What is it that makes us focus on whether their love is real?

[findingmyselfagain]

I've been out of the relationship for a few years. I'm about as detached as I can get. She was my first head-over-heels love and first engagement, so it hasn't been easy. I haven't had any contact in over 2 years and have no desire for any because I know I'm a trigger for her and it's not healthy.

I haven't posted here in a while, and I think that's a good sign for me. I still wonder exactly whether or not she really  loved me. I also wonder why it is/was such a big deal to try to understand HER perspective. I guess the relationships usually don't end well and aren't healthy in general. The nicer girls I've dated I don't even give a second thought. But we were never engaged or intimate. Other than that I think we just came to a relatively mutual break up and I understood that it wasn't meant to be with us. Isn't it interesting that the worst relationships aren't the hardest to get over? Is it because we want them to work or we work so hard? Or we fall so hard for the idealization? Why does it matter so much whether or not they REALLY loved us? It's over and they weren't nice, or it didn't end well, so why is it harder to move on? I guess it's not true for all of us. Some have an easier time with acceptance. It was a real struggle for me.

I'd say that she loved me, but she also hated me and was very scared. So while I'd say it was a form of love... .that it wasn't lasting, more like an insane crush. I still don't like, but I've accepted that we will likely never communicate ever again. It's sad in a way, but I feel like I accepting it is a major step forward for me... .giving up the rescuing or wanting impossible things to better.

[almosthadme]

Not much to add here but I feel very much like you do.I have questions but I'm a year out and understand contact is counter productive.

[Blimblam]

I can relate and their are a lot of factors at play.

The first thing that comes to mind is the truama bonding. When we are with someone we experience highs and lows and uncertainty and abuse with occosional positive reinforcement it creates a truama bond.  The I is a book betrayal bond that I reccomend.

Beyond that their is something about the way a pwBPD has the potential to attach. They attach very quickly and intensely they absorb so much of what we desire and need and become that to be accepted and attach it litterally becomes their identity in many ways. The book the search for the real self by masterson explains this pretty well and I suggest reading that book as well.

They posses a set of highly tuned infantile attachment mechanisms geared towards adult seduction that triggers in us our unconcious desires they then pick up on that and become that finely tuning their identity to our needs and desires which they eventually come to resent us for. In that sense they have the potential to be so giving in order to be loved.

I have had a few long term relationships and I loved my last ex so much more than anything I have ever experienced that it's not really even a comparison.

[billypilgrim]

For me, it's validation.  I want validation that the last 6 years wasn't just a massive waste of time.  That my marriage actually meant something.  That all the effort, blood, sweat, and tears that I put into this pathetic excuse of a relationship actually mattered.  She threw me out so quickly it didn't feel like anything we shared together meant anything to her.  I desperately wanted to know that this was not actually the case.  That her actions weren't really indicative of how she felt.  I wanted to know that I mattered, I needed to matter to her.  And that's a self esteem issue that I've got to get squared away so I don't end up in the boat again 6 years from now.  But validation is why I think I focus on whether or not the love is/was real.

[Rise]

I used to worry that if she didn't really love me, it meant something was wrong with me. Ultimately, I figured out it doesn't matter either way. I'd still be me, she'd still be who she is, and we still wouldn't have worked out. Nothing would be different, and it in no way defines anything about me as a person.

[peiper]

Validation was exactly it for me. I lost sight of me in the relationship and when she just left I was empty. Wondering what was wrong with me and needing the validation that she did care.

[Deeno02]

Because of the speed with which I was replaced. Its like I didnt exist. Here one week, replaced the following. No mourning of the relationship, no nothing. Zip. Zero.

[findingmyselfagain]

Hi all,

Thank you for replying and giving me your insights. I think validation is part of it for me, too. I can still hardly believe it happened. It was so unbelievably intense and yet so short for me... about 9 months total. It was enough time to make it to the wedding shower before it just collapsed just a few weeks later... .only a few weeks before our wedding date. I realize now what a blessing that was. I've spent a lot of time just re-visiting places we were. It took longer than I thought it would but that's just how long it took me to break out of the grief. In hindsight, of course no reasonable person (fingers pointed at me) should have moved so quickly.

I'll have to read those books, too. I've read a lot about BPD, and even joined a support group when I was trying to decide if I wanted to make an effort at a friendship or romance. One of the women there was interested in me because I was making such an effort to understand BPD, but I knew I wasn't strong enough then. Some deeper understanding might help me to put the relationship even further behind me.

[almosthadme]

I think that is a question most of us here ask.After my break up we tried the friend thing and keep in mind i was 41 and her 22.I asked her if she ever loved me on one of my three visits post break up.In a very defiant child like voice she said "did".So to me she never did even after two years.She told me in a fight one time how could she love anyone if she doesn't love herself.I think this is true for most of pwBpd but this is just my opinion.

[Turkish]

I think that is a question most of us here ask.After my break up we tried the friend thing and keep in mind i was 41 and her 22.I asked her if she ever loved me on one of my three visits post break up.In a very defiant child like voice she said "did".So to me she never did even after two years.

Mine told me this, after I accused her of using me to have children with a stable partner. I believe she did... .then didn't. I was being waifish, and perhaps a little mean. Though I believe there is some truth to that statement, I believe that she did love me, though I think being in love with me was only for a short while when S4 was S1. I'll confess, too, that I was never head over heals for her either, as that I sensed she was difficult from the first date. She even warned me.

I think validation is a lot of it for me, too. Going a bit further, maybe it's validation of what I thought "being in love" should be vs. what is it vs. what our r/s was. That turns the lens back towards me: why did I choose to enter into the r/s, much less have two children, despite all of the    ?

[downwhim]

It is just very painful. To think you put in so much time and effort and loved someone deeply and then... .gone. Validation I also agree is a big factor. We all just want to be loved and know our worth. I am also struggling with this now.

I know we were a trigger for each other but to have gotten so far and then be replaced so quickly. We do the work of trying to figure this all out and make sense of the relationship while they move on without a care. It hurts.

[downwhim]

Also, I do not want to be his friend. I do not want to see him or have anything to do with him. No one deserves to be treated with such little regard. I have to tell myself he is undeserving of my love. I continue with N/C and pray this all gets easier.