Hi, I'm new to this forum

[mauian1]

Hi Everyone,

     I am new to this forum and would like to find out how others deal with a mother who has Borderline Personality Disorder. I am an adult, middle age, married, and have a successful career.  My mother was diagnosed by proxy by my therapist who has been helping me cope for the last year. Initially, the therapist thought my mother was malignant narcissistic.  However, after working with me to cope with several incidents during the last year, she said its most likely BPD.  My brother also exhibits odd, destructive behaviors, but we are not sure yet  what he is struggling with. This much is true: both my mother and my brother are abusive and have a difficult time socially, they are "odd" people. Also, they feed off each other and create misery for the rest of the family.

     For some reason, I am the favorite victim of my mother and brother. Others have noticed and mentioned this. Mom and brother talk badly about me to other family members, have lied about me on several occasions, and will deliberately put me in difficult situations with over controlling behavior. My two sisters sympathetic to the situation and we have a good relationship. At first, they thought that it was "competition" between myself and my brother. However, I'm not one to compete, don't like confrontations or arguments, and don't make trouble. My therapist thinks its adult child abuse and jealousy, and told me I make a good target because I react to their negative behavior-which is what they want. 

     After doing some research about this problem, I have been thinking about cutting ties with the family and moving on with my life. However, my therapist has told me this won't work for the long term because I have two sisters (also victims) and by cutting ties it might put them in a position of choosing which part of the family they want to associate with. It would not be right to put my sisters in the middle. She is correct, as there are many other family members associated with these two and it would be impossible to avoid them while maintaining relationships with my father and brother's wife / children.

Has anyone else been in this situation? If so, how do you handle it? Please share your story.

[clljhns]

Hi mauian1 and  ,

After doing some research about this problem, I have been thinking about cutting ties with the family and moving on with my life. However, my therapist has told me this won't work for the long term because I have two sisters (also victims) and by cutting ties it might put them in a position of choosing which part of the family they want to associate with. It would not be right to put my sisters in the middle. She is correct, as there are many other family members associated with these two and it would be impossible to avoid them while maintaining relationships with my father and brother's wife / children.

I am so sorry to hear of the struggles in your family and how this has impacted your life. It sounds like your are caught between a rock and a hard place.

Please share your story

Well, my mom is uBPD, and dad is uNPD. Makes for a lovely combination. My brother I believe is uNPD/uBPD. He stalked one of his girlfriends after she broke up with him. This resulted in a restraining order and he didn't understand why. My oldest sister I believe is NPD/HPD. She once faked three personalities to get attention. She is a very interesting character, who now states that aliens abused us.   My other sister I believe to be uBPD/NPD. She has be "dying" for more than 15 years and has a violent temper. She once threatened be with a steak knife. Both sisters are jealous of me and have competed against me since childhood. My brother has a violent temper as well, and choked other sister once in a fight (they were adults, police were called and he was arrested.)

Needless to say, we can't be together for long before some drama erupts. I went NC with my parents in 2004. I went NC with sisters a year ago, after several recycling sessions over the last ten years. My life has been very peaceful since.

I am glad to know that you have a close relationship with your sisters. You stated that other people noticed the situation between you and mom and brother. Is it possible to have LC with mom and brother, perhaps only see them at family functions? If others are aware of the situation, perhaps they could act as a buffer when you do see mom and brother.

Wishing you all the best. Please keep posting and keep us updated. 

[mauian1]

Thank you for sharing your story - it really helps to know there are others out there with the same struggles.  I have decided to go NC with my mother and brother and have done so since Christmas. Using social media (FB) really helps maintaining a relationship with others. My therapist has not asked me about my family in any sessions since January and I actually have less anxiety and am able to sleep at night.  Its hard not to think about it all the time!  Progress - I realize 1. its not my fault even though the scapegoating has been extreme 2. not going to fight back because it encourages more negative behavior on their part. and 3. can't change the situation no matter how hard I try.      Thinking that #3 has been the most destructive to me, and still trying to let go... .

Thanks so much !

[clljhns]

Hi mauian1,

Glad to see you again!

Progress - I realize 1. its not my fault even though the scapegoating has been extreme 2. not going to fight back because it encourages more negative behavior on their part. and 3. can't change the situation no matter how hard I try.      Thinking that #3 has been the most destructive to me, and still trying to let go... .

Yea, on your progress!    1. It is NOT your fault! So glad that you are this place of understanding.    2.  Ah, yes. Fighting back does end in the opposite result of what we really want: understanding, validation, and healthy, loving relationships. 3. Wanting things to be different was a very difficult challenge for me also. I so wanted to have a loving, happy family, and no matter what I did to appease them all, it just wasn't going to happen. I am so sorry that you are hurting so at this time. Please know that it does get better! 

Have you read any of the articles at the top of this board? I found them to be very insightful and helpful.

Sounds like your T has helped you move into a place where you are making great strides in your healing. What are your goals at this point?

Let us know how you are doing.

Wishing you all the best.