Still broken hearted. Then I saw replacement

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Been trying to stay strong these last 2.5 months. Cant believe its only been 2.5 months since the b/u, it feels like an eternity. I have been going NC the whole time. I still wake up every morning in a lot of pain. Today was especially hard because I saw her today with what I can only guess is my replacement. She seemed so happy and he is captivated by her looks and personality I could see it with the way he talked to her and looked at her.

Right when I saw her my heart beat so quickly and I felt terrible. I have to put on a mask for my family but I am still in a terrible amount of pain and seeing her today only made it worse. She messaged me a couple of days ago and I never messaged back…NC seems to be the only thing that I am doing well. (Every message she has sent since the b/u has been completely self centered and there have only been a few of them.)

I can't stop dreaming/thinking of her and feeling pain all the time. Its sad I can't even get on my Facebook and delete pictures of her off because its too painful. I keep reminiscing on all the things she said about me that made me feel on top of the world. I can't stop thinking about all the good times we had. Even though toward the end of the relationship and throughout most of it I hated her for the way she treated me and her selfish qualities. I idealized her to be my dream girl but I never TRULY felt it. Our relationship seemed like a once in a lifetime type of thing.

I guess I am just venting. I feel over emotional and sad constantly. Seeing her happy today with my replacement dug into my already slow healing wound and I feel like my progress in dealing with this plateaued a long time ago. And now I am taking 1 step forward and two steps back

[antonio1213]

Been trying to stay strong these last 2.5 months. Cant believe its only been 2.5 months since the b/u, it feels like an eternity. I have been going NC the whole time. I still wake up every morning in a lot of pain. Today was especially hard because I saw her today with what I can only guess is my replacement. She seemed so happy and he is captivated by her looks and personality I could see it with the way he talked to her and looked at her.

Right when I saw her my heart beat so quickly and I felt terrible. I have to put on a mask for my family but I am still in a terrible amount of pain and seeing her today only made it worse. She messaged me a couple of days ago and I never messaged back…NC seems to be the only thing that I am doing well. (Every message she has sent since the b/u has been completely self centered and there have only been a few of them.)

I can't stop dreaming/thinking of her and feeling pain all the time. Its sad I can't even get on my Facebook and delete pictures of her off because its too painful. I keep reminiscing on all the things she said about me that made me feel on top of the world. I can't stop thinking about all the good times we had. Even though toward the end of the relationship and throughout most of it I hated her for the way she treated me and her selfish qualities. I idealized her to be my dream girl but I never TRULY felt it. Our relationship seemed like a once in a lifetime type of thing.

I guess I am just venting. I feel over emotional and sad constantly. Seeing her happy today with my replacement dug into my already slow healing wound and I feel like my progress in dealing with this plateaued a long time ago. And now I am taking 1 step forward and two steps back

[gettingoverit]

Bud,

I feel for you. I was there too and know EXACTLY how you feel. It's been over three years for me, and I had to watch my uBPDxgf walk off with whom I thought was my friend and neighbour. It feels like ___ all around. I know you don't want to hear this, but it just takes some time and distance. Also lots of perspective. You mentioned that near the end you were not very happy with her because of her selfish ways... .focus on that. Did the bad outweigh the good? Think about all the times she screwed you over and hurt you with some selfish bull___ game she was playing. Do you think she has magically changed? You did not lose some amazing prize by breaking up with her. What you lost was soul crushing baggage. Right now all you can think about is how amazing she was when you first got together and how she seemed to be the perfect girl for you... .your soulmate. It's all crap. She is a con artist my friend. The sooner you understand that the better you will feel. She plays that card with EVERY one she is with. You were not special to her, you were just next in line of a long line a guys who thought and felt exactly like you. I don't mean to sound mean or harsh, but when I first came to these boards a few members gave me a reality check and although at the time it p*ssed me off, looking back now I know that they were right. We have to see them for who the actually are, not what we hoped they would be. We were just as guilty as they were when it came to creating a fantasy world around them. Unfortunately for us, when our balloons popped, and we woke up from our nightmare of a situation, everything in our lives came crashing down around us. Take it one day at a time. Stay strict NC, take care of yourself physically and spiritually, take up a new hobby or go to school... .anything that keeps your mind focused away from her. From someone who has been there and done that, trust me it does get better. If you start taking care of you and your interests, the hours that you spend obsessing/focusing on her will gradually turn to minutes, then seconds, then eventually an after thought... .a fart in the wind. Hard to believe right now, but it will come if you let it.

[Hawk Ridge]

I saw my ex with my replacement for the first time last week.  It was so hard - I feel bad but I hope she is getting the same treatment I did.  Not proud of that

[antonio1213]

Bud,

I feel for you. I was there too and know EXACTLY how you feel. It's been over three years for me, and I had to watch my uBPDxgf walk off with whom I thought was my friend and neighbour. It feels like ___ all around. I know you don't want to hear this, but it just takes some time and distance. Also lots of perspective. You mentioned that near the end you were not very happy with her because of her selfish ways... .focus on that. Did the bad outweigh the good? Think about all the times she screwed you over and hurt you with some selfish bull___ game she was playing. Do you think she has magically changed? You did not lose some amazing prize by breaking up with her. What you lost was soul crushing baggage. Right now all you can think about is how amazing she was when you first got together and how she seemed to be the perfect girl for you... .your soulmate. It's all crap. She is a con artist my friend. The sooner you understand that the better you will feel. She plays that card with EVERY one she is with. You were not special to her, you were just next in line of a long line a guys who thought and felt exactly like you. I don't mean to sound mean or harsh, but when I first came to these boards a few members gave me a reality check and although at the time it p*ssed me off, looking back now I know that they were right. We have to see them for who the actually are, not what we hoped they would be. We were just as guilty as they were when it came to creating a fantasy world around them. Unfortunately for us, when our balloons popped, and we woke up from our nightmare of a situation, everything in our lives came crashing down around us. Take it one day at a time. Stay strict NC, take care of yourself physically and spiritually, take up a new hobby or go to school... .anything that keeps your mind focused away from her. From someone who has been there and done that, trust me it does get better. If you start taking care of you and your interests, the hours that you spend obsessing/focusing on her will gradually turn to minutes, then seconds, then eventually an after thought... .a fart in the wind. Hard to believe right now, but it will come if you let it.

Thank you for that. And she was the one who broke up with me and left me in shambles.

I am hoping the obsessing goes away soon. And I know she was just blowing smoke up my ___ when she said I was her should mate, I was perfect for her and that she couldn't live without me. It just enrages me how she got soo much out of me. I put so much into her 

and was there for her for every little break down she had and now she is just so selfish. She just leaves me and only contacts me to tell me how SHE feels and tells me she wants me in her life (so she can use me no doubt). Cant believe how used I was and how she tries to get me back in her life for her own selfish reasons. Me being NC is the only thing I have been consistent on and I am doing good with that. I haven't talked to her since the day she moved out.

[myself]

Using people for selfish reasons doesn't really bring happiness, does it? Maybe that look on her face was something else. Just like his probably was. There's often a sweetness to the hook before the poison kicks in.

Did you see your (past) self in how he was acting?

What's changed, and how? Grieving, facing truths?

Letting go/accepting is the best way to move past this.

[Xidion]

I know exactly what you're going through. I'm 6 weeks post breakup. She left me after I found out she was talking to another guy for a week. When I confronted her about it, she told me it was over. 4 weeks later they are officially "in a relationship". Remember this... it's a cycle. The replacement will eventually go through the same exact thing. These people are not capable of a normal and healthy relationship. They are childlike and selfish. I know it hurts. It hurts like heck. Just stay focused on her bad qualities and know that your life and your sanity are better off without her, no matter what your heart tells you. Listen to your brain.

[peiper]

 

I know exactly what you're going through. I'm 6 weeks post breakup. She left me after I found out she was talking to another guy for a week. When I confronted her about it, she told me it was over. 4 weeks later they are officially "in a relationship". Remember this... it's a cycle. The replacement will eventually go through the same exact thing. These people are not capable of a normal and healthy relationship. They are childlike and selfish. I know it hurts. It hurts like heck. Just stay focused on her bad qualities and know that your life and your sanity are better off without her, no matter what your heart tells you. Listen to your brain.

That's spot on man. It's seems that now she's stealthing around for me to replace the replacement .I don't know what happened, have a good idea. I just know he's out of the picture.

[hithere]

It will get better. It is great you are keeping NC.  I also wondered if she would be better to my replacement and if part of it (or all of it) was me.  It won't be better with him and if you got her back it would be hell all over again, I promise you that.

Stay strong, keep busy and be careful who you fall in love with next time.  I have been out of my hell for over 2.5 years now, I am remarried and happy.  I barely ever even think of her.  This will get easier!

[expos]

OP,

You need to remember that there is no hope for the crazy.  They don't know or understand that they are doing anything wrong.  The best thing you've done is go no contact and having that relationship end, because it was only going to get worse.   You were wrapped up in some high-drama stuff, push and pull dynamics, and a lot of emotional turmoil.  This has kept you hooked, and consequently broken. 

Everyone who posts on this board has almost a similar story.  It's great for awhile, and then they begin sabotaging everything because of their disorder.  They cannot help it.  I actually talked one of the boyfriends of my ex-BPD wife, he basically repeated VERBATIM what happened to me in my marriage to her.   They cannot get it together even with everything on the line because they have severe and emotional problems that inhibit them from having solid relationships.

I thought the same things you did.  If I would have done this, or that, or maybe looked a different way, It could have worked.  What does the new guy have that I don't?  She seems happier without me... .

I can tell you it's all rubbish.  Bottom line, they hate themselves, were never happy to begin with, and use others to work out their issues on. 

You were there to fill some sort of void in her world.  This isn't right.  In a normal healthy relationship with a normal individual, you never have to put up with this garbage and wonder what kind of bizarre emotional outburst you are going to have to deal with next.

It does get better.  The heavy heart and your raw emotions that you have now slowly subside and you get back to yourself again.  One day you'll have that emotional breakthrough and find yourself again.   You absolutely, positively need to get out and meet new people and take on new hobbies.  I know that you are not up to it because you feel so lousy, but it is crucial now to build a new world for yourself and find the happiness that your ex will NEVER find. 

You can PM me and we'll talk. 

 

[Ripped Heart]

Antonio,

Seeing them happy with a replacement is one of the most bittersweet feelings you could possibly have. On one hand, I'm sure you want them to find happiness, everyone deserves to be happy, even those who are disordered. On the other hand, it's extremely painful to see them that way with someone who is not you. As many people have said here already, we were those people once and the intensity of their feelings was directed towards us, sadly we also know how it ends and it's only a matter of time.

My partner was very open right from the beginning, she doesn't do well in relationships, people have walked out on her, her longest relationships have been abusive ones. And here I was to save the day. She made promises about how she could never be angry at me, love me forever etc... and this was in the first couple of weeks. I've been in a BPD r/s before so I knew the promises she made to me were reassurances for her own benefit. Still, I'm Lonely Child so it soothed me as much as it did her. My promises to her was that I would protect her, take care of her, give her a sense of stability.

The idealisation phase dropped within 5 months and since then it's been curve balls at least once a month. The reason behind it? I kept my word and it was something completely out of my control. She watched me with my eldest daughter and was angry that I hadn't met her sooner and been the father of her children. She's been angry at me because I wouldn't pack up and move in with her within the first month, she has been angry because I have a good relationship with my daughters mother and her partner, anger because I haven't answered the phone quick enough, anger because I didn't include her in an activity me and my daughter do, despite the fact she turned up without any warning and that it needed to be booked in advance. When I then find something for her to be involved in, she finds something else to pick at.

Each episode causes her to retract, shut down and shut me out for days at a time. She apologises afterwards and recognises it's her feelings. She has apologised for making nasty comments just because she has felt irritated at nothing at all and that I'm simply the target. So given how things were at the start, when my gf looked at me the way yours probably did with your replacement to the constant walking on egg shells where I can't even tell her how I'm feeling without provoking a reaction, I think you got off lucky.

Without help, they won't ever get any better and whilst they move from replacement to replacement, they are living in denial and the same patterns will continue to occur regardless of who that replacement is.

[downwhim]

Antonio,

I feel for you and know your pain. I am moving because I cannot stand the thought of running into him and her. He is so cold, calculating and abusive it repulses me. I know he will do to her what he did to me. It is just a matter of time. I also know that she will live with that anxious pit in her stomach too. Anxiety will come when she receives that first rage... .

Be strong. It has been over 2 months for me with N/C and it is the only way to survive their crap! You are doing well... .she does not deserve to get ANY reaction from you. That is the way they continue to suck us in.

You are getting great advise from others here and I wish you all the very best. Go work out, journal, see a T, take care of you.