CPTSD, hypervigilance and safe places

Ziggiddy

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CPTSD, hypervigilance and safe places

« on: December 11, 2014, 04:38:44 AM »

I started this program to evaluate and deal with symptoms of CPTSD.

Now I guess it made sense to me to think I have the thing (CPTSD) as the symptoms are very much there as well as the causes but I don't FEEL like I do. So I tried to work on matching my insides with my outsides - my thinking with my feelings per se.

And I discovered something rather disturbing - that this sensation - this normal everyday feeling is not normal at all.

Some people are aware they are hypervigilant.

My brother always has a wall at his back.

Me, I can walk past a friend on the street and not even notice them!

So the traumatologist recommends starting out with a relaxation technique. Are you kidding me? If I were anymore relaxed I'd slip into a coma. But ok I'll give it a shot.

Yes yes nice beach very pretty the waves are rolli-<head swings around> There's people coming.

People who deserve to be here more than me. Sigh. I really wanted to stay here. oh well ... .<moves on>

Ok ok I am in a lovely forest glade in twilight. It's cool and gloomy and wonderful. there's the smell of pine in the air and I - <head swings around>

What's that? Insects? An aeroplane? Something buzzing. people comng? or is it bears? I want to go somewhere else.

And it went on.

The guy suggested a bulletproof invincible bubble where no one could get me. Maybe even in outer space. It felt yearningly lonely and I was so sad. Is this depression? but I laugh SO MUCH. It can't be depression can it?

Ok ok I'm not giving up. Maybe somewhere imaginary? CANDYWORLD! lollies every where! I can eat the sugar canes and ... .diabeetus. Hypoglycaemia. Diabetic coma.

Sigh. This is not what I was expecting.

So I think. And I think. And I think for days. then i get something. An old farmhouse. With nice quiet fields and big trees. it's calm.

And inside the farmhouse an old wizened couple drinking tea quietly by the fire. It's so quiet. Not eerie quiet but peace-quiet.

This ... .this is nice. This is really nice.

So I sit with them. They smile but don't talk much. Not like my uBPDm who never draws breath. Whose conversation never strays more than 3 words away from herself. Whose silence means punishment, vengeance ... .plotting.

No this silence is different.

Companionable.

And the farmer's wife takes me upstairs and puts me in this beautiful copper bath like they had in the 18th century. And then she pours honeywarm water all down my shoulders and back.

It is the most luxuriously cared for sensation I have ever felt.

Then she massages rose scented shampoo into my hair and washes it clean.

She dries me with a fluffy white towel and then powders me with one of those old fashioned powder puff sticks. It smells soapy and rosy all at the same time.

Then she slips a brushed cotton night dress over my head - it is soft as a cloud and light as rain.

She then takes me to an old four poster bed and pulls back feather floating eiderdown and cool linen sheets.

She lies me down and envelopes me into her warm soft body and holds me as the tears begin to flow.

And I try.

I try to ignore my mother's face at the window contorted with rage .


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BuildingFromScratch

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Re: CPTSD, hypervigilance and safe places

« Reply #1 on: December 11, 2014, 06:28:54 AM »

I'm sorry you're so haunted by how your mother has treated you. Hope you feel better. I just wanted to say it sounds like you'd be good at poetry or drawing or some sort of art, I like the imagery.


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Ziggiddy

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Re: CPTSD, hypervigilance and safe places

« Reply #2 on: December 11, 2014, 08:11:06 AM »

BuildingFromScratch

Thank you for that. I appreciate what you said.

i was thinking that on the positive side I am pinpointing my fears it is easier to deal with specific fears than abstract ones. It has helped me see just how deep it may run.

I also learned that I have never turned to anyone else for protection so that is a novel idea for me - even if it's only imaginary! It gives me some ideas what to work on. Plus it means I can start to attach the fear to her rather than to everyone in general. Maybe that will help produce less social anxiety for me.

In any case I thank you for your reply. it was really nice.


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Pingo

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Re: CPTSD, hypervigilance and safe places

« Reply #3 on: December 11, 2014, 10:57:32 AM »

I really love the imagery of the farmhouse, I agree with BuildingfromScratch, you have a way with words! And what a nice visualisation, having someone pamper you and make you feel warm and tender and cared for. I hope that one day the image of your mother being in the window will disappear in time as you heal.


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Harri

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Re: CPTSD, hypervigilance and safe places

« Reply #4 on: December 12, 2014, 05:07:30 PM »

Hi Zig. First let me join in with the others to say you do have a way with words. The words you used painted an image so clear in my head that I felt I was right there with you.

Okay, so this is going to sound weird but (!) I am happy you allowed yourself to follow through on the imagery and that you are letting this out. The only way to work on this is to go through and it sounds to me like you are doing that very thing. I want to jump up and down and cheer for you but I keep reminding myself this is supposed to be a peaceful and relaxing place, so I won't.

What does her face in the window mean to you? Do you think you want to work on changing that part of the imagery?


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Ziggiddy

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Re: CPTSD, hypervigilance and safe places

« Reply #5 on: December 14, 2014, 07:39:53 PM »

Pingo - thank you for that thought - if I look on the bright side, at least she is only a tthe window - on the outside so i guess the place is safe!

harri- jumping up and down and cheering are welcome happy noises! Jump away!

I really like your questions there.

really really made me think.

I guess her face in the window means that she is deep in side my psyche. This makes me know I would like her out of there. I don't like the rage-face. It means I am terrible/naughty/incorrigible and I don't want to believe those things are true. I would like some emotional surgery to remove her.

Ok Idea

you mean I could remove her? That is quite a novel and empowering thought. If I just imagine her away won't she still be there? Somewhere? Waiitng till I am vulnerable?

Am I just making her worse than what she is? help! I am losing touch with reality - ok let's be honest I never really knew what reality was!

Ok so now I am thinking, I don't want to go somewhere else -this place is MINE. So I guess I need to either find a way to get rid of her or be like that guy in A Beautiful Mind who just learns to live with the people in his head. Maybe I can't get rid of her. <Shudder>


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Re: CPTSD, hypervigilance and safe places

« Reply #6 on: December 14, 2014, 11:45:45 PM »

Zig, I had the same problem with my mom intruding into my thoughts and her presence was always there even after she died. I agree that this means she is deep inside your psyche. Of course she is! as your mother she was/is a huge part of your life. And yes, I do mean that you can make her go away. It takes time and I am not sure she will never pop into your mind again in this way, but you can certainly reduce the frequency. It can be as simple as saying "Please leave, I do not want you here"... .and if you have to say it again in 5 nanoseconds, say it again... .and again. Obviously it will take time and your method to remove her can change. When I was reading your post, I visualized you walking over to the window, opening it, and pushing her away and saying "get out of here, this is my time and my place. You are not welcome here". I even pictured it on the second floor with her on a ladder and you pushing the ladder away from the window (if it makes you feel better have her land on soft sand... me personally? I would have her land on cement :P ) It does not matter what you visualize or the words you use. Change the scene... .this is your place and if you do not want her there, say so!

Excerpt

This makes me know I would like her out of there. I don't like the rage-face. It means I am terrible/naughty/incorrigible and I don't want to believe those things are true. I would like some emotional surgery to remove her.

Can I also suggest that you re-write the story behind her rage? Write a story where you give her back her rage... .it belongs to her. It is her projection and her rage and as such, she gets to keep it to herself and deal with it. Figure out a way to give it back to her. Say no, I will not accept your rage any longer. I will not allow you to intrude any longer. Say whatever works for you. and remember to tell Little Zig that she is not any of the things you wrote. She isn't you know. I promise you that.

Zig, I think you know I still struggle with the mother in my head syndrome but it is so much better than it was. I spent a lot of time working on visualizations while I was setting boundaries with her and also after she died and kept showing up in my head and was in my dreams. It took time but I realized I was making progress when I had a couple of dreams where we were in the car. I was driving and she was talking non-stop nagging and abusing the hell out of me (I could not hear words, all I heard was the endless babble but the tone said it all). In the dream, I finally had it and said No, get out! and I reached across her and opened the door and then kicked her out of the moving car... .and I do mean I was using my legs to push her out... .we were going pretty fast too... .on a crowded highway. But *I* was driving the car... .and she did not pop back in the dream after I pushed her out. It was a sign to me that I was in charge and taking back my power.

Excerpt

So I guess I need to either find a way to get rid of her or be like that guy in A Beautiful Mind who just learns to live with the people in his head. Maybe I can't get rid of her. <Shudder>

My vote is the first option. Option two is sucky to be honest with you. You *can* do this.


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Ziggiddy

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Re: CPTSD, hypervigilance and safe places

« Reply #7 on: December 15, 2014, 12:51:39 AM »

Can't stop crying at this^ Oh thank you. For reminding me I'm not a victim. this is MY life.

How DARE she show up in my sacred nice place.

I need to think about these things you have said

Thank you so much


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Grey Kitty

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Re: CPTSD, hypervigilance and safe places

« Reply #8 on: December 15, 2014, 07:37:32 PM »

Here's a technique I had learned from a meditation teacher, for allowing thoughts to go away. It should work with the image of your mother's rage-face.

Tell your own mind "Thank you for sharing that with me." Then tell it "You may go now." It is a very gently way of moving on, and returning your focus to what you want it on.


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MammaMia

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Re: CPTSD, hypervigilance and safe places

« Reply #9 on: December 15, 2014, 08:18:43 PM »

Ziggity

I am curious as to your background and current circumstances. Can you provide some additional information?

Do you live with your mother? Do you have other family members? I am assuming you are an adult: how do you remember your childhood?

Did your mother have BPD or another form of mental illness? Other than a person specializing in trauma, have you had other professional guidance to deal with CPTSD?

Thank you.


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Re: CPTSD, hypervigilance and safe places

« Reply #10 on: December 16, 2014, 03:00:29 AM »

greyKitty

I like the notion of dealing with it rather than cowering in fear. i once heard a saying like "The past will keep on coming knocking until you invite it in and listen to what it has to say.

MammaMia I am 45 and recently working on becoming unenmeshed from codependency with uBPD/NPDm. by recently I mean about 8 months.

I have had no formal counselling at all - I live in a remote part of a state that has very little useful psychological resource. I attempted to find a counsellor and couldn't find one who knew what BPD was or the one person who did, did not want to treat anyone who had been affected by it.

the trauma counsellor is virtual. The program is from a text.

My mother is also very high on narcissistic scale. My home life entailed frequent beltings which cause me no little distress when I think of them.

Again it is only recently that I came to understand that they were a bit over the top even for people who are comfortable with belting as a form of discipline.

I guess I fit the criteria for CPTSD but I am mostly figuring this out on my own.

I am still panicked and scared more than any other feeling when I think of my mother.

To be honest I really don't know how to get better other than reading all I can, interacting here and occasionally when my courage is up trying to journal. (I do it fictitiously, just in case)

Thank you for taking an interest. Any suggestions would be gratefully received. I am tired of fear and catastrophic thinking.

Z


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Grey Kitty

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Re: CPTSD, hypervigilance and safe places

« Reply #11 on: December 16, 2014, 07:25:32 AM »

Quote from: Ziggiddy on December 11, 2014, 04:38:44 AM

Then she slips a brushed cotton night dress over my head - it is soft as a cloud and light as rain.

She then takes me to an old four poster bed and pulls back feather floating eiderdown and cool linen sheets.

She lies me down and envelopes me into her warm soft body and holds me as the tears begin to flow.

And I try.

I try to ignore my mother's face at the window contorted with rage .

If you go through that imagery again, I've got a suggestion.

Pull the curtain so you don't have to look at your mother's rage face out the window.

Speaking of which... .

How much contact do you have with your mother in real life today? Will you be seeing her over the holidays?


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Ziggiddy

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Re: CPTSD, hypervigilance and safe places

« Reply #12 on: December 16, 2014, 07:40:41 AM »

I get what you mean about the curtain, greyKitty but i know she is there. i guess I am expecting punishment for 'leaving her out' She does not like to be left out.

And I admit that I am still enmeshed enough to worry that her 'leaving' will take the biggest part of me away. I'm scared to keep her but scared to let her go. So annoying. So frustrating. And it feels like it's all in my head and not real you know? but that doesn't seem to stem the slow drift into panic.

yes I see her on occasion much much less than prviously and ther eis fallout from my withdrawal.

I will be seeing her next week on Christmas Day. Staying one night.

It's more a reunion than a celebration but yeah, it's getting me nervous.


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MammaMia

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Re: CPTSD, hypervigilance and safe places

« Reply #13 on: December 16, 2014, 01:26:09 PM »

Ziggiddy

You are to be commended for recognizing the problem and trying to do something about it. Your mother will not change. Change is up to you. You need to set clear boundaries that she is not allowed to cross, or avoid her altogether. Make rules and stick to them.

Stop letting her control you. This can be done by acknowledging her illness and forgiving her behavior because of it. Does this mean you need to accept her behavior? No. That is where the boundaries come in. When you become uncomfortable it is time to tell her to stop or leave. You control the situation.

Christmas is a highly emotional time, and it brings back childhood memories, so be careful. Choose to remember only the good times.

Keep the bad times in the back of your memory and bring them out only when you need to enforce your boundaries. They will give you strength, not fear. You are an adult. Your mother cannot hurt you physically or emotionally unless you allow her to. Let the past go. It is over and done and ruminating about it will only cause self-imposed pain about something you can do nothing about. Work at blocking those memories. Focus on all of the good and positive things in your life. They are worthy of your attention.

I hope you are able to locate someone, even online, who can help guide you through this, although one-on-one contact or group therapy may be better. It often helps to hear how others have stopped bad behavior and it will encourage you to do the same.

She is your mother ... .yes, but you do NOT need to allow her bad behavior. If you do, you will never heal. Take a stand and be firm. She will get the message. Do not argue with her, just put up a protective barrier and keep her out of your head. You CAN do this.


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Ziggiddy

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Re: CPTSD, hypervigilance and safe places

« Reply #14 on: December 16, 2014, 06:22:07 PM »

Thank you for this, MammaMia,

I appreciate what you're saying but I confess I find the things you suggest almost overwhelmingly difficult to process. I would like to, no LOVE to not let her be in control but honestly? To command that feels something like death to me.

It feels like facing the other way waiting to get a bullet in the back. My adrenaline is rushing even thinking of it!

But I know that the underpinning premise to what you're saying is about gaining control and I do agree with that, even though it is invoking anxiety to imagine. I guess focussing on the result rather than the action is the key. Or maybe even acknowledging that I'm just not able to dredge up that much courage at present.

I'm also feeling quite small when usually I am reasonably confident so I wonder if something else is happening internally that I am not identifying.

As far as Christmas goes yes that is excellent advice. I have already placed immovable restrictions on some parts of it which i KNOW I can execute with confidence.

I'm planning on treating it clinically - tell her I am monitoring her whacko behaviour. Make a chart. Writing it down. it feels funny to me and it will annoy her. (JK)

See how I joke? It can't be the end of the world!


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MammaMia

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Re: CPTSD, hypervigilance and safe places

« Reply #15 on: December 16, 2014, 06:29:55 PM »

Ziggiddy

Humor is a very good start to taking the pain out of what is going on. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. With every step forward, you will leave the past one step behind.


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Harri

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Re: CPTSD, hypervigilance and safe places

« Reply #16 on: December 21, 2014, 05:52:29 PM »

Excerpt

As far as Christmas goes yes that is excellent advice. I have already placed immovable restrictions on some parts of it which i KNOW I can execute with confidence.

I'm planning on treating it clinically - tell her I am monitoring her whacko behaviour. Make a chart. Writing it down. it feels funny to me and it will annoy her. (JK)

See how I joke? It can't be the end of the world!

You are right---> it is definitely not the end of the world. It is a new beginning and as such, you are bound to feel a bit (or even a lot) of anxiety so it is excellent that you are arming yourself with your humor! I used to imagine myself in a bubble where her words were heard but just bounced right off me. I also used to imagine myself surrounded by people who understood BPD and were standing right beside me supporting and encouraging me. sounds crazy I know, but it helped when I was feeling the most scared and vulnerable (well, actually those days were the ones where i just stayed away regardless of the circumstances, but you get what I mean). It helped me to have others along, even if only in my imagination, as I became more and more aware of just how capable I already was to deal with whatever happened. Ziggiddy, you too are very capable, so carry that knowledge along with you.

It sounds to me like you have a good plan for Christmas. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Are there any holes or specifics you want to plan out?


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Ziggiddy

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Re: CPTSD, hypervigilance and safe places

« Reply #17 on: December 22, 2014, 08:11:50 PM »

Thanks for that mammaMia. I like what you said about the steps.

Someone once told me that the journey of a thousand miles starts with a fan belt and a leaky radiator so that's nice isn't it?

Quote from: Harri on December 21, 2014, 05:52:29 PM

It is a new beginning and as such, you are bound to feel a bit (or even a lot) of anxiety

What an obvious thought and yet it escaped me entirely, Harri.

In fact it was only last week that I discovered the sensations that I experienced at some junctures are actually what other people call 'anxiety'! So shocked. Apparently because I am 'flooded' with adrenaline at a low level all of the time, I do not recognise an increase as such and therefore do not realise I am experiencing anxiety!

Quote from: Harri on December 21, 2014, 05:52:29 PM

I also used to imagine myself surrounded by people who understood BPD and were standing right beside me supporting and encouraging me. sounds crazy I know


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goingtostopthis

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Re: CPTSD, hypervigilance and safe places

« Reply #18 on: December 28, 2014, 02:42:55 PM »

Quote from: Ziggiddy on December 22, 2014, 08:11:50 PM

Thanks for that mammaMia. I like what you said about the steps.

Someone once told me that the journey of a thousand miles starts with a fan belt and a leaky radiator so that's nice isn't it?

Quote from: Harri on December 21, 2014, 05:52:29 PM

It is a new beginning and as such, you are bound to feel a bit (or even a lot) of anxiety

Quote from: Harri on December 21, 2014, 05:52:29 PM

I also used to imagine myself surrounded by people who understood BPD and were standing right beside me supporting and encouraging me. sounds crazy I know

Actually this doesn't sound crazy at all. It makes a lot of sense and, like most good ideas is simple and obvious. i think I will try this.

It actually gives me a tingle to think of it.

I am thinking now that part of my war zone sensations are of being unsupported. It simply doesn't occur to me to look for someone to 'stick up' for me.

I might use this I think.

Excellent notion

Ziggiddy,

I have anxiety too. and it seems to go on constantly in terms of my mother and my sister. It's like this low grade feeling of alert that never goes away. My mom and sister live together in a house next door to where I am. Im care taking this beautiful farm of my Aunts which is really just as much mine as my sister and mom, though sometimes it doesnt feel this way. My Aunt is close to death and cant take care of herself anymore so this place is going to us. Mainly me because Im the only one who really cares about at this point. The only problem is that I am haunted by my sister and my mother too because the way they act can be so mean. and irrational.

They hord animals, let me be honest, mainly dogs. They picked up two dogs off the road and dumped them here and so I have no choice but to feed them and live with them. The problem is my sister has to come up here to feed them and I never know when or if she is going to show up, which means I dont really feel like I have any privacy. I know she looks in my room when Im out in the barn. I know her and this feel just tears up my insides. If I were to put a lock on the door, I would be chastized for being out of my mind because it would make them look bad. I would never hear the end of it, or they would treat me like Im a psycho patient.

Some might say to me, Why dont you leave? and thats a really good question. I have considered it and Im leaving this option open for the future, after my Aunt passes. I havent because Im sitting on 78 acres of the most beautiful land I have ever seen in my life. And I work with horses which is my dream and if I leave I will never have a chance to do what I want with them with out a place like this. Im getting older and Im tired , I dont think I will ever be able to make enough money to ever have a place like this on my own, Im just being realistic.

I know I can over come them bothering me. On a mental level I know what they represent is only in my mind. Like phantums that dont really esxist, that if I were put on the right glasses would really be two toads on the ground , harmless. So Im working on myself and doing everything I can to feel stronger and safer. I have to go now but I will write again.


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Re: CPTSD, hypervigilance and safe places

« Reply #19 on: December 28, 2014, 08:39:04 PM »

I was gong to finish this by saying that different things work for different people. If you cant find a therapist you can be one for yourself. I had to wait two months to see one and I finally got in his office I had to answer his survey questions which took up practically the whole session. I thought I was going to explode like a missle and go through the roof, not out of anger for him but just out of the frustration of not having anyone to talk to about this and knowing once again I was going to have to wait. I finally realized that I was going to have to resign to being a therapist to myself in the mean time, and the mean time is still going on.

Ive had to do a lot of self talk to understand that these two family members have no power over me. I know this in my mind, it's just getting my emotional side to follow along that's been tough. I was telling my mother and sister over X-mas dinner how wonderful it would be if I bred one of my mares. I was talking about how precious it would be to have a live foal to watch romp around in the field. How we could all be apart of this wonderful experience together. and of course I would plan for the birth to occur in Spring. I was so full of life with this idea when I expressed it to them. The thought of this was helping to propel me out my depression. What happens is I get depressed for awhile and then I do things and start to feel better , I stay there for a while and then something happens with the two of them, I get frustrated and then depressed again so I pull myself out of it again for awhile and on it goes. I just moved here, I dont know anyone, I hardly know my way around so its been tough, Im looking for a job, it kind of sucks, but it has been getting better, it's just taking some time.

So I'm telling them my thoughts and feelings about a new foal and how great it would be as I'm sitting forward in my chair in excitement, looking at their faces, searching to see if they felt any spark along with me. Not much, I kind of noticed a kind of fake enthusiasm like they were only pretending to be excited by this idea. Im telling my mother I have all ready helped to deliver 3 foals with a friend of mine so I wasnt totally new to this and of course I would take all the pre cautions in case something happened, and basically a mare by nature will have her foal on her own with no problems. After this I went on again about how sweet it would be, and how they could come over to see it, etc.etc. Well, out of no where my mother interupted and started telling the most morbid story about a horse my dad had when I was ten, and how the mare stepped on it and broke it's hip and it was awful, and bla bla bla, and the whole time she is acting like she is some kind of expert on this subject just because she was married to my dad at the time, and how this was a serious thing that happened in a way like this happens every time. I was so shocked, because the story was soo horrifying! I couldnt believe it. I looked her straight in the eyes and said, Why are you trying to induce fear into this? She looked at me and said I dont know what youre talking about all innocent. It really freaked me out because I was so happy to share this idea with them and she killed it in a minute. I got up and walked away from the table and she still pretended like she had no idea why I was looking at her the way I was.

I couldnt help but to feel, what a manipulative evil witch. So much for HER support. So much for sharing something that means a lot to me with her! She knows darn well I'm going to make this farm a legit horse farm for training and boarding and that it means the world to me and there has been so many times she has been so enthused for me and telling me to go ahead with it like she cares. When it comes down to initially making this happen, she's not going to be there. It will be me and me, because all she does in try to instill fear in me in terms of anything that means a lot to me. And she's wickedly good at it to the point of sickness and apart of me hates her for it and I have decided Im not going to let her to this to me anymore. No more sharing the things I care about the most, to her. I have now officially decided to protect my dreams like a new born baby, or a big treasure chest with a lock on it. It's mine, no touch or die. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Ive all ways known she's been this way, it was something about how she spoiled my spirit and like tried to kill it with no care at all, but for herself, that did it. Im going to live. I want to really live and not be locked up in her fear based world, not living at all. If this is what she wants for herself, she can have it, but I no longer want any part of it leaking into my soul.

I see myself as a one man(women) corporation onto myself. I will find other people to support me eventually. I know I will if I keep going forward as I am now. Im not going to get insecure and feel the need to tell her my plans. Im just going to do it. Shell be chasing after me with her fears and she will never catch up. " Oh mom, I all ready did that. " Hope this helps.


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Ziggiddy

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Re: CPTSD, hypervigilance and safe places

« Reply #20 on: February 04, 2015, 11:43:28 PM »

gtst - I really felt for you there - with your excitement about the horses. I am not a horse person but I can see that you had this idea that might make a space for you guys to be in with wonder and excitement. it is like squashing something so precious to respond with a fakeness.

My sister sent me this picture not long ago how she portrays her r/ship with Mum - it is a picture of a guy lying down sadly on a really nice cake and the caption reads something like "When you are so excited about something and you know that they don't really care."

I have had feelings like that too and really relate. I think it's a part conscious reaching out for what a family COULD be, what it COULD mean to care for each other. So so sad when it just ain't real.

I did also really think about your point of self counselling.

Do you have a particular technique? I find I am too clinical with myself and hard to access the compassion I would hope a T might display, although I must admit there is quite a qulaity of freedom to picture the person across the desk as myself! After all it is my core belief that no one is more interested in my stories than me!


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Ziggiddy

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Re: CPTSD, hypervigilance and safe places

« Reply #21 on: February 04, 2015, 11:53:51 PM »

Further to the Rage-Faced Mother:

I was doing the inner child thing for the first time in months and I found my small girl sitting back in her room, not able to see her eyes as she has these opaque glasses on (odd because I didn't get glasses till I was 9 or so and they certainly weren't opaque!) She was compulsively latch hooking after remembering being hit in the head by her dad with a frozen milk carton because she forgot to defrost the milk and feed his 12 cats. His 12 cars that were greeted with smiles and affection before greeting his children.

She was in the middle of telling the story to me of how her mum and dad used to 'teach' the animals by 'rubbing their noses in it' when her face went still and I had a memory of my dad pushing my face into a bowl of ice cream.

It was strawberry ice cream - my favourite kind. I was so worried because ice cream got all over my new glasses and I would definitely get in trouble for not looking after them. Well ... after everybody stopped laughing at me.

I felt awful for this child so I took her back to the safe place as I'd had to do over and over and OVER again.

Well she was sitting safe in the kitchen with the nice lady who lives there and trying to ignore my mother's awful contorted face at the window.

She wanted to run away but the nice lady just went to the door carrying a rolling pin - I thought she was going to shoo my mother away with it or maybe even threaten her with it.

Then she opened the door and to my complete surprise, invited my mother in. She indicated a chair but my mother wouldn't sit down. my heart was absolutely in my throat because now the defection would be known. Shed moved out of my home and in with the lady (despite going back home every single damn time I got scared)

My mother said something like "So you're here now, are you?" in this contemptuous scornful kind of voice. I couldn't speak so I just nodded. And then the lady asked my mother what she wanted. Mother kept staring at me. Then the lady said "I think you can go now" to my mother. Who, again to my utter astonishment went. Kind of waddled out the door (my mother is enormous)

Still to this minute I am stunned by the scene.

I don't know if it was as a result of this but the next time I saw mum she managed to utterly trash a boundary (5 hours late ) i called her on it. Let fly actually. Calmly but clearly. I felt as though I had so much less to lose because small me had told her I'd moved out from her and in with the nice lady. And I tell you what, I was quite sure the lady was standing right next to me casually, nonchalantly swinging that rolling pin around. I think somehow I have reclaimed something. I guess she realised it too because she apologised instead of blaming me somehow.

I think ... .I think there is some aspect of childlike fear that has been put to rest.


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Pingo

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Re: CPTSD, hypervigilance and safe places

« Reply #22 on: February 05, 2015, 11:03:03 AM »

I would say this is great progress Ziggiddy! Maybe that lady with the rolling pin is that part of you who is reclaiming your innate power!

I had one thought about the opaque glasses, could they be opaque because of the ice-cream?


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