationship with my niece and nephew.  He knows every nasty email my uBPDsis has sent me over the last year (which I don't respond to), he knows about every horrible Facebook post she continues to make about me.  He has never talked to her about it, and she does not discuss it at all with him... .until now.  My dad felt awful.  I felt awful.  My brother still "plays the game" and didn't feel bad, he actually said he was defending himself in case they found out after the fact.  I almost didn't go, but I decided my kids and husband and I needed to see my grandmother.  When we were at my grandmother's house we discussed that two days later we would be back in the morning to spend more time with her on our way home.  My aunt, who is caring for her, said we couldn't come because my sister (who has not gone to see my grandmother for the year and a half she's been diagnosed) called and said she was coming that same day but couldn't give them a time.  I was devastated.  After all my careful planning, my sister was doing everything to make it difficult.  My sister was messing with me the only way she knew how, since I am NC with her.

My poor grandmother said she felt manipulated.  After we left, she called my dad and told him that she was going have my aunt call and tell my sister not to come that day, because she was not feeling good, but any other day would be fine.  Not surprising my sister decided to not go see her at all. 

I hate when I feel all alone.  I hate when I feel like my coming to see my grandmother and dad has made their lives more complicated.  I get that I'm not the bad guy, but I wish all this drama would end.

[TurkBoo]

 Not that it matters that much for this post, but my mom is also uBPD.  I've been NC with her also, but she couldn't use my dad or grandmother (dad's mom) since both of them have nothing to do with her.  She had a major breakdown during the divorce, and when my dad wasn't handy to mess with, she threw all her anger at me.

[clljhns]

Hi TurkBoo,

Not that it matters that much for this post, but my mom is also uBPD.

It does matter. Your entire post matters. I am so sorry that your grandmother is so ill and that your sister has sabotaged the time you planned to spend with her.

This site has been a life saver for me.  I sometimes feel like I'm losing my mind and I read stories that could be mine and I feel like I'm not alone.

You are definitely not alone on this site. Many of us here have gone through what you have. Many of my family holiday celebrations ended in chaos and hurt feelings. It seemed like I was thrown into a circus and told to walk the tight-wire, without a net. It was never a happy occasion. Someone was always mad at someone.

I told my brother we would be there and we planned for him to meet us there to spend a few hours together.  Then my brother decided to share my plans with my uBPDs.  She freaked out and called my dad saying he was choosing me, he was excluding her on purpose, he didn't love her, etc.  I have done EVERYTHING to keep my dad out of the middle.  I have never asked him to choose a side, because he wants a relationship with my niece and nephew.

This must be a tough situation for dad. I am curious why your brother called BPDsis to tell her of your plans. Does brother know of your wishes to have NC with BPDsis?

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Peace and blessings. 

[TurkBoo]

Thank you Clljhns.  I appreciate your response. 

The reason he told them, in his words, "I told her (my uBPDsis)  because if she found out later I didn't want to get caught in a nuclear melt down."  He still protects himself from their attacks, even though he doesn't want to talk about the fact that they attack anyone.

My brother sees my uBPDm and uBPDsis a lot.  My mom babysits for my brother all the time and he has a pretty good idea about everything that is going on, but would rather not be in the middle.  My uBPDmom and uBPDsis tell him and my sil how devastate my NC is and that they did nothing, this is all my doing.  They want contact and I'm refusing.   They say I'm evil, I'm manipulative, I'm a bully, I've made up all the things they did to me and my young daughter.  Obviously, they are projecting, but because my brother sees them so much and needs my mom to babysit, he doesn't argue.   

My dad and I have decided not to share with him my visits, until I am actually there.  That way it lessens their ability to mess things up.

[clljhns]

Hi TukBoo,

[quote Obviously, they are projecting, but because my brother sees them so much and needs my mom to babysit, he doesn't argue.   

][/quote]
It sounds like you have a good handle on what is going on. I would agree that this sounds like projection. I think you have a good plan in place with dad to not share when you are visiting.

I am sorry that you are the position to be painted black by other family members. Stay strong in your boundaries! You have to do what is best for you and your young daughter.

Peace and blessings. 

[NeedanEar]

Hi TurkBoo 

So sorry that you're going through all of this. I've found myself saying the same things in the last year "It can never be easy". I'm still unsure of all of the abbreviations, but my mom is not diagnosed but exhibits strong BPD traits. When my Aunt (on my dad's side) was dying at the beginning of last year, my mom was furious that I was going to see her. I live across the country from my family and so it was a big deal for me to buy a plane ticket to see a dying family member. My mom acted extremely jealous and lashed out at me in numerous ways. I was going to be staying with my cousins during the visit and she was really angry that they were going to be seeing me for more days than I saw her on my last visit. Mind you, I haven't seen them in YEARS, but that wasn't important to her. In her mind, I was choosing sides (my dad's) and she didn't like it. It was terrible for me and she didn't get it.

I imagine it's similar with you and your grandmother. You just want to go see her and your dad and not have any problems, but as soon as your sis gets involved, it becomes a huge headache for you. It's really hard to deal with all of that on top of dealing with the sickness of your grandmother. I wish I had some amazing words of advice, but I'm still processing all of my stuff (I only recently even heard of BPD and put the puzzle pieces together about my mom) and so I don't have any yet. What I can say is keep talking here about it. I've only known about the site for 2 days and already I'm feeling less alone and much more supported. I hope you can find some solace here too. 

[Linda Maria]

Hi Turkboo!  So sorry for what you're going through.  Our situations are very different, but I can totally identify with the feelings of frustration and anger.  My uBPDsis really turned on me just after my Mum died early last year.  We had to sort out quite a complicated estate as joint executors, and she has turned it into a nightmare, tried to stop me getting money, delayed everything as much as possible, and of course, mounted a massive distortion campaign against me - you would not believe the things I have been accused of!  What was so frustrating was the way she would derail the slightest thing, for absolutely no purpose.  We needed to get some roof repairs done on a property to stop it getting damaged, and she refused to agree it, so it has got worse and worse.  I can't spend the money on it without her agreement - it's not even a lot of money.  She ignores any quotes I send, she pretends she has got quotes when she hasn't, she has just jerked so many people around it has been unbelievably painful and completely futile, as the damage has got worse, so in the end it will cost more to repair!  Where's the logic?  The frustration I felt over the last 18 months was awful - I really thought I was going mad at times.  So - not very helpful - but just know that I, and lots of other people totally get where you're coming from.  Thank goodness you have other family members that do get it as well, and you are right to simply not communicate anything to those people, like your brother, who for whatever reason, tell her of your plans.  Being NC as much as possible, and not sharing with people who might, even if not maliciously, inform the BPD person of anything that could trigger their antics, is what has worked for me.  Best wishes.

[TurkBoo]

Thanks for your stories NeedanEar and Linda Marie.  I am sorry you have to go through it too.  I really appreciate you sharing your stories, because sometimes it feels like maybe this is all in my head, maybe it's not as bad as it feels.  To know others are having similar issues with their BPD relative lets me know that this is common and I need to stop feeling guilty about all the drama created.  It's not coming from me.

[NeedanEar]

You're welcome Sharing my story, even in the small part that I have, has been helpful. Sometimes it feels like a word-vomit as I've had so much inside, but haven't been able to talk to others who are going through this because, as I think you know, it feels like sharing your story is a betrayal to whomever has uBPD or BPD.

I need to stop feeling guilty about all the drama created.  It's not coming from me.

I feel that need as well. I'm trying to reconcile it with the truth that I also need to be forgiving of myself and treat myself with tenderness. It's really hard, but I would suggest starting there. Every once in awhile, just remember you're in the process of dealing with all of this. I have a hard time following my own advice btw, but I'm working on it.

Something I read on this site about an hour ago was "My well being is my responsibility, not the result of someone's behavior." It hit home with me, but my brain is still not fully on board with it, as the pain and anxiety of it all has yet to leave my chest. I'm hoping by reaching out for support and asking for tools to cope, that I will eventually heal. I hope the same for you too.