Finances keep me trapped with uBPDw

[verytired]

I'm having a very hard time coping with my uBPDw, especially around the Holidays. Rages, FOG, criticizes EVERYTHING I do, you name it. I've given her everything I can afford to give but still, everything that is WRONG in the world is MY fault. I have no life of my own. I'm at the end of my rope.

If I could afford to drive away tomorrow, I would. If I knew I would be able to keep on working (63 years old, self employed, work at home) I would but, I'm afraid she would try to destroy my reputation and ruin my business.

I know there are no magic answers. I just need to vent I guess and connect with other people who understand. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

My heart goes out to all of you going through this same hell on earth. God have mercy on us all.

[Samuel S.]

Verytired, I am a 70 year old guy with basically the same situation and with the same desire to move out, but finances and financial dependency are major hindrances. If you think of something or if I think of something, let's keep each other posted.

In the meantime, I am just keeping my distance as much as possible. My BPDw is very negative about everything and everyone, is all positive about herself. In other words, she has a superiority complex. Bottom line, I think your BPDw and mine may have different storylines, but their worlds are supposedly more important than anyone else's.

Have you tried counseling therapy, or is she like mine? Mine says that she has too many problems and has her medium-counselor to heavily rely. Instead of promoting harmony, it is rather evident this medium-counselor is promoting my BPDw to the max and degrades everyone else.

I just wish there would be an easy way out of our situations. Our BPDw gals like to control as much as possible and be negative at the same time.

Please keep me posted as I will with you!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey very tired and SS, You both seem to view yourselves as prisoners of your circumstances, so-to-speak, in your marriages to a pwBPD.  You describe lives of quiet desperation, as Thoreau put it, which I find sad.  How can you reclaim your authenticity?  That seems like an important question, though I understand that there's no easy answer.  Hang in there, Lucky Jim.

[Samuel S.]

Lucky Jim, people like Verytired and me and like so many other nonBPDs found ourselves in love with someone not authentic. They put on a false front. Slowly but surely or quickly, they turned their love glow, if you will, into hate. So, in a sense, we nonBPDs became captured. We nonBPDs have been authentic all along.

I don't know about you, Verytired, but the only way I have continued is finding my joy outside my marriage with financial restrictions.

So, Lucky Jim, if you wish to brand us as prisoners of our circumstances, so be it. It doesn't make it any easier. We try our best daily to preserve our unique selves, only to be put down. Granted, we have tried and tried to show our authenticity and to live with the negativity of our BPDs; however, you can keep on battling to push a big boulder up a hill, or you will finally become so exhausted, that you try to avoid a big boulder, sometimes with success but otherwise no.

In my personal circumstances, I am quietly making plans to leave, because while my BPDw is feeling happier, she continuously puts people down, myself included. She will prepare meals, but for the most part, she will directly or indirectly put me down. So, I cannot possibly trust her.

So, yeah, Lucky Jim, there is no easy answer for each and every one of us nonBPDs. We can do all the individual therapy and perhaps even the couple therapy; yet, while we nonBPDs are authentic and want love, it is obvious our BPDs are full of hate, hurt, anger, and frustration.

[Lucky Jim]

In my personal circumstances, I am quietly making plans to leave,

Good for you, SS.  I'm not branding you, only pointing out that it's extremely difficult to be authentic in a r/s with a person who, in your words, is "full of hate, hurt, anger, and frustration."

I appreciate your struggle, believe me, and understand you are in a tough situation.  (you, too, verytired).

LuckyJim

[verytired]

Samuel & Lucky Jim,

Sorry for a lack of response earlier. I've had little time for "personal" matters.

I appreciate the input from both of you.

I hope that you, Samuel, find your happiness and peace of mind whatever your decision is. For me, I'm still not sure what to do. I'm living day to day trying to not totally give up on ever being at peace again. Today was another day like many, blame, criticism, not caring to see what I'm trying to do for the relationship.

She's off shopping, so for now, I'm just enjoying the quiet and looking for ideas on this board to make things better.

Thanks again for reading and responding to my post.

Be well.