Hope to add one to the Team soon...

[jedimaster]

I know there's another thread discussing how/when to tell others about one's family or SO situation, but I didn't want to hijack it too much from the OP.  I had a discussion with a family member today who is going to try to help bring one of our mutual friends on board the "team."  This is someone who has known my uBPDw and me for quite a while, and was training with us for a half marathon when my SO dysregulated and decided to drop running together.  Her perspective on the situation will be invaluable and I hope all goes well, and she is as understanding as I feel she will be.

I have come to view myself as surrounded by a "team" of support, consisting of my T, my P, my weekly support group, parents, some family members, and a select number of friends whom I feel can be trusted to be supportive and (most important!) can be trusted to be discreet and confidential.  Some of these people know both of us; others know only me.  Besides giving me an outside perspective of what they see going on, their presence has lifted an enormous weight from my shoulders by validating to me that what I see going on is what is actually happening.  That, more than anything else, has given me determination to take care of myself and get my life in order whether she does or not.

This could happen as soon as tomorrow or it could be a couple of weeks.  I really would value this person's input and support, so thoughts, prayers, good wishes, and good vibes in the Force are much appreciated!

 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Good luck Jedimaster and congratulations on having another perspective.

Out of the blue, a former friend contacted me after nearly a quarter century. It was interesting discussing our lives and I asked him for his perspective on my former husband.

It's such a blessing to have another person's opinion and even though I've been divorced for ages, I found it comforting to hear what he said about my ex.

So good on you for having a close friend to confide in and to share this journey!

[jedimaster]

Talked to them today and this person is definitely on the Team and in my corner!    She is a very perceptive person and was aware something was going on but didn't know what.  She is also quite sympathetic (she was tearful while we talked) and really hurts for my wife.  That actually helps, as it can help keep me grounded and not be drawn into us-vs-them thinking.  I try to stay mindful that this is a support team, not an offensive line. 

This person was also supposed to be one of the people whom my wife claims "knows all about me" and all the trouble I'm causing in our marriage.  Once again, not a word of truth.  The only thing she was aware of was how strange my wife was acting the day she had her huge rummage sale and got rid of 30 years' worth of personal art supplies.   

To this day, I have not found one single person--not one--to whom my wife has actually said anything like what she is claiming to say.  It is all in her imagination.  On the other hand, over in my reality, since she claimed to have broken our unspoken agreement not to take our marriage issues outside the home, I have considered myself free to take into confidence whomever I need to, and as a result many of the people she supposedly "told all" to now know the truth.  If she was trying to make me feel surrounded and intimidated, it totally backfired.  She is now surrounded, by people who love and care for her but know there is something seriously wrong with her.  And she doesn't realize it.

[formflier]

 

Good to have support system... .one thing to be careful of.

Just like it is a good thing to keep bpdfamily private.

Keep the discussions with support system private... .if a "conspiracy" is discovered... .I would say that would not be a good thing.

[Grey Kitty]

  Fantastic outcome!

The woman I jokingly called the "captain" of "Team Grey Kitty" is someone who dearly loves my wife, as well as me. (She first mentioned "Team Grey Kitty". Warned me that she cares too much about me to let me off the hook. Ever.)

I find that speaking my own truths, and being vulnerable and sharing my own feelings... .including  hurt and anger over what my wife did, but still expressing compassion for my wife really works. Especially with people who already know her and care about her.

[jedimaster]

Good to have support system... .one thing to be careful of.

Just like it is a good thing to keep bpdfamily private.

Keep the discussions with support system private... .if a "conspiracy" is discovered... .I would say that would not be a good thing.

Absolutely.  I don't discuss the content of my T sessions with her at all.  When she said once that she thought I should be "making more progress by now" and maybe I should consider changing T's, I told her flatly to her face that she was out of line and that was not her call to make.  At that point I didn't care if I was JADEing or not, but she took it without argument and hasn't tried that again.

There's the Team she knows about (T, P, support group), and the "Undercover Team" (select friends and family, this forum) she doesn't know about.  The first she knows I have but I don't tell her what goes on with them.  The second she doesn't know exists and I plan to keep it that way.

[Grey Kitty]

... .and maybe I should consider changing T's, I told her flatly to her face that she was out of line and that was not her call to make.  At that point I didn't care if I was JADEing or not, but she took it without argument and hasn't tried that again.

Nope, doesn't sound like JADEing at all. That only happens when you try to convince her WHY she is out of line.

It was excellent boundary enforcement.

Boundary: Your T, and your support network is your business.

Boundary enforcement really works, doesn't it!

It is even better when you do it on auto-pilot, without even thinking about it!