Anger at my uBPDm

[Depression = 72% of members]

First of all, I truly love this site. It's been so helpful to read other people's situations and feel like I'm not alone. 

I wrote on another thread of trying to figure out how to handle my uBPDm and my wedding. My wedding happened over the weekend and due to problems on both sides of our families, my husband and I decided that eloping was a really good idea. Our fam knew it was going to happen and that but that we're going to have reception to celebrate in a few months where everyone can come together. We just wanted what we felt was supposed to be about us, to be about us, and for the parties to be about everyone else. (Everything was beautiful and amazing, btw!)

My uBPDm was good with it (or so she was saying since I told her about it a month ago) until the week of, where all of a sudden she said she was terribly hurt by not being there. I tried to empathize by saying I understood, but also kept my boundary (I'm working on having more than one  ) and explained that we wanted it to just be us, but that I couldn't wait to celebrate it with her and everyone else soon. She said she'd be thinking of me but that I wouldn't understand until I had kids of my own. She didn't interact with me last week unless I messaged her to say things like I'd be thinking of her and how much I loved her. She never expressed love for me after her initial comments of being terribly hurt, and only made some mildly passive aggressive ones when I tried to include her. The day of I tried again to include her, but again, was just met with a short response.

No one can believe how she's treating me and that even if she was hurt, she should realize that this was my day, not hers. I agree, but then these are the thoughts that follow:

1. That's true, but I still hurt her and she's allowed to feel like that.

2. She's allowed to feel like that, but I'm hurt too by her behavior.

3. I'm being extremely selfish in thinking that the ceremony should just have been mine and my husband's.

4. I need to be the one to fix this.

5. I can't fix this... .nothing I do is ever the right thing unless it's acknowledging that I've treated her horribly and that I can never take it back allowing for her to continuously use it against me.

6. She's not even talking to me right now so why am I ruminating about all of this?

I keep thinking of how I'll handle it when she finally does talk to me, but I have no idea. I don't want anyone to hurt anymore than they already are (her or me). After looking at how to use S.E.T., I feel like I'm in a place where I can truthfully sympathize and empathize with her. I feel like it would all be the T part and I don't want to cause her anymore hurt, but I do want to be validated in my feelings of anger, helplessness, fear, guilt... .lots of guilt, and lots of anxiety.

Are there any tools I can use to help myself get to the point where I could use S.E.T. and have it be helpful when she finally does talk to me again?

[NeedanEar]

First of all, I truly love this site. It's been so helpful to read other people's situations and feel like I'm not alone. 

I wrote on another thread of trying to figure out how to handle my uBPDm and my wedding. My wedding happened over the weekend and due to problems on both sides of our families, my husband and I decided that eloping was a really good idea. Our fam knew it was going to happen and that but that we're going to have reception to celebrate in a few months where everyone can come together. We just wanted what we felt was supposed to be about us, to be about us, and for the parties to be about everyone else. (Everything was beautiful and amazing, btw!)

My uBPDm was good with it (or so she was saying since I told her about it a month ago) until the week of, where all of a sudden she said she was terribly hurt by not being there. I tried to empathize by saying I understood, but also kept my boundary (I'm working on having more than one  ) and explained that we wanted it to just be us, but that I couldn't wait to celebrate it with her and everyone else soon. She said she'd be thinking of me but that I wouldn't understand until I had kids of my own. She didn't interact with me last week unless I messaged her to say things like I'd be thinking of her and how much I loved her. She never expressed love for me after her initial comments of being terribly hurt, and only made some mildly passive aggressive ones when I tried to include her. The day of I tried again to include her, but again, was just met with a short response.

No one can believe how she's treating me and that even if she was hurt, she should realize that this was my day, not hers. I agree, but then these are the thoughts that follow:

1. That's true, but I still hurt her and she's allowed to feel like that.

2. She's allowed to feel like that, but I'm hurt too by her behavior.

3. I'm being extremely selfish in thinking that the ceremony should just have been mine and my husband's.

4. I need to be the one to fix this.

5. I can't fix this... .nothing I do is ever the right thing unless it's acknowledging that I've treated her horribly and that I can never take it back allowing for her to continuously use it against me.

6. She's not even talking to me right now so why am I ruminating about all of this?

I keep thinking of how I'll handle it when she finally does talk to me, but I have no idea. I don't want anyone to hurt anymore than they already are (her or me). After looking at how to use S.E.T., I feel like I'm in a place where I can truthfully sympathize and empathize with her. I feel like it would all be the T part and I don't want to cause her anymore hurt, but I do want to be validated in my feelings of anger, helplessness, fear, guilt... .lots of guilt, and lots of anxiety.

Are there any tools I can use to help myself get to the point where I could use S.E.T. and have it be helpful when she finally does talk to me again?

[Kwamina]

Hi NeedanEar

Congratulations on getting married! Here are some virtual wedding gifts for ya:      

How are you feeling now that a few days have passed? It's never easy to be getting the silent treatment from someone when you feel like you have done nothing wrong. You are right that it was your day and that you have the right to get married whatever way you want to. It's inevitable that people will get hurt sometimes or disagree with you, that's something that can be expected.

You mention the use of S.E.T., this is indeed a very valuable tool when dealing with BPD relatives. When reading your story, another technique comes to my mind: D.E.A.R.M.A.N... Are you familiar with this technique? It's basically about asserting yourself and how to stick to your plans. You telling your mother that you planned on eloping and carrying through with your plan, is basically an example of you asserting yourself. Even after the resistance from your mother, you still went through with your plans and did things your way. The acronym D.E.A.R.M.A.N. stands for Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindfully (keep your focus), Appear (confident) and Negotiate. We have a good workshop here about this technique in which is also explored how it's related to various other techniques such as Validation, S.E.T., Wise Mind/Mindfulness and setting and defending boundaries. You can read more here:

COMMUNICATION: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique

[NeedanEar]

Hi Kwamina 

Thank you so much for your reply and for the congratulations and gifts! :D 

Now that a few days have passed, I feel better. The anxiety has lifted quite a bit and I don't really have anymore pain in my chest. My mom wrote me recently to see what I wanted as a gift for my wedding and for christmas. I wrote her back a couple of ideas. She wasn't pleasant and it seemed very obligatory, which made me want to just tell her not to send anything. I think I also just don't want to talk to her right now. Not because I want to give her the silent treatment back, but because I feel like I don't have the tools necessary to have a conversation that would help move things forward. When I talk to her in the middle of a conflict, I feel like I need to be prepared for battle. In my mind, it's like the 300 against Xerxes. If I don't have enough prep, I become weak and kind of cave to whatever is going on. Whether it's admitting that it's all my fault, or that I'm a terrible daughter, or whatever... .it's not going to truly matter. I'm not going to be allowed to be hurt by what she did because the focus will be about what I 'did to her'.

Thank you for the link to that workshop! I'll definitely be looking at it and working through it.

Also, do you have any tips for finding a therapist who understands BPD and how it relates to family? Is it usually any therapist or do people specialize in it at all? I work in a mental health field and I still have trouble finding a therapist I can a)afford & b) that I connect with.

Thanks again! 

[ftm0514]

Hi NeedanEar

I know it's been a couple of days, but your post resonated with me so I wanted to offer some validation (always has been helpful for me in the past!)

I have never been able to set a boundary with my uBPDm without her becoming very hurt and passive. My mother does not scream, she just becomes emotionally injured and acts as though she is being treated poorly. My point is, it doesn't matter what the boundary is, it will always have the same result. I struggle with guilt each time this happens, and I COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from as far as knowing that your mother is allowed to feel hurt, but also feeling hurt by her behavior. However, I don't think that a BPD mother will ever really be able to understand and validate her child's feelings in the way that we want. I am not a psychologist, but it seems that my mother at least truly does not perceive any reality but her own. Any conversation in which the goal is to explain that she has hurt me is bound to fail... .she just cannot (or will not) comprehend it.

I guess what I am trying to say is that for me the S.E.T. communication strategy is fantastic with my mother only if I set myself up for success. That means that I don't enter into conversations that are doomed to fail anyway, and for my mother in particular confronting her (or expressing truth) on how she has hurt me is always doomed to fail. That doesn't mean that your feelings aren't valid, it means that she is broken. And that although wanting validation from her is normal and healthy, it just will not happen. As I am currently struggling with this very issue with my mother, I wanted to reach out and say I understood. It hurts, because you ought to be able to express feelings of hurt to your mother and expect her to care. It hurts, because her own feelings of hurt are very real and you hate to hurt your mother. And for me, it just makes me crazy because it takes me days/weeks to stop thinking about situations like this and analyzing how I could have done better!

Good luck in your journey, and I applaud what you have already done. It sounds like you are already experiencing successes in setting boundaries with your mother, and that is huge!

[Edgewood]

Hi NeedanEar,

Congrats on your marriage!  I'm glad that you made the decisions that allowed you a beautiful and amazing ceremony.

Are those six numbered items your thoughts?  That's your self-talk?  I have to do a quick edit of number 1, ok?

1. Instead of respecting my choice, Mom has chosen to perceive an injury to her personally.  Maybe she will come around in time.

I hope that numbers 2 - 6 progress differently from this alternative starting point.  

[NeedanEar]

Hi ftmo514!

Thank you so much for to help validate me. I'm sorry that you've felt or are feeling the same way with your mother. It's soo hard to deal with but it does take a lot of the sting out of it talking to others who are going through the same things.

It hurts, because her own feelings of hurt are very real and you hate to hurt your mother. And for me, it just makes me crazy because it takes me days/weeks to stop thinking about situations like this and analyzing how I could have done better!

YES! When I'm in the midst of F.O.G. it brings me down to a very low point and my ability to function normally at my job and at my home is affected. I'm starting to get a little... .a very little bit better at it now that I know what's happening for my uBPDm, but it still sucks. A coping skill I've adopted this week is every time I find myself thinking about the situation, I look at a positive quote on my Pinterest (or from wherever) and let my mind focus on that. It usually allows me to then use some breathing techniques and calm myself down.

Thank you for your applause as well   I'm getting better at really understanding what my boundaries are and believing that I'm worth the effort to uphold them. I'm getting more comfortable with the idea that my life is no one's but my own, but I feel like I'm still a bit of a ways from truly believing it because I've been so entwined with my mom.

I wish you luck and love on your journey and I look forward to talking with you more on here!

Hi Edgewood!

Thank you! It was such a special day that ended up being about no one but us. It was truly beautiful. 

Yes, that's my self talk. When I read your revision to #1, I said aloud, "Wow!". That's really powerful. I know it's going to take a while to re-frame my thoughts, but you gave me a great starting point. Thank you for taking the time to help me out! 

[P.F.Change]

No one can believe how she's treating me and that even if she was hurt, she should realize that this was my day, not hers. I agree, but then these are the thoughts that follow:

1. That's true, but I still hurt her and she's allowed to feel like that.

2. She's allowed to feel like that, but I'm hurt too by her behavior.

3. I'm being extremely selfish in thinking that the ceremony should just have been mine and my husband's.

4. I need to be the one to fix this.

5. I can't fix this... .nothing I do is ever the right thing unless it's acknowledging that I've treated her horribly and that I can never take it back allowing for her to continuously use it against me.

6. She's not even talking to me right now so why am I ruminating about all of this?

1 & 2: Absolutely right. You and your mother each have a right to feel how you feel. Those feelings can be the same or different. You are each responsible for managing your own feelings.

3. This is an Automatic Negative Thought. It is not true, it is just what you have been taught to believe about yourself when your mother is not getting her way.

4. Another ANT. You cannot fix your mother. She has a PD, so her relationships will always be full of conflict. Much of that will be because she lacks adult skills to manage them in a healthy way. If you have done something truly wrong or that does not fit your values (stealing, yelling, etc.), feel free to apologize. You don't need to apologize for being your own person or making your own adult decisions.

5. Bingo. It's also not your job to manage your mother's moods or calm her down. Sometimes it's best to allow someone to experience their feelings of anger or pain and find a way to cope with them, rather than rushing to soothe them before they have a chance to take care of themselves. Do you know about co-dependence?

6. Good question. Probably because you've learned to anticipate her moods and reactions in order to survive. What would it be like to take a deep breath and remind yourself you will know what to do if anything comes up? Have a quick plan ready for how to take care of yourself--even if it's just to say you're not going to discuss a particular topic--and then let yourself go on enjoying your life?

I do want to be validated in my feelings of anger, helplessness, fear, guilt... .lots of guilt, and lots of anxiety.

We can help with that. Someone with a PD is not likely to be able to. Empathy is often very hard for people with BPD, especially when they are feeling particularly overwhelmed by their own emotions. What you are feeling is very normal for someone whose parent has BPD. 

Wishing you peace (and the best of wishes for your marriage!),

PF