Should I meet my ex BPDbf 1 final time, or NOT?

[RedDove]

Background: encounter was 4 years on and off (more off!). 3-4 recycles. We knew one another back in high school and he dated my older sister briefly. We grew up and live in the same small town. I ended it back in June when I uncovered lies and cheating w/OW. He dissociated that we had even been in a r/s for last 2 years. Told me he lied to use me for sex. Also revealed he's unstable and borderline. 

I initiated NC back in June. He broke NC on dating site in Sept. I didn't take the bait. Contact escalated via an email about his bad experiences w/online dating. Looking for sympathy and playing the victim. I unblocked him on FB and checked his Friends list. The OW is still on his list, meaning, still supply. She's also on his best friends FB, as well as his sisters, whom he never introduced me to.

Next the texts started right around his birthday: "I miss you's, I love You's, I have deep regrets about what happened. You're always welcome to the truth, which you should have gotten more of when we were in a relationship. My personal growth tends to come little slower, slow and steady over time, and sometimes some personal trauma causes a growth spurt." Again, I didn't take the bait, I checked FB & the OW is still supply, so I wished him well.

Two weeks ago my Dad was rushed by ambulance to the hospital and almost died. However, he is stable and recovering now. My younger brother posted an update on FB. My brother is friends with exBPDbf's nephew. The nephew must have told my ex BPDbf (his uncle) about my father's condition. Ex BPDbf began texting again, "Oh (RedDove), I just heard about your Dad. If there's anything I can do, please let me know. I have great respect and adoration for your Dad and I hope he's doing well. Please keep me updated." For the next 7 days he kept texting every day asking about my Dad. I responded as I did with everyone else that inquired, just the facts. 

Eventually the texts turned into "I love you and I'm here for you always!" Two nights ago he texted "If I had a daughter, I'd want her to be just like you! You're Dad is lucky to have you!" I know, it's idealization. He went on to say that I seemed exhausted and asked if he could buy me a drink one night to get out, unwind and catch up. I responded that my priority right now is my Dad and I was taking it one take at a time.

I know he's only using my Dad's health condition to maneuver back into my life for a recycle. I'm 5+ months out of the FOG. I've spent a great deal of time focusing on myself and reading/posting about BPD, my co dependency issues, and understanding the trauma bond I had with him. I feel so much better!

Also, I have observed his pattern. He dates and idealizes a woman for 3-6 months, the cracks start to show. He goes onto an online dating site and/or tries to recycle. The current supply becomes the persecutor and he looks for a new rescuer (supply). I know the OW he cheated on me with is still supply. He won't discard/devalue her until he has new supply lined up and securely idealized. 

So the question is, if you had one last chance, would you meet your ex BPD? A part of me wants to meet him one last time to stand up, take control for myself, be indifferent and let him see he no longer has control over me. Or, do I simply accept what I already know, that nothing I say or do will help him, or change anything, no good can come from it, and continue on "my" path forward of self discovery and recovery?

[Targeted]

If you would like to attempt a recycle then yes!

For any other reasons, absolutely not!

[Skip]

A part of me wants to meet him one last time to stand up, take control for myself, be indifferent and let him see he no longer has control over me. Or, do I simply accept what I already know, that nothing I say or do will help him, or change anything, no good can come from it, and continue on "my" path forward of self discovery and recovery?

If you can do that, it will be empowering.  Can you do it?

[RedDove]

A part of me wants to meet him one last time to stand up, take control for myself, be indifferent and let him see he no longer has control over me. Or, do I simply accept what I already know, that nothing I say or do will help him, or change anything, no good can come from it, and continue on "my" path forward of self discovery and recovery?

If you can do that, it will be empowering.  Can you do it?

Skip! I do feel I can do it. I am a much stronger and more self aware than I've ever been in my entire life. I recently had a good friend (male) of 30 years tell me he had deeper feelings for me. I didn't feel the same way. I was able to clearly communicate it to him and maintain and honor my values boundaries. Even after he stated (projected) that he couldn't be my friend anymore because he had deeper feelings. I told him I understood how he felt and that it was his choice and I would respect his decision. He was a bit shocked, believe he expected me to compromise my values and boundaries.

When I received the texts from my ex BPDbf, I got that feeling you get when you watch a movie for the 2nd or 3rd time, I knew and could predict what he'd do and say. When I read the I love you's and I miss You's, I didn't feel the FOG, nostalgic, or warm and fuzzy, but rather I felt indifferent and a bit sad for him.

I'm going to take the time to reflect a bit more on whether my reasons are clear and concise before I accept an invitation to meet him or not. He may very well not even follow through with the invitation. He was very unreliable when we were together. His feelings are fleeting and ever changing. So if someone else shows him attention, he may just forget about me and move on. Which would be fine as well.

[Rifka]

I met my exdBPDbf in August after we just broke up and before I went n/c permanently. He did not have that hold on me anymore and I knew I was finally done riding the crazy train. I didn't know he was coming to my home, he just dropped by. My children told me I should ignore him, but I needed that closure and I was certain that I would not cave in and take him back. He cried, begged a pleaded. I refused to look into his eyes, didn't let him touch me. He knew my weaknesses and tried his last ditch effort to pull them all. I told him how I felt, told him I was done and the only thing I did wrong was love him. I told him if there was any more contact that I would get a restraining order. I asked him very calmly if he understood that and he can never come to my house. He said yes. I asked him to leave my property and closed the door with him still sitting by my door. It was done, I was done. He did send me a text the next morning to ask if I thought about it more, yes I did, but did not answer that text.

I would say if you are 100 percent sure you are done, I would say why not for closure.

Personally since you still have contact because of communicating about your dad and whatever else, you might still be in a sort of fog that could turn it into another recycle.

You described hell in your first paragraph about who and what he is, why would you risk being pulled back into dangerous waters?

Rifka

[almostmarried]

"I know that I can stop drinking",says the alcoholic. "Let´s have another last drink,1 final time."

[Pingo]

Myself, I would not and here's why:  Apart from the fact I'm afraid of him, I know that it would take a lot of mental energy to see him and even if I dealt with it maturely, I'd ruminate about it for a time and I don't want to give him that energy.  Also, I think the opposite is true.  It would give him a glimmer of hope and even though I'm very angry at him right now, I do have compassion for him and really want him to just move on and let go of me.

[RedDove]

Thank you all for sharing and for your advice and input. You're comments all hit home for me and allowed me to rethink whether to meet him one last time or not.

Almost married... .thank you for the smack on the head I likely needed right now! 

Rifka, thanks for sharing your experience. Yeah, I definitely don't want to risk being pulled back into dangerous waters. 

Pingo, very sound advice... .I don't want to wind up in a situation whereby he says things that trigger me, which we all know he will, and then wind up ruminating over the Chritmas/New Years Holidays! I want to enjoy the Holidays, especially with my Dad, family and friends!   

[sheepdog]

I agree with Pingo.

Your energy should be going to your family and YOU right now.

I do understand the empowering part.  I just wonder if it would then set a trend of 'well, she met with me that one time... .'

I hope your dad is feeling better.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

Closure only works if it occurs as a natural ending to a relationship, where both partners are accepting and understanding of one another's feelings. Honesty is the key component.

Closure with a BPD partner? Impossible.

[peiper]

You'll never get closure from a BPD. Contact will only start the crazy making to start again, and every time it does it escalates.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Give the cheater what he deserves - a lovely dose of NC.  Respect yourself.  Move on.