My rant

[hattrick]

One thing I have noticed here on the boards is that when people ask questions about re-engagements or recycles other members often respond with "why would you want a recycle, she is toxic" and things like that. While this may be true for most people some like myself have unique situations that others havnt been through.

Most BPD relationships have the standard push-pull dynamic. First idealization, then after 3-6 months all of a sudden the relationship starts to go south. Most of these relationships seem to end within a year. Others may go a year and a half or 2 years if the non is willing to put up with tons of bad behavior.

My relationship was anything but typical BPD. My ex only showed more minor traits of the disorder until around the time of our breakup. She and I were together for almost 6 years. During that time it seemed like she idealized me the whole time. No arguing, no fighting, all love. She had things in her past that would have been red flags if I had known about BPD at the time. She had confessed to these things and it seemed that she had been able to control and move past them. One example is that she had told me she had cut herself in the past. Well during our relationship she had quit cutting herself. For almost 6 years the cutting had stopped. The only symptoms she still seemed to have was that she would sometimes have anxiety attacks seemingly out of the blue. When this happened I would just hug her for a minute or 2 and she would seem to snap out of it and continue on. Once in a while she would come over my house and say she needed a drink. I would ask what was wrong and she would just say "its just everything". Then even though there was alcohol in the fridge she would not have the drink. I would say to her "I thought you were going to have a drink" and she would respond "no, its not going to solve anything". Like she caught herself being impulsive.

My point is that after 6 years of love and then seemingly out of no-where she goes complete BPD on me, yes I want a re-engage. I at least want to see if there is anything that can be done to repair us whether its counseling or whatever. Maybe Im naïve. But when people start invalidating our feelings it doesn't feel helpful at all. I understand the concern and I appreciate it.

[Mutt]

Hi hattrick,

I agree it is invalidating. These relationships are complex and no one can tell you what to choose. My advise is you may not have reached acceptance with the fact she's mentally ill. It took me a long time to register that someone I  love so much was mentally ill. I didn't want to believe it. I was in denial.

I had to accept that the disorder is complex. It is not something that my love can cure. I'm not above this disorder. She needs to want to help herself and I can't do this for her.

On the flip side, it may be invalidating hattrick and it's also concern from members. Some may be just warning you that your going to break your  again because they've been there.

[Skip]

75% members recycled multiple times - they have been where you are.  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120215.0

Is she still engaged and with the other guy?

What do you think this is all about?

She told me:

I feel like you don't like my children. (I love her children and she's even told co-workers that one of the reasons she loved me was because I loved her kids). Could it be that sometimes she doesn't like her kids.

I feel like you don't want me to spend time with my mom. ( I've never had a problem with her "mom time". I've even volunteered to take her to see her mom and often suggested she call her mom at times). Could it be that she is tired of driving all the way to see her mom all the time? Her mom lives about an hour and a half away.

I feel like you don't like my tattoos. (She had tats when we started going out and she got more since. 3 of them I took her to get and 2 of them she got for us as a couple. I've often commented on my favorite one she has). Could it be that she regrets some of them?

When we go out I feel like sometimes you judge me when I have a drink. (I don't drink but have never had a problem with her having one. I buy them for her). Could it be that she feels shame when she drinks?

There are more but I'm just thinking all the problems she cited could be things she doesn't like about herself projected onto me. These were all complaints I had never heard till the night of our breakup.

If she still showing up at work?

[hattrick]

mutt,

I understand and appreciate that other members are trying to help. I am not trying to be ungrateful for their advise. I am trying to learn as much as I can about BPD. I understand that she is mentally ill. She and I were together for 6 years but I have known her for 14 years. Even though I have learned a lot I still cant understand how she would have hidden this disorder from me for 14 years. The normal things people go through during a LTR with BPDs just didn't happen during our relationship. She never raged at me or did the whole push-pull thing. She had went from being a partier (before we started dating) to being a responsible, selfless person and a good mom. She seemingly had turned her life around. She had some issues that seemed minor. She even admitted to them. She seemed to say she knew she had issues and she didn't understand them herself. She would always (I thought jokingly) say "You wanted a crazy one babe, you got the craziest of them all". I would laugh and say "That's ok, cause I love my crazy woman". So I wouldn't rule out getting her to understand she has something wrong and maybe getting her to see a trained professional. Another thing that keeps me wondering is that I'm sure she suffers from hypothyroidism. From what I have learned of this problem it can cause all sorts of mental issues including personality disorders. I don't know that getting her thyroid right would cure her but it sure couldn't hurt.

skip,

As far as I know she is still engaged but I havnt talked to her. We work together but as of right now we aren't talking. I had heard from a couple co-workers that her demeanor had changed just recently. They said she has went from seemingly happy to all of a sudden not happy and depressed again. Then I hear she has bought a house and is preparing to move. She has no credit and not much in the way of money so all I can think is that my replacement is buying it and she is moving in. Although I also heard that he had moved in with her in her trailer cause he couldn't afford his own place. She has been showing up at work although she wasn't there Friday and left early one day earlier in the week. I understand that 75% of members recycled multiple times but I cant see her trying to recycle me. It seems like she is moving her life farther away from me every day. She seems to be hell-bent on trying to drive her life off a cliff. The saddest part is shes taking her kids along for the ride. They don't deserve this treatment. It's another thing that hurts me. I love her kids and to see what shes doing to them upsets me greatly.

[hattrick]

Word has it she left early again today. Apparently she was only there for 2 or 3 hours then left.

[Skip]

I understand that 75% of members recycled multiple times but I cant see her trying to recycle me.

I was trying to point out that others understand where you are emotionally - even if they are saying things like "why do this".

As far as I know she is still engaged but I havnt talked to her. We work together but as of right now we aren't talking. I had heard from a couple co-workers that her demeanor had changed just recently. It seems like she is moving her life farther away from me every day. She seems to be hell-bent on trying to drive her life off a cliff. The saddest part is shes taking her kids along for the ride. They don't deserve this treatment. It's another thing that hurts me. I love her kids and to see what shes doing to them upsets me greatly.

At what point do you say that this doesn't make sense for you?  Something has changed with her and she has made a significant commitment to another relationship.

What do you think?

[Henry II]

Hatrick, sounds exactly like my RS started out , even the time frame. We were married by the 6 year mark. Seems that's when things went south and up and down a little bit but at rock bottom now.

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone . You will get some positive comments on here as I have.

I suggest you read Ben Dobs book , I think is titled "How to live with BPD" , Can get on kidle for $7.50. Very helpful and may open your eyes as to how they feel inside and can help you to respond positively.

[hattrick]

At what point do you say that this doesn't make sense for you?  Something has changed with her and she has made a significant commitment to another relationship.

Since when does commitment mean anything to a pwBPD? 

[Mutt]

At what point do you say that this doesn't make sense for you?  Something has changed with her and she has made a significant commitment to another relationship.

Since when does commitment mean anything to a pwBPD?  

She is an adult with the ability to make her choices.