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Ripped Heart
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« on: December 14, 2014, 06:44:50 PM » |
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Hi everybody
Not entirely sure where to start, so much is going on right now and just trying to make sense of it all. I'm also not entirely sure about using the term BPD with my partner as I honestly don't know. All I can say is that all signs seem to point here though some things don't add up and that's why I'm a little confused.
First of all, I've been involved with my partner for 10 months now. Initially things were great and to be honest, it's been a wonderful 10 months - With some exceptions. Every now and again a curve ball gets thrown in out of the blue and everything gets chaotic. My partner is extremely open about the fact she has abandonment issues and given her background, I understand completely. Secondly, she sought treatment a few years ago and was told she had a PD but didn't stick around long enough to discover what. She says she is Bi-Polar and is currently on medication for that (though doesn't manage it well) Again, some of which I can see but then there are other parts that don't add up.
The start of the relationship was very intense and I felt it was moving a little too fast. I tried to slow things down a little and my partner was very accepting of that (she was discussing marriage and moving in together within 3 weeks of the relationship) After that, things settled into a nice rhythm and everything seemed ok. The first warning signs that something wasn't right came from extreme jealousy over the relationship I have with my daughters mother. We have been separated 13 years, she is in a long term relationship (8 years) and I get on well with both of them. It didn't work out as a relationship but we both had a common interest in our daughter so provide our daughter with stability. At first, I could understand the jealousy and believed it normal, reduced the contact with my ex-partner but little things were still being picked up. My partner on the other hand has had different relationship experiences. Her childrens father has blocked all lines of communication and won't have anything to do with her. All her other relationships have been short lived, either abusive and violent boyfriends or have just walked out on her.
I've watched her shut out friends she has known for years over recent months, one for telling her she can be very selfish at times and the other for no reason at all. She has very few friends (only 1 that she can really call a friend) and even then, if she says anything wrong, I usually end up with a phone call about how terrible this friend is.
There have been lots of little things, like trying to provoke arguments over the strangest things. She can't ever sit still, seems disinterested in anything that isn't to do with her, just shuts down and shuts me out for no reason at all and when I finally get a breakthrough she is angry and upset at herself. She talks about having bad thoughts, feeling sadness and not knowing where this comes from. She has told me I irritate her at times but it isn't anything I have said or done, it's just a feeling she has with no explanation. The one thing that I find differs to some people here is that she is the first to hold her hands up and apologise, she seems to take responsibility for her actions and words but it doesn't stop issues from repeating.
So roll on to 2 weeks ago. I found out she was telling her friend that she wanted to end the relationship, she wanted to do it before but I was taking her on holiday, had things lined up for Christmas and the New Year so she was holding on. The reason behind this? Because she tried to call me twice and I didn't answer, so in her mind it meant I must have someone else. The truth, I was in a meeting and couldn't answer, though i called her back straight after. The stupid thing about this, I'm in the same meeting on the same day of every single month and every time, regardless of telling her, she calls.
Understandably, I was upset at finding this out but I don't raise my voice, I don't argue and I told her, if that is how she felt then I would make things easy for her so she didn't have to battle with her decision. I left her house and went home while she just rolled over and went back to sleep. The following morning I received a devastated text, telling me her world had basically collapsed. She went back to sleep because she thought I had just gone downstairs to sleep on the sofa and got the shock of her life when she realised I wasn't there. She called me shortly after, in tears and saying she still wanted to work at a relationship and just see how things went. I told her I felt like I was being used but was willing to give it a go.
Despite this, I would text her through the week to see how she was and got no response, then I would get a barrage of phone calls another time and when I answered, she would be in tears, telling me she was feeling sad but didn't know why, that she just wanted to die, that my gifts had arrived and were under her tree and that she was looking forward to me being there for Christmas. But then if I text or called, it was short and blunt. Some nights she would call to tell me she loved me, other times she was just cold and though I was a complete stranger on the phone. It went from one extreme to another. If I didn't call or text, she would get upset and it went on like that all week.
This Friday night was a Christmas function of mine which she wanted to go to and turned up for. Given what happened the week before, I had packed up her belongings in a box at my house. I did that the night I got back, given the events of the previous week, I honestly didn't know how was going to walk through my door. I felt it best for her to make the decision as to whether she wanted to take her things or leave them. Again, she was devastated, despite the reassurances that it didn't change anything but that I was just really confused. It's like I'm to be there when she needs me to be but I so much as mention how I'm feeling she will sigh and make up an excuse as to why she has to go.
It's been a really stressful and hurtful couple of weeks. I don't know whether to put it down to the time of year because like I say, for the most part, things have been great (or so I thought) but I give her the opportunity to walk away, she doesn't want to, I give her the opportunity to stay and work through things, she doesn't want to. As a result, I've booked in to see a Therapist and had my first session last week. I will be perfectly honest, first and foremost, the therapy is for me because I need help trying to figure things out and to work on myself, to understand where I'm going wrong, not just with this but other issues going on. Secondly, I secretly hoped that it shows my partner that if she is having feelings and an internal battle, that she doesn't understand, there is no harm or stigma attached to talking to someone about it.
I do want to try and work through things but I also need to look out for myself because what is going on right now is tearing me apart. Just feels like I step in too close, offer her reassurance, care, stability and support I'm faced with a brick wall. If I take a step back and try and gather myself she then comes running, hurt, upset and wanting to die. I hope all of this makes sense to some of you and that I might find some answers. As I said before, I'm not entirely certain it is BPD, I just know that most of the signs point this way and I know that she was diagnosed as having a PD but didn't stick around long enough to find out which and get the support she needed for it.
Many thanks for listening
RH
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